


Broken not beaten

by Bynbyn101



Series: Broken not beaten [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, PTSD, Slow Build, Surrogacy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 09:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 92,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/860677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bynbyn101/pseuds/Bynbyn101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After suffering a serious injury in a bombing in the Army Jensen has to adjust back into normal society while dealing with PTSD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Six months

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story that I am turning into a Supernatural fic so if Jensen or Josh accidentally get called Greyson (Josh) and Evan (Jensen) that is why.

            They say before you die life flashes before your eyes. That neurons in your brain transmit happy memories for the last seven minutes of your life. But I think that is a lie. That didn't happen for Evan though. There weren't  any happy memories. It should have probably been his first clue that he wasn't actually dying.   
______________________________________________________________________________  
            "Are you still having nightmares?"  
            "Am not supposed to be?"  
            "That is the point of these therapy sessions."  
            Jensen leaned forward, wiping his hands over his face. "I don't know what to say then. I mean it's only been three months..."  
            "It's been six," he corrected.  
            "What?" He looked up at him through his hands.  
            "It's been six months since your accident."  
            He sat back. "Sorry, six months. I don't understand how that means I shouldn't be having nightmares."  
            "You're supposed to be moving past it. Talking to me is supposed to help with relieving the tension and getting rid of the bad dreams."  
            "I nearly died. I don't think talking to someone is going to help me move past that."  
            "Have you tried talking to your friends or family about it?"  
            "I don't want to burden them with my problems."  
            "Evan," Dr. Franks sighed. "I have told you this several times; talking to your friends and family is a good thing. They are not going to feel burdened by you talking to them."  
            "Look I get what you're trying to do here. But after six months don't you think it's not helping? Shouldn't we just give up on this endeavor and go our separate ways?"  
            "Do you think that is wise?"  
            "Don't you feel like this is going nowhere?"  
            "It isn't up to me Jensen. This is up to you. No one is forcing you to be here. Yes it was required to first but that requirement ended when you were discharged two months ago. Why do you keep coming back if you feel this isn't working?"  
            Jensen looked down at the ground, studying the pattern of the carpet before he could speak. "Cause I just want up get the images out of my head."  
            "And I am here to help you with that."  
            He finally looked up at Doctor Franks. "Then I guess we are in it for the long haul."  
______________________________________________________________________________

            The sun was high in the sky by the time Evan left the therapists office. He stood still for a minute basking in the warm heat. The cane in his left hand creaked under the extra weight he was putting on it. He frowned down at it and kicked it with my good leg.

            "It's just an innocent cane Jensen. No need to kick it about," a voice called from behind him.

            "It's the daily reminder of how screwed up my life is now," he mumbled.

            "Oh so we're having a pity party are we?" His brother, Josh, said as he clapped him on the shoulder. "If I'd known I would have brought the hats."

            "You're not funny."

            "Look, I get it baby brother. You're life sucks. You're dream of being a big shot in the Army was taken away from you. But guess what? Life goes on. And I know you don't want to hear that but it's true."

            "You're optimistic bullshit is not appreciated right now Josh."

            "Maybe not right now but in a few years when you're looking back on your life you'll appreciate it then."

            "Can we just go home?"

            "We've gotta stop at the store first."

            "Do we have to," he whined.

            "You're a grown ass man stop you're whining," Josh said slapping his shoulder softly. "And yeah we have to. Danny needs me to stop off to get some stuff for dinner. I'm not gonna let you be the reason I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."

            "You're husband loves me he'll understand."

            Josh snorted. "He may love you but he's been slaving over dinner almost all day. No way in hell will his love for you stand if we don't pick something up."

            Jensen followed slowly behind his brother, his leg protesting with every step. "Is there a special occasion I don't about?"

            "We've got Vicky coming over tonight. She had the ultrasound today and wants to reveal the gender of the baby," Josh explained.

            "What are you guys hoping for this time?"

            "A healthy baby."

            "Come on brother tell me the truth."

            Josh came to a stop next to his car. He unlocked it and opened the passenger side door so he could help Jensen into the car. Once he had his brother settled he ran to the other side. The sat quietly for a few minutes both just staring out the windshield.

            "I want a little girl," Josh finally whispered. "But if Vicky tells me she is having a boy I'll be equally happy."

            "It'd be nice to have a little girl running around," Jensen agreed. "Not that I don't love Jack. I just think it would be fun to have a girl too."

            Josh looked over at his brother with a wide smile. "With how excited you are for a niece or a nephew just imagine how excited you'd be if it was your own kid."

            "That ship sailed the moment that bomb went off," he mumbled turning to look out the passenger side window.

            "Hey now," Josh said softly. He placed a hand on Evan's shoulder. "Just cause Lydia decided to leave you doesn't mean there aren't over girls out there. Ones who can see how amazing you are."

            Jensen snorted. He pulled the visor down and stared into the mirror. Deep, pitted scars dotted around his face and neck. Some of the size of pin heads while others were close the size of a penny. If he was to pull the collar of his shirt down more would be seen on his collarbone and chest. Not to mention the scars the ran down his left leg and right side.

            "Lydia was right to leave me," he huffed, slamming the visor up. "No one wants to be with a deformed freak who screams in his sleep."

            "Lydia was a bitch," Josh spat. "If I'd known she would have turn tail the moment you got into serious shit the way she did I would have thrown her out of the house."

            Jensen rolled his eyes. "It's my house, Grey. And as my wife she was the only one who could have thrown anyone out."

            "Ex wife," Josh corrected. "Remember she took half your money because you drove over a road side bomb?"

           Jensen cringed. "Yeah I remember. But thanks for reminding me."

            "Look Ev," Josh said as he started the car. "One of these days you're gonna find someone who is spectacular. She's gonna see past all of your problems and love you for who you are."

            "I'm not holding my breath on that," Jensen mumbled leaning into the seat as much as his tattered side would let him. "But thanks for trying to cheer me up."

            "No problem little brother. Now let's get to the damn grocery store before Danny starts calling me."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen frowned and stared out the window at the grocery store. When he was younger he had worked at that store, he grew up shopping at that store. Most of the employees were the same people he used to work with which made going into the uncomfortable. He wasn't looking forward to entering the story and having all of the people look at him with that look of pity.

            "You okay over there?" Josh asked as he shut off the store.

            "Can I just stay in the car?" Jensen whispered.

            "Come on man, these are the people you grew up with they're not going to judge you."

            "Everyone judges me," Jensen mumbled.

            Josh placed his hand on Jensen's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "You just have to believe that not everyone is going to judge you. So come on."

            Jensen watched as his brother climbed out the car. He came over to the other side of the car and opened the door so that he could help Josh out of the car.

            "You promise to make this quick?" He asked as he righted himself.

            Josh reached into the car and pulled out Evan's cane. He passed it to him. "I promise."

            Jensen stared down at the cane. "I hate this thing," he mumbled.

            "Then stop using it."

            "I can't. Unfortunately I still need it."

            "You want to use one of those motorized scooter things?" Josh asked as they passed by the mentioned scooters.

            "I will punch you," Jensen warned.

            "You want to push the cart?" Josh offered.

            Josh pushed his brother away from the cart and started limping further into the store. "What is it that we need to get?"

            Josh grabbed the end of the cart, steering it in the direction that he wanted to go. He led Jensen through the aisle quickly then steered him towards the check out.

            "Which one you want to go through?"

            Josh scanned the check out and looked for one that had someone he didn't know. Eventually he settled with the aisle that had a tall young man working it.

            "Good afternoon," the cashier, Jared, greeted. "How are you guys today?"

            Jensen frowned. "Shitty," he muttered as he watched his brother put the groceries on the belt.

            "Bad day?" Jared asked as he started ringing up the items.

            "Bad life," Jensen told him.

            Jared lifted his eyes and gave Jensen a small smile. "Army, right?"

            "How'd you know?"

            "I come from a military family," Jared said. "I'm the only person in my immediate family who isn't in some branch of the military."

            Josh slung his arm around Jensen's shoulder. "Evan here was a first generation Army guy. But I'm pretty sure his any kid he has will probably follow in his footsteps."

            "Why didn't you join?" Jensen asked, shaking his brother off.

            "Wasn't for me."

            "Was your father upset about that?"

            Jared shrugged. "If he was he never said. He was more interested in me doing what I wanted with my life."

            "What is it that you do?"

            "I'm getting my medical degree."

            "You want to be a doctor?"

            Jared nodded. "My mom was a nurse in the Army and I wanted to follow in her footsteps in some way."

            "How far into your degree are you?" Josh asked.

            "Second year," Jared said. He looked Josh up and down and smiled. "You're a surgeon, right?"

            "How'd you know?"

            "Sixth sense?"

            Josh nodded. "You've got a lot of them?"

            "If you guys are done I'd like to be able to get through this line and get home," the man behind them said.

            Jensen turned to the man. "Sorry," he muttered.

            "Jensen Ackles?" The man asked. "It's me Greg Hunn. You were in my English class your senior year."

            "Mr. Hunn," Jensen said shaking the man's hand. "I remember you. You almost failed me."

            The elder man laughed. "You weren't ever really interested in anything I was teaching. How have you been?"

            Jensen ran a hand through his hair. "I've been good."

            "How long have you been home?"

            "Six months. I, uh..."

            Josh slapped a hand down on Jensen's shoulder. "Hey Mr. Hunn," he greeted. "How have you been?"

            "Josh!" The man cheered. "I've been good. How is the hospital treating you?"

            "It's keeping my busy."

            "I hear you and Danny are expecting your second child through surrogacy. You know what you are having yet?"

            "We're find out tonight." Josh pointed to the items in the bags. "Danny's got me picking up some last minute things."

            "You guys got to get home?"

            "Yeah," Jensen mumbled.

            "Well it was good to see you guys," Mr. Hunn said. He shook Jensen and Josh's hand then let the two men leave.

            "It was nice to meet you," Jensen told Jared as he started pushing the cart towards the door.

            "Have a good night," Jared called.

            "He's cute," Josh whispered.

            "Shut up," Jensen muttered.

            "You should get to know him."

            "I just got out of a relationship Josh, I'm not ready to get into something new."

            Josh sighed heavily. "You need to move on. Maybe not in the next few days but eventually."

            Jensen punched his brother in the arm. "Leave me be Josh," he mumbled. "I'm not ready."

            "Fine, fine," Josh conceded.

            "Besides, I've got too many problems already to worry about. No one needs to be with me right now."

            "You sell yourself too short," Josh said as he loaded the groceries into the car. "Anyone would be lucky to have you."

            "You are a broken record."

            Josh smiled. "Get used to it baby brother."

            "Just help me into the damn car so we can get home."

            Closing the trunk of the car Josh moved over to the passenger side. He opened the door and helped Jensen into the seat. After closing the door he rushed over to the other side of the car and got in.

            "We need to get home," he muttered. "I told Danny I'd be home half an hour ago."

            Jensen rubbed his hands together and laughed. "This is going to be fun."

            "I'll just tell him you were flirting with the cashier so we couldn't get out of there."

            "I wasn't flirting with him," Jensen defended. "I was having pleasant small talk with him."

            "All that was left out of that conversation was your name and phone number."

            "Whatever," he mumbled.

            "Just admit you thought he was cute and I'll leave you alone."

            "Fine," Jensen huffed. "He was cute."

            "I love having a bi brother," Josh said laughing. "I get to talk about cute boys with you."

            "You could always talk to Mac about cute boys."

            "It's not the same," Josh pouted. "She doesn't appreciate the fine form of a man like you do. She would have told me he was too lanky."

            "Too lanky? I bet that boy is a wall of muscle under everything he is wearing."

            "You think so?"

            Jensen nodded. "No way he isn't. He's an Army brat. Doesn't matter if his dad didn't force him into the Army I bet he was involved in every sport under the sun."

            "And if he wasn't? What if he is just this tall lanky kid?"

            "Doesn't matter. It's not like I am going to do anything about it. He's a cute kid, why would he want to date me?"

            "Cause you are a cute guy?"

            Jensen gestured at his face. "This is not cute. This is like a horror movie monster."

            "Whatever Jensen," Josh growled.

            Josh pulled the car into the driveway and cut the engine. Without saying anything to Jensen he got out of the car, helped him out, then grabbed the bags out of the trunk. Josh watched as his brother stalked into the house muttering under his breath about stubborn little brothers. Huffing, Jensen entered the house.

            "Uncle Jensen!" Jack, his nephew, yelled when he entered the house.

            "Hey Jack," Jensen said ruffling his nephews hair. "How was your day?"

            "Great," he said grabbing Jensen's hand and leading him through the house. "I learned how to do addition today."

            "Did you find to difficult?"

            "Nope. It was really easy. But papa taught me how to do it last year so it was easy for me."

            "Your papa is pretty smart, huh?"

            "Papa is really smart!" Jack yelled.

            "Well that is really nice," Danny said as he entered the room. "But why am I really smart?"

            "Cause you taught me how to add stuff before my school did," Jack told him.

            "Well you are a really smart boy so it wasn't that hard for me," Danny said, lifting his son in the air. "Are you all cleaned up for dinner?"

            "Yup."

            "Okay. Go join your daddy in the kitchen and help him set the table."

            "Okay," Jack yelled as he ran out of the room.

            Danny straightened and turned to Jensen with a smile. "Why is Josh muttering things about you under his breath?"

            "We got in a disagreement in the car."

            "A disagreement about what?"

            "Me."

            Danny sighed. "You putting yourself down again?"

            Jensen rolled his eyes. "Not putting myself down just pointing out the obvious."

            "So putting yourself down."   

            "Can we not talk about this?" 

            "Are you going to talk to someone about it?"

            "I'll bring it up to my damn therapist the next time I see him if it will make you happy."

            "We're just trying to make sure that you are..." The doorbell made Danny cut off. "She's here," he whispered rushing out of the room.

            Jensen shrugged and made his way to the kitchen. He found Jack and Josh in the room looking just as nervous as Danny did.

            "Everything okay in here?" he asked.

            "We're good. Everything okay with you."

            "Yup. So how is she telling you about the gender?"

            "A cake!" Jack cheered.

            "A cake?"

            "She got a cake decorated with either the color pink or blue," Josh told him.

            "So you have to wait all through dinner before you can find out?"

            "That is if Danny doesn't peek first," Josh said with his voice slightly elevated so that his husband could hear him.

            "I'm not going to peek," Danny yelled back.

            "Can I peak daddy?" Jack asked.

            "No you cannot peak either," Josh told his son.

            Jack pouted and stalked out of the room.

            "He looks just like you when he does that," Jensen said.

            Greyson rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he mumbled. "Go sit at the table for dinner."

            Jensen laughed at his brother as he walked out of the room.  


	2. Survivors Remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Danny find out the gender of their new baby and Jensen and Josh have some heart to hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta so all the mistakes in this story are mine.

There were two cakes, one pink one blue. Jensen looked over at his brother and brother and law and almost laughed at their faces. The two older men's mouths were hanging up, their eyes wide. He snuck a look at his nephew and saw that he was looking at his parents with a confused look.

            "Daddy?"

            Josh looked over at Jack. "Yes Jack?"

            "Why are there two cakes?"

            "That is a very good question," he said. Josh turned to Vicky. "Why are there two cakes?"

            "I wanted to wait to tell you until after I found out the genders but I am carrying two babies."

            "Two babies?" Danny squeaked. "How have you been carrying two babies this whole time without us knowing?"

            "I've been alternating between the two different ultra sound pictures. I wanted to surprised you once I knew the genders."

            Josh sighed. "We're having one of both?"

            "That is what the doctor told me."

            Danny grabbed Josh's hand. "Josh," he whispered. "Josh, we're having two more babies."

            "We're going to have to find somewhere else to live," Josh mumbled.

            "Why?" Jensen asked.

            "We can't put you out this much."

            "Josh, its fine. I don't mind you guys living here, you know that."

            "But..."

            "No buts," Jensen said. "You're staying here. I like having you guys here. I don't know what I would do without you here."

            "We'd have to move the rooms around," Danny said.

            "I'll share my room," Jack told them. "If it means we stay here with uncle Jensen I'll share my room with the babies."

            "You don't need to share your room with anyone," Jensen said. "We can just turn my office into the nursery."

            "And where are you supposed to work on your novel?" Danny asked.

            "I can work at the kitchen table. I don't need an office so I can use my laptop."

            Vicky cleared her throat. "So we're okay?"

            "We're okay," Josh said. He grabbed onto Jensen's hand. "My little brother is going to help take care of us just like he always does."

            Jensen smiled. "Who else would drive my broken ass around?" He joked.

            "He said a bad word," Jack yelled.

            "No I didn't. I said I was a broken donkey," Jensen shot back.

            "Ass means donkey?" Jack asked his papa.

            "Yes it does but that doesn't mean you can say it," Danny told him.

            "But uncle Jensen gets to say it."

            "That's because uncle Jensen is an adult," Josh said.

            "But..."

            "No buts," Danny said.

            "Fine," Jack huffed.

            "Sorry," Jensen said laughing.

            "Anyways," Vicky said. "I think we should break into these cake. One is French vanilla and the other is chocolate."

            "I want chocolate," Jack told Danny.

            "You can have whatever kind you like."

            After dessert Jensen helped Josh clean up the dining room and kitchen. They did most of it in silence but after most of the dishes were done Josh turned to Jensen and wrapped his arms around him.

            "Thank you," he whispered.

            "You help me with so much, how in the hell could I possibly ask you to leave because you are having one more child then expected?"

            "This is your house..."

            "So? I'm a twenty four year old divorced, injured veteran who has PTSD. If you left I'd be living in a four bedroom house by myself. How depressing would that be?"

            "You're not depressing," Josh told him.

            Jensen leaned against Josh. "I'm afraid," he whispered.

            "What are you afraid of Jen?"

            "Being alone. I can't be here alone Josh."

            "You're never alone. The three of us aren't going anywhere anytime soon. As long as you want us here we will be here. Okay?"

            Jensen nodded into his brother's shoulder.

            "Are you okay?"

            Jensen sighed deeply. He stepped back and wiped the tears that had fallen away. "Yeah, we're okay."

            "Can we finish cleaning dishes?"

            "I think I need to sit down."

            "Are you trying to get out of helping me with the dishes?"

            Jensen winced. "No," he muttered.

            "You okay?" Josh asked.

            "No," Jensen breathed. "My leg really hurts."

            Josh rushed over to the kitchen table and brought it over so that Jensen could lower himself down into it. After he had settled down he grabbed a glass of water and some pain killers for Jensen.

            "Where the hell is your cane?" He asked after Jensen had swallowed the pain killers.

            "I didn't think that I would need it in order to do the dishes."

            Josh laughed then went back to doing the dishes. Everything was quiet and comfortable until a shriek echoed through the quiet house. Jensen and Josh both froze, looking around them like they could see the threat. Josh shot a glance over at Jensen who was starting to shake.

            "You're okay," Josh soothed dropping down to kneel in front of his brother. "We're okay. Everything is okay."

            "Sorry, sorry," Danny said. "Jack got over excited about something."

            "See, it's just your nephew. No one is hurt."

            Jensen got his breathing under control and looked up sheepishly at his brother and brother in law. "Glad Jack wasn't in here to see that," he mumbled.

            "Flash back?" Danny asked.

            "Unfortunately."

            "Daddy?" Jack yelled as he ran into the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks when he saw his papa on the ground by his uncle. "What's wrong?"

            "Nothing," Jensen said. He stood up stiffly and ruffled his nephews hair. "Everything is okay."

            "You sure?"

            "Yes." He turned back to his brother. "I'm going to go to bed. See you guys in the morning."

            "Okay," Josh said. He got up onto his feet and hugged his brother tightly. "Wake me up if you need me."

            Jensen nodded. "I will."

            "Do you need any help upstairs?" Danny asked.

            Jensen waved a dismissive his hand at his brother in law. "I'll be okay."

            "Are you sure?"

            "Yes."

            "Don't forget your sleeping pills," Josh yelled after him.

            It took Jensen almost five minutes to get up the stairs without his cane or assistance. By the time he was in his room his leg was throbbing from the exertion. He dropped down onto the bed with a loud groan but had to get himself back up in order to move to his dresser so he could get his sleepy pills. Once he had retrieved them he sat back down heavily on the bed again. After dry swallowing the pills he situated himself into bed and fell asleep.

______________________________________________________________________________

            "Fuck," Jensen yelled, bolting upright in bed. The shirt that he had worn to bed was sticking to him like it was a second skin and his hair was plastered to his face. His breathing was coming fast and hard, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

            "Jensen?" Josh asked as he pushed the bedroom door open slowly. "Are you okay?"

            Jensen groaned. "Those damn things don't work," he panted. "They're making everything worse."

            Josh walked further into the room and sat down on the end of the bed. "You want to talk about it."

            Jensen wanted to shake his head but he knew he had to get it off his chest. His therapist told him that he had to talk to people besides him about his problems. Instead he nodded.

            "I died," he told him.

            "You die often in your dreams?"

            Jensen shook his head. "Sometimes I don't die. Sometimes I just relive what happened."

            "Which do you prefer?"

            "Dying," he whispered.

            "Why?"

            "Hank had kids. So did Jerry and Dan. What do I have? Nothing. They deserved to live. They deserved to have made it through it and not me."

            "You don't think you deserved to live? You don't think that you have anything to live for? What about me? What about Jack and Danny? Or mom and dad and Mac?"

            "Josh," Jensen whispered. "I didn't..."

            "It's fine," Josh mumbled. He stood up and crossed the room. "I'm going back to bed."

            "Josh," Jensen called. "Josh please come back."

            "What?" Josh snapped turning back around.

            "I'm sorry. I know I have a lot to live for I just have some problems seeing that sometimes."

            "Jensen," Josh whispered. "It's okay. I don't understand what you are going through but I promise I will be here to help you through it. But it's late and you just told me that you wish you died so I am going to go to bed and we are going to talk about this in the morning."

            "Okay."

            "Goodnight, Jensen."

            "Goodnight, Josh."

            Jensen settled back into bed and closed his eyes. When the images that filtered behind his eyes weren't the normal terrifying images he sighed heavily and fell back asleep.

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen woke up to Josh laying next to him in bed. After he got his breathing under control from the surprise he smiled at his brother.

            "Thanks for scaring the shit out of me," he mumbled.

            "Sorry," Josh laughed.

            "What time is it?"

            "Little after eight."

            "Why did we have to have this conversation this early in the morning?"

            "Because I had to wake up early to get Jack ready for school so I was up and I wanted to get this conversation out of the way."

            Jensen nodded. "What do you want to talk about?"

            "You never told me how it happened," Josh whispered.

            "You want to know everything?"

            "Please?"

            "Okay." Jensen sat up a little in bed and turned to his brother. "We were driving back to base from a scouting mission when Jerry ran over the bomb. We were so close to base that we could actually see it to it was a surprise that we didn't hit it on the way out. It happened so quickly that I didn't even realize what had happened until I was laying on my back about fifty meters away from the humvee. Dan was near me and he was groaning, blood soaking his fatigues. I crawled over to him and tried stop the bleeding but..."

            Josh moved closer to him and wiped a tear away. "Just breath," he whispered. "You're okay."

            Jensen nodded. "I watched him die. I thought I managed to get him stabilized but then he just..."

            "What about the other two?"

            "Jerry died instantly and Hank died a few days later. I was the only one who survived."

            "Do you have survivors remorse?"

             "That's what my therapist tells me," he mumbled.

            "Why do you hate your therapist so much?"

            "I don't hate him."

            "Really?"

            "I'm just having some problems adjusting to this life. I have to see my therapist three times a week and a physical therapist two times. I constantly have people either asking me how I am or stretching my swore leg in ways that make it seem like it is hurting more than helping. I get jumpy easily and I have nightmares almost every night. This isn't easy for me."

            "No one expects it to be. No one is thinking that nine months after you nearly died for you to be a well adjusted member of society. But I've got to say you are doing one hell of a job."

            "You think?"

            "You are writing a novel and leaving the house on a daily basis. So yes I think you are doing a pretty good job."

            "Why do you think she left me?"

            "Lydia?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "I think she left you because she couldn't see how amazing of a person you are. She got too caught up in the fact that you are disabled and just couldn't handle it. But you know what?"

            "What?"

            "You are going to find someone who is better than Lydia and marry him or her. They are going to look at you like you hung the moon and think that you shit don't stick. You're going to have adorable children with green eyes and one day Lydia is going to see how happy you are with this new person an she is going to be kicking herself for letting you go."

            "I doubt that."

            "You doubt what? That someone can find you amazing?"

            "I'm deformed. I don't exactly look like the attractive twenty four year old I was before I left."

            "Doesn't matter. Any person who is worth their salt will see you for who you really are."

            "That might have been the sappiest thing you have ever said to me," Jensen mumbled.

            "Really? That was the sappiest thing I have ever said to you? What about my little speech about your shit not stinking?"

            "This whole conversation has been sappy," Jensen huffed as he got up out of bed. "But thanks."

            "No problem," Josh said. "Anytime you need your awesome brother to make you feel better you can come to me."

            "Is my awesome brother willing to make me breakfast?"

            "I can pour you some cereal," he offered.

            "That's alright I can do that myself."

            Josh slung an arm around Jensen's shoulder. "Just remember something for me."

            "What would that be?"

            "No matter how shitty you feel, no matter how much you wish you died that day, just remember that I love you and I am glad you are here."

            Jensen pushed his brother away softly. "Yeah, yeah," he mumbled. "Thanks."

            "No problem. Now hurry your ass up I've got to get your sorry ass to physical therapy in a few hours and we both know how long it take you to get ready."

            "Okay," he called after his brother, "I'll be down in a minute."

            "Don't forget to take you medication," his brother yelled back.

            Jensen moved over to the dresser and frowned down at all of the pill bottles that littered the top of it. He grabbed the correct one, dry swallowed it, then pulled out the clothes he was going to wear for the trip to physical therapy.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying how easy it is to write this story so far.


	3. You'd rather be an amputee?

"How does that feel?" Talia, Jensen's physical therapist, asked as she bent Jensen's leg.

            "Like it fucking hurts," he mumbled.

            Talia laughed. "Just breathe through it."

            "I am breathing," he ground out.

            Talia released Jensen's leg. "All of this would be less painful if you stopped tensing up."

            "I doubt that. I don't think anything is going to stop making this painful."

            "I get it, okay? What I am doing hurts you but you've got to work through that pain so that you can get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore. If you let me do my job I can get you there."

            Jensen sighed. "It just really hurts. Sometimes I feel like I can't really work through it. I mean I can't even do that dishes with my brother without it really hurting."

            "Are you using your cane?"

            Jensen looked over to where his cane was leaning against a table. "Yes," he mumbled. "But if I hate the pain in my leg then I loathe that damn cane."

            "Stand up," Talia commanded.

            Jensen hefted himself up off the exam table and limped over to where Talia was. For the next half hour Talia worked Jensen's leg in ways he was positive would cause it to fall off. When they were done Talia helped him down into a chair so that he could rest his leg.

            "How are you feeling now?" She asked as she cleaned up.

            "Sore."

            "Good type of sore or a bad type of sore?"

            "Just sore."

            "You're the most stubborn patient I have ever heard."

            "At least you will remember me when we no longer meet."

            "Will you get out of here?" Talia helped Jensen out of the chair and handed him his cane. "I'll see you in a few days."

            Jensen waved to Talia and made his way out of the office. When he entered into the waiting room he found Josh sitting in the same seat that he had been in when Jensen was called into the office almost two hours ago.

            "What are you still doing here?" He asked.

            Josh looked up from his magazine. "I had nothing else to do," he said, shrugging.

            "So you sat in here for two hours?"

            "Your right I could have gone grocery shopping but I wanted to wait so you could go with me."

            Jensen made a face. "You should have just done that on your own."

            "Come on," Josh said linking an arm through Jensen's, "it'll be fun little brother. You might even see that cute cashier."

            "His name was Jared, Josh."

            "Right. Jared. I'll have to remember that seeing as you two are destined to be together forever."

            "Shut up," Jensen mumbled. "We've only had one conversation."

            "And what a conversation it was."

            "Can we just go and get this over with?"

            "What do you have against the grocery store?"

            "Nothing," Jensen said. "We are not having this conversation again."

            "Fine, fine," he conceded.

            "Why are we going to the grocery store for a second day in a row?"

            "I guess Jack dropped the jar of pickles and Danny is freaking out because Vicky has been craving them so we need to have them in the house at all time."

            "So this is a life or death mission then? Why didn't you just inform me of that before hand?"

            "You're funny," Josh deadpanned.

            Josh helped Jensen into the car then trotted over to the driver side of the car. They drove in silence for a while just listening to the soft rock station that Josh always had on in the car. Jensen was humming along with the song that was playing on the radio when Josh cleared his throat.

            "So, how did your appointment go?"

            "It was painful. She bent my leg so much that I was nearly in tears. Sometimes I wish they had just taken the damn thing off."

            "You want to be an amputee?"

            "Well no. But with how much pain I am in all the time it seems really appealing."

            "I don't think I would ever find being an amputee would be fun," Josh mumbled.

            "I'm not saying that it would be fun. I'm saying it would be easier."

            "Easier? How on earth would it be easier?"

            Jensen sighed. "You remember when you sprayed your ankle when we were kids?"

            "Yeah?"

            "Imagine pain ten times worse than that all the time."

            Josh frowned. "You know that was your fault," he said. "If you hadn't tripped me I would have been fine."

            "Hey!" Jensen shouted. "I didn't trip you. You tripped yourself."

            "I tripped myself? How the hell could I trip myself?"

            "You were going through your baggy pants phase at the time. Your pants were so big I was surprised they actually stayed on you at all."

            "Whatever."

            Josh pulled into the grocery store parking lot and picked a spot close to the store. After killing the engine he got of the car and ran over to the passenger side of the car to help Jensen out.

            "You know if you got a different car I'd be able to get in and out by myself," Jensen grumbled.

            "I love helping you. God knows I owe you that."

            "Again with this? I let you live in my house. Not that big of a deal."

            Josh shot Jensen a look. "You know you've done more than that for me."

            "I'm not expecting you to pay me back for every little thing I've done for you."

            "Just shut up and let me help you," Josh said as he started walking towards the store.

            When Jensen entered the store behind his brother he was dismayed to find that Jared wasn't there. Even if he wasn't ready to start dating again he really liked having conversations with the younger man. At least he thought he did, it's not like he had that big of sample size of conversations to work with.

            "Stop sulking," Josh said as he past Jensen the cart.

            "I'm not sulking," Jensen snapped.

            "No, of course not. But did suck in that bottom lip of yours if you wanted to convince other people of that."

            Jensen bit his bottom lip. "Shut up."

            Josh led Jensen down an aisle and started throwing random things into the cart. By the time they got to the frozen section the cart was almost completely full.

            "Do you really need this much stuff?" Jensen asked. He was leaning against the handle bar of the cart trying to take all the weight off of his hurt leg. "How much do the four of us actually eat?"

            "Danny decided that we are going to have a barbeque this weekend."

            "Why are we having a barbeque this weekend?"

            Josh pulled the cart forward a bit almost causing Jensen to fall over. He looked back at him and gave him an apologetic smile. "He wants to gather both family's together to announce the impending birth of the twins."

            "That is fantastic," Jensen mumbled.

            "You'll have fun," Josh told him.

            "And if I don't?"

            "Then you can hide in your office until everyone goes home."

            Jensen was too busy glaring at his brother that he didn't realize that someone with a high stack of boxes was walking towards them until he collided with them. The boxes in the guys arms went flying everywhere, some of their contents breaking an leaking all over the place.

            "Oh shit," the guy yelled.

            "Shit! I am so sorry," Jensen said rushing forward to help the employee. When he drew closer he saw that it was Jared. "Shit Jared, I'm sorry."

            Jared's eyes snapped up to look at Jensen. "Oh," he gasped.

            "Do you need any help?"

            "No, no," Jared said. "I can do it."

            "Are you sure? I feel like an ass leaving you to clean up all of this after I caused you to drop it."

            "I don't think your leg can handle it," Josh said. "Put I'd be willing to help you."

            Jensen shot a look back at his older brother. "Shut up," he snapped. "My leg is fine."

            Jared looked at Jensen's leg then to the cane in his hand. "I don't want you to push yourself," he said. "I'll be fine."

            "At least let me make it up to you," Jensen heard himself saying.

            "How?"

            "Yeah Jensen, how?"              

            "My brother in law is having a barbeque at our house this weekend and I want you to come over. I make one hell of a burger if that will help you decide."

            Jared looked between Jensen and Josh. "Um..."

            "You should come," Josh agreed. "I think you'd have a lot of fun."

            Jared looked between the two older men several times before nodding. "I guess I could come."

            "Great," Jensen said. "If you give me your number I can text you the address for the house."

            Jared nodded, taking Jensen's phone and programming his number into the phone.

            "I guess I'll see you guys Saturday," he mumbled scratching the back of his head. "I think I should clean this up before my manager gets too angry."

            "Greg Martin still the manager here?" Jensen asked pocketing his phone.

            "How'd you know?"Jared asked.

            "I worked here before I joined the army."

            "You did? How old were you? I worked here until I was seventeen. I was going to work longer but then I got..."

            Josh elbowed him in the side. "Until he got accepted into the Army," he lied.

            "And Greg has been working here that long?"

            "Hey now, I'm only twenty four. Don't go making it sound like I am that old."

            Jared put his hands up in surrender and laughed quietly. "I'm just saying that I am surprised he has been here that long."

            "That man has been working here since I was a kid. I am convinced this place would go under if he decided to stop working here."

            "He'd probably agree with you," Josh mumbled.

            "Damn," Jared mumbled.

            "What the hell happened here?" Greg Martin yelled.

            "It was my fault Greg," Jensen said.

            The moment Greg saw Jensen all of his anger deflated. "Hey there Jensen," he said shaking Jensen's hand. "How are you doing?"

            "I've been better," Jensen admitted. "But I can't really complain right now."

            "I heard about what happened. The leg doing alright?"

            "If you asked me I'd say no but according to my physical therapist it is doing pretty good."

            "You working with Talia?"

            "I like to refer to her as the devil when I am with her," Jensen joked. "But yeah, I am working with Talia."

            "She's really good at her job," Greg told him. "She got my wife back on her feet after he accident."

            "How is Betty?"

            "She's doing really well considering."

            "She walking yet?"

            Greg beamed at the question. "Absolutely. She still has to walk with a walker but other than that she is completely mobile."

            Jensen stared down at his cane. "I know what that is like."

            "I hate to break up your catching up but Jensen and I really need to get home," Josh said. "I don't think Danny would appreciate me walking through the door with a whole bunch of groceries when he is trying to make dinner."

            "How is your family doing Josh?" Greg asked turning to Josh.

            "They're really good. Jack is a really smart little kid and Danny loves being a stay at home dad," Josh told him as he helped Jensen guide the cart towards the check out.

            "How are you doing with the Jack thing Jensen?" Greg asked.

            Jensen shrugged. "I am just glad I am in his life."

            "It doesn't hurt that..."

            "I'm going to go say goodbye to Jared," Jensen said interrupting Greg. "It was great seeing you again."

            "It was good to see you too," he called after him.

            Jensen limped his way back over to where Jared was currently cleaning up the spilled liquids. He watched the man work for a bit before clearing his throat to let the younger man know he was standing behind him.

            "Sorry about leaving you to clean up this mess," he said once the younger man had turned to face him.

            Jared shrugged and leaned against the mop. "It's my job to clean up after the customers," he said. "And if your burgers are as good as you say they are that should make up for the mess."

            "I promise you they are the greatest," Jensen reassured him. "I won a cook out at a county fair one time with them."

            "You did, did you? Now I am excited to try them."

            "Jensen, we've got to go," Josh yelled from the front of the store.

            "I'll see you later," Jared said turning away from Jensen and going back to his work.

            Jensen nodded at his back then made his way towards the front of the store. Once there he punched his older brother in the arm.

            "Why did you lie to Jared?" He asked.

            "You wanted him to know that you got pregnant at seventeen?"

            Jensen looked away. "I guess not."

            Josh placed his hand on his brothers shoulder. "I know you've got to tell him eventually if you want to be his friend but I think you should wait a bit. Besides, how do you explain to someone that your son is being raised as your nephew?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I guess it is better than him not being raised near me. At least with you raising him I get to see him whenever I want."

            "Is that why you haven't kicked us out yet?"

            "No," Jensen said. "Like I told you last night: I like having you guys around."

            "And we like being around," Josh told him. "You think you can get into the car without my help?"

            Jensen nodded. "I've got this," he said.

            After a few minutes of awkward maneuvering and some pain Jensen managed to get himself into the car. He had been so busy trying to concentrate on not hurting his injured leg anymore he didn't realize Josh was already sitting in the car.

            "You're a dick," he mumbled.

            Josh shrugged. "You have to be more independent."

            "And you have to be less of an asshole," Jensen mumbled.

            "So," Josh said after a few minutes of silence. "I was thinking about getting a new car."

            "Now you're thinking about getting a new car. I've been struggling to get into this damn car for the past six months but now is the time you think about it?"

            "You think it is a bad idea?" Josh asked.

            "No I think you are an asshole."

            Josh's bellowing laugh filled the car for the rest of the drive home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Jared was going to have a kid but then I decided I wanted Jensen to be the one with a kid. I have always like mpreg Jensen so I am going to have it in this story. So if you don't like that than I am sorry.


	4. Son of mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen reflecting on Jack and spending time with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is on the shorter side and is basically the back story of Jensen having Jack.

            If there is one thing that Jensen hates talking about more than his injury it is how he ended up pregnant with Jack. It's not that he doesn't love Jack, because he does, it's just it is still too painful to discuss.

            When Jensen was eighteen he decided that he needed to lose his virginity before he graduated high school. With only three months left of school he was in a rush to get it done and settled.

            Bennett Lynn was an attractive enough guy but he hadn't really been much of Jensen's type. If you asked him why he decided to sleep with Bennett he would just shrug. In retrospect it was probably because Bennett had been the only willing male body. So he settled and slept with him. What Jensen didn't know at the time was that he was one of the few men who could get pregnant.

            When he found out about Jack, Jensen was convinced his life was over. He thought he could literally see his future being flushed down the toilet when he threw up in the morning. But then Josh, perfect, beautiful, loving Josh, offered to raise the baby as his own even though he was only twenty one at the time. Jensen can still remember wrapping his arms around his brother and crying into his shoulder.

            No one besides those close to the Ackles family knew that Jack wasn't Danny and Josh's. Everyone just assumed that he was out of surrogacy. Even Jack didn't know that the man he referred to as uncle Jensen was really his father.

            Lydia had been livid when she found out about Jack. It had almost broken them up before they had even seriously started dating. After weeks of fighting she tried to convince Jensen that it was in everyone's best interest if they told Jack who his really father was. When Jensen refused to take Jack away from Josh and Danny, Lydia had left him. Several weeks later she called him and told him he was right and they were back together.

            At the age of nineteen Jensen's life turned into a whirl wind. He married Lydia, published a fiction book then enlisted in the army like he had always dreamed. The money he was getting from his book he bought himself and Lydia a large house and moved Danny, Jack and Josh in as well. His reasoning was that if he couldn't have the opportunity to raise his own son then at least he'd be able to watch him grow.

            Now that Jack was almost five years old Jensen is glad he made the decisions he did. Getting  to watch his son grow up in a healthy household with two parents who loved him dearly made everything worth it. He can't lie and say that at time when he was watching Danny or Josh take care of Jack  that he didn't wish it was him. But he knew deep down that if he had kept Jack as his own the boy wouldn't have gotten the life he had now.

            "What are you think about?" Danny asked as he dropped down on the couch next to Jensen.

            "Jack," he whispered.

            Danny moved closer to Jensen and threw his arm around his shoulders. "Have I thanked you lately for what you did for us?"

            "You don't need to thank me, Danny. I should be thanking you."

            Danny smiled. "If it wasn't for you we wouldn't have Jack."

            "No, if it wasn't for a faulty condom and Bennett Lynn you wouldn't have Jack."

            "Did you ever tell him about Jack?"

            Jensen nodded. "He told me to do whatever I thought was right."

            "Then thank God for horny Bennett Lynn."

            Jack wandered into the room with his math homework in his hand. He looked between his papa and his uncle.

            "You alright uncle Jen?" He asked.

            "Come here buddy," Jensen whispered reaching a hand out to Jack.

            The boy moved closer to his uncle and sat down in between him and Danny. When he had himself situated comfortably on the couch he looked up at Jensen.

            "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

            "Of course not. I was just going to ask if you wanted some help on your homework."

            Jack smiled up at Jensen. "I'd love some help."

            Danny smiled at the two of them and got up off the couch. "I'll just give you two some uncle/nephew time."

            "Papa can we have pizza for dinner?" Jack asked, looking up from his math homework.

            "Anything you like," he whispered dropping a kiss to his sons cheek.

            Jack smiled brightly. "I love you, papa."

            "I love you too Jack."

            Jensen couldn't help but feel that painful squeeze to his heart as he watched his brother in law interact with Jack. He must have made a face because Danny turned around so that he could take Jensen's hand in his.

            "Thank you," he whispered, giving Jensen's hand a gentle squeeze.

            Jack pulled on Jensen's sleeve trying to get his attention. "Uncle Jen?"

            "Yeah buddy?"

            "I love you."

            Jensen ruffled Jack's hair and kissed his forehead. "I love you too, Jack."

            The two of them settled down into the couch and worked on Jack's homework together. About half way through the sheet of math problems a very tired looking Josh came walking into the living room. When he saw the scene that was playing out in front of him he stopped in the doorway and smiled.

            "What're you two up too?" He asked.

            Jack looked up from his paper and smiled. "We're doing my homework daddy," he said happily. "Uncle Jensen is really smart."

            "He is, is he?"

            Jack nodded. "He really knows what he's doing," the little boy informed him.

            "I'm glad to hear that. Did your papa tell you what we are having for dinner?"

            "Pizza," Jensen said looking up at his brother for the first time since he walked in. "It was ordered upon Jack's request."

            Josh nodded. "You okay with pizza Jen?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Everyone is always okay with pizza," Jack told him.

            "Is that right?"

            "Of course!"

            Josh walked forward and ruffled Jack's hair. "You almost done with your homework?"

            "Yup."

            Jensen got up from the couch stiffly. "You okay with helping him finish?" He asked his older brother.

            Josh nodded. "Yeah I'm good." He grabbed Jensen's hand as he tried to pass and pulled his brother closer to him. "You okay Jen?"

            Jensen looked over at Jack then back at Josh. "I'm good," he whispered.

            "You need to talk?"

            "Not now. I think I need to lie down. Save me a slice of pizza?"

            "Yeah, of course."

            Jensen limped out of the room and made his way up the stairs. Once he was in his room he settled down on the bed and closed his eyes. When the images in his head seemed to be playing nice for the moment he slipped into a peaceful sleep.

            When he woke up Jack was leaning over him with a smile on his face. Unable to hold in his surprise Jensen let out a small gasp at seeing him so close to his face.

            "Sorry," Jack whispered leaning back.

            Jensen grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him closer. "It's okay. You just surprised me. What's up?"

            Jack scrambled up the bed and laid down on the bed next to Jensen. "Are you okay uncle Jen?"

            "Of course. Why do you think there is something wrong?"

            "I overheard daddy and papa talking and they were saying that I am making you sad." Jack looked up at Jensen with teary eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"

            Jensen pulled Jack closer to him and cradled Jack's head to his chest. "Of course not," he whispered. "You didn't do anything wrong."

            "Then why am I making you sad?"

            "You're not. I'm just sad that I don't have a child of my own," he lied.

            "Because aunt Lydia left?"

            "Yeah buddy. I'm sad that your aunt Lydia and I didn't have any kids."

            Jack looked up at Jensen. "So I didn't do anything wrong?"

            "You could never do anything wrong," Jensen told him. He tickled the little boys side. "Your too sweet to do anything wrong."

            Jack giggled. He kicked his feet around while being overly aware of where he was kicking so as to not hurt Jensen. When Jensen stopped tickling him he curled into his side. That is how Danny found them several hours later; curled up together and sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a 'I might not be able to post tomorrow so I will post a short chapter' kind of chapter. I wanted to give a little bit of background on Jensen and Jack with some fluff. Hope you liked it =)


	5. I just want to live comfortably

            Jensen was nervous. Ever since his injury he hasn't been around this many people. Now he was sitting in his living room sandwiched between Jack and Josh on the couch trying to act like the sheer amount of people wasn't freaking him out. The sad part of all of it was that he knew everyone on his house. They are his family and family friends, not one person here was a stranger.

            "You doing okay?" Josh whispered.

            Jensen grabbed Jack and pulled him into his lap. When the little boy didn't struggled to be put down he placed his chin on top of Jack's head and sighed. "I'm fine."

            "You sure? You're holding onto Jack like he's a lifeline."

            "Do you want me to put him down?" Jensen asked. He unconsciously tightened his arms around Jack.

            "No," Josh said. He ruffled Jack's hair and stood up. "I am going to see of Danny is ready for you to start grilling. Okay?"

            "Okay."

            Jack turned in Jensen's lap and looked up at him. "Are you okay uncle Jensen?"

            With Jack this close to him he could see just how much the little boy looks like him. The similarities are hard to miss when you can see the greenness of his eyes and the freckles that scatter across him face. Their noses are the same and he has the same chin but everything else is Bennett Lynn. But Jensen can tell that as Jack gets older he will start to look more like him which will cause problems.

            "Uncle Jen?" Jack whispered trying to get Jensen out of his inner musing.

            "I'm fine," he whispered. He ruffed the little boys hair and placed him down on the couch next to him. Jensen heard the doorbell ring then.

            "Can I get the door?" Jack asked.

            "Go ahead buddy."

            Jack climbed off the couch and ran out of the room. A few minutes later he came wandering back in with Jared following behind him. He looked between the two men then ran out of the room again.

            "Hey," Jensen greeted trying to get to his feet.

            Jared rushed over to help him up. Once Jensen was on his feet with his cane in his hand Jared moved back and smiled.

            "Hi. How are you?"

            "I'm good. How about you?"

            Jared shrugged. "Same old, same old."  

            "Work going well? I didn't get you in trouble did I?"

            "No, no. Greg was surprisingly okay with everything after you left. I think it has to do with  the fact that everyone loves you in this town."

            "I grew up here," Jensen said.

            "I have a question. It's going to seem a bit forward but..."

            "Go ahead and ask."

            "Is that little boy yours?" Jared asked pointing in the direction of where Jack had disappeared.

            Jensen wanted to say yes. He yearned to say yes. But instead he shook his head. "He's my older brother's kid."

            "He looks so much like you," Jared whispered looking over his shoulder. "Did they have him through surrogacy?"

            "Yeah about five years ago. That's actually what this barbecue is for. My older brother and his husband are expecting twins through surrogacy and they just found out the gender. They wanted to celebrate with family and friends while revealing the gender to everyone."

            "Really? That's exciting. Do you know what they are having?"

            "One of each. We found out the other day."

            "And they live here with you?"

            Jensen nodded. "Danny, Josh and Jack needed somewhere to stay so I let them stay here. It was only temporary but then my accident happened and my wife left me so I asked them to stay with me."

            "What happened?" Jared asked. "If you don't mind me asking," he added.

            "It's okay. About nine months ago my Humvee drove over a roadside bomb that was about a mile away from our camp. I was the only one who survived."

            Jared nodded. "I'm guessing three months in the VA hospital and for the last six months you've been doing physical and mental therapy?"

            "How do you know that?"

            "My dad was in a similar accident when I was little. He nearly lost his left leg and no longer has full sight in his right eye. After he was released from the hospital he refused to go see a therapist of any kind. He was depressed and spent most of his time in bed. One day about nine months after the bombing he told us that he was done being a burden on us. We all assumed he meant that he was going to kill himself so we panicked. In reality he had decided to start trying to get better."

            "And is he?"

            Jared nodded. "He's doing really well. He still walks with a bit of a limp but other than that he doesn't need a cane or assistance."

            "I'd really like to meet him. I'm uh...I'm having some problems."

            "PTSD is hard. I've worked with some patients who are dealing with it. I can't imagine what it is like to life with it."

            Jensen shrugged. "Some days are easier than others. But nights...nights are the hardest. I have nightmares so the doctor prescribed me sleeping medication but that just makes it worse."

            "How are you feeling today? I know sometimes it's hard to deal with larger crowds."

            "I'm fine. Everyone here is family or family friend. I grew up with all of them."

            "Jen?" Josh yelled from the dining room. A few seconds later his brother appeared. "Oh hi," he said when he saw Jared. "I didn't realize you were here."

            Jared smiled.  "I didn't exactly make it very far into the house. Jensen and I were just talking about him recovery."

            Josh looked between Jared and Jensen. "You actually talked about it?" he asked his little brother.

            Jensen shrugged. "He asked."

            Josh smiled. "That's good," he said. "Now if you don't mind I think it's time you come outside and make the burgers."

            Jared grabbed Jensen's arm under the elbow. "I can tell you hate that cane. Why don't you put it down and I'll help you move around?"

            Jensen threw his cane onto the couch. "You'd have to stand next to me while I make the burgers."

            "Sounds like fun. Maybe I can pick up a thing or two so that I can be less shitty at cooking."

            "If you want to learn to cook you should hang out with my brother in law Danny. He is one hell of a cook. Right Josh?"

            Josh nodded. "My husband is a fantastic cook."

            "Then why are you making the burgers?" Jared asked.

            "Jensen is a burger master. No one can recreate his burgers. I would know, I tried."

            "Okay then." Jared took a tighter grip on Jensen's arm and started leading him through the house. "Let's get these burgers made, shall we?"

______________________________________________________________________________

            Later that night, after all of the other guests were gone, Danny, Josh, Jared and Jensen sat outside on the back porch drinking beer's. Jack laid curled up on Josh's lap dozing softly.

            Jared leaned over to Jensen and whispered: "That is the most adorable picture ever. Did you and your ex wife have kids?"

            Jensen shook his head. "She didn't want any. At least none that would have been biologically hers. We talked about adopting but..."

            "But the bitch turned tail the moment Jensen got hurt."

            "My dad kept asking my mom for years why she stuck with him after he was injured."

            "What did she say?" Danny asked.

            "That 'soul mates don't leave each other in times of trouble'."

            Josh smiled and cuddled Jack closer to his chest. "Your mother takes the 'death do us part' seriously, huh?"

            "My mother takes every part of her vows seriously," Jared told them. "Do you not?"

            Josh looked over at Danny. "I take every part of my vows seriously too," he whispered.

            Jensen watched as Danny grabbed Josh's hand and kissed his knuckles softly. The two men shared a little moment until Jack started to stir in Josh's lap.

            "Daddy?" Josh whispered.

            "Yeah Jack?"

            "I'm tired. Can I go to bed?"

            Josh chuckled softly. "Yeah Jack, I'll bring you to bed."

            When Josh stood up Jared did too. The younger man stretched out his back and groaned.

            "I should be going," he said. "I've got an early shift in the morning."

            Jensen tried to stand but failed without having the cane for support. "I'd show you out but..."

            Jared rushed forward and grabbed onto Jensen's arm so that he could help him stand. "There we go," he whispered.

            "Thanks man," Jensen mumbled.

            "It's really no big deal," Jared told him as they started to walk towards the front door. "Thanks for inviting me. I had a lot of fun tonight."

            "I'm glad you did."

            When they got to the front door Jared released Jensen's arm and moved to the side. "Um...I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out with me sometime?"

            "Like a date?"

            Jared scratched the back of his neck then nodded.

            "I, uh, I'm not dating at the moment," he whispered. "I'm not stable enough and I'd hate to drag someone else into my mess if I don't have to."

            Jared nodded. "Oh okay. Well maybe we could hang out as friends?"

            "I think I could do that," Jensen agreed. "How about you text me sometime?"

            "Yeah," Jared whispered. He leaned forward and kissed Jensen on the cheek softly. "Thanks again. And goodnight."

            "Bye," Jensen called as Jared opened the front door and left.

            "I get that you are a tortured soul and all that but you should have said yes to that date," Josh said as he came down the stairs.

            "Were you eavesdropping dear brother of mine?" Jensen asked.

            Josh smiled. "Of course I was."

            "Most people deny when they are caught."

            "I'm not most people," Josh said with a shrug. "So why did you turn him down?"

            "He's still young and going through medical school. He doesn't need me messing up his life."

            "Messing up his life?" Josh asked. He stepped forward and placed a hand on Jensen's shoulder. "How would you be messing up his life?"

            "I'm damaged goods."

            Josh shook his head and stepped away from Jensen. "Whatever," he mumbled.

            "He has a future that he is working towards. I don't fit into that. I can't fit into that."

            "And why not Jen? Why can't you fit into that?"

            "Because I don't always see a light at the end of the tunnel," Jensen yelled. "I don't always see myself living past the next few months. How the hell do I drag him into that?"

            "What about me? What about Jack? Or mom and dad and Mac?"

            "This is about me," Jensen sobbed. "This is about me feeling guilty that I am here. That I survived that night. I lost three of my best friends that day. I lost my future and everything I was striving for. And what have I gotten since? A divorce and a giant hole in my heart watching my son grow up not knowing that I am his father."

            "Is that what you want? Do you want Jack? Because..."

            "You know for a fact that I would never take Jack from you and Danny."

            "Then what Jen? What is it that you want?"

            "I want my life back."

            "Well guess what? You can't have it back. But you can start building a new one."

             Jensen limped towards the seat in the hallway and sat down. "I don't know where to even start."

            Josh walked over and placed a hand on Jensen's shoulder. "Start by taking your damn therapy seriously. I understand you find it ridiculous but if you tried you could get in a better head space. And for God's sake get to know Jared better. I feel like he could be good for you."

            Jensen ran his hands down his face. When he removed his hands he looked up at his older brother and nodded. "I'll try my best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to post regularly but sometimes it gets difficult with everyday life. Also I can tell I am starting to develop writers block so either the next few chapters are going to suck or it is going to take me a while to post.


	6. Lucid dreaming

            Jensen knew he when his was dreaming. It was almost lucid dreaming at this point. He was just barely asleep now but the sleeping pills that he was on was keeping him just under the surface of consciousness. If he concentrated hard enough he is pretty sure he could control what was going on in the dream but the fear of what was going in was stopping him.

            He was lying on the slightly muddy ground in the desert. It had been raining all day, which was a rarity for the usually hot and humid desert country. At this moment he was couldn't feel the pain but his half awake pain was supply him with the memory of the pain. He cried out for help, nothing was coming out of his mouth. Everything was being drowned out by the sound of the Humvee that was on fire and the screams of Dan who was close by. Just like in real life Jensen started crawling towards the screaming man but the more he moved the further he got. Dan was screaming his name, begging him to save him. Now he could hear Jerry and Hank are screaming for him to save them. They're begging him, reminding him of their kids back home.

            "Jensen?" He hears from just outside if his dream. "Come on Jen, wake up."

            Now Jensen's awake brain is fighting with his asleep brain causing the images to warp. Now instead of Hank, Jerry and Dan yelling at him it was Josh yelling instead. He could no longer hear the sounds of the Humvee that was on fire. Everything was replaced by Josh's voice asking him to wake up.

            "Come on, come on, come on," Josh chanted. "You're okay, Jen. I've got you. But you need to wake up."

            Jensen could register that Josh was shaking him. The slight jostling movement made Jensen bolt upright in bed, fully awake.

            "Shit," Josh mumbled. He sank down onto the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. "You really scared me for a minute there."

            "How long were you trying to wake me up?"

            "Five minutes."

            "Did I scream? Did I wake Jack up?"

            Josh shook his head. "Josh and Danny went out this morning. I was trying to wake you up to see if you still wanted to go to church."

            Before his accident Jensen was not religious. Much to his mother dismay he had stopped going to church when he was sixteen because he felt no connection to God at the time. His faith was restored when he was in the Army. It became even more so after he survived the bombing.

            "Yeah," he said, running a hand down his face. "I'll be down in a minute."

            Josh nodded but didn't get up. Instead he reached across the bed and picked up the sleeping pills that were sitting on the night side table. "These things still not working properly?"

            "They get me to sleep."

            "But..."

            "But they give me nightmares. And I think they are causing me to have lucid dreams."

            "Lucid dreams?"

            "They suck. I'm half awake and half asleep and all things going on around me creep into the dream. When I was dreaming before all the noises in my dream were replaced with your voice."

            "Really? You weren't having a sex dream were you?"

            "No I wasn't having a sex dream," Jensen said laughing. "I was having my normal dream."

            "Oh," Josh whispered.

            "Thanks for waking me up by the way. It was getting bad."

            "No problem." Josh put the sleeping pills back on the table then patted Jensen on the knee gently. "We're gonna be late if you don't get out of bed soon."

            "Okay," he said as he struggled to get out of bed. "Just give me a few minutes and I'll be down."

            Josh stood up and helped Jensen get up out of bed. "You a little stiff this morning?"

            Jensen leaned against his brother. "I think so. Can you grab me my cane?"

            Josh let go of Jensen for a second, grab the cane, then ran back over to Jensen. "You want me to stay in here just in case?"

            Jensen nodded. "Thanks."

            Thirty minutes later Jensen and Josh were heading down the stairs. Using Josh as a support system they got to the car where Josh helped him into the car.

            "Well that didn't take forever," Jensen joked.

            "Can have taken longer." Josh started the car and pulled out of the driveway. "Is that what it is like every morning?"

            "No. Sometimes I have good mornings where I barely feel the pain but sometimes I have days like today. Talia thinks it might have to do with either the weather or the temperature in my room."

            "You think she is crazy?"

            "I guess not. My room was kind of stuffy last night so it might have been that."

            "You want a humidifier in your room? I can get you one later on."

            Jensen laughed. When Josh gave him a funny face he stopped. "Sorry," he mumbled. "It's just its my house and you are trying to get stuff for me."

            "Your house? Now it's your house? I thought it was our house."

            "It is our house. It's just that it is my name so I own the house."

            Josh shook his head. He turned into the church parking lot, pulled into a spot and killed the engine. "You want to get out on your own?"

            "I honestly don't think I can," he whispered, staring down at his leg.

            Josh put his hand on Jensen's shoulder. "It's fine," he told him. "I prefer that you ask for help then try to do it all on your own."

            "Thanks, man."

            "No problem, Jen."

______________________________________________________________________________

            After church Josh and Jared went to the store to get the humidifier. After several minutes of fighting over who would pay for it Josh grabbed the box and rushed out of Jensen's reach. By the time Jensen made it up to the register Josh was paying for the humidifier.

            "You suck," he said as they left the store.

            "I said I was going to pay for it," Josh reminded him.

            "I know you did but it's for my room so I should have to pay for it."

            "I don't pay for rent. I don't pay for utilities. I basically live in your house with my husband and child for free. So excuse me if I want to pay for a humidifier."

            "Are we going to fight over something as stupid as this?" Jensen asked.

            Josh shrugged. "Probably not. But you've got too much pride, man."

            "I know I do. But it is something that is hard to just give up on, you know? I spent so much time before this looking after everyone else and now I have all these people looking after me and I don't know what to do about it."

            "You need to relax. Have some fun. Go out on a date with Jared..."

            "How the hell did this become about Jared?"

            Josh slammed the trunk door closed. "Because you're an idiot for not taking him up on his offer."

            "Whatever," Jensen mumbled. "I'm not going to fight with you about this again."

            "You're right. I'll give you some space. I'm sorry."

            "Thank you. Now will you help me into the car?  
            Josh laughed and helped Jensen into the car. "You want to go anywhere after this?" He asked after getting into the car himself.

            "No, I'm good."

            "You sure?" Josh asked. "Don't want to go to the grocery store?"

            "Shut up," he mumbled.

            "No? Really? Are you sure?"

            "I swear to God Josh, shut up."

            "Whatever," Josh said laughing.

            Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and settled back into the passenger side seat. He yawned and looked out the window. Trying to relieve some of the pain in his leg he stretched it out in front of him as far as he could. When he stretched it a little too far he got a cramp.

            "Oh shit," he mumbled when the pain shot up his leg.

            "You okay?" Josh asked sneaking a look over at him.

            "Cramp."

            "You need me to pull over?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Josh pulled into the closest parking lot and parked the car. Quickly he jumped out of the car so that he could help Jensen out. With his support Jensen walked around until the cramp was gone.

            "Better?"

            Jensen nodded. "Yeah, I'm better."

            "Still want to go home?" Josh asked as they made their way back towards the car. "We can walk around somewhere to make sure your leg doesn't cramp again."

            "We're not going to the grocery store," Jensen snapped. "Besides I'm tired and I really want to take a nap."

            "You going to be able to sleep?"

            "Probably not but I've got to try. I didn't get that much sleep last night."

            Josh helped Jensen into the car again then drove them home. After getting his brother's help to get up the stairs Jensen crawled into bed and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at ending chapters. Sorry for the awfulness of them all the time.


	7. It's not a date

When Jared texted Jensen asking him if he wanted to go out with him Jensen almost said no. The idea of dragging Jared into his issues was still making Jensen slightly uncomfortable. But he had promised Josh that he would try so he was going to.   
            "If going out tonight," Jensen informed his brother.  
            Josh lifted an eyebrow. "With whom may I ask?"  
            "Jared," Jensen mumbled.  
            "I couldn't hear you. Could you please repeat that?"  
            "Jared," he repeated a little louder.  
            "I think I might be mistaken. Did you say you were going out with Jared?"  
            "Don't you dare read too much into this," Jensen said. "We're just having dinner together."  
            "So a date?"  
            "It's not a date."

            "Then what is it?"

            "I told you. It's just dinner."

            "What does he think it is?"

            Jensen threw his hands in the air in annoyance. "I don't know," he growled. "He asked me if I wanted to get dinner. I didn't ask him to define it. He knows that I am not looking to date because I told him I'm not."

            "And if he thinks it's a date?"

            Jensen sank down into a chair. "I should have said no," he mumbled.

            "Why?"

            "I'm not ready for this."

            "For dinner?"

            "For dating."

            "So it is a date?"

            Jensen let out a whine. "I don't know."

            "Do you want it to be a date?"

            Jensen shrugged.

            Josh sat down in the chair next to Jensen. He put his hand on his little brothers shoulder and squeezed gently. "If you're not ready for a date then don't call it a date. Don't date him."

            "Then what do I do with him?"

            "Well that is up to you," Josh said suggestively. When Jensen gave him a look he laughed. "Hang out with him. Get to know him. Then sometime down the line go out on a real date with him."

            "What will be the difference between hanging out and dating?"

            "Sex."

            Jensen put his head in his hands. Suddenly his head snapped up. "What if he's not a top?"

            "Is that really a big deal? I mean you were a top when you were with Lydia."

            "So if you weren't with Danny you would be fine with topping?"

            "How the hell did you know I am a bottom?"

            "Danny told me."

            Josh scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "That is something I wish you never knew," he mumbled. "So him being a bottom would be a deal breaker?"

            Jensen shrugged. "It would feel like a waste, you know? I mean here I am a man who can get pregnant and I top. What would be the point."

            "So in heterosexual relationships you are a top but in homosexual relationships you're a bottom?"

            "I'm versatile," Jensen deadpanned.

            "It's like nine in the morning," Danny said as he walked into the kitchen, "why the hell are you two discussing whether or not Jensen is a top?"

            "He's going on a date with Jared."

            "Not a date."

            "Sorry. He's going out to dinner with Jared."

            "That sounds like a date," Danny told him.

            "Well it's not."

            Danny shared a look with Josh before shrugging. "Whatever you say. Just don't string the boy along."

            "That's why I am not dating him. Could you imagine dating me? I'm a mess."

            "You're not a mess," Josh said.

            "My therapist would beg to differ," Jensen whispered.

            "Speaking of which, you've got an appointment in twenty minutes."

            Jensen sighed heavily. "Oh goody."

______________________________________________________________________________

            When Jared pulled up in front of the house Jensen was pretty sure he was going to hyperventilate. He just couldn't help but be nervous. When his breathing got too irregular Josh placed Jack into his lap. The little boy looked up at him and smiled.

            "Can I come with you uncle Jen?" Jack asked.

            "This is a dinner for grown up Jack," Josh said as he sat down on the couch next to Jensen. "You're going to have dinner with me and papa."

            Jack frowned. "Why is it a dinner for grownups?"

            "Your uncle and his friend are getting to know one another. It's like a play date. Would you like it if your uncle Jensen interrupted one of your play dates?"

            "Uncle Jensen would make a play date more fun," Jack told him.

            "And you'd make this dinner more fun too," Jensen said. "But tonight it's just Jared and me. But I'll make it up to you."

            Jack nodded. "Okay," he said as he gently crawled out of Jensen's lap.

            "I wish everything was that easy," Jensen said as Jack left the room.

            "Me too." Josh turned to Jensen. "You going to be okay? You were scary close to a panic attack there and he's not even at the door yet."

            Jensen nodded. "I'm fine. Just nervous."

            The doorbell rang and the brothers exchanged a look before Josh got up off the couch so that he could answer the door. A few minutes later Josh came back into the room with Jared following behind him.

            "Hey," Jared said when he saw Jensen. When he smiled his dimples were on full display and it took Jensen's breath away.

            "Hi," Jensen squeaked out.

            Jared stepped forward and helped Jensen up off the couch without the other man even having to ask him to. He handed Jensen his cane and smiled again.

            "How have you been?" He asked.

            Jensen shrugged. "Leg's really been bothering me the last couple of days. Other than that I have been good."

            Jared nodded. "The humid weather always causes my dad's leg to cramp up. He was telling me that other day that he is better than the weather man at being able to tell what the day is going to be like."

            "Jensen likes to inform us when it's going to rain," Josh said from where he was leaning against the wall. "He hasn't been wrong once."

            Jared smiled again and chuckled. With those dimples on full display once again Jensen was convinced he wasn't going to make it through dinner. Every time he caught a glimpse of a smiling Jared he felt like his heart was going to explode from beating so quickly. Not to mention his breath kept getting caught in his throat.

            "Are you ready to go?" Jared asked.

            Jensen nodded.

            "Okay."

            Jared gently grabbed Jensen's arm and steered him towards the front door. He led him out of the house and down the driveway. When they reached Jared's car the younger man released him.

            "Do you need help?" He asked.

            Jensen shook his head. "I have no problem getting into SUV's."

            Jared nodded. He unlocked the car and opened the door for Jensen. "Well I am going to stand here just in case," he said as Jensen started trying to get himself into the car. Once Jensen managed to get himself up he shut the door and got in behind the wheel.

            "So, where are we going?"

            Jared started the car and pulled off the curb in silence. When he didn't answer for several seconds Jensen turned to him. The younger man was biting his lower lip, worrying the flesh with his teeth until it was bright red. When he realized that Jensen was staring at him he sighed.

            "I'm basically poor," he whispered. "I've got so many expenses with school and rent and car insurance that I barely have enough to pay for a lot of things. I really wanted to take you out but I can't really afford anywhere really fancy and expensive so I was thinking that the diner in town was a good idea but now that I actually have you in the car I feel stupid."

            "The diner in town is fine."

            "Really?"

            "It's fine Jared," Jensen reassured him. "I would have been fine with you making me PB&J."

            Jared laughed. "You're an easy date." Once the words were out of his mouth he shook his head. "Sorry," he whispered. "I know you're not looking to date. I just..."

            "It's fine," Jensen said placing a hand on Jared's shoulder. "I get it. It's an expression. No harm done."

            "Okay," Jared whispered.

            When the pulled into the diner Jared turned off the car and got out. Before Jensen even had his seatbelt off the younger man was at the passenger side door ready to help him out. After a slight struggle with his seatbelt brought on by nerves, Jensen was able to undo it and get out of the car.

            "When I first was deployed Josh sent me a picture of the diner sign that read 'Good Luck and Safe Return to Jensen Ackles," Jensen told Jared as they made their way through the parking lot. "And then when I got home after accident the sign read 'Welcome home Jensen Ackles.'"

            "I remember seeing that," Jared said. "I didn't realize that that was you."

            Jensen stopped walking and looked up at the sign. "I hated seeing that sign. It made me feel guilty. I remember when I went to the funeral's for the other's and their home town's had Rest In Peace instead of welcome home."

            Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and squeezed it. "The other guy's wouldn't want you to feel guilty. They would want you to celebrate your life. They died serving their country and that is one damn honorable thing."

            "They had families."

            "And so do you. From what I've seen you have a close knit family that loves you. I understand you feel guilty but you're not. You didn't do anything to feel that guilt. You were lucky. You survived. They'd understand."

            Jensen wiped his free hand down his face. "I told you I am too damaged to date."

            Jared moved closer to Jensen. He placed his hand under Jensen's chin and lifted to so that they were looking eye to eye. "You are not damaged. You are healing."

            "Not according to my therapist I'm not."

            "It's going to take you time to get there. There is no time table on how long it will take you to be better no matter what your therapist tells you. You nearly died. You watched your friends die. That isn't something you just bounce back from."

            Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared on the cheek. "Thank you," he whispered.

            "There is no reason to thank me," he said stepping back. "Now I don't know about you but I think we should get some food. I am pretty hungry."

            "Sounds like a plan," Jensen said. Without letting go of Jared's hand he turned and started making his way to the diner.

            All heads snapped their way when Jensen and Jared entered the diner. At first it was silent, no one moved a muscle. Then suddenly all at once everyone turned away and started talking again.

            "Does that happen every time you enter a room?" Jared whispered.

            "Pretty much."

            Kathy, the hostess, appeared from nowhere and squealed. She rushed forward and pulled Jensen into a hug.

            "Jen," she sighed as she stepped back. "How have you been?"

            "I've been good. How about you? How is Tom?"

            Kathy frowned. "He's okay. I haven't talked to him in a few days and it is starting to worry me. We haven't gone this long without communicating since he left for Basic's."

            "I'm sure he's fine," Jensen said. He placed his hand on Kathy's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm sure you'll hear from him in a few days."

            "Have you heard from anyone?"

            "Chris and Steve contact me and every now and then and Tom usually checks in on me from time to time. But I haven't heard from any of them in a few weeks."

            "Jerry's wife called me last night."

            "How is she doing?"

            Kathy shrugged. "Pregnant."

            "What?"

            "Her and Jerry planned ahead just in case something like what happened actually happened. After he died she decided she wanted another baby trying to get that little boy they never managed to get."

            "And?"

            "She is having twin boys. She had found out yesterday and wanted to share the news. She wanted to call you but she was afraid of how you would react."

            "I'm happy for her."

            "I'll make sure to pass that on," Kathy said smiling sadly. As if she just realized Jared was standing there she turned to the younger man and smiled. "Hey Jared."

            "Hey Kathy."

            "How have you been sweetie?"

            Jared shrugged. "I've been better. School's starting to take its toll on me. Add that with working a full time job I am basically dead on me feet."

            Jensen looked over at Jared and frowned. "Oh," he whispered. "If you'd prefer going home and sleeping we can..."

            "Don't finish that thought," Jared said. "I asked you to dinner so we are having dinner. Besides I've got the day off tomorrow and no school so I can catch up on sleep then."

            Kathy smiled. "You two are on a date?" She turned to Jensen and squeezed his shoulder. "I'm so happy to see you moving on from Lydia."

            "It's not a date," Jared said. "Just dinner. I'm paying him back for inviting me to a barbecue last weekend."

            "Oh," Kathy whispered. Her smile faltered for a second then it came back again. "Well I am still glad to see you out and about Jensen. So how about I seat you two now?"

            "That would be great," Jensen said. He rubbed his sore leg. "This damn leg is starting to act up."

            "I completely forgot," Kathy mumbled as she led them to their table. "Sorry I had you standing around so long."

            "It's fine."

            Once Jared and Jensen were seated she took their drink order then disappeared again.

            "How do you know Kathy?" Jared asked.

            "I grew up with her and her husband Tom."

            "He's in the Army."

            Jensen nodded. "We joined together. We were stationed together before I got injured."

            Jared was quiet for a few minutes just staring at the menu. Thinking that they had hit a awkward silence Jensen mentally kicked himself for not being more interesting. He was so busy beating himself up that when Jared closed his menu with some force he jumped into the air.

            "I'm sorry," Jared whispered.

            "For what?"

            "For being so awkward. It's just I heard some rumors and I don't know how to bring it up so..."

            "Rumor's?"

            "Is Jack yours? I know you told me he isn't but..."

            "But this is a small town and people talk."

            "Yeah."

            "Yeah he's mine."

            Jared nodded. "How old were you?"

            "Eighteen when I got pregnant, nineteen when I had him. I wasn't ready to raise a kid so Josh took him in for me."

            "You don't mind being uncle Jensen?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I get to be in my sons life. It could be worse. Plus having him around during this whole thing is really helping me."

            "I bet," Jared said.

            They sat quietly only speaking again to order. After about ten minutes of silence Jared turned to Jensen.

            "Who is your favorite baseball player?"

            And that is how Jared got Jensen to open up to him. For the next hour and a half Jared and Jensen talked about everything from sport to politics. They discovered that they both loved the same music and the same movies. When Jared told Jensen that he went to church every Sunday he had off the older man told him about his path leading him back to God. When the check came Jensen paid telling Jared that he could make it up to him at some other time.

             Jared and Jensen drove back in silence. The two men were happy to just let the radio play and fill the car. It was comfortable. It was perfect.

            "This was a date, wasn't it?" Jensen said as Jared pulled into his driveway.

            "I'd really like for it to have been."

            Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared on the lips gently. "I would too."

            "We can take this as slow as you want," Jared told him. He kissed the older man. "I don't want to rush you."

            Jensen crashed their lips together and kissed Jared hard. After a few minutes and kissing he had to pull back because his legs was hurting him in the position he was in.

            "Slow is good," he panted.

            Jared frowned. He leaned forward and kissed Jensen again. "I'll try my best."

            "Good night," Jensen said pulling back again. He scrambled out of the car the best he could with his injured leg.

            "I'll text you tomorrow, okay?" Jared said through the open window.

            "Okay."

            Jensen watched as Jared pulled out of his driveway. He waved to the younger man then made his way into the house.

            "I thought it wasn't a date," he heard Josh say from the living room.

            "Shut up," he called as he went up the stairs to bed.

           

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post thins chapter. I just spent the past week at a horse show acting as my sisters personal groom (slave). I'll be back to my regular posting either tomorrow or Wednesday depending on how my traveling goes.


	8. Two steps back

            Josh leaned over Jensen as he was laying on the couch. "What are you doing?"

            Jensen shushed him, shutting his eyes lightly. "I have writers block."

            "Okay? Why are you laying on the couch like that?"

            Jensen opened his eyes and glared up at his older brother. "It's part of my process."

            "Process?"

            "Will you go away?"

            Josh backed up. "Sorry," he muttered. "What are you writing anyways."

            "New novel. My agent wants the first five chapters be next week and I only have two done. I've hit a snag though."

            Josh sat down in the chair across from Jensen. "What are you writing about this time?"

            "Post Apocalyptic story about two people who find each other after being alone for almost ten years."

            "So soul mates finding each other in a time of trouble?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I guess."

            "So basically your love story with Jared but after the apocalypse?"

            "Why do you keep bringing everything back to Jared?"

            "Because you two make an adorable couple," Josh told him. "And you obviously like him. Why are you denying it?"

            "It's too difficult. Do you know what we talked about last time we went out to dinner together? We talked about my problems. We talked about how guilty I feel about being alive. We talked about Jack being mine. Not first date type of talk."

            "He likes you."

            "So?"

            Josh stood up and sat down on the arm rest next to Jensen's head. "So, he doesn't care about that stuff! You told him several times that you are damaged and he still likes you."

            "What if he changes his mind?"

            "That's what you are afraid of? Him changing his mind?"

            "He just knows what is happening from me telling him. He doesn't know what it is like when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. He doesn't know what it is like to have to try to wake me up while my sleeping pills are keeping me asleep. He doesn't..."

            "The guy helps you off the couch without you having to ask. He looks at you like you are something special. Not once has he looked at you with pity."

            "I don't want to talk about this anymore," Jensen mumbled shutting his eyes again. "I need to go back to thinking."

            Josh stood up. "Fine. Do you want anything for lunch?"

            "No," Jensen whispered. "I just want to think."

            "I'll make you a sandwich and leave it in the kitchen."

            "Thanks."

            Ten minutes later Jensen's phone started buzzing. Stretching carefully he grabs his phone and sees that it is a message from Jared.

            _Got off early. You wanna hang out?_

_Sure._

_I'll pick you up in twenty._

Jensen smiled down at his phone thinking about seeing Jared. He could feel heat pooling in his belly as he thought about the younger man. No one had ever made him feel like that before. Sure he had loved Lydia but this was different. Jared was different.

            Five minutes after getting the text message from Jared a full blown panic attack rocked its way through Jensen. Feelings of inadequacy ripped their way through him until he was barely breathing and his heart was racing. Josh must have realized something was wrong because he came rushing into the room and dropped down in front of Jensen.  
            "Jen? What's wrong? Talk to me," he said cupping the younger man's face.   
            Jensen looked up at Josh with a wild look on his face. He tried speaking but the only thing that came out was a sob. His vision was starting the blur and before he knew it he blacked out.  
______________________________________________________________________________  
            "Is he okay?" Jensen heard someone say as he started waking up.  
            "He had a pretty bad panic attack about ten minutes ago," Josh told the other person. "He's been passed out ever since."  
            "Do you know what happened?"  
            "No. When I left the room he was fine. I came back in a few minutes later and found him on the couch hyperventilating."  
            "Could it be my fault?" The other person, who Jensen now knew was Jared, asked. "I texted him about fifteen minutes ago asking if he wanted to hang out."  
            "I honestly don't know Jared. He has a lot on his plate right now with his agent breathing down his neck so it might be that."  
            "Can I talk to him?"  
            Josh stuck his head into the room and smiled softly when he saw that Jensen was awake. "How you feeling?" He asked stepping into the room.  
            "I don't want to talk to him," he whispered.   
            "You want me to send him away?"  
            Jensen nodded.  
            Josh stepped out of the room again. "He doesn't want to talk to you," he told Jared.  
            Jared sucked in a breath. "Okay," he said softly.   
            "I'm sorry."  
            "I guess I'll see you around," Jared said.   
            Jensen heard the front door open and then close again. A few seconds later a very upset Josh walked back into the room.  
            Jensen shrugged. "It was a mistake getting involved with him."  
            "Why?"  
            "He doesn't need me in his life. I'm nothing but a waste of space."  
            "A waste of space? A few days ago you were trying to suck his life force out of his mouth and now you're not good enough for him?"  
            "I've never been good enough for him. I made a mistake by agreeing to go out with him and kissing him. He deserves better."  
            "He doesn't want better!" Josh shouted rising to his feet. "He wants you."  
            "You don't know that."  
            "You didn't see his face when I told him you didn't want to talk to him. He looked absolutely crushed. That boys got one hell of a sad puppy dog look."  
            "He'll thank me for it later."  
            Josh threw his arms up in the air. "Whatever," he mumbled stomping out of the room.  
            Jensen's phone chimed next to him and he looked down at it to see a text from Jared.  
 _I'm sorry for bothering. I won't do it again after this but I just wanted you to know that I really like you. I'll wait until you are ready for you to be ready._  
            Jensen stared at the message for a while thinking about responding to it. After ten minutes he closed to screen and hid his phone under a pillow so that he wouldn't think about it again.  
______________________________________________________________________________  
            To say that Jensen now regrets his actions from the other day is an understatement. Although his dreams are the same tortured ones as they were before sometimes they get mixed in with once of him with Jared. Sometimes they are sweet and innocent, them going on dates and cuddling on the couch while watching cheesy made for TV movies. Other times they are a lot more heated. With the supply knowledge of how Jared's lips feel when they are moving with his he has been able to come up with some graphic dreams. More than once he had woken up with an erection that he couldn't just ignore.  
            Since he is now sexually frustrated he is a lot snappier towards his brother and brother in law. The only person who seems safe to his over sensitive attitude is Jack. The little boy hasn't even really noticed that he is being a little meaner than usual.   
            "Maybe you should call him," Josh said one day after Jensen snapped at him.  
            "Maybe you should shut up," Jensen snapped.  
            Josh lifted his hands in front of his face as if he could battle the mean words. "I'm just saying that you've been pretty snappy lately."  
            Jensen sneered at his older brother. "No really, you should shut up."  
            "Fine."  
            Josh stomped out of the room. Seconds later Danny entered. He was looking over his shoulder to where Josh was stomping down the hall.  
            "What is that all about?"  
            "Can't any of you mind your own damn business?" Jensen growled.  
            "Are you serious?"  
            "Do I look like am I kidding?"  
            "Fine," Danny snapped. "I am taking Jack to the park. He doesn't need to around all of your negative bullshit."  
            Jensen watched Danny storm out if the room. He sat with his shoulders hunched over as he heard Danny stomping around until finally the front door was opened and slammed again.  
            Feeling suddenly extremely tired Jensen stood up from the table and made his way up the stairs. Without the help of anyone his usual quick trip up the stairs room him close to ten minutes. Once he was in his room he collapsed down onto his bed.   
            Sometime later he heard his phone go off. Scrambling around until he found his phone he picked it up and looked down at the screen.  
            "What?" He grunted when he answered.  
            "Danny and Jack are in the hospital," his brother said.  
            "What?" Jensen shrieked, bolting upright in bed. "What happened?"  
            "They were sideswiped on their way home. It other car ran a stop sign and hit the passenger side."  
            "Is Jack alright?"  
            Josh was silent for several second before a sob broke through the phone. "He's unconscious."  
            Jensen could feel the tears running down his face. His little boy was now injured because of him. If he hasn't snapped at Danny he wouldn't have taken Jack to the park.   
            "This is my fault," he whispered.  
            "What? No it's not."  
            "If I hadn't snapped at Danny earlier..."  
            "You can't blame yourself for this," Josh said. "The only person to blame is the guy who hit them."  
            "But..."  
            "No buts," Josh snapped. "This. Isn't. Your. Fault."  
            Jensen took several deep breaths so that he could settle his nerves. After his breathing was under control he asked his brother how Danny was.  
            "He's fine. Jack took the blunt of the hit."  
            "I wanna come to the hospital."  
            "Jensen..."  
            "Jack is my biological son Josh, I want to make sure he is okay."  
            "How are you going to get here? You can't drive and there is no way in hell that I am leaving."  
            "I'll call Jared."  
            "Really? After what you did to him?"  
            "I'll explain everything to him. He'll understand."  
            "And if he doesn't?"  
            "Then I'll call a cab or something."  
            "Why don't you just call the cab and leave Jared out of it?"  
            "Because I miss him, okay?"

            "Okay," he whispered. "Call me when you are on your way."

            Jensen hung up the phone and quickly dialed Jared. After a few rings the younger man picked up his phone.

            "Hi," Jared said quietly.

            "Hey," Jensen whispered.

            "What's up?"

            "I miss you," he told the younger man. "Like a lot."

            "Jensen..."

            "Jack and Danny were in a car crash and they are in the hospital."

            "Are they okay?"

            "Danny is but Jack is unconscious."

            "Do you need a ride to the hospital? I can be there in like ten minutes if you do."

            "You don't mind?"

            Jared sighed. "Like I said the other day Jensen, I really like you. So no I don't mind."

            "Really?"

            "Really."

            "Thank you Jared."

            "I'll see you in ten minutes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this was written while I was sitting in the Baltimore airport today. No matter how much I want for this to be a happy story I keep getting side tracked with hurt!Jensen. I'm just hoping I manage to get it to a happy place soon.


	9. One step foward

Jared didn't say anything to Jensen for the first couple of minutes they were in the car together. In fact Jared hadn't even spoken a word since he hung up the phone earlier. Jensen was mostly okay with that. Mostly.

            "I'm really sorry," he whispered after they had been sitting silently for ten minutes.

            Jared snuck a glance over at him. "Why?"

            "For the way I treated you."

            Jared shrugged. "I get it."

            "You do?"

            "We...I promised I wouldn't push you. You said you didn't want a relationship, that you weren't looking to date and I should have respected your wishes."

            "I..."

            Jared reached over and put his hand on Jensen's knee. "It's fine."

            "Are you sure?"

            "I want to be your friend Jensen. If I can't have anything else than I will be fine with just being your friend."

            "Why?"

            "Why do I want to be your friend?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "You really don't know how amazing you are, do you?"

            "I'm not amazing," Jensen mumbled.

            Jared pulled the car into the hospital parking lot and found the closest spot to the front. He turned the car off and turned to Jensen. "I beg to differ," he whispered moving closer.

            "Jared..."

            Jared sat back quickly just barely avoiding hitting his head. "Sorry, sorry. I know. I just..."

            Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared softly on the lips. Jared surged forward and kissed Jensen with more fire, more passion. Even though part of his brain wanted him to stop kissing Jared he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't deny that he wanted this.

            "We..." Jared mumbled placing quick kisses to Jensen's mouth.

            "We what?"

            Jared pulled back fully. "We need to get inside. You need to check on Jack and Danny."

            Jensen looked behind himself at the brick building. He nodded slowly. "Can I at least kiss you one last time before we go in?"

            Instead of answering Jared surged forward and kissed Jensen again. After kissed Jensen slowly for a few minutes he separated from him again. "Now we go in?"

            Jensen nodded. "Now we go in."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen hated hospitals. After everything that he has been through he has the right to hate them. But right now he hated them even more. Right now he was sitting at the bed side of his unconscious son, the son that didn't know that he was his son. The little boy looked impossibly pale against the white sheets on the bed. He had a large gash across his forehead and his left arm was in a cast.

            "This is my fault," he whispered. "I'm sorry I was so snappy. I'm sorry that..." Jensen's breath hitched as he cried.

            Jared placed his hand on Jensen knee and squeezed it softly. "This isn't your fault."

            Jensen looked over at Jared. "If I hadn't snapped at Danny they wouldn't have gone to the park."

            "You weren't the one driving that other car. This isn't your fault," he repeated.

            "But..."

            Jared moved closer and kissed Jensen on the lips. "Not. Your. Fault." He said with soft kisses in between each word.

            "He's right Jen," Danny said as he entered the room. "This isn't your fault."

            Jared flew out of his chair and moved as far away from Jensen as he could. Danny raised his eyebrows and looked between the two men.

            "Jared?" Jensen whispered.

            "That was incredibly rude of me. Your son is lying unconscious in  that bed and I am kissing Jensen right in front of him."

            Danny let out a laugh. "You were also helping get rid of Jensen's anxiety. Whatever you can do to stop that I am fine with."

            Jared looked back over at Jensen. He moved over quietly and sat back down in the chair. Reaching over he took Jensen's hand in his and lifted it so that he could kiss Jensen's knuckles.

            "Are we all in agreement that this isn't your fault?" Jared asked softly.

            Jensen looked back down at Jack then back up at Jared. "I just feel so damn guilty."

            "Why?"

            "I was moodier than usual because..." Jensen broke off and looked away.

            "Talk to me Jen."

            "I..."

            "He feels guilty because all of his moodiness could have been avoided if he had just gotten his head out of his ass and called you," Danny said.

            Jared frowned. "So this is my fault?"

            "How in the hell did you come up with that?" Jensen asked.

            "If I'd pushed a little harder..."

            "Then I would have stopped talking to you completely," Jensen told him. "You giving me space was the right choice. Me pushing you away wasn't."

            "Jensen over there is extremely sexually frustrated," Josh said as he entered the room. "But you'd be too if your wife left you and you were denying yourself the love of an attractive young man."

            "Shut up," Jensen hissed.

            "What part of what I just said is wrong?" Josh challenged.

            "Just...just shut up."

            Jared smirked at Jensen. Moving forward he kissed Jensen on the lips. "Well I think I can help with that sexual frustration," he whispered against Jensen's lips.

            "Not right here you are not," Josh joked.

            Jared straightened up and shot Josh a small smirk. "What have the doctors said about his condition?"

            "His body is dealing with the shock of his injuries so that is why he is out. He should be awake in the next few hours."

            "There were no internal injuries? No bleeding?"

            "Danny managed to turn the car enough that he didn't take the full impact of the other car. So the injuries that you see are the ones he sustained."

            Jensen sighed heavily and sat back in the car. "So he's going to be alright?"

            "He's gonna be stuck with that cast for a bit and probably have a scar but other than that he is going to be alright."

            "I should apologize to you," Danny whispered.

            "Why?"

            "I promised you when we took in Jack that I would always keep him safe."

            "You have kept him safe."

            "How can you say that when he is lying on a hospital bed? I should have been paying more attention. I should have seen that the car wasn't going to stop. This is all my fault."

            "Danny," Jensen whispered. He tried to stand up but failed. Seeming to sense his inability to stand on his own Jared stood up and helped Jensen to his feet. "Thank you."

            Jared smiled softly and placed a kiss to the side of Jensen's head. "No need to thank me."

            Jensen moved towards Danny and wrapped his arms around his crying brother in law. "This isn't your fault," he whispered into the taller mans neck. "And you have done a wonderful job of keeping Jack safe. You couldn't have known that person was going to blow through that stop sign."

            "I should have seen..."

            "Like Jerry should have seen the bomb?"

            Danny pulled back slightly from Jensen. "What?"

            "I was in an accident that no one saw coming. Should I be saying that Jerry should have seen the bomb before he ran over it?"

            "Of course not," Danny said appalled.

            "Then how is this your fault?"

            Danny ran a hand down his face. "You're really not mad at me for this?"

            Jensen shook his head.

            "Why not?"

            "You didn't know it was going to happen. You didn't plan on getting side swiped today. So I can't be mad at you."

            Josh walked up behind Danny and slipped his arms around his waist. "I told you he wouldn't be upset."

            Danny leaned back into Josh and smiled softly. "I guess you do know your brother better than I originally thought."

            Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and squeezed it gently. He placed a kiss to Jensen's head and made a move to exit the room.

            "Where are you going?" Jensen asked him not releasing his hand.

            Jared looked between the three men in the room. "This is family time."

            "I'd really prefer if you stayed," Jensen told him. "If it is okay with Josh and Danny that is."

            "If Jensen wants you here then that is okay with me," Josh said.

            "I'm fine with it too," Danny agreed.

            Jared looked between the men again.

            "Please Jay?" Jared's head snapped back to face Jensen. "I really need you here, man. Please don't leave."

            Jared squeezed Jensen's hand again. "I'll stay."

            "Thank you," Jensen whispered.

            Jared carefully pulled Jensen into his arms. "You're welcome," he whispered kissing him gently.

______________________________________________________________________________

            The next few hours were a blur. After they sat around for an hour Jack woke up. The little boy looked around confused then started crying when he registered the pain he felt. Danny and Josh rushed forward to pull their son into their arms and sooth him.

            "Now I feel like I am intruding," Jensen whispered.

            Jared smiled tiredly down at him. "You think they would mind if we left?"

            "Josh? Danny? You okay with us leaving?"

            Danny turned to Jensen. "You both look really tired. Now that he is awake we'll probably be able to leave soon. Why don't you get out of here?"

            Jensen nodded. "I'll see you three at home."

            Jared helped Jensen out of his chair then led him out of the hospital. They drove back to Jensen's house in silence. After pulling up to the curb outside the house Jared turned to him.

            "See you in a few days?"

            Jensen nodded. He moved to open the door but stopped. "You want to spend the night?"

            "What?"

            "No funny business, I promise. I just...Please?"

            Jared nodded. "Okay."

            Jared got of the car and moved around so that he could help Jensen out. Together they entered the house and walked up the stairs. Jared moved and sat on the edge of the bed as Jensen began getting ready for bed. When Jensen picked up one of his medications Jared moved over to him and took the bottle.

            "Are these giving you nightmares?" He asked as he read the label.

            Jensen shrugged. "I already have nightmares. They kind of make them worse."

            "How?"

            "They cause me to have lucid dreams."

            "But you need them to fall asleep right?"

            "Unfortunately," Jensen whispered.

            Jared passed the pill bottle back to Jensen. "Where did you want me to sleep?"

            Jensen frowned. "I thought you would want to share my bed. But if not then there is a guest room next door."

            Jared looked at the door then back at Jensen. "I'd like to stay here."

            Jensen dry swallowed his pills and slowly started to strip out of his clothes. Jared hadn't moved an inch since Jensen took his shirt off. When Jensen noticed he grabbed his shirt and started to pull it back on.

            "I can sleep in my clothes if the scars freak you out," he whispered.

            Jared took and moved closer to Jensen. Slowly he pulled the shirt over Jensen's head and threw it to the side. "They don't freak me out," he whispered raking his eyes up and down the older man's body. He raised his hand and ran it up and down the scars on Jensen's collarbone. "Your ex wife is crazy."

            Jensen pulled back and looked at Jared. "Why do you say that?"

            "Because she left you," he whispered kissing Jensen's scarred shoulder. "She must have been crazy to leave someone as beautiful as you."

            Jensen bared his neck so that Jared could have better access to kiss it. "Jared..."

            Jared moved back and looked at Jensen. "Do you want to stop?"

            Jensen shook his head.

            Laughing softly Jared moved forward again and buried his face into Jensen's neck again. He started at Jensen's neck then slowly moved down his chest until he was on his knees in front of Jensen.

            "Want me to stop now?" Jared asked.

            Jensen buried his hands in Jared's hair and pulled it softly. "No," he breathed.

            Working quickly Jared unbuttoned Jensen's pants and started pulling them down his thigh. He looked up at Jensen through hooded eyes. "How about now?"

            Jensen whined in the back of his throat. Unable to speak his shook his head violently.

            Jared smiled and pulled Jensen's boxers down so that they joined his pants. "Do you want to sit down?"

            Jensen opened his eyes, which he hadn't even realized he had closed, and looked down at Jared. He tested the strength of his leg by putting weight on it.

            "I should probably sit down."

            Jared nodded and stood. He helped Jensen sit down onto the bed then sunk back down onto his knees in front of him. Leaning forward he kissed the inside of Jensen's thigh. When he felt the older man still he kissed it again.

            "Relax," he whispered. "I've got you."

            Jensen nodded. "Just...just gave me a minute."

            Jared nodded against Jensen's thigh. He raised his head and placed his hand on his thigh and rubbed up and down it softly. "We can stop if you want."

            "I...Okay."

            Jared stood up and moved over to grab Jensen's boxers and helped him into them. Jensen swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled the covers over his legs.

            "You still want me to stay?"

            "Of course," Jensen whispered.

            Jensen closed to eyes so that he couldn't watch Jared strip out of his clothes. Right now he was mentally kicking himself for stopping Jared. He wanted to be with Jensen. He'd never wanted anything as much as he wanted to be with Jared. It was almost painful to even think about.

            "You okay?" Jared asked as he settled into bed behind Jensen.

            Jensen nodded. "I'm fine."

            "You sure?"

            Jensen turned a bit and grabbed Jared's arm. He pulled it around himself. "I'm sure. I just feel stupid."

            "Why?" Jared asked into the back of his neck.

            Jensen felt a shiver run down his spin. "Cause I really want to have sex with you."

            "But?"

            "But...I'm not ready yet. I'd don't know if I can physically can do it. Not to mention mentally..."

            "Okay," Jared whispered. "We can wait. I can wait. I told you I am willing to go slow."

            Jensen turned in Jared's arms and buried his head in his chest. "You really don't mind waiting?"

            Jared kissed Jensen's forehead. "I'm in no hurry," he whispered.

            Several minutes later Jensen slipped into the first night sleep without nightmares since his accident.         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't that long considering I haven't posted in three days and I'm sorry for that. I've recently (as of Tuesday actually) moved to Florida so everything has been hectic. I promise that I will post more often. Like once a day that way I can put out longer chapters. =)


	10. Little bit of sexy time

Jensen woke up the next morning to the feeling of warmth behind him. For a split second his tired mind didn't register what was going on so he kicked out. When he heard the resulting 'oof' his mind caught on to the fact that he just kicked Jared.

            "Sorry," he muttered turning around.

            Jared looked down at him through his hair. "It's cool," he mumbled laying back down.

            "It's just you scared me."       

            "I scared you?"

            "Not used to waking up with someone in bed with me. It's been a while."

            Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him closer. "I'd love to be able to rectify that," he whispered against his neck.

            "You wanna sleep in my bed?"

            "All the time," Jared said flipping Jensen so that he was on his back with him over him. "In fact I would love to never leave this bed."

            "Jared..."

            Jared sighed and rolled off of Jensen. "I know, I know. Sorry."

            "Jared," Jensen whined.

            "What?"

            "Come back here."

            Jared smiled and moved back on top Jensen. "You're okay with this?"

            "Just kiss me, okay?"

            "Okay."

            Jared leaned down and captured Jensen's lips. He kissed him slowly, slipping his tongue into Jensen's mouth after his silent plea for entrance was granted. His lips moved to Jensen's neck where sucked small hickey's into it.

            "Jay," Jensen moaned.

            "I've got you," Jared whispered into his neck. "Just tell me when you want to stop."

            "Don't stop," Jensen whispered.

            Jared chuckled as he moved further down. He kissed down Jensen's chest and stomach but stopped when he got to the waist band of his boxers. He looked up and locked eyes with Jensen. "Jen?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Are you sure?"

            "Yes," Jensen hissed.

            Slowly Jared started to pull Jensen's boxers down until they were to his knee. "Are you sure?"

            "If you ask me one more time I'll kick you out and do it myself," he snapped.

            "Wouldn't want you to have to do that," Jared whispered. He bent down and took Jensen into his mouth.

            "Shit," Jensen mumbled.

            Jared hummed against his length and took more of Jensen into his mouth. Once he got as much down his throat as he could he placed his hand at the base and slowly moved it up and down. When his hand was going down Jared moved his mouth up. He set up a slow rhythm until Jensen was on the edge of his orgasm.

            "Jay...Jay I'm gonna...Jay."

            Jared hummed again which caused Jensen to come down his throat. He stroked Jensen through his orgasm then slowly pulled off.

            "You okay?" He asked.

            Jensen nodded unable to speak.

            Jared chuckled softly. Moving up the bed he laid down and pulled Jensen back into his arms.

            "Go back to sleep," he whispered against Jensen's neck.

            Jensen hummed then slipped once again into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some plot coming up so I thought I'd put this little filler sexy time in before I do that. There probably won't be any more smut for a little while. Sorry.


	11. Not a problem

The next time Jensen woke up it was to the smell of food cooking. Hoping to get a little more sleep he moved back to where Jared had been lying but no one was there. He turned to find the other side of his bed empty. Sighing, he pulled on his boxers and some other clothes and head out of his room. He was about to head into the kitchen when he heard Jared speaking.

            "Have you talked to him about his medication?" He asked whomever else was in the room.

            "You mean his sleeping pills?" Josh asked.

            "Yeah."

            "We've discussed it several times."

            "Is he having any side effects besides lucid dreaming?"

            "Sometimes I can't wake him up from his nightmares. It'll take me a really long time to shake him out of them."

            Jensen could hear Jared sigh heavily. "So basically the pills help him sleep but they keep him asleep in matter what?"

            "Basically."

            "How is expecting to get better like that?"

            "I don't know. But I didn't hear any screams coming from his room last night so I am guessing he didn't have any nightmares."

            "He was out like a baby. He did kick me pretty hard this morning though."

            "He kicked you?"

            "Me being in the bed freaked him out apparently."

            "He hasn't shared a bed with anyone since leaving for basics. When he came back Lydia broke it off almost immediately."

            "Was even out of the hospital before she left him."

            "Nope."

            "Bitch."

            "My thoughts exactly," Josh told him.

            Jensen cleared his throat and entered the room. "Afternoon," he said to the two men.

            Jared smiled and came to stand next to Jensen. "Hey," he whispered. "How'd you sleep?"

            "Really well. How long have you been up?"

            Jared shrugged. "An hour? I didn't want to wake you so I came down and started making lunch with Josh."

            Josh stirred the pot that was on the stove, his eyes roaming up and down his brother. When his eyes made it to Jensen's neck he made a chocking noise and dropped the spoon in his hand.

            "You alright?" Jared asked, turning back to Josh.

            "Are those...hickey's?"

            Jensen brought his hand up to his neck. "Um..." he mumbled.

            Jared let out an awkward laugh. "Well we..."

            "Did you two have sex?"

            "No!" Jared and Jensen yelled at the same time.

            "But you did something?"

            "Is this really any of your business?" Jensen mumbled.

            "I'm just confused."

            "We didn't have sex," Jared told him. "We're taking everything slow."

            "Jared," Jensen snapped.

            "What?"

            "He doesn't need to know what we do or don't do in bed."

            "I'm just curious because I remember what your doctor said," Josh said as he went back to stirring the pot.

            "What did your doctor say?" Jared asked turning back to Jensen.

            "That I might not be able to...um...I might not be able..."

            "To get an erection," Josh said cutting his brother off. "For God sake's Jen you are an adult."

            "Didn't see a lack of one this morning," Jared mumbled.

            "Jared," Jensen snapped hitting him lightly in the stomach.

            Jared laughed and pulled Jensen into his arms. "Sorry," he whispered before kissing Jensen softly on the lips.

            "So everything is good with the manhood?" Josh asked.

            Jensen snapped his head around so that he could look at his older brother. "I am not discussing that with you."

            "I'm a doctor, Jen. Just think of it as clinical."

            "Everything is fine," Jared told him.

            Jensen groaned And buried his head in Jared's chest. "I really wish you two would stop talking about my penis."  
            "Why are you discussing Jensen's penis?" Danny asked as he entered the room.  
            "The doctors worry about it not being one hundred percent functional is for not. It's working."  
            Danny turned to Jared and Jensen with a raised brow. "And how did we find this out?"  
            Josh gestured to Jensen's neck. "But they didn't have sex."  
            Jensen tried to burrow further into Jared. "Will you please stop?"  
            "We're just happy to hear that you aren't physically impaired," Danny said.  
            "That doesn't mean we have to discuss my junk or sex life."  
            Jared kissed Jensen on the temple softly. "I think it's nice."  
            "What? Their fascination with my penis?"  
            "No, their concern for you."  
            Jensen frowned up at Jared. "When you put it that way I sound like the unreasonable one."  
            "You're not being unreasonable," Jared told him.  
            "Look, they're having a moment," Josh said.  
            "They're so cute together."  
            "Shut up," Jensen snapped.  
            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the lips. When he pulled back he kept his face close. "You were so sexy this morning," he whispered. "I didn't get a chance to tell you that before you fell asleep."  
            "I was sexy? I haven't been with many people in my life but I am pretty sure that was the best blow job ever."  
            "Oh," Danny gasped. Jared and Jensen separated to look to the door. Standing in the doorway was Jack. "Honey what are you doing up?"  
            Jack looked around at everyone in the room. "I couldn't sleep. My arm hurts too much."  
            "They didn't give him anything for the pain?" Jensen asked.  
            Josh shook his head. "They said he would be okay with just some baby aspirin."  
            Jack looked up and Jensen. After a few seconds he rushed forward and latched onto his leg. He whimpered softly. "It hurts."  
            Jensen broke away from Jared a bit and ruffled Jacks hair. "I know buddy. I have to deal with the pain in my leg all the time. We can fight the pain together."  
            "Really?" Jack whispered.  
            "Yeah. Whenever your arm hurts you can come cuddle with me. Okay?"  
            Jack nodded against Jensen's leg.

            "Why don't we get go you back into bed?" Danny asked walking over to grab Jack's hand and lead him out of the room.

            "You're so good with him," Jared whispered.

            "He's a great kid."

            "You ever think about having other kids?"

            Jensen looked up at Jared and shrugged. "I guess so," he muttered looking away again.

            Jared pulled Jensen tighter against him. "I bet you are beautiful when you were carrying Jack."

            Jensen snorted. "I was fat."

            "You want to see a picture?" Josh asked from where he stood by the stove.

            "You still have pictures?" Jensen gaped.

            "Of course. I have a picture of every stage of Jensen's pregnancy."

            "Can I see them?" Jared asked excitedly.

            "Really? You wanna see how fat I was?"

            "I want to see how beautiful you were."

            "God you're sappy," Jensen commented.

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the cheek. He turned to face Josh. "Can I see them?"

            Josh turned the stove off and moved the pot onto the back burner. "Follow me."

            Jared kissed Jensen on the forehead, released him, then followed Josh out of the room. Unable to process what was happening Jensen remained in the bathroom for several minutes. There was a knot in his stomach that he couldn't explain. After several breaths he made his way into the living room.

            The room was silent when he entered. Josh and Jared were on the ground together pouring over a photo album. They flipped through it slowly with Josh wordlessly pointing out certain pictures to the younger man. When they got to the end Jared looked over at Jensen with a faint smile.

            "You were beautiful," he whispered.

            Jensen rolled his eyes. "I was fat."

            "This," Jared said flipping to a certain picture in the book, "is the prettiest person I have ever seen."

            Jensen moved forward so that he could lean forward and see the picture. The top of the page said that it was during his fifth month of pregnancy. He was shirtless, turned to the side, showing off the medium size bump. Underneath the picture said 'first day feeling baby kick'. Jensen remembered it as a different day.

            "This is the day Josh and Danny agreed to take Jack," he whispered.

            Josh nodded. "We felt him kick and fell in love with him instantly."

            Jared scooted forward and wrapped his arms around Jensen's waist, burying his head in the older man's stomach. "Thank you for allowing me to see them."

            "You didn't give me much of a choice," Jensen mumbled running his hand through Jared's long hair.

            "Thank you regardless."

            "You're welcome."

            Josh clapped his hands and stood up. "You guys ready for some lunch?"

            Jensen was about to say that he wasn't hungry when he heard his stomach grumble. Jared, who's head was still buried in Jensen's stomach, heard it and laughed.

            "Jen's ready for some lunch."

            "I'm not gonna be eating anything if you don't release yourself from my middle," Jensen mumbled.

            "Sorry," Jared said as he stood up. He leaned forward and kissed Jensen on the forehead. "Come on let's go eat some food."

            After lunch Jensen found himself cuddling on the couch with Jared. They had been sitting quietly together for almost an hour when a tired looking Jack wandered into the room.

            "Uncle Jen?"

            "Yeah buddy?"

            "Can I come cuddle with you two?"

            Jensen looked back at Jared who smiled warmly and nodded. "Sure," he said. He opened his arms and waited for the little boy to slowly crawl up and situate himself. "This okay?"

            Jack nodded and nestled closer to Jensen.

            Jared kissed Jensen on the temple. "He looks so much like you," he whispered softly so that Jack couldn't hear him.

            Jensen nodded.

            They sat quietly until Jack's breathing evened out signaling that he was asleep.

            "I'm afraid that one day he'll ask who his brother mom is," he whispered.

            "You don't want him knowing you gave birth to him?"

            Jensen shrugged. "How do you break that news to someone? How do you tell someone that the man you thought was your uncle is actually your biological dad?"

            Jared hummed softly. "You'll figure out when the time comes."

            "If the time comes."

            "You don't think he'll ever ask?"

            "He might. Or he might assume that he is like his little brother and sister and never question it."

            "He looks so much like you though. One day he might just make the connection."

            Jensen shook his head. "He looks enough like his other father that he probably won't question it too much."

            "Is that what you are hoping for?"

            Jensen nodded. "I don't want him to hate me. I don't want him to think I didn't love him enough to keep him."

            "You would have been a great father to him."

            "It was never a question of if I would be a great parent or not. I was scared. I wasn't ready. But Josh and Danny were. He is their little miracle baby."

            Jared tightened his arms around Jensen. "Sh," he whispered when he felt the tears that dripped onto his arms. "You're okay. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want."

            "I didn't even know I could get pregnant," Jensen sobbed. "And if I did..."

            "Then Jack wouldn't be here," Jared finished for him.

            Jensen nodded. "When I first found out I was pregnant I wanted to get rid of him. It made me feel like less of a man for being able to have him."

            Jared wiped the tears away. "What changed your mind?"

            "Natural child birth," Jensen mumbled.

            Jared laughed. "Was it really that bad?"

            "It is the most painful thing I have ever been through. Being blown up didn't even hurt as much as having Jack did."

            "No drugs?"

            "No drugs."

            "Wow," Jared mumbled. "I could never imagine going through that."

            "When Lydia found out that I could get pregnant she wanted me to go to the sperm bank and get inseminated. She said she wanted to have kids but she never wanted to have them herself. I suggested adoption and she said she didn't like the idea of it. After a while she thought that the perfect answer was taking Jack away from Danny and Josh."

            "She wanted you to take him back?"

            Jensen nodded. "It was an argument that we had a lot. We broke up several times because of it."

            "She really was a bitch, huh?"

            "Sometimes when I think back on our relationship I can't figure out what I was thinking. I was almost always unsatisfied during sex."

            "Why's that?"

            "I'm a bottom," Jensen mumbled softly.

            "What?"

            "I'm a bottom," he said a little louder. "She always managed to get me off but I never really enjoyed it. I probably wouldn't have been able to get her pregnant if she ever wanted me to. I rarely came inside her."

            "Why did you marry her?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I thought I was in love with her. I've always been attracted to females but I think I just enjoy the beauty of the female form more than anything."

            Jared curled around Jensen tighter. "I love the idea of you withering underneath me," he whispered.

            "Jared..."

            "Just the thought of me buried deep inside of you..."

            "There is a small child on this couch with us," Jensen reminded him. "I don't think giving me a boner right now is the greatest idea."

            Jared laughed softly. "I'll stop then."

            "Thank you."

            "You going to take a nap now?"

            "You made me cry," Jensen mumbled. "Damn right I am going to take a nap."

            Jared kissed Jensen's temple. "I'll be here when you wake up."

            "You better be," Jensen warned.

            "And if I am not?"

            "Then you'll never know what it is like to be inside me."

            Jared made a soft whining noise and buried his face in Jensen's hair. "That is the scariest threat ever."

            "Then I guess you shouldn't get up anytime soon."

            "I won't move until you tell me too."

            "Good."

            Jensen shut his eyes and fell asleep moments later with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of your encouragement on this fic. Like I said I love this one and even though sometimes I get discouraged that people don't like it your nice comments motivate me to keep writing. At this moment I plan on writing and finishing it. It might get long because there are so many issues I want to touch upon but I will try not to drag it out.


	12. Never want this feeling to go away.

Light shaking woke Jensen from his nap. He looked around until he found the source of the shaking. Jared was leaning over him with a concerned look on his face. When he saw that he had successfully woken Jensen up he let out a long breath and kissed him softly.

            "Was I having a nightmare?" Jensen asked him.

            Jared nodded.

            "How bad was it?"

            Jared moved to lay back down behind Jensen. "Not that bad. Just some muttering and tossing."

            "How long did you have to shake me for?"

            "Only a few seconds. You woke up almost immediately."

            Jensen sighed. "That's good."

            Jared shifted a bit. "Have you thought about cutting back on your pills?"

            "Why would I do that?"

            "Your nightmares seem more manageable when I am around. Maybe the nights that I spend with you, you cannot take them."

            "You just told me I had a nightmare a few minutes ago. How does that make any sense?"

            "But you didn't have one last night. Or this morning after you went back to sleep. And this one didn't seem that bad."

            Jensen sat up and swung his leg over the side of the couch. "Jared..."

            Jared moved so that he could settle behind Jensen. "It was forward and I am sorry. It's just the stories Josh told me earlier freaked me out."

            Jensen leaned back against Jared. "We don't know where this is going. We don't know if we are going to be together for a while or if we are going to fall apart because of how messed up I am. I don't want to stop taking them just in case."

            "You don't see this going somewhere?" Jared asked.

            Jensen shrugged.

            Jared tensed up. Carefully he detached Jensen from him and stood up. "I think I should get going," he whispered.

            "Jared?"

            "I'll call you in a few days," Jared called over his shoulder as he left.

            Jensen sat staring at the spot Jared just disappeared from for a long time. When Josh walked into the room he jumped.

            "Where's Jared?" Josh asked.

            "I think he just broke up with me," he whispered.

            "What?"

            "He asked me to cut back on my sleeping pills because I sleep better when he is in bed with me and I told him I didn't want to because I didn't know where our relationship was going. Then he got up and left."

            Josh sighed and sat down next to Jensen. "You hurt his feelings."

            "But...I just told him the truth."

            "The kid likes you Jen. Like a lot. How would you feel if someone you liked told you that they didn't see a future with you?"

            "I have had someone I like tell me they didn't see a future with me," Jensen mumbled. "In fact those are the exact words Lydia used when she decided we need to get a divorce."

            "Then why did you say the same thing to him?"

            "I...I don't know."

            "Do you like him?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Then why do you keep pushing him away?"

            "It's easier."

            "For who?"

            And that was the question, wasn't it? Who was benefiting from Jensen pushing Jared away?  The last time he did it Jensen ended up snapping at everyone around him. This was a lose, lose situation and he was making it worse on him every time he tried to end it.

            "I'm an idiot," he whispered.

            "You need to call him and apologize. We both know you see a future with him."

            "Is that wrong to see a future with him? We've barely knew each other for a month and I just always want to be around him. He makes me feel safe."

            Josh shrugged. "He's a good guy. I feel safe with him being with you."

            Jensen stared straight ahead of him not talking for several minutes. Once he had his thoughts together he turned to Josh. "What if he decides he doesn't want to deal with me anymore?"

            "I doubt he will." He patted Jensen on the knee and stood up. "Give him a day or two to get his thoughts together. Then call him and apologize."

            Jensen nodded. "Yeah I'll do that."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen had expected to not hear from Jared for at least a week. That is why he was so shocked when the younger man called him early the next day.

            "I'm sorry," Jared said when Jensen picked up the phone.

            "Why are you sorry?"

            "I left so quickly yesterday. I should have talked it out with you."

            "I'm sorry for what I said. I see you future with you Jared."

            "You do?"

            "You make me happy. You make me feel safe. I don't think I even believed anything I said last night."

            "Then why did you say it?"

            "I don't know."

            "I think I know," Jared told him. "You're scared. And I understand that. And I am okay with that. I really, really don't mind giving you space if you need it."

            "I don't want space. I want you."

            "Are you sure? Because I can only take so much."

            "I'm sure. I can't promise that I will always be one hundred percent stable all the time but I can promise I will try."

            "Okay."          

            "Can I see you today?"

            "I've got work all day. But I might be able to come and see you tonight."

            "I'd like that."

            "See you tonight?"

            "Yes," Jensen confirmed.

            "Good. I've got to go. See you tonight, Jen."

            "Bye, Jay."

            Jensen hung up the phone and laid back down on the bed. This feeling, the feeling of pure happiness, is one that he hopes will never go away. The idea of being with Jared doesn't make him feel scared anymore. The idea of letting him in doesn't cause him to freak out. He just hopes that this feeling never goes away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short but I am almost positive that I will have a longer one up later in the day.   
> Thanks again for all of the kudos and comments. I am glad you guys are enjoying this fic.


	13. DTR

Jared showed up later that night with ice cream. When Jack saw it his eyes lit up.  
            "Can I have some?" He asked all four men in the room.  
            "I bought it just for you," Jared admitted, passing the ice cream to Jack.

            The little boy took the container in his hands. "This is all for me?"

            "It is all for you," Jared confirmed.

            Jack looked up at his two fathers. "Is it okay if I eat some?"

            "Let's get it into a bowl first," Danny said. He took Jack's hand into his and led the little boy into the kitchen.

            "You didn't have to do that," Jensen said as he walked over to stand next to Jared.

            Jared pulled Jensen into his arms and kissed him on the lips. "I thought the little boy could use a treat after everything he has been through."

            "Thank you," Josh whispered, placing a hand on Jared's shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.

            "No problem."

            Josh turned to Jensen and gave him a smile. "He's a good one Jen."

            Jensen looked up at Jared. "I agree."

            Josh gave the two younger man a smile then left the room to join his family in the kitchen. Once his brother was out of the room Jensen stood craned his neck up as much as he could and kissed Jared on the lips. They kissed lazily for several minutes before Jared drew back, placing his forehead against Jensen's.

            "I really want to talk about yesterday," he whispered.

            "Do we have to?"

            Jared nodded.

            Jensen sighed. "Okay fine," he muttered. He stepped out of Jared's arms, grabbed his hand and started leading him towards the stairs.

            "Where are we going?"

            "Upstairs to my room. If we are going to define this relationship I want to do it somewhere comfortable."

            Jared chuckled and followed Jensen up the stairs. They entered the room and took their time getting ready for bed. Once they were both laying down in bed, Jared spooned behind Jensen, Jared broke the silence.

            "I want to be with you," he whispered into the silent room.

            "I think we have established that," Jensen deadpanned.

            Jared grunted. "If you're not gonna take this seriously I can leave."

            "Sorry," Jensen mumbled. "Continue."

            "I want to be in a relationship with you."

            "Really?"

            Jared tilted Jensen's head back and kissed his lips. "Really."

            "I could end up holding you back," Jensen told him. "One broken condom or shitting night and you can either end up with a pregnant boyfriend or a cationic one."

            "That really doesn't scare me. You getting pregnant wouldn't be the end of the world for me. And I've been around someone like you before so I can deal."

            "Your dad was like me?"

            Jared nodded against Jensen's neck. "He wasn't all the stable for a while. One false move and he would lose it. One time he heard a car back fire and we found him in the attic with a gun waiting to shoot anyone who he thought was a threat. And there were the flashbacks..."

            "Flash backs?"

            "Sometimes he'd space out and get sucked into a flashback. It was the scariest shit I have ever seen. He'd start screaming and yelling, calling out to people who weren't actually there."

            "And I thought I had it bad."

            Jared kissed Jensen's neck. "For you it is bad. My dad had a different type of bad and any other man has or had his type of bad. The important thing is that you are working through it."

            Jensen nodded and settled deeper into Jared's arms. "I want everything you want."

            "Yeah?"

            "I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about being with you. Just a few weeks ago I told my brother that I didn't see myself living much longer but now that you are in my life I see a future. And I like seeing a future."

            "What do you see in your future?"

            "Me having children," Jensen whispered.

            "You wanna have kids with me?"

            "When you're ready," Jensen rushed. "And not until. I could wait until you were done with school and through internships and such. Like I said I'd hate for you to have to put your life on hold."

            "And what if I didn't want to wait until I was done with school?"

            "You...you wanna...have kids?"

            Jared nodded. "But I'll wait until you are ready."

            "I don't know if I can even carry to term," Jensen admitted. "I don't even know if a doctor would let me get pregnant."

            "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? One step at a time. Baby steps if need be."

            "Baby steps," Jensen breathed.

            "Not to mention we've only really been officially dating for a couple of minutes."

            Jensen laughed. "At least we've gotten this far without me freaking out."

            Jared tightened his arms again. "I can roll with whatever you throw at me. Go ahead and dump me as many time as you want. I'll wait it out and come right back to you."

            "Promise?"

            "I promise."

            Jensen turned in Jared's arms so that he could face him. After staring at the younger man for several minutes he kissed him softly on the lips. Jared smiled into the kiss and deepened it a bit. They kissed softly for a while until Jared drew back from Jensen.

            "Do you need to take your pills before we go to bed?"

            Jensen buried his head in Jared's chest and shook his head. "I am going to try falling asleep without them."

            "You're taking my advice?"

            "I want to believe that you help quell the nightmares. If it doesn't work I'll go back to taking them or request something lighter. I freaks me out that I can't wake up from nightmares sometimes."

            Jared kissed him softly on the forehead. "I'll be here if you have a nightmare."

            Jensen nodded. "They get pretty bad sometimes," he told Jared.

            "I can handle them."

            "You sure?"

            "I guess we will find out if it happens."

            "It's more of a when then it is an if."

            "We'll see."

            "Stop being so optimistic."

            Jared laughed softly. "Go to sleep, Jen."

            Jensen turned in Jared's arms again and shifted around until he was completely comfortable. The two of them settled into a comfortable silence until Jensen could hear that Jared was asleep. Unable to succumb himself he turned around in Jared's arms and got himself as close to the other man as he possibly could. Wrapped in Jared's arms, his head resting on his chest, Jensen finally managed to fall asleep.

______________________________________________________________________________

            Dr. Franks looked at Jensen with a knowing look. The two men had been staring at each other not speaking for almost ten minutes now. Jensen had told him everything that he felt the man needed to know, refusing to mention Jared and their relationship.

            "You're hiding something from me," the doctor stated.

            "Why would you say that?"

            "You're skirted around a topic all session so far. Are you going to tell me what it is?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I don't think it is important."

            "Everything is important. Like why after seven months are you able to sleep through the night nightmare free? What has changed in your life?"

            Jensen stared at the older man for a few minutes. One of the first things Jensen had done when the session had started was ask the doctor if it was alright if he could cut back on his sleeping medication. After all the routine health questions the doctor had merely shrugged and told him it was up to him.

            "I have someone new in my life."

            The doctor raised his eyebrows. "You've met someone?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Dr. Franks turned to a fresh page in his notebook and settled deeper into his chair. "How is it going so far?"

            "Slowly."

            "Is this on purpose?"

            "Yes and no. Some days I want nothing more than to be with him. Other days I feel inadequate and try to push him away. But he always comes back to me."

            "How long have you known him?"

            "A month? Maybe a little bit more. He makes me feel safe. He makes me see a future."

            Dr. Franks raised one of his eyebrows again. "And he helps relieve your nightmares?"

            Jensen nodded. "I still have them every now and then but mostly they are gone. The ones I do have aren't as drastic and bad as they were before. But they return when he is not around."

            The doctor wrote something down. "Do you feel dependent on him?"

            Jensen shook his head. "He just makes me happy. I enjoy having him around but I know how to deal with him not being there."

            "Is he military?"

            "Army brat who is becoming a doctor. His father suffered him PTSD. He is really good at helping me."

            Dr. Franks hummed. "He sounds like he is good for your recovery. How does your brother feel about him?"

            "He likes him. He trust him."

            Dr. Franks nodded. "And Jack?"

            "He knows about him. He understands the situation and he has no intention in causing issue there. As far as he is concerned Jack is Josh's and Danny's and if he wants kids he want them to be ours."

            "You two have already discussed having children together?"

            "I know it seems rushed but it is a topic that I feel I needed to discuss with him. He's younger and I want to make sure he understood what being with me might entail."

            "So you've covered all the bases with him?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Dr. Franks wrote something else down then took a quick glance up at the clock. "Well it looks like our time is up."

            Jensen sighed and heaved himself off the couch. "See you in a few days," he said over his shoulder as he left the room.

            When he entered the waiting room he saw Jared sitting in the corner playing on his phone. He walked up to the younger man, touching him lightly on the shoulder causing him to jump. After recovering from his scare he gave Jensen a beaming smile, dimples on full display.

            "What are you doing here?" He asked him.

            Jared stood and took Jensen's hand. "Josh told me you were here. I want to surprise you and take you out to lunch."

            "Don't you have work? Or school?"

            Jared shook him head. "Switched shifts and had an early morning class. I really want to spend the day with you."

            "Why that?"

            "I am going to be getting really busy in the coming days with finals coming up and such. I might not be able to see you as much as I'd like so I want to take the opportunity now."

            Jensen shook him head and led Jared out of the building in silence. Once they were outside in the parking lot he pushed the younger man against his car and kissed him soundly.

            "What was that for?"

            "Your gonna be busy soon so I want to take every opportunity that I can to kiss you."

            Jared smiled again. He placed his hands on either side of Jensen's face and kissed him passionately. "I like the sound of that," he whispered against Jensen's lips.

            "Good," Jensen whispered. He kissed Jared again softly. "Now let's get some lunch."

            Laughing softly to himself Jared unlocked the car and helped Jensen into it. After he made sure Jensen was comfortable he got in himself and drove to the diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a time jump in the next chapter. And sex. Lots and lots of sex.


	14. Need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex. Lot's of sex.

Jensen sighed and took a peek at his cell phone. It had been almost a month since the last time he had physically seen Jared and he was really starting to miss the younger man. He woke up with an ache to be him and went to bed with the same feeling. He was sadly back on his sleeping pills every night because without the hard press of Jared behind him his nightmares have come back with a vengeance.

             They hadn't planned on staying away from each other that long but after Jared finished his finals Jensen had to go into writing induced hibernation in order to finish the chapters his agent wanted him to finish. They almost had an opportunity to see each other about two weeks ago when Jared got a call from his family telling him that his older brother Jeff had surprised the family by coming home from his tour early. Jared had asked Jensen to go with him but after a severe panic attack fueled by his inadequacies Jensen had to stay home. The most communication they had had with each other was over the phone and that just wasn't enough for Jensen.

            Jensen had been sleeping fitfully when he got the text from Jared saying he was on his way back into town. After a long discussion they decided that it would be best for Jared to come straight to Jensen's house. Now Jensen was sitting in his living room waiting for Jared to show up. His whole body was thumping with energy and he was just barely able to get him bad leg to stop bouncing up and down.  

            When the doorbell rang Jensen jumped up so fast that he had to take a moment with the pain that was coursing through his body. By the time he had recovered Jared was standing next to him gripping his arm tightly.

            "You okay?" He asked.

            Jensen nodded. "Got up too quickly."

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the temple. "You alright now?"

            "I'm good."

            "You sure?"

            "Yes Jared, I am sure."

            "Good," Jared said and kissed Jensen on the lips. "I have really missed you."

            "I've missed you too," Jensen whispered as he threw his arms around Jared's neck.

            Laughing softly Jared bent his head down and captured Jensen's lips with his again. He carefully pulled Jensen as close to him as he could and deepened the kiss even more. When he asked for permission Jensen opened his mouth so that Jared could lick his way into the other mans mouth. After that the kiss turned filthy, all tongue and moaning.

            Jensen pulled back a bit so that he could breath. "Damn," he muttered against Jared's lips.

            "I really, really missed you," Jared whispered before surging forward and kissing Jensen again.

            "Jared..."

            Jared pulled back and stepped back a few steps. "Sorry, sorry. I just..."

            "Why the hell are you all the way over there?" Jensen asked as he strolled forward and kissed Jared again.

            "Jensen if you don't stop kissing me sometime soon I won't be able to stop myself."

            "Good," Jensen mumbled.

            "Really? You're okay with this? With us..."

            "I have been dreaming about it. Now shut up and kiss me."

             Jared surged forward and started kissing Jensen again. Slowly they made their way up the stairs and into Jensen's bed room. Once there Jared helped Jensen onto the bed.

            "You tell me to stop whenever you feel uncomfortable," Jared told him.

            Jensen nodded. He pulled his shirt over his head leaving him naked from the waist up. Jared sat staring at him, drinking in the expansion of naked skin that was still tan from his tour. He groaned and dipped his head down so that he could suck a bruise into Jensen's neck.

            "You're so pretty."

            He moved further down his body and stopped when he reached Jensen's nipples. Taking the small mound into his mouth he ran his tongue over it bringing it to hardness. A filthy moan escaped Jensen's mouth and he bit down on his lip to keep others in.

  
            "Don't you dare," Jared whispered moving back up Jensen's body so that he could kiss his lips. "I want to hear every noise you make."

  
            Jensen nodded unable to speak.

  
            Jared smiled brightly and moved back down Jensen's body. This time he paid some attention to Jensen's other nipple while rolling its twin between his pointer finger and thumb. Moans were now freely escaping from Jensen's mouth and he was unable to keep them even if he wanted.

  
            "Jared," Jensen whined bucking his hips up looking for some relief.

  
            Jared looked up at Jensen through his hair. "What do you need?"

  
            Jensen whined again and withered a bit.

  
            "It's okay," Jared whispered moving further down Jensen's body. He stopped when he got to the top of Jensen's jeans. "Do you want to keep going?"  
            "Please," Jensen whined. "Don't stop."

  
            Jared chuckled softly and slowly undid Jensen's jeans. Carefully he pulled the jeans down with his boxers and threw them off the bed. Turning back he kissed up Jensen's scarred thigh until he got to the top.

  
            "Are you still okay?" He whispered against the inside of his thigh.

  
            Jensen nodded his head frantically.

  
            "I've got you," he whispered.

  
            Jared moved up a bit and licked the tip of Jensen's penis, gathering the precum on his tongue before swallowing it loudly. He locked his eyes with Jensen's before he sank all the way down.

  
            "Shit," Jensen panted, trying to keep his hips from snapping up.

  
            Jared placed a hand on Jensen's hip to keep him from choking him. Once Jensen was settled a bit he moved up his shaft, dragging his tongue along the vein on the underside. He hollowed out his cheeks and moved back down slowly. The pace he set up was lazy, drawing out the process.

  
            Jared ran his hand up and down the inside of Jensen's thigh leaving goosebumps behind. Shifting a bit he moved his hand to between Jensen's ass cheeks and circled his hole teasingly. When he felt Jensen stiffen he pulled off and looked up at the older man.

  
            "Are you okay?"

  
            Jensen nodded and motioned towards the bedside table. Lifting a brow Jared scrambled off the bed and moved to look inside the bedside table. He sucked in breath as he slowly withdrew the condoms and lube from the drawer.

  
            "You really had this all planned out, huh?" He asked.

  
            Jensen nodded. "Really want you," he whispered.

  
            Jared sucked in another breath and placed the condoms and lube on the bed. Moving quickly he pulled off all of his own clothes then moved, completely naked, back between Jensen's legs.

  
            "How do you want to do this?"

  
            "I want to see your face," Jensen told him.

  
            Jared smiled, dimples on full view. "Thank God."

  
            Jared opened the cap of lube and covered his fingers with a generous amount of it. He scooted down the bed some more so that he was in a better position then slowly pushed one finger into Jensen.

  
            "You okay?" He asked after several minutes of silence.

  
            Jensen nodded. He rolled his hips experimentally and let a filthy moan. "Move!"

  
            Jared removed his finger out then brought it back in slowly. After a few slow thrusts in and out he crooked his finger and found Jensen's prostate.

  
            "Fuck," Jensen moaned, his hips coming up from the bed. There was a dull ache in his leg but he ignored it in favor for the absolutely amazing feeling of pleasure.

  
            "Good?" Jared joked.

  
            "More."

  
            Jared withdrew his finger and pushed in a second one. He scissored and crooked his fingers widening Jensen even more. Eventually he pushed in a third.

  
            "You doing alright?" Jared asked.

  
            Jensen nodded. "Need you..."

  
            "What? What do you need me to do?"

  
            Jensen whined and squirmed. "Jared..."

  
            "You want me in you?"

  
            Jensen nodded his head violently. "Please."

  
            Jared ran his hand up and down Jensen's side. Reaching forward he grabbed a condom, opened it, then slid it down his shaft. He grabbed the lube and put a little more then was needed on and helped wrap Jensen's leg around his waist.

  
            When he lined up with he looked down at Jensen. "I'm gonna go slow, okay?"

  
            "Okay."

  
            Jared slowly started to push in and he felt Jensen tense up. He ran his hand up and down his thigh. "Relax," he whispered.

  
            Jensen took several long breaths trying to deal with the burn and uncomfortable feeling in his leg. After a few minutes he found himself making a whining noise.

  
            "You okay?"

  
            Jensen nodded. "Move."

  
            Making shallow thrust Jared worked his way into Jensen until he was fully sheathed inside him. He stayed like that for a few minutes before slow drawing out. When he push back inside both men let out a dirty moan.

  
            "You're so tight," Jared panted.

  
            "It's...ugh...it's been a while since I last bottomed."

  
            "When?"

  
            "Jack's conception."

  
            Jared's hips snapped in quickly causing him to hit Jensen's prostate dead on. The resulting groan of pleasure had Jared shifting around a bit until he could hit the sweet spot with every thrust.

  
            "You like that? You like me inside you?"

  
            "Yes," Jensen breathed.

  
            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen's lips. His thrust became more lazy; dragging out his time being inside the older man. From this angle he was only hitting Jensen's prostate with every other thrust in but the other man was still making the same filthy noises leading him to believe he didn't mind much. Jensen's hands were all over him. They dragged through his hair then down his back and up his arms, never settling in one spot. Jared moved his head to Jensen's shoulder an littering the scarred flesh with soft kissed as he snapped his hips a little faster.

  
Jensen could feel his orgasm building slowly. It coiled through his belly and seeped through his body. When Jared managed to hit his prostate on two consecutive thrust he felt his balls draw up and he came in the middle of their two bodies.

  
            "Coming untouched?" Jared whispered. "God you are so sexy."

  
            Jared's thrusts started to become erratic until finally he came.

  
            Everything was still for second; the only second was their labored breathing. Jared lifted his head and looked down at Jensen. He gave him a soft smile then kissed him.

  
            "You okay?"

  
            "I'm great."

  
            Jared absolutely beamed. "You sure? No panic attacks?"

  
            "I'm too blissed out to have a panic attack."

  
            "Good, good."

          Jensen pulled Jared down and kissed his lips again. "You going to pull out any time soon?"

 

               Jared chuckled. Snaking around himself he grabbed the end of the condom and pulled out.

               "Everything still intact?"

               Jared nodded. "No faulty condom."

               Jensen sighed. "Thank God."

            "You would have been upset if it broke?"

            "You wouldn't have been?"

            Jared shrugged. "Worse things could happen."

            "Really? You're only twenty one."

            "So? You had a baby when you when nineteen. Danny and Josh started raising Jack at twenty one. Worse things could happen in my life."         

            Jensen scoffed. "That's what you say now."

            Jared moved closer and rested his forehead against Jensen's. "Can we not discuss this?"

            "I like that idea."

            The younger man rolled off of Jensen and spooned up behind him. Once they were both settled he buried his head in Jensen's neck and kissed him. "You have any plans for today? Or were you planning on staying in bed naked all day?"

            Jensen wiggled back closer to Jared; his ass making contact with the other mans crotch. "I was thinking of doing some activities."

               Jared groaned. "You gotta give me some time to rest up."

            "Then take a nap and we can do round two."

            "You're going to be the death of me."

            "Go to sleep Jared."

            Jared grumbled something under his breath.

            "What was that?"

            "Nothing," he mumbled against Jensen's neck.

            Jensen turned in Jared's arms so that he could face him. "Come on. What did you say?"

            Jared sighed heavily. "I love you," he whispered just barely audible.

            "What?"

            "You don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know."

            Jensen nodded. "Okay."

            "I'm totally fine with you not saying it back. Really I am. I know I am rushing it just a tiny bit by saying it now but..."

            Jensen kissed Jared so that he could shut him up. "Are you done?"

            Jared nodded.

            "I'm...I'm not ready to say it back just yet. But I promise you I will be able to. I can't promise that it will be today or tomorrow but it will be some day in the future."

            "I know," he whispered. "And I am willing to wait."

            Jensen nodded. "Thank you."

            Jared pulled Jensen closer to him. "Go to sleep Jensen."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Wet heat and a soft humming woke Jensen up. When he opened his eyes he was hit with the feeling of arousal and realized that he was close to coming. He looked down to see Jared lazily sucking him off while stroking his own hardened length.

            "Why didn't you wake me up?" Jensen breathed.

            Jared hummed against his length then pulled off with a wet 'pop'. "I did," he joked.

            Jensen grabbed Jared by the chin and dragged him up so that he could kiss him on the lips. He could taste himself and something that was entirely Jared on the other man's tongue when he pushed it in. They kissed slowly, lazily, content with just tasting each other. But after a while the need to get release beat out the need for romance.

            "You good to go?" Jared whispered.

            "Just...just make sure okay?"

            Jared hummed and moved a hand down so that he could test Jensen. He slipped two fingers in and slowly started working his fingers in and out until he could get a third one in. He crooked his fingers, hitting Jensen's prostate, and smiled widely when Jensen nearly screamed.

            "Good?"

            Jensen nodded. "uh huh."

            "You think you are ready for another round?"

            "Yes," he breathed.

            Jared fumbled around in the bed until he found a condom. Quickly he opened it and rolled it down his length. Slowly, even though Jensen was stretched out, he pushed in until he was sheathed completely inside.

            "Need a minute?"

            Jensen shook his head. "Just move."

            "Slow?"

            "No."

            "Really?"

            "Really."

            Taking a deep breath in Jared slowly drew out before slamming back in. He set up a bruising pace that had Jensen moving up the bed a tiny bit with every thrust in. Jared grabbed his hip and held him down as he moved a bit so that he could find Jensen's prostate. Once he found it he continued to hit the sweet spot.

            "I'm gonna...I'm gonna..."

            "Already?"

            "If, ah, if you don't stop hitting my, ugh, prostate..."

            Jared lets out a breathy laugh and hits Jensen's prostate again. Seconds later Jensen comes in between their bodies followed closely by Jared.

            "Fuck," Jared moaned, slumping on top of Jensen.

            "You're heaving," Jensen mumbled into the top of Jared's head. "And you need a shower."

            Jared looked up at Jensen. "I need a shower? You're the one covered in your own come."

            "Well if you'd get off of me when could go shower."

            "Together?"

            Jensen shrugged. "Unless you wanted to shower separately?"

            Jared scrambled off of Jensen and lifted the older man up, throwing him over his shoulder. Ignoring Jensen's protests he exited the room and ran them down the hall into the bathroom where he silently closed the door then placed Jensen down again.

            "Barbarian," Jensen mumbled.

            Jared smirked and moved to turn the shower on. He stood with his hand underneath the spray until it got to a certain temperature then stepped in. Jensen stood staring at him through the slightly frosted glass. This was the first time he had taken a minute to actually appreciate naked Jared. The younger man was all soft angles and hard muscle. If you were to ask Jensen what a Greek God looked like he would point at Jared.

            "You getting in anytime soon?" Jared asked over the sound of the shower.

            Moving slowly, because damn his leg hurt, Jensen entered the shower. Jared turned so that he could look at him.

            "You're really beautiful," Jensen whispered.

            Jared smiled. "So are you."

            "No I mean it. You're gorgeous."

            Jared pulls Jensen against him and kissed him soundly. "Shower sex?"

            "No."

            "Why not?" He whined.

            "We're in the shower to get clean. If we have shower sex I'll just get dirty again."

            Jared huffed. "Fine," he mumbled.

            Jensen laughed softly. "We can go for round three after we eat something."

            "Awesome."

            Round three turns out to happen on the kitchen counter while there is a pot of boiling water on the stove. As Jared pounds roughly into Jensen, Jensen can't help but be thankful that Josh, Danny and Jack are out of town.

            Round four happened it the shower. It's a bit awkward with Jared's giant frame and Jensen's injured leg but they both manage to get off. After Jensen's fourth orgasm got ripped through him Jared pulled him into his arms and washed him off gently. As he washed he placed kisses to all of the scars on Jensen's body.

            "I love you," Jared whispered into his ear after they had settled into bed.

            "I know," Jensen replied.

            "You going to go to sleep?"

            Jensen nodded. "I'm exhausted."

            Jared hummed softly. "Goodnight, Jen."

            "Goodnight, Jay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another time jump in the next chapter. Probably more sex. And some angst.


	15. Sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 15 rewritten.

Jared's larger sweaty frame rolled off of Jensen with a content sigh. He ran a hand up and down Jensen's side, humming softly to himself. Jensen stared up at the ceiling ran, watching as it spun in circles. He turned his head to look at the younger man.

            "You enjoy yourself?"

            Jared looked over at Jensen and smiled. "I always enjoy myself when I get to be inside you."

            "God, you're gross."

            "Whatever."

            Jensen moved closer to Jared. "How much do you enjoy it?"

            "Like a lot. If I could get paid to pound into you the way you let me sometimes I'd quit school and work and just do that all day."

            "You're weird."

            Jared shrugged. "What can I say, I enjoy being with you."

            "I hope you do seeing as you've been with me for six months."

            "Six months? Really? I thought we'd been together longer."

            "Well its really been seven but we've only been having sex for six."

            "Oh how time flies when you're having fun."

            Jensen snorted. "Stop being so cheesy Jared."

            "You love me though."

            "Yeah I do."

            "Really?"

            "What?"

            "You love me?"

            "Yes."

            Jared rolled back on top of Jensen. "How quickly can you recover?"

            "Not that quickly," Jensen said laughing.

            Jared huffed and rolled back off of Jensen. "Say it again."

            "I didn't even say it in the first place."

            "Well then say it. Please?"

            "I love you."

            Jared shut his eyes and buried his head in Jensen's chest. "One more time."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            They lazed around in bed for a while until Jared had to get up for work. They never really discussed it but Jared was basically living with Jensen. Most of his stuff had been moved over from his small apartment to the house. He helped out with the twins whenever he had the day off which basically melted Jensen's heart every day.

            "I think your niece is awake," Jared said as he pulled his shirt over his head.

            "How do you know it is Kelly?"

            Jared shrugged. "I can tell the difference. I've woken up enough time to the little girl crying that I can tell the difference."

            "I don't even think Josh and Danny can tell the difference between Eben and Kelly."

            "You can." It wasn't a question. Jared knew that Jensen knew the difference. He had heard him mumble the different names every night to know he knew.

            "Shut up."

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the lips. "See you later tonight?"

            "Of course. Can you bring home dinner?"

            "What do you want?"

            "Anything. Danny and Josh are going out of town later so no one will be home and I don't feel like cooking for myself."

            "They're finally braving the trip to your parents house?"

            Jensen nodded. He hummed quietly when Jared kissed him again. "You're going to be late if you don't leave soon."

            "I don't wanna go," Jared whined. "I want to stay with you."

            "Well you can't. So get your pretty little ass out of here."

            Jared smirked and kissed Jensen again. "You've got a pretty ass," he murmured against his lips.

            "Get out of here."

            "Sir, yes sir."

            Jensen fell asleep again after Jared left. Ever since he stopped taking his sleeping pills he was starting to have better night's sleep. His nightmares were not gone but they dwindled to the point where he could sleep without pills. After a bit of pushing Jensen started taking his physical therapy more seriously and he no longer had to walk with a cane. Dr. Franks was praising him for his accomplishments.

            Jared entering the room scared him awake. "You sleep all day?" Jared asked as he placed the take out on the bed side table.

            "I was tired."

            "You feeling alright?" he asked placing a hand on his forehead.

            "I'm fine," Jensen mumbled batting his hand away. "I just hadn't been sleeping well until recently."

            Jared hummed and crawled into bed. He rummaged through the take out bag an passed Jared his food. "Hope you're okay with Chinese."

            "I'm always good with Chinese."           

            The ate quietly while the TV played in the background. When they were done Jared placed the containers back onto the night side table then turned to Jensen. "I love you," he whispered.

            "I love you too."

            "You still feeling tired?"

            "A little bit."

            Jared frowned. "Are you sure you are okay?"

            "I'm positive."

____________________________________________________________________________

            Turns out Jensen wasn't okay. Somehow he had manage to catch the flu so he spent the next week throwing up. When he wasn't throwing up he was sleeping. It was a vicious cycle that left the man completely drained. But through it all Jared stayed with him. He took off work and only ever left him for class. The two spent most of their time in bed.

            "How are you feeling?" Jared asked as Jensen woke up from his third nap of the day.

            "Like I was hit by a train."

            "Are you sure you don't want to see a doctor? Maybe one who can give you something to fight off the flu?"

            "There is nothing a doctor could do for me."

            "I agree with Jared," Jeff said walking into the room. He placed the tray he was carrying on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Your fever hasn't gone down and you still can't keep solid foods down. I think you should see a doctor."

            "You're a doctor, why don't you check me out?"

            Josh frowned. "I'm setting you up an appointment. Get dressed."

            Jensen pouted. "But I hate going to the doctor."

            "I know," Josh said patting his knee softly. "But you've gotta get better. What would you do if Jack was in your shoes?"

            "Take him to the doctor," Jensen mumbled.

            "Exactly. Now get dressed."

            Jared helped Jensen shower and get changed into clean clothes then helped him down the stairs to the waiting car. Josh smiled at them as Jared helped Jensen into the car.

            "Thanks for the help Jared," he said once they were on their way.

            "I just want to make sure he gets better."

            "I know. Me too. But thanks for watching out of him when I'm not around."

            Jared ran his hand through Jensen's still wet hair. "It's my pleasure."

            When they got to the doctor's office the three of them were whisked away to an exam room almost the moment they entered the door. Several minutes later a pretty brunette doctor came into the room with a wide smile.

            "Dr. Ackles it's good to see you," she said as she shook Josh's hand. "How are you twins?"

            "Their good thank you for asked Dr. Wright. Fantastic little babies. Although little Eben is a bit colicky at the moment."

            "Well I hope the little guy gets better soon," she said. She turned her attention to Jensen and gave him a smile. "And you must be Jensen. I hear you haven't been feeling well lately."

            Jensen nodded. "I've got the flu."

            Dr. Wright started checking Jensen over. When she was checking his lungs a frown marred he face. "Have you been experiencing any difficulties breathing?"

            "A little."

            "Can you take another deep breath in for me Jensen? Good. Now exhale. Okay."

            "You know what's wrong with him?"

            "I want to take some more test to make sure but I am pretty sure it is Acute Bronchitis. I want to take some x-rays so that I can rule out anything worse."

            "Okay." Josh lead Jared out of the room so that the doctor could complete her tests.

            Several hours later Josh, Jared, and Jensen all pilled back into Josh's car. The doctor had confirmed that Jensen was suffering from Acute Bronchitis and assured the two other men that it would clear up after a round of NSAIDs

            "So I get to feel like this for three more weeks?" Jensen had whined.

            "With your medical history I want to put you on a [Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-steroidal_anti-inflammatory_drugs)just so that I can ensure that it doesn't cause any damage to your body."

            Jensen stared down at the pills that he now had to take. It made him feel like shit knowing that he was once again adding to the amount of pills that he already had to take.

            "You're going to be fine," Jared whispered giving his hand a light squeeze. "I'll be as good as new in a few weeks."

______________________________________________________________________________

            After all of it was said and done Jared drove Jensen home from the doctor's office where he was given a clean bill of health. When they got to his house he followed him up to his room and kissed him deeply as the door swung shut behind them. Jensen pushed his back against the door and kissed him with gusto. They both knew that this wasn't going to be sweet make up sex.

            Jared spun Jensen and slammed the older ran against the door. He kissed down Jensen's jaw and sucked large bruises into his neck. Without warning he unbuckled Jensen's jeans and palmed over his erection before reaching between his legs and sank his index finger into him. Jensen gasped and shook slightly as Jared worked one then two and finally three finger inside of him.

            "Jared," Jensen moaned, grabbing at Jared's long locks. "Ah, fuck, Jay."

            "You like that?" Jared whispered into his ear.

            Jensen nodded, unable to speak.

            "You want me inside you? Want me to fill you up with my cock?"

            "Yes."

            "Mmm," Jared hummed as he sucked another bruise into Jensen's neck. Roughly he pulled Jensen's pants and boxers down so that the pooled around his feet.

            "Jay," Jensen gasped when Jared hit his prostate. "Need you..."

            Jared helped Jensen get his shoes off so that he could slip out of his pants and boxers then hoisted him up so that Jensen could wrap his legs around Jared's legs. "You gonna be alright like this?" Jared asked.

            Jensen nodded.

            "Good."

            The younger man fumbled around until his pants and boxers were around his knees. From somewhere that Jensen didn't see he produced a little package of lube and a condom. With one hand, since the other one was still roughly working in and out Jensen, he ripped the condom and lube up. He rolled the condom onto his shafted with a determined face.

            "Jared," Jensen whined. "Please."

            Jared captured his lips in a passionate kiss. "God I love you."

            "Love you too."

            Jared pulled his fingers out. With both hands he worked some lube onto his shaft then moved so that he was lined up with Jensen's opening. He moved his hands so that they gripped Jensen's hips and slowly pulled back, letting Jensen who had been trapped against his larger body and the door fall down onto his cock. The resulting moan that left both of their mouths was loud and slightly breathless.

            "Move," Jensen snapped after a few seconds.

            Jared lifted Jensen up then dropped him back down again. The pace was slow and rough resulting his a frustrated growl from Jensen.

            "Come on Jared, harder," he growled

            The younger man slammed Jensen's back against the door and pounded into him. The door shook against his back and every now and then, on a especially brutal thrust, made a loud rattling sound. Jensen was moaning shamelessly as Jared managed to hit his prostate over and over again.

            "You're such a little whore for me," Jared panted into his neck. "You like it when I pound you like this?"

            "Love it."

            "God I've missed being inside of you. Nothing is as satisfying as getting to fuck into you."

            "Missed it too."

            Jared slowed down his pace and rolled his hips pulling Jensen away from the edge of his orgasm. Jensen let out a high pitch whine and dug his fingers into Jared's shoulders. When the younger man let out a hiss Jensen removed his hands and saw that he had made Jared bleed.

            "Sorry," he muttered.

            "'s okay," he panted picking up his pace again.

            Jensen moans changed as the pain that his bad leg was shooting through his body. Jared picked up on it and moved away from the door. Carefully he placed Jensen onto the bed then blanketed his body, pushing back in.

            "Better?"

            "Much."

            From the new angle Jared wasn't hitting his prostate as much as he was before. Jared had always slowed down a bit and was now kissing up and down his jaw line. When Jensen whined Jared chuckled softly.

            "Want to enjoy this," Jared whispered into his neck. "Want to enjoy you."

            Jensen hummed and ran his hands up and down Jared's back. He was so close to coming but with the now slower pace he knew that he wasn't going to come for some time and he was okay with that.

            They ended up kissing lazily, Jared slowly thrusting in and out of Jensen. Their brutal make up sex became tender loving making with whispered words of love and adoration. After a little while Jared shifted so that he could hit Jared's prostate and picked up the pace a little bit. Several thrusts later he came with a grunt into Jensen then snaked his hand around so that he could stroke Jensen to his own release.

            Jared pulled out of Jensen and settled into bed next to him. The only sound in the room for several long minutes was their labored breathing. Finally Jared pulled Jensen close to him and kissed his head.

            "I love you," he whispered.

            "I love you too."

            Jared fell silent and eventually fell asleep. Jensen dislodged himself from the younger man, pulled on some pants, then wandered out of the room. He walked down the stairs and found Josh and Danny in the kitchen.

            "Where's Jack?"

            "Mom and dad's."

            "Why?"

            "Because make up sex is loud and I am not going to explain that to him."

            "You heard?"

            "He was trying to pound you through the door, of course we heard."

            Jensen sighed. "Sorry."

            Danny smirked. "It's cool. Sounded pretty damn passionate. Made me a bit jealous that I am not a bottom."

            "Well it's been a month since we've been able to do anything so..."

            "I'm glad you have him," Josh said. "He seems good for you."

            "Yeah, yeah you've been telling me that forever."

            "I'm glad you took my advice."

            Jensen smiled. He gave his brother a quick hug before heading back upstairs. When he opened the door he found the Jared had woken up.

            "Where'd you go?"

            "Downstairs. Just wanted to make that no one heard us."

            "And did they?"

            "Jack is at my parents place right now."

            Jared chuckled. "We were that loud?"   

            "We may have just converted a top we were so loud."

            Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and pulled him onto the bed. "You're wearing way to many articles of clothing right now," he mumbled. "I think you should get naked again."

            "And what will I get if I do?"

            "Sex."

            "I like the sound of that."

            Jared released Jensen and pushed at him slowly. "Naked. Now."

            Jensen rolled out of bed and took all of his clothes off. Once naked he settled back into bed. "This better?"

            "Much."

            "Am I allowed a nap before sex?"

            "Of course."

            "I love you, Jared."

            "Love you too, Jen."

            Jared pulled Jensen close to him again and settled his arms around his waist. He hummed contently then fell back asleep. Jensen followed him minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the poor excuse for a first draft of this chapter. It was shit and I know it. Also a heads up that I probably won't be updating this fic for a while. I just don't like how shitty it has been coming out recently and I need to take a step back from it so that I don't almost ruin it again. Sorry.


	16. Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't what I was expecting to write when I thought I was going to write part of this story again but it kind of just popped into my head. Sorry in advance.

They were nearing their one year anniversary when the cramping started. Thinking nothing of it Jensen passed it off as a new side effect to his accident. He doesn't mention it to anyone no matter how bad it gets. After a few days of it he just learns to live through it.

            On their actual anniversary the cramps are so bad Jensen thinks about cancelling his date with Jared. In the end he goes anyways because of how excited Jared was about what he had planned. Jensen was equally excited because he was going to give Jared the key to the new house the he had purchased. It was their home, with Josh, Danny, Jack and the twins of course, but it was a house that wasn't soiled with the history the old one had with his ex wife.

            The restaurant Jared took him to was not extremely fancy. It was the type of place that he could afford and that was good enough for Jensen. For him it wasn't about the prices but about the company he got to have by being there. Jensen was about to slip the box that held the key across the table when an extremely bad cramp ripped through his body. He gasped and clutch at his stomach. He was dimly aware of Jared saying something to him before everything went black.

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen woke in a hospital bed, the steady beeping of a machine greeting him. He opened his eyes slowly and looked around the room. Josh sat still in his scrubs in one of the chairs beside the bed. The beeping of the machine changed causing his older brother to jolt awake and look around the room.

            "Hey," Josh whispered, "look who's awake."

            "What happened?"

            Josh frowned. "I should get your doctor," he mumbled.

            "Josh," Jensen said stopping the older man. "What happened?"

            "You had a miscarriage."

            "I...I what?"

            "Jen," Josh whispered. He moved to the bed and sunk down onto it. "You were five weeks pregnant."

            "I..."

            Josh took Jensen hand in his. "Doctor said that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. Even if you had known about it you probably would have still miscarried."

            "Jared..."

            "I sent him home a few hours ago."

            "I want Jared."

            "I know you do but the nurses won't let him back in cause he's not family. But he promised he'd be here in the morning to see you."

            Jensen gripped his brothers hand tighter. "I didn't do anything wrong?"

            "No. You didn't do anything wrong. This happens sometimes."

            "We weren't even trying...we thought we were being safe."

            "Condoms aren't always one hundred percent effective. You know that."

            "But..."

            Josh shushed him. "You need your rest. Go back to sleep."

            Jensen nodded.

            "Do you need anything to help you sleep?"

            "I'll be okay."

            "Okay."

            Josh got up from the bed and moved back over to the chair.

            "Will you be here when I wake up?"

            "I'm not going anywhere little brother."

______________________________________________________________________________

            A low murmured conversation woke Jensen the next morning. As he surfaced more he could make out that the voices belonged to Jared and Josh. They were currently talking about him.

            "Is he going to be okay?" Jared asked.

            "Physically, yes. Mentally, probably not."

            "Just another thing added to the long list of shit he's got to deal with."

            "He's gonna be okay," Josh told him. "He might have to spend some more time with his therapist but he's gonna be fine."

            "Is Dr. Franks going to come see him?"

            "No. He wants Jensen to come to him."

            The two men lapsed into silence. Deciding that this was probably the best time to 'wake up' Jensen opened his eyes and looked around the room.

            "Jay?" he whispered.

            Jared was at his side in seconds. "Hey Jen. How are you feeling?"

            Now that Jensen could actually see Jared he broke down. Loud, angry sobs ripped through his throat and filled the relatively quiet room. Jared shushed him quietly and crawled up onto the bed so that he could wrap him in his arms.

            "I've got you," Jared whispered. "You're okay."

            "I'm...I'm sorry," Jensen sobbed.

            "There is no reason to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. These things happen sometimes. It's not your fault."

            "But..."

            Jared kissed him softly on the lips. "It's not your fault."

            Josh came to sit on the other side of the bed. "It's not your fault," he parroted.

            The three of them sat on the bed for several long moments in silence. The only sounds that filled the room were Jensen's soft sobs and the beeping from the machine. Eventually a knock came at the door and Josh called for the person to enter.

            "I see you're awake," a doctor said as they entered the room. "How are you feeling?"

            Jensen wiped the tears off his face and shrugged. "Fine I guess."

            "No more cramping?"

            Jensen shook his head.

            The doctor nodded and jotted some things down on his chart. "How long would you say you were having cramps before hand?"

            "A week? Maybe a little less?"

            The doctor hummed quietly to himself. "And were you two trying for children?"

            "No."

            "Okay. Well if you two ever do decide to try for real I want you to set up an appointment with me first so that I can do some tests. I believe that this is a onetime thing but it is best to be one hundred percent sure."

            "Thank you doctor," Josh said. He rose to his feet and shook the man's hand. "I have a few questions to ask you about a patient of mine. Mind if we step into the hall?"

            "Not at all."

            The two older men exited the room with chatter about a possible diagnoses for a pregnant patient that Josh had. Once the door shut, Jensen buried himself deeper into the bed and Jared.

            "A week?" Jared asked.

            "I didn't think anything of it."

            "Tell me next time? I don't care if you just think it is gas I want to know, okay?"

            Jensen nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything."

            "I know."

            "Would you have been happy?" Jensen asked a little while later.

            "Hmm?"

            "If I didn't miscarry, would you have been happy?"

            Jared was quiet for several seconds before nodding. "I would have. But that doesn't mean we need to start rushing into anything. We've got a new house to furnish and twin niece and nephew to help raise."

            "You're aware that they aren't really your niece and nephew right?"

            Jared shrugged. "Not yet."

            Jensen chuckled softly. "So you like your anniversary gift?"

            "I love it. I can't wait to see it and move in."

            "I thought a fresh start would be nice. No ex wives presence anywhere."

            "I like the sound of that."

            Jensen tilted his head up and kissed Jared softly. "It's nine bedrooms, tens bathrooms with a study. It's on a few acres of land too. Plenty of room for all of us."

            "Sounds amazing."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your encouraging words. I am glad that so many of you like this story. I can't promise that I am back for good with this story. As I've said before I really like it and it pains me not to write it but being away from it is doing me some good. And I know this isn't exactly what anyone was hoping for when I posted another chapter so I am sorry.


	17. Aftermath

After being discharged from the hospital Jensen spends the next few days in bed. When he first found out about that he miscarried he was numb. He had almost no feeling towards the baby that he had long but now he felt like he couldn't breathe. Without even realizing it his hand started drifting to his stomach more and more until finally it was always laying against it. If Jared or Josh noticed they never said a word.

            Leaving the hospital made him feel like a weight was lifted off his shoulder until Jack came running up to him and wrapping his small arms around his leg. His son whispered about how much he had missed him and how much he loved him. Eventually Josh pried the small boy from his leg and Jensen trudged upstairs to his room where he proceeded to collapse into bed. Jared followed, curled up around him, and held Jensen as he cried into his pillow.

            The thing was that Jensen didn't realize until that moment how much he wanted another child. He wanted what his brother had with his husband. Now that he knew that he almost had that before it was ripped away from him before he was even aware of it made him ache. He wanted to scream and cry because he felt like his body was betraying him.

            They laid in bed for days never saying anything to each other. Jared got up at some point while Jensen was asleep but he was back before the older man could even fully register the missing heat on his back and they never spoke about where he went. Josh came in and out of the room to give them food and after that went untouched he just left bottles of water on the night stand before leaving them alone.

            One morning Jensen woke up to the sound of Jared crying and he turned to wrap his arms around the younger man. He held him to his chest and ran his hands through his hair until the crying subsided. They stayed in that position until they fell asleep again and moved back into their normal one.             

            Three days passed before Jared groaned. It was the first sound either man had made except for sobbing. Jensen turned in Jared's arms and buried his head in Jared's chest.

            "We need to see Dr. Franks," Jared whispered into Jensen's hair. "We can't keep this up."

            Jensen looked up at Jared. "Do you hate me?"

            Jared reeled back. "Hate you? Why would I hate you?"

            "If I wasn't so messed up I wouldn't have lost the baby. It would still be alive. This is all my fault."

            "No...no, no, no, no, no," Jared chanted. "Oh Jensen, babe, no, this isn't your fault. You heard the doctor. It wasn't a viable pregnancy. It wasn't in the right position and even if we had known about it you still would have lost it."

            "But he said..." Jensen hiccupped as he tried to keep from crying. "He said that we needed to see him before we decided if we wanted a baby. That must mean there is something wrong with me."

            "There isn't anything wrong with you," Jared whispered. "He just wants to make sure that you are okay."

            "What if I'm not? What if I'm not okay? Will you leave me?"

            Jared scoffed. "Leave you? Jen, babe, that isn't even a option at this point. You are my everything. I wouldn't last a day without you. We have options if we ever decided to have kids. You know better than anyone that there are always options."

            Jensen moved his hand down to his stomach and touched it. "I didn't realize until Jack was attached to my leg that I want another one. I like to complain about it but carrying Jack was one of the most amazing experiences ever. I think I'd be crushed if I found out that I couldn't carry again."

            "Are you saying you want kids?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I've thought about it. Not as much as I've been thinking about it recently but I'm not opposed to the idea."

            Jared closed his eyes. "Jensen," he whispered softly.

            "You don't want to? I thought..."

            "Of course I do. But I want you to be one hundred percent sure beforehand. I want you to be healed both mentally and physically from this before we even think about this. Okay?"

            Jensen nodded. "Okay."

            "That includes us getting out of this bed."

            "Can we just stay here a little longer?"

            "We can stay for as long as you like."

            A few hours later and Jared and Jensen were hauling themselves out of bed and down stairs. They were holding hands as they entered the kitchen which made Josh smile.

            "How are you two doing?" Josh asked as they took a seat at the kitchen table.

            Jared looked over at Jensen. "We're...we're working through it."

            Josh nodded. "No one's excepting you two to bounce back quickly."

            "Where are the Danny, Jack and the twins?" Jensen asked trying to change the topic.

            "Out shopping. I was going to go with them but Danny wanted me to stay here to make sure you two were okay."

            "How Jack?"

            "He confused and worried. We wouldn't let him anywhere near the room so he thought that you were mad at him. We tried reassuring him but I don't think it really worked much."

            "Thanks."

            "I just didn't think you seeing Jack would help much with the way you were already feeling."

            Jensen nodded and looked down at the table . "I feel guilty. I shouldn't be so upset by seeing Jack it's just...what if he is the only baby I can ever have?"

            Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen's shoulder and pulled him closer. "We already talked about this Jen."

            "The doctor told me that you were fine. All the tests he ran said that you would be able to have kids when you were ready. This one just wasn't in the right position," Josh told him. "You need to stop worrying."

            Jensen sighed. "I hear you guys saying all of this but I just can't believe it," he confessed.

            "You're going to go see Dr. Franks right?" Josh asked.

            "I have to see him anyways so..."

            "Do you want me to go with you?"

            Jensen shook his head. "I think I'll be okay. I see him all the time already so I don't see this being too bad."

            "You sure?"

            "I'm sure."

            "Okay. I'll make a call and see if he can take you a little earlier," Josh said getting up from the table to go make his call.

            Jared turned back to Jensen after watching Josh leave the room. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"

            "I'll be fine. Unless you want to go with me. You know, to talk through your own stuff."

            Jared shook his head. "I'll go a different time."

            "Are you sure?"

            "No. I've never gone to therapy before."

            "Not even when your dad was going through his issues?"

            "My mom kept us sheltered from it long enough that we never needed to see anyone because we really don't know much about what was going on. But this...I think I need someone to talk to."

            Jensen took Jared's hand in his. "And no one will fault you for that. I'll talk to Dr. Franks when I see him about you getting an appointment."

            Jared nodded. "Okay."

            Jensen lifted Jared's hands to his lips and kissed it. "It'll be good for you to talk this out with someone who isn't me."

            "You're right. And the same goes for you. If you'd like we could set up an appointment with the doctor so that you can talk through everything."

            Jensen nodded. "I'd like that. But I want to talk to Dr. Franks first. I want to be able to get out of the bed in the morning instead of spending all my time wallowing because I feel so guilty."

            Jared got out of his chair and knelt in front of Jensen. "You aren't guilty of anything. Got it?"

            Jensen nodded. "Can we go back to bed?"

            "Sure."

            Jared got up then helped Jensen to his feet. They walked up to their room and collapsed into bed, arranging themselves into their normal position. The two of them were asleep in minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting easier again to write chapters so I might start updating a lot again soon.


	18. I won't give up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heard this song and then this popped into my head. Enjoy.

Jared drives Jensen to his appointment the next day. As they are sitting in the car a song comes on the radio that makes Jared gasp and turn the volume up. His hand reaches for Jensen's and he grips it tightly as the song plays on.

            "I've never heard this song before," Jensen whispered as the song played.

            "I have but it's been a while since I last heard it."

            "I..."

            Jared lifted Jensen's hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "It's our song," he beamed.

            Jensen laughed softly. "Yeah, I guess it is."

            " _Well, I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up,"_ Jared sang along with the song.

            "You're so cheesy," Jensen said as he smiled brightly over at the younger man.

            "Come on, Jen. Sing with me."

            Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and sunk further into the chair. "No."

            "Come on," Jared said. He started singing the song again at the top of his lungs.

            "Jared..."

            Jared stopped at a red light and turned slightly in his seat. " _I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make,"_ he sang to Jensen.

            "You have a terrible singing voice."

            " _Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake_."

            "Are you done yet?"

            " _And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn_."

            "Jared the light is green."

            " _We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am_."

            "Please stop."

            "Sing with me."

            "I don't sing."

            " _I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up, still looking up_."

            Jensen huffed and stared at his boyfriend. The younger man was smiling brightly at him as the chorus repeated again. With a loud put upon sign Jensen sang along to the song.

            " _I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up_ ," they sang together as the song came to an end.

            "Happy?" Jensen asked as the radio moved on to the next song.

            Jared started driving again and smiled at Jensen. "Yeah I'm happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song came on while I was in the car and they first thing I thought of was this fic so I wrote this. I couldn't help it! Also if you don't know this song it is "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. All credit goes to him and whomever is responsible for the writing and producing of the song.


	19. Tom Dancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick mention of suicide. Thought I would warn just in case since it isn't tagged.

The longer Jensen sits in Dr. Franks office the longer he wishes he had Jared with him. He hasn't been able to open his mouth since he sat down twenty minutes ago. Every time he's tried to open his mouth to talk about the miscarriage he's snapped it shut again.

            "Jensen?"

            "I feel numb," he heard himself say.

            "Why?"

            Jensen looked down at the carpet. "What if I can't have any more children? What if Jack is the last one and he doesn't even know he's mine? How long until Jared decides he doesn't want to be with me because I can't give him children?"

            "Is that what you are afraid of? Jared leaving you?"

            Jensen opened and closed his hands several times, digging his blunt nails into the skin. "I'm afraid he'll finally realize that I am not good enough."

            "Has he ever given you any indication that he feels that way?"

            Jensen snorted. "Never. He's always so optimistic. Tells me we'll get through this. That if the doctor tells us that I can't carry again that we'll find another way."

            "And why don't you believe him?"

            "I...I do believe him. I believe that after a year he won't leave because he loves me. But...but what if something happens and he changes his mind. Lydia told me _' for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer_ , _in sickness and in health, until death do us part_ ' but then she left me. We took vows and she still left. How am I expected to believe that Jared won't do the same?"

            "So you're afraid your relationship with Jared is going to end like your relationship with Lydia?"

            "Lydia was in love with me until the going got rough. Then she dropped me and didn't look back. I know Jared and I have been through a lot since we started dating but if I can't carry to term or at all I don't see why he would want to stick around."

            "How about we talk about you? How are you feeling about the miscarriage?"

            "I feel guilty. I've been told over and over again that there was nothing I could have done to save the baby but I still feel guilty. Like if I had known, if I had said something about the cramping someone could have helped me."

            "Would you have felt better if you had known about the baby before?"

            Jensen shook his head. "I know this would be worse I had known. I know that if I had known about it I wouldn't be consolable. I don't want to say that this is better, that having the miscarriage without knowing is better, but I know I wouldn't have survived if I had."

            "You think you would have ended your life?"

            "The past eighteen months have been one bad thing after another. First my accident, then my divorce, now this. I think that if I had known about the baby and then suffered through the miscarriage that I wouldn't be  able to deal."

            "What about Jared?"

            "He's my saving grace. I might have been able to hang on for him but it would have been hard."

            Dr. Franks nodded and wrote something down. "I need you to answer this question truthfully, okay?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Do you feel like a danger to yourself? In anyway do you feel suicidal?"

            Jensen shook his head. "I'm sad but it's a manageable type of sad. I know I will always be grieving just a tiny bit for this baby but I know I can work through it."

            "You're sure?"

            Jensen nodded. "I've got a support system. I'm not isolating myself from the outside world. I'll be...not okay per say but I'll be able to work through it."

            Dr. Franks nodded and wrote something else down on his pad. "Would you like to add more sessions in? Just in case?"

            "That would probably be a good idea."

            "Okay. Now let's talk about Jack. How did you feel when you first saw him after the miscarriage?"

            "Sad. I looked at him and thought 'what if?'. What if he's the last one I can have? What if I wasn't willing to be a father before and now something is punishing me for it?"

            "So you want children now?"

            "I didn't realize I did until I was laying in that hospital bed. I mean I knew I wanted them down the line I just didn't realize I wanted them sooner. But at the same time I know I need to wait. Jared and I need to wait."

            "And are you?"

            "If I found out two months from now that I was pregnant and it was an accident I don't have any doubt in my mind that I would want to keep it. But I am not going to start actively looking to get pregnant. We're not ready for it yet."

            "Does Jared feel the same way?"

            Jensen nodded. "He wants me to be one hundred percent healthy both mentally and physically before we start trying. He doesn't want to risk my health."

            Dr. Franks nodded. He closed his note pad and looked up at the clock. "And that is your hour," he informed Jensen.

            Jensen stood when the doctor did and shook his hand. "I've got a question for you."

            "And what would that be?"

            "Would you be willing to see Jared? He really needs someone to talk to about this that isn't me."

            Dr. Franks smiled. "I personally can't see him but I can refer him to one of my friends, Dr. Fields. Have him set up an appointment with her with our secretary on your way out."

            "Thanks you, sir."

            "You're welcome. I'll see you in a few days."

            Jensen left the room and made his way out into the waiting room. When he walked out he found Jared sitting in the exact same spot that he had left him in.

            "Hey," Jensen whispered as he came to stand next to him.

            Jared looked up at him and gave him a tired smile. "Hi," he whispered. He stood from the chair and stretch. "How'd it go?"

            "Fine. It was difficult at first but I got through it."

            "Are you feeling okay?"

            Jensen nodded. "I feel better."

            "Good." Jared kissed him on the cheek and linked their hands. "You ready to go?"

            "Just need to check in with the secretary and then we can go."

            Jared led Jensen over to the small reception desk and leaned against it as he talked to the secretary. After he was done setting up his next appointment he informed her that he needed to also set up an appointment with Dr. Fields for Jared.

            "Dr. Fields?" Jared asked.

            "Dr. Franks recommended her for you."

            Jared nodded. "Okay."

            The secretary clicked away at her computer before grabbing a business card and writing down a date and time. She handed it to Jared with a smile. "Managed to get you guys in at the same time on the same day."

            "Thanks," Jared said as he took the card. He turned to Jensen. "Ready to go now?"

            "You're hungry, aren't you?"

            Jared shrugged. "What can I say I'm a growing boy."

            Jensen snorted and took Jared's hand in his again. "Let's go then."

______________________________________________________________________________

                Jared pulled into the parking lot of the diner and smiled over at Jensen. "You don't mind that we eat here do you?"

            Jensen shook his head. "Here's fine."

            "Good cause it is the closets place and I am starving."

            Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared on the lips. Jared moaned and deepened the kiss a bit. He flicked his tongue out and ran it over Jensen's bottom lips before asking for entrance into Jensen's mouth. When he was granted he snaked his tongue in and went about tasting every part of the older man's mouth. After a few minutes Jensen pulled back.          

            "You okay?" Jared asked quietly.

            "I'm fine," Jensen whispered. "I just..."

            "It's only been a week and I understand. We'll take it slow, okay?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen softly. "Let's get inside."

            They exited the car and instantly grabbed onto each other's hands. Since the miscarriage they were much more tactile then they were before. When they weren't curled up together in bed Jared had Jensen's hand in his or his arm around his waist. He was holding onto him like Jensen was going to float away from him at any moment.

            "You okay?" Jensen asked when Jared squeezed his hand lightly.

            "Read the sign."

            Jensen looked up at the sign and stopped dead in his tracks. The same sigh that had said 'Welcome home Jensen' when he had gotten back after his accident now said 'Welcome home Tom Dancy'.

            "Jen, wait!" Jared called after Jensen as he ran towards the diner.

            Jensen threw the door open and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Tom. He stood next to the hostess desk, Kathy molded into his side. The two of them looked up when they heard the door bell ring and Tom separated himself from Kathy so that he could pull Jensen into a bone crushing hug.

            "God it is good to see you," Tom whispered into his neck.

            "You too," Jensen mumbled.

            Tom pulled back and looked Jensen up and down. "You look good. Civilian life is treating you well."

            Jensen rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually..."

            "Jensen?" Jared huffed as he entered the diner.

            Tom turned to Jared. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Tom Dancy, Jensen's long time friend. And you are?"

            "Jared Padalecki, Jensen's boyfriend."

            Tom smiled and shook Jared's hand. "So you're the reason Jensen looks so good."

            Jared beamed. "Well I'm trying."

            Tom turned back to Jensen. "I heard about what happened. I'm sorry man."

            Jensen turned to Kathy who gave him a sheepish smile. "Josh told me."

            "It's fine." Jared came over and pulled Jensen against him. Jensen looked up at Jared and smiled. "We're fine."

            "I'm glad to hear that," Kathy said. "You two want a table?"

            Jared nodded. "You want to join us Tom?"

            Tom smiled. "I've actually got to get going soon. I've got a doctor's appointment."

            "What happened Tom? Why are you home?"

            Tom pulled back the collar of his shirt to reveal a bullet wound in his shoulder. "I got shot."

            Jensen nodded. "Just you?"

            "Just me. I was working Scout for a Sniper and I got noticed. The guy shot me then was taken out by the Sniper."

            "You been discharged?"

            "The bullet managed to destroy a lot of muscles in my shoulder. I got my papers while I was healing in the VA."

            "I got lots of papers while in the VA," Jensen whispered.

            "Yeah I heard about Lydia. Didn't realize she was the type."

            "Really?"

            "I personally thought she was gonna 'Dear John' you."

            Jensen bumped Tom gently. "Thanks man."

            Tom laughed. "I'll leave you two alone so that you can get some lunch. It was nice meeting you Jared."

            "It was nice meeting you too."

            Kathy smiled and led Jensen and Jared to a booth. "I still can't believe he's home for good," she whispered.

            "Did he say anything about Chris and Steve?"

            Kathy frowned. "No. But I'll ask him and relay the information."

            "Thanks Kathy."

            "No problem. Enjoy your lunch."

            Jared scooted his chair closer to Jensen and took his hand. "You okay?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "You sure?"

            "I'm happy to see him alive and well. When I hadn't heard from him I thought..."

            "But he's not. And neither are your other two friends."

            Jensen kissed Jared lightly on the lips. "You're always so optimistic."

            "One of us has to be."

            "Sometimes I wish I could have your unwavering optimism but..."

            "You've seen too much in your life already."

            Jensen sighed. "I always look for the bad in every situation."

            "Even with us still?"

            When Jensen stayed quiet instead of answering Jared leaned over and kissed him. "We'll get there. I promise."

            "There you go again," Jensen whispered against Jared's lips.

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            Jared kissed Jensen's lips again then picked up his menu and started looking at it. "I could eat everything on this menu I am so hungry."

            With their minds turned to food Jensen was able to tune out the little voice in his head that was trying to drag him down. He took Jared's hand in his and held it all through lunch which helped to get rid of the voice entirely.

                              

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tom Dancy is going to be mention a lot and possibly become a big character for a while. Also I decided to have Lydia make an appearance in the next chapter. Angst and sex are coming up because of her appearance.


	20. One day

            Jensen's at the meat counter at the supermarket when he hears the heels approaching him. It's a sound that he had grown so used to that he doesn't have to turn around to know who is behind him. When the overwhelming smell of perfume hits him (something that he does not miss about being with a woman) he knows without a doubt that he is going to regrets coming to the store today.

            "Jensen?" A high, squeaky voice said. Had her voice always been that grating?

            Jensen turned slowly to look at him ex wife. "Lydia," he said softly.

            Lydia moved forward to place a kiss on Jensen's cheek. "It is so good to see you," she said with that voice Jensen knew as her lying voice. "How have you been?"

            "I'm fine," he mumbled, stepping back. "How about you?"

            "I've been okay," she said. She removed forward and ran a hand down his unscarred cheek. "But I find myself missing you oh so much."

            Jensen stepped back again, his back colliding with the meat counter. "I bet," he deadpanned.

            Now that he was trapped Lydia moved even closer to Jensen. "I've been meaning to apologize to you for the way we parted. That was awfully mean of me. Not to mention how lonely I have been."   

            "Lydia..."

            Before he could say more Lydia attacked Jensen's lips. He was so caught off guard that it took him several seconds before his brain started working again. He pushed her lightly; her heels making a light tapping noise as she stumbled backwards.

            "Jensen," she whined stomping her foot. "You used to love when I kissed you for everyone to see."

            "That was before you divorced me while I was still recovering from nearly blowing up."

            Lydia pouted. "That's the past," she sighed. "Can't we just work passed it?"

            "I don't think my boyfriend would like that."

            Lydia's face scrunched up. "Boyfriend?" She hissed.

            "Yes."

            She scoffed. "Well dump him." She moved closer to him again. "You and I were always so good together. We can be good together again."

            "You left me. I was in really bad condition and you left me. Jared picked up the pieces and helped heal. I am not leaving him for you."

            Lydia stumbled back like Jensen had hit her. After a few seconds she moved back towards him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "I can rearrange it back to what it was before."

            "Lydia, back off," Jensen hissed.

            "Sir?" A voice called from behind them.

            Jensen pushed Lydia back a little and turned towards the man behind the meat counter. The man had a strained smile on his face and a pound of meat in his hand. Jensen reached forward and grabbed it, thanked him, then walked away.

            "Jensen!" Lydia called, her heels clicking on the floor as she ran after him. When she caught up to him she wrapped her hand around his bicep and stopped him. "You can't be seriously considering not taking my offer."

            "I am seriously not considering your offer," he sneered. He pulled his arm out of her grasp and walked away again.

            Josh came up beside Jensen pushing a cart full of food. He whistled softly to himself before looking over his shoulder at Lydia.

            "So that was interesting," he said as he picked a line.

            "You saw that and didn't stop it?" Jensen hissed.

            Josh shrugged. "You needed to work it out on your own."

            "Work what out on his own?" Jared asked as he appeared from nowhere. He placed some stuff on the belt before kissing Jensen on the cheek.

            "Lydia."

            Jared straightened up and looked around him. When his eyes didn't find who he was looking for he looked back down at Jensen. "What...is that lipstick on your lips?"

            Jensen wiped at his lips. When he pulled back his hand it was stained with bright red lipstick. He groaned and leaned his body against Jared's. "She kissed me," he whispered.

            "Are you kidding me?"

            "Jared..."

            "If you are going to follow that with 'calm down' save your breath. She kissed you. Your ex wife kissed you. Were you going to tell me?"

            Jensen moved closer to Jared and kissed him. "I didn't know you could be so jealous," he whispered against his lips. "It's really sexy."

            Jared groaned and kissed Jensen hard. "I know you're trying to distract me," he mumbled.

            "Is it working?"

            "Yes," Jared admitted.

            Josh cleared his throat causing the two men to jump away from each other. "Could you two wait until we get home before attacking each other's faces?"

            Jared mumbled something under his breath and pulled Jensen against him.

            After they were done shopping Jensen and Jared went to go look at the new house again. They had been the previous day but because Jared had to be at work they weren't able to see the whole house. When they entered they skipped the first level and went straight for the second.

            "Which is our room?" Jared asked as Jensen lead him up the stairs.

            Jensen led Jared into the room that was just to the left of the stairs. He opened the door and Jared crowded against him, shutting the door behind him. Jared moved them until Jensen's back is against the opposite wall.

            "Jared?"

            Jared leaned down and attacked Jensen's neck. Jensen could feel the large bruises beginning to form as Jared sucked them into his flesh. A moan escaped his lips before he is able to stop it which caused Jared to laugh darkly.

            "You like that?" He purred into Jensen's neck.

            Jensen groaned again and rocked against Jared's hip. The younger man smiled and stuck a leg between Jensen's leg so that he could get some friction.

            "Jared?" He panted.

            "You wanna do it right here? Christen the room as ours?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Jared undid Jensen's pants and roughly shoved them down around his ankles. After Jensen managed to kick them off he lifted Jensen so that he could wrap his legs around his waist. Rummaging through his pocket, Jared pulled out a package of lube. He opened it with his teeth, poured some until his fingers, then roughly inserted one into Jensen.

            "Fuck," Jensen yelled.

            Jared made a noise in the back of his throat. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He kissed along Jensen's face.

            "I'm fine," Jensen grunted. "Move."

            Jared bit down on his lip then slowly started working his finger in and out of Jensen. He set up a slow pace, trying not to hurt Jensen again. After a little while he worked a second in followed closely by a third.

            "I'm ready," Jensen panted.

            "You sure?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Jared shifted so that he could undo his own pants and shove them down to his knees. He lifted Jensen up some more so that he was trapped more securely between the wall and his bigger body.

            "Shit," Jared muttered as he rummaged through his pants.

            "What?"

            "I didn't bring a condom."

            Jensen's heart sunk. "Do it," he heard himself saying.

            "What?" Jared' head snapped up quickly. "I...you...what?"

            "Do it. Fuck me without a condom."

            Jared groaned and let his head fall backwards. "Jensen..."

            "I'm on birth control, Jared. We'll be okay."

            Jared looked back at Jensen. "I don't want to take the chance."

            Jensen captured Jared's lips with his. They kissed lazily for a few seconds before Jared pulled back again.

            "Jensen..." He whined.

            Jensen removed one arm from around Jared's neck and reached down to grab the package of lube that was hanging loosely in Jared's hand. He unwrapped his legs from Jared's waist and carefully pushed on the taller man down onto the floor.

            "Ow," Jared complained.

            "You okay?" Jensen asked as he climbed onto Jared's lap.

            "What are you doing?" Jared asked, settling his hands on Jensen's hips.

            Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared's lips. "I'm going to ride you."

            "Jensen, I..."

            Jared's protest was cut off as Jensen slicked up his cock then guided it so that he could sink down onto it. The younger man let out a slew of curses but didn't push Jensen off of him.

            "I...I hate you," he panted out.

            "You want me to move?"

            Jared nodded his head violently.

            Jensen huffed out a laugh. "O-okay," he mumbled as he slowly rose up before pushing back down.

            "Damn," Jared mumbled, his hands tightening even more.

            Jensen set up a lazy pace, moving up and down slowly so as to draw out the process. From the angle that they were going at he couldn't quite hit his prostate dead on but the sensation was good enough that he didn't need it. Jared was panting heavily underneath him with his eyes screwed shut. Jensen made a displeased noise.

            "Open your eyes," he whispered.

            Jared opened his eyes and locked them with Jensen. He smiled softly.

            "I love you," Jensen whispered, gripping Jared's shirt so that he could pick up the speed a bit.

            "I love you too," Jared mumbled. He snaked his hand around Jensen's neck and pulled him down so that he could kiss his lips.

            Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and began to pound into him. Now Jared was hitting his prostate and Jensen is so close he could cry. Somehow though he is able to hold on until after Jared reaches his orgasm but the feeling of being flooded of it tips him over the edge. After a few shallow trusts Jared stills.

            "You okay?" He whispered, running a hand up and down Jensen's arm.

            Jensen nodded dumbly.

            "You got cum on my shirt," he grumbled.

            "You got it in my ass so..."

            Jared pulled him down and kissed him. "Jensen if you..."

            "Shut up."

            "But we should..."

            "Nope."

            Jensen scrambled off of Jared. The motion of it caused a shoot pain to work its way up his leg. When he let a string of curses Jared jumped up off the floor and ran to his side.

            "You okay?"

            "Leg...hurts."

            Jared frowned. "You get up to quickly?"

            Jensen nodded.

            Jared dropped to his knees and began to massage Jensen's leg. After a few seconds Jensen let out a pleased sigh.

            "Better?"

            "Better."

            Jared stood up again and kissed Jensen lightly on the lips. "Now can we talk about it?"

            "Nothing to talk about. The doctor put me on birth control after the miscarriage so we're covered."

            "You didn't tell me that," Jared mumbled. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I didn't think about it. We were both so wrapped up in our grief that it skipped my mind."

            Jared nodded slowly. "So we're good?"

            "We're good. Now put your pants on so I can continue our tour."

______________________________________________________________________________

            "Please tell me you had sex in the car," Josh groaned as Jared and Jensen entered the kitchen.

            "We had sex in the new house. In your room," Jensen said.

            Josh gaped. He turned to Jared. "Is he telling the truth?"

            Jared shrugged.

            "And here I was hoping to move into a new room that you hadn't soiled."

            Danny walked into the kitchen rocking a crying Kelly in his arms. "Josh," he said holding the baby out to his husband.

            Josh ran over and gathered Kelly in his arms. He rocked the baby a little until her crying subsided to small hiccups. Seconds later Danny came back into the room with an equally as fussy Eben. Turning to Jared he pushed the baby into his arms and disappeared out of the room again. Seconds later he came back in with Jack.

            "What's going on?" Jensen asked as he watched then men around him.

            "Jack, Eben and Kelly are all sick," Danny told him as he attempted to rock Jack. "I think we're going to have to push the move in date again."

            Jensen nodded. He looked over at Jared as he rocked his nephew in his arms trying to calm him down. Tears began to prick at the back of his eyes as he watched the younger man with the small child. Without his consent his hands went to his stomach.

            "Jen?" Jared whispered.

            "I'm fine," he mumbled.

            "You don't look fine."

            Jensen waved a dismissive hand. "I'm good."

            Jared looked down at Eben, who was now sleeping, then back up at Jensen.

            "It's just...you look good like that. Holding a baby," Jensen told him.

            Jared nodded. "One day," he mumbled looking at the baby.

            "Yeah, one day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry Lydia is going to pop up again soon.


	21. Reveal

            Jared lifted the mattress and threw it down onto the bed frame. Straightening up he looked over at Jensen and smiled.

            "Told you I could do it all on my own," he said walking over to where Jensen stood by the door.

            "You could have let me help you," Jensen mumbled.

            "No can do. You have an injured leg and a pretty face so you're not allowed to help."

            "A pretty face? What does that have to do with moving?"

            Jared pulled Jensen into his arms. "Pretty people don't have to do their own heavy lifting."

            "Then why are you lifting things?"

            Jared threw his head back and laughed. "You calling me pretty?"

            Jensen pulled Jared's head down and kissed his lips. "I'm calling you gorgeous."

             "You're so cheesy," Jared whispered against his lips. "But you're still not helping."

            "Ugh," Jensen groaned pushing Jared away from him softly. "Fine. I guess I'll go to the store and get food or something."

            Jared pulled Jensen close to him again and kissed him. "Okay. Take Danny and the kids with you."

            "Not like I can go on my own. Still not cleared to drive."

            Jared kissed Jensen again then released him. "Have fun," he called as Jensen descended the stairs.

            "Come on pack the rugrats," Jensen said as he entered the new kitchen.

            Danny paused his unpacking to look over at Jensen. "Where are we going?"

            "Jared won't let me help unpack so we're going to the store to get food and such."

            Danny blew the hair out of his face. Sighing he turned away from his half unpacked box and started gathering the twins stuff up. "Go get Jack from his room," he said as he lifted the twins carriers from off the table.

            Jensen found Jack in the new room painstakingly trying to put all of his things away in an orderly fashion. Instead of interrupting Jensen watched him work for several minutes with a fond smile on his face.

            "Hey buddy," Jensen said after a few minutes.

            Jack whirled around to face Jensen. "Do you like my room uncle Jen?"

            Jensen walked into the room and lifted Jack into his arms. "Yeah buddy it looks good. Your papa told me to come up stairs to get you so we can go to the store."

            "Okay." Jack wiggled his way out of Jensen's arm's then left the room.

            The trip to the store seemed like it was going to be uneventful. Jack and the twins were acting like perfect children as they moved through the various aisles collecting everything they needed. They were just turning towards the produce section when Lydia came into view.

            "Jensen!" She called scurrying towards him. "It's so good to see you again."

            "Lydia," he mumbled backing away. "Nice to see you too."

            "Good to see you again Lydia," Danny deadpanned.

            Lydia looked over at Danny and sneered. Then her eyes fell on Jack. "Oh my, is this little Jack?"

            Jack looked between Lydia and Danny a few times. "I was told I'm not allowed to talk to you," he whispered.

            Lydia faked laughed at the little boy. "Well that isn't very nice. Why would you not be allowed to talk to your aunt."

            "You are not his aunt," Jensen snapped.

            "And you're not his uncle," she snapped back. "Right Danny?"

            Danny turned red and attempted to gather Jack but the little boy squirmed away so that he could look at Jensen. "You're not my uncle?" he asked quietly.

            "Of course not," Lydia laughed bitterly. "He's your daddy."

            "Lydia!" Jensen bellowed.

            "He needed to find out eventually."

            "He's barely five."

            "Papa?" Jack whispered tugging lightly on Danny's pant leg. "Is uncle Jensen really my daddy?"

            "Jack..."

            "He sure is little man," Lydia cut in. She knelt down so that she could look Jack on the face. "Before you were born your real daddy decided he didn't want you so he gave you to your papa and new daddy."

            Jack looked up at Jensen. "You didn't want me?"

            "Jack, I..."

            Danny lifted Jack up into his arms. "You are a wicked woman," he spat at Lydia before pushing the cart away.

            Jensen turned on his ex wife. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

            Lydia shrugged her shoulders. "He needed to know. You've been lying to him for far too long."

            "He's five, Lydia. You may have just ruined his life forever."

            "Or maybe I just made his life better. Now he knows the truth, Jensen. You can live happily ever after with your son like you always wanted."

            "He's not my son. Not anymore. I lost the right to call him that the moment I sighed him over to Josh and Danny. You were the one who always wanted Jack, not me. The only child I wanted was the one I miscarried two months ago."

            Lydia's face pinched up. "I thought you didn't want any children."

            "I want children Lydia, I just didn't want children with you."

            Lydia slapped Jensen across the face then stormed away. Jensen stood rooted to the spot for several minutes. Hundreds of terrible thoughts whirled through his head as he thought about facing Jack again. Eventually Danny found him standing in the same spot.

            "Where're the twins and Jack?"

            "I called Jared. He took the twins, Jack and the groceries home."

            Jensen nodded.

            "I don't blame you," Danny whispered as he lead Jensen towards the exit. "You didn't know she was going to do that."

            "How is he?"

            "Sad. Confused. But he's young so once we sit him down and explain it to him he'll understand."

            "He must think I hated him."

            "Jack could never think you hate him. You've been the greatest uncle to him that any little boy could ask for."

            Jensen nodded. They got into the car then lapsed into silence as they drove.

            "Where do we go from here?" Jensen asked when they were near the house. "How do we handle this?"

            Danny sighed heavily. "I wish I knew."

            When they pulled into the driveway of the new house Jared was sitting on the porch with the twins on either knee. Kelly was laughing while Eben was looking around at everything. When the twins saw Danny getting out of the car they both squealed happy and made grabbing hands at him. With the grace only a parent with twins had Danny picked up both babies and placed them on each hip.

            "Were they good for you?"

            Jared waved a dismissive hand. "I only had them for a few minutes. Not much trouble they can get into in that time."

            Danny laughed. "That's what you think." He turned to Jensen and smiled softly. "Everything going to be okay."

            Jensen nodded. "I hope so."

______________________________________________________________________________

            When Josh got home from work Danny informed him of what happened at the grocery store. After half an hour of him pacing the living room muttering about how he was going to kill Lydia he had Danny grab Jack so that they could sit the little boy down.

            "What do you want to know?" Josh asked Jack.

            Jack looked around the room before his eyes landed on Jensen. "Why didn't you want me?"

            Jensen sighed and grabbed onto Jared's hand. "I wasn't ready for you. I wasn't ready to raise you the way you needed. But your daddy and papa were ready so I gave you to them so that you could have a good life."

            Jack frowned. He looked between Josh and Danny then back at Jensen. "But you do love me, right?"

            "I could never not love you," Jensen told him.

            "Is Jared my other papa?"       

            "No. Jared is not related to you in any way."

            Jack nodded, trying to act grown up. "But you are my real daddy?"

            "Yes. Kind of like how Vicky is the twins real mommy I am your real daddy."

            Jack nodded again. "Is it okay if my daddy stays my daddy and you stay my uncle?"

            Jensen laughed. "Yeah buddy, that's okay."

            "Okay." Jack got up from the couch and threw himself at Jensen. After he was situated in his lap he looked up and smiled. "Love you uncle Jen."

            Jensen kissed Jack on the top of the head. "Love you too."

            Everything seemed to wind down after that. Jack cuddled with Jensen until Danny pried him off so that he could get ready for bed. Now it was just Jared and Jensen sitting on the couch staring at the TV.

            "That went reasonably well," Jared said.

            Jensen nodded. "I was afraid of how he would react. But he's a pretty good kid."

            Jared tugged on Jensen until the older man was sitting in his lap. "He take after you," he whispered into the top of his head.

            "I still can't believe she told him."

            "I can. You turned her down and she was trying to get back at you."

            "She slapped me."

            Jared leaned back so that he could look at Jensen. "Why?"

            "She told me she told Jack so that I could have him as my own. When I told her I didn't want Jack but the baby I miscarried she reminded me that when I was with her that I told her I didn't want kids."

            "So why did she slap you?"

            "Because I told her I wanted kids but I didn't want them with her."

            "The ultimate fuck you to an ex spouse," Jared whispered.

            "She would have been an awful mother. She doesn't have a caring bone in her body. I could never picture her changing a diaper on her own. I mean she didn't want to carry the baby in the first place."

            Jared moved Jensen closer to him. "I can't wait to have a baby with you."

            "I'd like to start soon," Jensen admitted.

            Jared shook his head. "I know you're broody and seeing the twins and Jack is difficult but we just barely lost the last one. Besides fourteen months of a relationship is hardly long enough to bring a baby into it."

            "This coming from the man who wanted to have a baby only a few months into our relationship."

            "Are you mad that I decided we should wait?"

            Jensen shook his head. "Not mad, just disappointed."

            Jared shifted Jensen so that he could look in his eyes. "This is it for me," he admitted. "You are it for me. I have no desire to be with anyone else. So I say that in three months if we still want to try then we try."

            "Really?"

            "Really," Jared whispered.

            "What about school?"

            "I'll be into my fourth year of schooling by the time we start and will be working towards a internship or residency before we even have a kid. I'll be fine."

            "So we're going to start trying?"

            "In three months."

            Jensen's hands dropped to his stomach. "I can't wait."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I came very close to not having Jensen get pregnant in this fic but I wanted him to have a baby and be all happy with Jared so I changed my mind. Now I am really excited to start writing pregnant Jensen. But I am going to hold out just a little bit longer for it. Strap in cause this might get long!


	22. Surprise!

The doctor removed the glove with a snap and threw it away. He turned back to Jensen with a unreadable look on his face. Jensen stilled, no longer breathing. At this very moment he wished Jared was with him. But the younger man was in class so Jensen was here alone getting the news of whether or not they can have a baby.

            "You can go ahead and put your legs down," the doctor said as he grabbed Jensen's file.

            Jensen did as he was told and settled himself on the side of the exam table. His hands were shaking so bad that he had to ball them into fists. Finally the doctor looked up at Jensen.

            "Jensen," he started. He sighed heavily before continuing. "You're pregnant."

            "What? But...but I'm on birth control."

            "The brand I put you on was recently recalled because of the wrong hormone balance for men."

            "Why wasn't I aware of this? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

            "The recall happened only a few hours ago. I was going to tell you after the exam that you needed to be careful but apparently that isn't necessary now."

             "How far along am I?"

            "I'd say about six weeks since you weren't the last time I saw you but I'd like to do an ultrasound before I say for sure."

            Jensen nodded. The doctor instructed him to lay back down as he dimmed the lights and wheeled the ultrasound machine closer to him.

            "This is going to be cold," the doctor mumbled as he spread the icy blue liquid along Jensen's stomach.

            The room went eerily silent after that. The only noise that filled it was the soft squishing noise of the liquid on his stomach. Jensen stared up at the ceiling at the picture painted on the tiles. They were all cheerful images meant to make the patient feel comfortable while the doctor worked on them. After what felt like hours but was probably only a few short minutes the doctor taped Jensen lightly on the shoulder.

            "I'd like for you to meet your baby," he said pointing to the screen.

            Jensen looked at it and squinted. He knew what he was looking at since this wasn't his first go at this but it was still surreal. In the middle of the grainy black and white image and a small grey blob. It looked almost like a sea monkey just a little bit larger. A small beating motion was happening in the middle of the blob that Jensen knew was the heart beat.

            "There's only one in there right?" Jensen asked not tearing his eyes away from the blob on the screen.

            "Only one. And I'd say you're probably into your seventh week of pregnancy. Which would mean you were a week into your pregnancy the last time I saw you but your hormones weren't strong enough yet for me to detect. Now do you want to discuss options?"

            "Options?"

            The doctor wheeled away and came back with his file. "I see here that this is your second pregnancy and that you had the first one adopted. Now are you looking to go that route again or are you think ter..."

            "I'm keeping it," Jensen snapped cutting the doctor off before he could finish his thought. "I mean.. can I keep it?"

            "You're perfectly healthy. There are no residual effects from your miscarriage and this baby is in the proper place so I don't see anything happening. I am a little concerned with how the pressure of this pregnancy will affect your leg  so I am going to keep an eye on that. Other than that you are going to be okay."

            Jensen let out the breath that he had been holding as the doctor talked. He was going to be okay. Him and his baby were going to be okay. Holy shit he was having a baby! Him and Jared were going to be parents.

            "Are you okay?"

            Jensen looked up at the doctor and nodded. "I'm fine."

            The doctor patted Jensen on the shoulder before getting up to turn the lights back on. "These," he said moving back over to the ultrasound machine, "are print outs of your baby. I suspect your partner would like to see them when you tell him the news. And this," he moved over to the work bench in the room and gathered several papers up, "are pamphlets and other information on pregnancy. I know that this isn't your first but it is for your partner and I think he'd like to read them."

            Jensen took all of the papers and tucked them close to his chest. He was still in a bit of shock over what he had just learned so he wasn't firing on all cylinders. The doctor just patted him on his shoulder and excused himself from the room after telling him to set up an appointment with the receptionist.

            After the doctor left Jensen gets dressed slowly. In a haze he walked out to the waiting room. Without saying a word h dropped down into the chair next to Danny. His brother in law looked up from Kelly to look at Jensen. When his eyes drop to the papers in Jensen's hands he gasped.

            "You're..."

            Jensen passed Danny the ultrasound without a word.

            "Jensen," Danny whispered. "Are...are you happy?"

            Jensen looked over at his brother in law and nodded.

            "You're having a baby."

            Jensen nodded again.

            "Oh my gosh you have to tell Jared! How are you going to tell him?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I haven't processed it enough to fully think that part through yet."

            "Oh God we're going to have so many children under the age of six running around out house. How in the hell are we going to survive?"

            That remark makes Jensen laugh and relax a bit. Danny laughed with him for a few seconds before pushing to his feet.

            "Come on the twins are starting to get restless and I don't want to deal with the mommies looking at me like I am torturing my babies."

            Jensen lifted Kelly's carrier and brought her over to the reception desk. After setting up another appointment Danny and Jensen, with the twins, left the office and got into the car.

            "Are you really happy? Like honest to God happy about this baby?" Danny asked him after they pulled out of the parking lot of the clinic.

            "I am. I really am."

            "I'm really happy for you, Jensen. I'm glad you made it to here."

            "God I can't believe it's almost been two years," Jensen whispered looking out the window.

            "Are you planning anything?"

            "Tom and I are going to drive down to Jerry's grave site since his is the closets."

            Danny nodded. "You taking Jared with you?"

            "We're going to do the meet the parent thing after."

            "You ready for that?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I guess I have to be. Especially now."

            Danny smiled when he saw Jensen's hand over his still flat stomach. "And Jared's gotta meet mom and dad."

            "Still weird's me out that you call them that."

            Danny shrugged. "Donna and Alan told me to call them that so I am going to call them that. Can't really deny your parents."

            "They're going to be so excited to find out their having another grandbaby."

            "They're going to be so excited that YOU are giving them a grandbaby."

            "Yeah I know."

            Danny pulled into the drive way of the house and killed the engine. Together they gathered the twins and brought them into the house. When they walked into the living room they found Josh passed out on the couch.

            "He never makes it all the way upstairs after a long shift," he said rolling his eyes.

            Jensen laughed and placed Kelly's carrier down. "If you need me I am going to take a nap."

            "Okay," Danny called out as Jensen left the room.

            Once in his bedroom Jensen hid the pamphlet and other pregnancy related things in his night side table then tucked the ultrasound picture under Jared's pillow. He laid down and closed his eyes dropping into a peaceful nap.

            Not even twenty minutes later warm arms wrapped around Jensen and pulled him backwards. Jensen snuggled back into Jared and breathed in his cologne. The younger man laughed softly and buried his face in Jensen's neck.

            "How was class?" Jensen mumbled.

            "Fine. How was your doctor's appointment."

             Jensen shrugged. "Fine."

            "So everything came back okay?"

            "Mmhmm."

            Jared snuggled closer. "Good." He kissed the back of Jensen's neck then moved away.

            Jared always flipped his pillow to the cool side before going to sleep so that was why Jensen had placed the ultrasound picture under it. When Jensen heard Jared gasp he turned to look at the younger man.

            "Jay?"

            Jared looked up at Jensen with his mouth wide open. "Our plans," he whispered.

            Jensen moved away from Jared. "You're not happy?"

            "I...how far along are you?"

            "Seven weeks."

            "Seven weeks?" Jensen could see Jared counting the days in his head. A slow smile spread across Jared face. "Seven weeks."

            "The night we had sex on this very floor."

            "But you were on birth control."

            "Which was recalled because it didn't have the right amount of hormones in it."

            "Told you we should have used a condom."

            "I used a condom with Bennett Lynn and ended up with Jack. So I don't think condoms would have stopped it. If I am going to have kids it's because the protection was faulty."

            "I know but still..."

            "So you're not happy?"

            Jared pulled Jensen closer to him. "Of course I am happy. I'm just in shock, you know? We had this whole thing planned out and now this."

            "But happy, right?"

            Jared kissed Jensen. "Yeah, I'm happy."

            "Ever though it is two month ahead of schedule."

            "Even though its two months ahead of schedule," Jared told him.

            "So you want to keep it? Cause if you do you'll be stuck with me for like, ever."

            "Worse things could happen in my life."

            They lapsed into silence as Jared stared down at the ultrasound picture. After a few minutes he looked up at Jensen with a smile; dimples on display full force.

            "We're having a baby," he whispered, kissing Jensen softly.

            "Yeah, we are."

            When they made love that night it was slow and careful. Jensen knew Jared was aware that he couldn't hurt him but he let his boyfriend rock into his slowly as he kissed his face lovingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My muse ran away with me on this one. I was going to have Jensen get a clean bill of health and then have some sexy baby making time and instead this came out. Please don't hate on me too much.


	23. MNaNS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny bit of fluff to get you through.

If Jensen thought Jared was handsy after the miscarriage it was nothing compared to how was now that Jensen is pregnant. The younger man always had some part of his body attached to Jensen's. When they were out and about Jared was always holding his hands, had his hand wrapped around his waist, or possessively placed on his ass. In private his hands are all over Jensen. Even when Jensen was bent over the toilet with MNaNS (morning, noon, and night sickness because he refused to call it "morning sickness) the younger man is with him.

            "You okay?" Jared asked as Jensen spit into the toilet.

            Jensen groaned and leaned back into Jared. There was nothing in his stomach, hadn't been anything almost all week. Every time he tried to eat something he found himself throwing it right back up. He was thin, pale, and extremely uncomfortable.

            "That good huh?" Jared joked.

            "I feel like I am reenacting the scene from _The Exorcist_."

            "You haven't been projectile vom..."

            "Finish that sentence and I will," Jensen groaned.

            "Is this normal? I mean, I know woman get sick a lot when they're pregnant, but is it normal for you to be this sick? When was the last time you ate something and kept it down?"

            Jensen shrugged. "Last week?"

            "You haven't had a proper meal in a week?" Jared jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. Seconds later he returned with one of the pregnancy books that he bought. He was silent as he flipped through the pages.

            "What does it say?" Jensen asked.

            Jared held up a finger and flipped the page to continue reading. When he was done he sighed heavily and looked up. "There is almost nothing we can do," he said. "Its common and should taper off towards the beginning of your second trimester. On the bright side though we're probably having a girl."

            "What makes you say that?"

            "According to this book increased nausea means you're carrying a girl."

            Jensen hummed softly and leaned back into Jared again. "What do you want it to be?"

            Jared brought his hand up to rest on Jensen's still flat stomach. "Healthy?"

            "Come on that's a cop out. If it was up to you, like you had to actually chose the gender of your baby through a machine, what would you chose?"

            "A little girl. With your eyes and my hair. Actually no. I want a little girl who looks exactly like you."

            "Why?"

            "Because Jack is the cutest little boy in the world and if a little boy that is half you looks like that then a little girl would be a heartbreaker."

            "Would you still love it if wasn't a carbon copy of me?"

            "You kidding me? I could love this baby no matter what."

            "Good," Jensen huffed.

            "Are you mad at me?" Jared asked moving away to look Jensen in the face.

            "No."

            "Yes, you are."

            "No, I am not!" Jensen protested. He removed himself from Jared's arms and stood up.

            "Where are you going?" Jared yelled from the bathroom floor.

            "Somewhere where I can be hormonal," Jensen shouted back.

            As he left their bedroom and entered the hallway he could hear Jared laughing at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't really think of anything to write but this came out and I decided to post it.


	24. Shining moment

Jensen couldn't feel his hand. He looked over to grimace at Jared hoping that the younger man would get the hint to loosen his iron grip. Instead he squeezed it just a little bit tighter before releasing it all together.

            "Did you guy want to see your baby?" The doctor asked as he wheeled the ultrasound machine closer to Jensen.

            Jared nodded his head frantically. "I've been excited for this all week," he admitted.

            "Calm down you over sized puppy," Jensen muttered.

            Jared absolutely beamed at Jensen. "I will not calm down," he teased. "This is my shining moment."

            "You shining moment? I'm the one carrying the baby."

            "Yes but I AM the one who put it there. I did all the work."

            "And I'll be doing all the hard work for the next several months."

            "You're right, you win."

            Jensen laced his fingers with Jared's and sighed. "Just try not to break my hand during it okay?"

            "No promises," he whispered as he bent down to kiss Jensen.

            The doctor chuckled softly to himself before starting the machine up. He spread the cold gel across Jensen's stomach and hummed softly to himself while he moved the wand around. Eventually he made an 'ah' noise and pointed to the screen.

            "There is your little one," he said indicating the small blob on the screen.

            Jensen heard Jared gasp beside him but he couldn't remove his eyes from the screen. The blob now looked kind of like a little human being. It now had little hands and feet attached to the tadpole like arms and legs and a more pronounced head. It was also moving tiny movements in the middle of the screen. 

            "It no longer looks like a sea monkey," he heard Jared say.

            "You mentioned problems with extreme nausea correct?" The doctor asked drawing Jensen attention to him.

            "Yes. Why?"

            "The measurements of the baby just seem a little small which is common in pregnancies where the mother experiences high amount of morning sickness."

            "But...but the baby is okay right?"

            "Like I said it is a little small but otherwise it is looking good. I'm going to prescribe you some anti-nausea pills so that we can combat it and hopefully get the baby to grow a tiny bit more."

            Jared squeezed Jensen's hand and bent down to kiss his forehead. "The baby is okay," he whispered in his ear.

            "Now because you are still in your first trimester I still want you to call if you feel any abnormal pains, okay?"

            "Okay," Jensen agreed.

            The doctor smiled down at Jensen. "I'm just going to take a few more measurements and then you can get cleaned up."

            Jensen looked up at Jared. "You doing okay up there?"

            "I'm great," Jared mumbled not looking away from the screen.

            "You sure?"

            "I..."

            Jared's response was broken off by the sound of a tiny heartbeat. His eyes tore away from the screen so that he could look down at Jensen.

            "That's..."

            "That is your babies heartbeat," the doctor confirmed. "Nice and strong even for the size of the baby."

            "So everything is okay?"

            "Everything is okay."

            And that was when Jensen started crying. Not full on sobbing but a few tears slipping down his face and pooling onto his neck. His baby was okay. THEIR baby was okay.

            "Our baby is okay," he whispered.

            Jared bent down and wiped the tears away. "Yeah it is," Jared whispered. The younger man kissed Jensen on the forehead. "You're amazing, you know that?"

            "No I'm not," he muttered.

            "Look," he said pointing to the screen where their baby was moving around on the screen. "You're growing that right now. You're growing our baby. You are the most amazing person in the world."

            "Am not," he muttered again trying to pull away from Jared.

            "Hey now," Jared whispered gently moving Jensen's face around to look at him. "To me you are. You are the greatest."

            "You're just saying that."

            "And I mean it."

            The doctor cleared his throat bringing their attention back to him. "I'm sorry to disturb your moment but I am done with my exam and I thought that maybe you would want to get the gel off of your stomach."

            Jensen nodded and took the offered towel to clean off his stomach. Once he was clean he sit up and pulls his shirt back down. His pants are getting a little snug so he struggled with them for a moment before the button finally does up. Jared helps him sit up which caused the doctor to give him a look.

            "Is your leg bothering you?" The doctor asked.

            "A little," Jensen admitted. "But it really isn't that bad. I think it's just because of the weather."

            "As I told you at our last appointment I am concerned about how the weight you are going to be putting on will affect your leg. I want to monitor it just in case."                         

            "What would I have to do if it does?"

            "You might be looking at bed rest the further along you get."

            Jensen nodded sadly.

            "I know it sucks but I just want to make sure that you have a healthy and comfortable pregnancy."

            "I know. I just hate that I am still so limited."

            Jared squeezed Jensen's hand softly. "It's gonna be okay."

            "Is there anything else we should discuss?"

            "I think we covered everything earlier."

            "Okay then," the doctor said clapping his hands. "I'll just write your prescription and then you two can be on your way."

            "Can we get a print out? I wanted to show my parents this weekend when we go to see them."

            "Of course," the doctor said handing Jared the ultrasound pictures. "Don't forget to set up another appointment with the receptionist on your way out."

            "Thank you," Jared called out as the doctor left the room.

            Jensen tugged Jared closer to him. "Hey," he whispered against Jared's shoulder.

            "Hey."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            "I'm scared."

            "What?" Jared moved Jensen an arm's length away so that he could look him in the eyes. "Why are you scared?"

            "What if I mess up again?"

            "Jensen," Jared sighed. "You didn't mess up the first time. We lost that baby because of its placement not because of you. And you heard the doctor; this one is healthy."

            "He said it's small," Jensen reminded him.

            "Small does not equal problems. You'll start taking the anti-nausea pills and you and our little one will start gaining more weight."

            Jensen moved closer to Jared and nodded against his shoulder.

            Jared stepped back and tugged softly on Jensen's hand. "Come on, we've got to go home and start packing for the trip."

            "Jared?"

            "Yeah Jen?"

            "Thank you."

            Jared stopped walking and turned to look at Jensen. "For what?"

            "For everything."

            The younger man nodded. "No need to thank me, Jen. I love you and I will continue to do everything and anything in my power to make you happy."

            "Anything?"

            Jared smirked. "Anything."

            Jensen moved closer and molded himself against Jared. "Even getting me a vanilla milkshake and French fries?"

             "You going to be able to keep them down?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I just know that your baby wants them and I just want to make it happy."

            "My baby, huh?"

            "Yes, your baby."

            "Fine," Jared mock sighed. "I guess we can get you that."

            "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"

            "Yes but you could repeat it..."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            A nurse walked up to them and gave them a little smile. "Your doctor asked me to give this to you Mr. Ackles," she said handing Jensen him prescription slip.

            "Thank you."

            "No problem." She blushed before adding: "You two are a very cute couple. I just know that your baby is going to be perfect."

            Jensen couldn't help but blush. "I...thanks."

            "No problem. I hope you have a safe and smooth pregnancy once your morning sickness wears off."

            Jared smiled brightly at the nurse, his dimples on full display. "You too," he said indicating her slightly rounded stomach. "How far along are you?"

            "Five months," she said running her hand along her stomach. "He's my first. How many do you two have?"

            "This is our first."

            "How sweet," she gushed. When a beeping noise sounded from the nurses pocket she smiled sheepishly. "I've got to go. It was nice chatting with you two."

            "Hope to see you again," Jared called to her as she rushed down the hallway.

            "She was sweet," Jensen said as they started back down the hallway.

            "Yeah she was. Now what were we discussing?"

            "You getting me French fries and a milkshake."

            "Yes, of course. But first you must set up the next appointment so that I can stare at my little prince or princess."

            "Why don't you just buy an ultrasound machine?"

            Jared stopped walking and turned to look at Jensen. "You are a genius!"

            "I was kidding."

            "But it is a perfect idea! I know how to use one already so I wouldn't have to learn and..."

            Jensen pulled Jared closer to him and kissed him. "No ultrasound machine," she said against his lips."

            "But..."

            "No. Ultrasound. Machine."

            "Fine," Jared huffed, "no ultrasound machine."

            "Good boy," Jensen said stepping away from Jared. "Now let's make that appointment then get me my snack."

            An hour later Jensen was eating French fries and dipping them in his milkshake when Josh walked in. The older man stopped dead in his track and looked at Jensen with a funny look on his face.

            "What are you doing?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I was hungry."

            "Thought you were feeling nauseas all the time?"

            "The baby is being nice to me today," Jensen said running a hand down his belly. "Besides I've got anti-nausea medication that the doctor put me on so that is helping too."

            "So basically we get to look forward to weird ass cravings now?"

            "Yup," Jensen said as he popped another milkshake covered fry into his mouth. "Do you want some?"

            "No thank you," Josh said.

            Jensen just shrugged and went back to eating his snack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little disappointed with myself that this isn't a long update. I have no real excuse because I didn't real do much the last two days so I feel like this should be longer. I hope you enjoy it anyways though.


	25. Remember me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex, angst, and baby names.

"Why can't I help?" Jensen whined as he sat on the bed watching Jared pack.

            "No strenuous activity," Jared said as he placed another shirt into the suitcase.

            "Packing is not strenuous activity, Jared," Jensen whined.

            "Now that you are eating properly you are going to start putting on weight which will affect your leg. I'm just trying to help cut down on that."

            "Ugh," he groaned laying down on the bed. "Stop mother henning me."

            Jared put down the shirt that he was refolding and moved towards the bed. He laid down next to Jensen, pulling him against his chest.

            "I want you to have a safe, healthy pregnancy."

            "I can pack a suitcase, Jared. I am pregnant not invalid."

            Jared huffed and rolled away from Jensen. The younger man stood up and went back to packing without saying a word. After a few minutes of silence he threw the shirt he had been refolding down and turned to look at Jensen.

            "Why are we going out of town Jensen?" He asked.

            "To visit the grave of my friend and meet your parents."

            "And how did your friend die?"

            "In a bombing...Jared I don't understand."

            "Your friend died in a bombing. In that same bombing you nearly died; one that you got critically hurt in. If you had died that," he pointed to Jensen slightly rounded stomach, "would  not be happening. We," he gestured between the two of them, "would not have happened. So I am sorry that I am mother henning you because I want us to be able to see this pregnancy through and that you get through it with minimal problems."

            "Jared, I..."

            "I've gotta get some air," Jared mumbled rushing out of the room.

            Jensen was still staring at the space Jared had just left when the younger man came storming back into the room. Jared slammed the door closed then came marching over to the bed and dropped down in front of Jensen.

            "What're you..."

            The question was cut off when Jared smashed his face against Jensen's in a messy kiss. Their teeth clicked against each other and it was slightly painful at first but then Jared took over the kiss. He lowered Jensen down onto the bed and blanketed him with his body. Jensen moaned softly and surrendered completely to Jared as the younger man started to thrust his tongue in and out of his mouth.

            "Jared," Jensen moaned.

            Jared finally pulled back from Jensen. "You understand me now?"

            "I, fuck, yeah. But I think I need..."

            Jared moved down Jensen's body and unzipped his pants and pulled them down around his thighs. Within seconds Jensen's cock was enveloped by wet heat. When his hips tried to buck up Jared held him down with one hand while the other circled around his hole.

            "Lube?" Jensen pleaded right as Jared started to push a finger into him.

            With an obscene wet popping noise Jared removed his mouth and scrambled for the bedside table. He scrambled around in the drawer but judging by the 'aha' noise he made he found it. Moving quickly he removed most of his clothing, lubed up his fingers and got back to what he was doing before.

            "Ugh, Jay, please," Jensen whined after half an hour. Jared has worked him open and then some. He is so close to coming it is almost painful but the younger man is keeping him right on the cusp.

            Jared looked up at Jensen through his eyelashes and took him just a little bit deeper. Jensen can feel the younger mans throat working against the tip of his cock and it feels so good that he is going to come but then Jared removed his mouth and fingers.

            "Jay," he whined. "I get it okay? I do and I am sorry."

            Jared smiled devilishly, slicked himself up and slammed into Jensen. The older man let out a moan so filthy he knew that it would put a porn star to shame. A few deep, prostate hitting thrusts later Jensen was coming hard in between them.

            "You close?" Jensen whispered as Jared continued to slam into him.

            Jared nodded. He was sweaty and breathing heavily but Jensen could tell that the younger man was trying to draw this out as much as he could. That fact only solidified more when Jared reached between them and started jacking Jensen off back to full hardness.

            "Gonna, ugh, gonna make you come one more time," Jared grunted.

            Jared kissed Jensen's face and slowed down his pace. He kissed around Jensen's face, his neck, his shoulders. He ran his tongue along his scars on his shoulder then peppered the ones on his face with kisses.

            "I love you," he whispered against Jensen's shoulder.

            "I love you too."

            Finally Jensen comes for the second time with Jared close behind him. After catching his breath Jared rolled off of Jensen and kissed his shoulder softly.

            "You mean everything to me," he whispered against the scarred flesh. "This baby mean everything to me."

            "I know."

            "Then will you please just indulge my craziness?"

            "Of course."

            Jared sighed. "Thank you."

            "Jay?" Jensen whispered.

            "Hmm?" Jared hummed sleepily.

            "You need to finish packing."

            Jared groaned and rolled off the bed. With half lidded eyes and searched around the room until he found his discarded pants and pulled them back on. Jensen fell asleep to the sound of Jared cursing at a shirt he couldn't get to fold properly.

______________________________________________________________________________

            If there was any type of weather that fit a day like today the heavy rain fall was it. Jensen stood next to Jerry's headstone, lightly running his hand over the edge of it. Jared stood next to him holding an umbrella over the both of them. On the other side Tom placed a bouquet of flowers on the ground.

            "He buddy," he heard Tom whisper to the gravestone.

            Jensen could hear Jared say something to Tom but he felt like he was hundreds of miles away. He could feel his breath quickening and his hands becoming sweaty. Desperate to ground himself he dropped his hands from the gravestone and framed his stomach.

            "Jensen?" Jared whispered moving closer to him. "You okay?"

            "I think maybe this was a mistake."

            "Why?"

            "I feel guilty, Jared. I feel like..."

            "Like it should be you?"

            "Yes."

            Jared moved away from Jensen bringing the umbrella with him. The rain was now soaking Jensen causing his clothes to feel too tight, too restricting. A chill was starting to make its way through him and he feared that he would catch a cold and cause damage to the baby.

            "Jared," he whispered moving closer.

            With his shirt now sticking to him his baby bump was on full display. Jared's eyes dropped from Jensen's face to the bump and moved forward quickly so that he could cover him with the umbrella again. He passed the umbrella so that he could remove his jacket and throw it over Jensen's shoulders.

            "I'm sorry," Jensen whispered.

            Jared moved forward and pulled Jensen into his arms. "No I'm sorry. I should have realized that this would be triggering for you."

            "It helps too. In its own way."

            Jensen jumped when a hand fell onto his shoulder. Looking over he saw that Tom had moved closer.

            "Jerry would be upset if he knew you were thinking this way," he told him. "That old man was a solider through and through and he knew what he was getting himself into. All of this guilt would just piss him off."

            "But he had kids..."

            "And you've got a little guy and the one on the way. You might not be raising Jack but you are still an important part of his life. A main role that he needs."

            Jensen looked down at his baby bump and rubbed it softly. "I thought I was doing so well with this, you know?"

            "It's only been two years Jensen, this is going to take you some more time. It's not a quick fix. Some days you're going to be fine and other days something is going to trigger you."

            Jensen moved around Tom so that he could put his hand on the gravestone again. "I miss you buddy," he whispered.

            The sound of small children shouting caught all of their attention and they looked around until they found the source. Walking down the hill was a petite woman with three little girls running around her while she struggled to carry twin carriers and an umbrella. Jared frowned at the scene then passed Jensen the umbrella so that he could run up and help Jerry's wife.

            "Hi," Jared said walking up to the woman. "I'm Jared Padalecki."

            Jerry's wife, Tina, gave Jared a watery smile. "It's nice to meet you."

            "Do you need any help?"

            She nodded and passed the umbrella over. "Thank you," she whispered.

            Jared followed close behind her as she moved down the hill and came to a stop in front of the grave. She called the three little girls over to her and gripped their hands in hers as she whispered to them. The three men listened to her as she told stories about their father and how brave he was. When she came to the end, the story of his death, she looked up at Jensen.

            "Jensen," she said turning her attention from the little girls to him. "How have you been?"

            Jensen's hands dropped to his stomach. "I've been taking it one day at a time."

            "How far along are you?"

            "Thirteen weeks."

            "Is the baby moving yet?"

            Jensen nodded. "It still feels surreal. I couldn't get used to it during my first pregnancy and I don't think I will during this one either."

            Tina moved from under the umbrella to join Jensen under his. She placed a hand on his stomach, cupping the small bump.

            "You look beautiful," she whispered to him.

            "Thank you."

            "He would be happy to know that you are doing so well," she informed him. "Jerry loved you and Dan and Hank like his own brothers. He would be so happy to know that you survived."

            "You don't hate me?"

            "Hate you? Why would I hate you?"     

            "Because I survived and your husband didn't."

            "Jensen," she whispered moving closer to him. "I could never hate you. You didn't do anything to warrant hatred."

            "I don't think Hank or Dan's wives would feel the same way."

            "None of us hate you Jensen. The only people we hate are the ones who placed the bomb that killed our husbands."

            A shrill cry rang through the air and Tina turned to look at her twins. Swearing softly she ran back over to the carriers and lifted one of the little boys out.

            "Who is this little guy?" Tom asked as he moved closer to Tina.

            "This," she said moving so that Tom could see the little boy, "is Hank Daniel."

            "What is his twins name?" Tom asked, crouching down so he could look at the other boy.

            "Jerry Jr."

            "Hello there," Tom whispered.

            "You named him after Hank and Dan?"

            "Yes," she said. "And Jerry Jr. middle name is Jensen."

            "I...why?"

            "Because you three meant a lot to my husband and I wanted to honor that."

            Jared sighed loudly. "Well you stole my idea for baby names," he joked.

            Tina turned and gave Jared a smile. "I bet you two will have a little girl anyways."

            "Why do you say that?"

            Tina shrugged, cuddling her son closer to her. "Just a feeling."

______________________________________________________________________________

            The eight of them went to dinner together before going their separate ways.  After many hugs and promises to keep in touch Jared and Jensen climbed into their car and headed towards the hotel they were staying in.

            "You feeling okay?" Jared asked when they were laying in bed together.

            "I feel better now that I talked to Tina."

            "Were you really afraid that she would hate you?"

            "I survived. Her husband didn't. Now she's raising five children on her own. I would hate me."

            Jared snuggled closer to Jensen. "You surviving was a miracle. No one can hate you for that."

            Jensen hummed and closed his eyes. "I have a name for the baby," he said.

            "Already?"

            "Yes." He turned in Jared's arms and looked at him. "Alex."

            "Alex?"

            "Alexandra for a girl and Alexander for a boy. I want something to call the baby."

            Jared kissed Jensen on the tip of the nose. "Alex it is."

            "Really?"

            "Really."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            They fell into silence for a while until Jared cupped Jensen stomach lightly and said: "I want to pick the middle names though."

            "I wouldn't dream of it going any other way."

 


	26. First meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen meets Jared parents for the first time.

Jensen was pretty sure he was going to have a panic attack. Which would be really embarrassing considering they were standing on Jared's parents doorstep. He could hear footsteps approaching the door which caused his to grab Jared's hand in a death grip.

            "Ow," Jared whispered.

            "Freaking out," he whispered back.

            Jared turned to him and cupped his cheeks in his hands. "You're okay," he whispered. "We're okay. Everything is okay."

            "What if they hate me?"

            "My family will not hate you," he informed him. "They will love you just as much as I love you."

            "But..."

            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen on the lips. "They will love you." Reaching down Jared placed a hand on Jensen's stomach. "They will love you even more when they find out about little Alex."

            Jensen let out a slow, hitching breath.

            "Don't cry," Jared whispered. "Why are you crying?"

            "What if they aren't excited about Alex? What if they get angry that I am pregnant and hate me and Alex?"

            "No one can hate Alex," Jared said. "And my parents won't be angry about your pregnancy. They will be happy. My parent's will be ecstatic. Do you know how long they have been waiting for grandbabies?"

            "But you're supposed to be in school and..."

            Jared bent down and kissed Jensen. "Everything is okay to be okay. I promise."

            The door swung open then and Jared and Jensen jumped away from each other. The moment Jared left his arms he was replaced with a short woman who pulled him into a fierce hug.

            "It's so good to finally meet you," she said into his chest. "Jared has been telling me so much about you." The woman stepped back and looked Jensen over. "You seem thin." She turned to Jared. "Why is he so thin?"

            Jared shrugged. "That's just his body type?"

            She looked back at Jensen. "No, no there is something about this type of thin," she mused. She took a step back so that she could see all of Jensen. "You're thin but you have some belly to you..." The woman turned to Jared. "Jared Tristan Padalecki why didn't you tell me?"

            "Tell you what ma?"

            "That you were expecting my first grandbaby?" She asked.

            Jared looked between Jensen and his mother. "Ma...we...I..."

            "We wanted to wait to tell you until my first trimester was over, ma'am," Jensen told her.

            Jared's mother turned to Jensen. "None of that ma'am stuff. You're family. Call me mom, or Sherri; which ever make you more comfortable."

            "Ma?"

            Sherri turned to Jared. "Yes Jared?"

            "Can we go inside? It's kind of cold out here and I don't like Jensen standing for long periods of time."

            Sherri jumped. "Of course, of course," she said. She grabbed onto Jensen hand and tugged him lightly into the house. "Let's get you into the living room and into a nice comfy chair."

            Jensen looked behind him and saw Jared smiling at him. Giving a small smile back Jensen followed Jared's mother into the living room and settled down into a chair. Sherri disappeared into another room then came back with a tray full of cookies and cake.

            "You are far too thin for my liking," she said passing Jensen a plate of cake. "Have you been having terrible morning sickness?"

            "I was but my doctor put me on some anti-nausea because it was causing the baby to measure on the smaller size."

            "Oh dear," Sherri gasped sinking down into the couch next to him. "But other than that the baby looked okay? No residual effects of the miscarriage?"

            "None that he can see," Jared said as he walked into the room. His eyes focused in on the cookies and cake and he rushed forward.

            "Jared use a plate," Sherri scolded as he shoveled cookie after cookie into his mouth.

            "Sorry ma," he said around a mouth full of cookie.

            "Will you just sit down?"

            Jared plopped down next to Jensen. "You wanna see little Alex?" He asked as he rummaged through his pocket.

            "Alex? How far along are you Jensen?"

            "Thirteen weeks. I...we decided to name the baby Alex so that we didn't have to keep calling it 'it'."

            When Jared finally got the ultrasound picture out of his pocket Sherri grabbed it. "Look at this little baby," she cooed to the picture. "Alex's bone structure looks good. I can see that their nose bone is developing which is good. I can see what you mean by being a little on the small size. How did Alex's heart beat sound?"

            "The doctor said it sounded normal."

            "And the baby is in the proper place?"

            "Everything is fine. Jensen and Alex are fine."

            "How about you Jensen? How is the leg?"

            "Good."

            "No problem with any aches or pains?"

            "Nope."

            "Ma?"

            "Yes Jared?"

            "We're not here for an exam."

            Sherri laughed. "Sorry, sorry. Sometimes I go right into nurse mode. I'll stop."

            "So, where's dad?" Jared asked.

            "He's around here somewhere. I think he might be hiding."

            "Hiding? Is everything okay?"

            "Everything is fine. You know your father."

            Jared stood. "I'm going to go find him."

            "He'll probably be in his study," Sherri called after her son.

            "Why would Mr. Padalecki be hiding?"

            Sherri turned to Jensen. "My husband doesn't like to scare new people with his scars."

            Jensen gestured to his face. "I think I can deal."

            "I don't mean to pry but..."

            "Jared never told you?"

            Sherri shook her head.

            "Road side bomb two years ago. I was the only survivor."

            "Oh dear," Sherri whispered.

            "How long were you in the VA hospital?" A man asked Jensen as he entered the room.

            "Three months. After that I spent another three in rehab and extensive therapy," Jensen told him.

            Jared's father walked into the room. "Nightmares?"

            "Almost every night."

            "Flash backs?"

            "Not very frequent but they happened."

            "Panic attacks?"

            "Nearly had one before I walked into the door today."

            The older man walked closer to Jensen. "Therapy?"

            "I used to go several times a week but not a only go three or four times a month."

            "It's good to meet you Jensen."

            "It's good to meet you too Mr. Padalecki."

            "Call me Gerry."

            Jensen stood so that he could shake the older man's hand. "Good to meet you Gerry."

            "How far along are you?" Gerry asked.

            "How'd you know?"

            "Ultrasound picture in my wife's hand."

            Jensen laughed softly. "I am thirteen weeks along."

            "They have chosen to name the baby Alex," Sherri informed him.

            Gerry hummed softly. "Is this your first?"

            "Second. I had a son before I enlisted but my brother adopted him. His names Jack."

            "So you get to experience all the firsts with Jared?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "You're in for well hell of a ride."

            Jared laughed and slapped his father on the shoulder gently. "Told you you had no reason to fear Jensen," he told him.

            "I guess you were right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post. The original version of this got deleted when my computer decided to freeze up and basically crash so I had to start all over again.


	27. Heart to heart

Jensen was sitting in Gerry's study with the older man when a young girl walked in. Her hair was pulled back from her face and she looked way too much like Jared to not be his sister. She squealed and ran to sit in her father's lap.

            "Hey sweetheart," Gerry mumbled into the girls hair. "How are you?"

            "I'm great. Still just glad to be home."

            "How is Henry?"

            The girl shrugged. "The same. He's still upset that we couldn't coordinate our leaves together."

            Feeling like he was interrupting a moment Jensen attempted to stand so that he could leave the room. Too bad his leg decided that it was going to cramp at that moment causing him to fall back down into the chair with a loud 'umf'.

            "Are you okay?" The girl asked, rushing to stand in front of Jensen.

            "Leg cramp," he mumbled.

            "Do you need any help?"

            Jensen waved her off. "Two years of pain has taught me how to deal with it."

            The girl looked back at her mother then at Jensen. "You're Jensen?"

            "Yeah."

            "Oh, oh!" The girl jumped and moved even closer to Jensen. "I am the rudest person in the whole entire world. I'm Megan, Jared's little sister."

            "Nice to meet you Megan," Jensen said as he finally managed to rise from the chair.

            Megan's smile faulted. "You're..."

            "Pregnant? Yeah, thirteen weeks."

            The younger woman turned to her father. "Why wasn't I informed of this? I could have brought a gift."

            Gerry shrugged. "They didn't tell us. Your mom guessed when they showed up earlier."

            "Jared didn't tell mom?"

            "I asked him not too," Jensen told her. "I wanted to be through the first trimester before we started telling people."

            Megan nodded. "Do you have an ultrasound picture of it? I'd love to see my niece or nephew."

            "Alex," Gerry corrected.

            "Huh?"

            Jensen scratched the back of his neck. "We, um, we named the baby Alex. I didn't like calling my baby 'it'."

            "Oh. Alex?" She said like she was trying it out. "I like it. What is it short for?"

            "Alexandra and Alexander."

            "Do you have middle names yet?"

            "No but your brother is coming up with them. I think he is waiting until we know the baby's gender."

            Megan nodded. "So, ultrasound picture?"

            "I think your mom still has it."

            Megan squealed and ran out of the room.

            "She is such a bundle of energy," Gerry said.

            "Is this her first niece or nephew?"

            "No Jared's older brother Jeff has two kids but they live in Colorado. Whenever he gets the chance to visit us on leave he usually doesn't bring them. I haven't seen my grandkids in a few years."

            Jensen nodded. "What branch is she?"

            "Army like I was. Jeff' Marines."

            "Who's Henry?"

            "Her fiancé. He's in the Air Force."

            "So basically all of the branches of military are covered in this family?"

            Gerry moved forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. "I tried," he said with a deep sigh.

            "Tried? To do what?"

            "Convince my kids not to join the military."

            "Why?"

            "I didn't want my children ending up like me. My PTSD nearly ruined me and the thought of anything like that happening to my children scares me. I was relieved the day Jared told me he didn't want to join the military."

            "But you're proud of them, right?"

            Gerry sat back in his chair. "I will always be proud of my children. Nothing will change that."

            Jensen nodded. "I'm glad Jared isn't in the military," he whispered running his hand along his stomach.

            "You excited? To be a father?"

            "I am so excited. And scared."

            "Why?"

            "I know there is a smaller chance of miscarriage now that I am out of the first trimester but I can't help but feel like something might happen. Nothing in my life has been happy, why would this be too?"    

            "You religious?"

            "I go to church every Sunday."

            Gerry leaned forward again. "Then have faith that whoever you believe is watching over you will let you have this."

            "I pray every night that He will."

            "You get Jared to go with you?"

            Jensen nodded. "Ever since the miscarriage."

            "You too will get through this. I grantee there will be some rocky moments but you will have little Alex and everything, all of your worries and fears, will be for not."

            "I see where Jared gets his optimism from."

             Gerry shrugged and sat back in his chair again. "With everything I have seen it pays to be a little optimistic."

______________________________________________________________________________

            After a pleasant dinner with the Padalecki family Jared brought an extremely tired Jensen up to be. The younger man helped him out of his clothes and into bed before moving back towards the door.

            "Where are you going?" Jensen mumbled into the pillow.

            "Back down stairs to say goodnight to my parents. I'll be right back up."

            Jensen waved a dismissive hand at Jared and went back to trying to get comfortable. He heard Jared leave the room with a chuckle as he twisted and turned in the sheets. Finally he found a position he liked and settled down. After a few minutes of peaceful moments in between sleep and being awake Jensen felt it. A soft little fluttering in his abdomen. Bolting upright he place a hand on his stomach.

            "Jensen?" Jared whispered.

            Jensen jumped and looked over to see Jared standing next to the bed. When Jensen didn't respond he crawled into bed so that he could sit next to him.

            "Jen? Talk to me. Is everything okay?"

            "I felt...I felt Alex move," he whispered.

            Jared frowned. "Already? All the books said you couldn't feel the baby move until around weeks sixteen."

            "But I felt Alex. I swear it was Alex."

            Jared pulled his phone out of his pocket and started taping away at it. Finally after a few minutes of silence a small spilt his face.

            "It was Alex," he whispered. "Second time parents generally feel the movement sooner because they know what it feels like."

            Jensen rubbed his hand up and down his stomach. "She's so active."

            "She?"

            Shrugging, Jensen pulled his shirt up so that he could look at his small bump. "I feel like Alex is a girl."

            Jared scooted closer and placed a hand on Jensen exposed stomach. "So little Alexandra?"

            "I believe so."

            "She still moving?"

            Jensen nodded. "I remember this feeling with Jack. I was about twenty weeks along when I felt him for the first time. I freaked out. It was almost too much to handle."

            "And how do you feel now?"

            Jensen looked over at Jared with tears in his eyes. "I'm so relieved. I saw her on the screen and I know that she is okay but Jared she really is okay. Like actually okay."

            Jared pulled Jensen into his arms and kissed him on the top of the head. "I never thought I'd ever be happy to see you cry," he whispered. 

            "It's the hormones."

            "I know."

            "But I am happy. I'm so happy this is happening; that we get the chance to do this. Thank you."

            "For what?"

            "For sticking with me all those months ago. You could have just given up on me but you didn't. You stayed."

            "I'm happy I did. I so happy that I did."

            "Yeah?"

            Jared kissed Jensen on the lips. "Absolutely."

            Jensen twisted in Jared's arms and deepened the kiss. Slowly Jared laid back, bring Jensen down with him to lay across his chest. When Jensen moaned he swallowed it down then moaned back. He rolled his hips against Jensen's thigh so that the older man could feel his thickening length.

            "Jared," Jensen moaned.

            "I love you," Jared whispered. He broke away and kissed Jensen neck.

            "I love your mouth."

            Jared chuckled as he continued to suck bruises into Jensen's neck. "I thought you were tired."

            "I am exhausted and horny. They are literally the only two things I feel now a days."

            "Do you want to continue?"

            "I'd love too but..."

            "But you want to go to sleep?"

            Jensen nodded. "Not to mention I don't want to risk your parents hearing us."

            Jared chuckled into Jensen's neck. "You're already pregnant. I think they around know we're having sex."

            "Just because they know doesn't mean they have to hear. Besides I want you dad to like me."

            "He does like you."

            "How do you know?"

            "He told me when I went down stairs earlier to say goodnight. Told me I picked a good one and that I should hold onto you."

            "I like your dad. He's really smart."

            Jared moved Jensen so that he was laying on the bed. "I'm glad you are getting along with my family."

            "Were you afraid that I wouldn't?"

            "I was afraid you would never get the nerve to meet them," Jared admitted.

            "I would have had to meet them eventually."

            "When we first started dating you used to get panic attacks just thinking about meeting them. You were convinced they wouldn't like you. Back then you were nowhere close to being this confident and I thought I was looking at several years before we got here."

            "Would that have been a deal breaker?:

            Jared kissed Jensen on the forehead. "Nothing is a deal breaker with us."

            "Nothing?"

            "I love you too much."

            "You're amazing."

            "I know."

            "No really, you're the greatest person ever. Patient and strong and determined. I don't think I would be where I am in my life without you."

            "Yeah?"

            "Absolutely."

            The two of them lapsed into silence for a little bit. Finally Jared turned to look at Jensen.

            "If I asked you to marry me what would you say?"

            "No."

            A flash of hurt made its way across Jared's features. "No?"

            Jensen shimmied closer to Jared. "I don't want to marry you Jared."

            "Why not?"

            "It has nothing to do with how much I love you because God knows I love you. It has to do with me."

            "Is this about Lydia?"

            "No. I've tried marriage Jay. I tried that and it didn't out. You and me though, we work out. Just like this."

            "And I won't be able to change your mind?"

            Jensen shrugged. "I didn't want to marry Lydia either but she convinced me into it. So there is the possibility."

            "You didn't want to marry Lydia?"

            "Deep down I knew she was a heartless bitch but she managed to convince me it would be easier on her when I left if we were married. Now I know it was because it meant that she could steal my money when she divorced me."

            "I don't want you money," Jared told him. "I just want you."

            "And you have me. Isn't that enough?"

            Jared was silent for a minute. Finally he nodded and kissed Jensen. "Yeah, it's enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know I suck. But I really am I trying to update more frequently. Just please be patient with me. Just know that I have no intentions of abandoning this fic.


	28. There's no breathing without you

"Good morning," Jared groaned

            Jensen lifted his head and gave Jared a death glare. "What time is it?"

            "Six," he mumbled. "If we get up now we can get some breakfast then head to church."

            Jensen sat up a bit. "Oh God," he groaned as a wave of nausea hit him. He got up from bed and ran as quickly as he could to the bathroom.

            "Jen?" Jared shouted after him. "You okay?"

            As Jensen puked into the toilet Jared lowered himself to the ground behind him. Jared ran his hand up and down Jensen's arched back. When he was done he pulled the older man against his chest and kissed his temple.

            "You okay?" He whispered against his skin.

            "I hate vomiting."

            "Everyone hates vomiting."

            "But I really, really hate it. Why couldn't I just skip this part of pregnancy?"

            Jared chuckled and placed another kiss to Jensen's temple. "Just think in a few months we will have Alex with us," he said, running his hand over Jensen baby bump. "Then all the nausea and other issues will be gone."

            "Again with the optimism," Jensen mumbled.

            "You know I am right though."

            "Doesn't mean I don't still hate this."

            "Do you want to skip church today? We can just lounge around in bed instead."

             Jensen moved out of Jared's arms and stood up. "You know how much a hate missing church." He swayed a bit and gripped the side of the counter. "But maybe we can later in the day."

            Jared jumped to his feet and wrapped his arms around Jensen's waist to steady him. "Let's get you back to bed."

            "I'm fine. Just a little bit of dizziness. Happened all the time with Jack."

            Jared stepped back a little bit didn't let go of Jensen. "I just worry about you. After..."

            Jensen stepped closer, crowding Jared back against the wall. "We're fine," he whispered moving Jared's hand to his belly. "Nothing is going to happen to me or Alex."

            "You don't know that."

            "No I don't. But Jared I got to believe that I am right. YOU'VE got to believe that I am right."

            Jared bent down and buried his face in Jensen's neck. "I'm trying. I just get so scared sometimes. Seeing you go through..." A sob rocked through Jared's body. "I can't see you go through that again."

            Jensen ran his hand through Jared's hair and shushed him. At a loss for words he continued to soothe Jared until the younger man stopped crying.

            "I just love you and Alex so much," he whispered against Jensen's neck. "Seeing Alex on the screen made her real but you telling me that she is moving makes it real. We could really lose her. I could lose you and her."

            "You're not going to lose either of us. I promise."

            "Don't make a promise you can't keep."

            "I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that I keep this promise. Okay?"

            Jared nodded against Jensen's neck. He kissed it then lifted his head so that he could look at Jensen. "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            "Wanna go back to bed?"

            Jensen nodded. He backed away from Jared and led him back into the bedroom.

            "Have I told you how gorgeous you look right now?" Jared asked.

            "Really?" Jensen stopped walking and looked down at himself. "You think I look good?"

            Jared crowded against Jared. "Breathtakingly so."

            "That's because I am only a thirteen weeks. Wait until I am further along because you will be singing a different tune."

            "I will always think that you are gorgeous," Jared told him. "No matter how big you get with our child."

            Jensen crushed his lips against Jared's then jumped back. "I should brush my teeth," he mumbled.

            "Just kiss me," he whispered pulling Jensen back against him.

            Jensen tried to step back again but Jared kissed him before he could get to far. Kissing Jared always made every thought in Jensen's brain disappear. When Jared slipped his tongue into his mouth he knew he was completely gone. There was no more fighting, just warring tongues and soft moans.

______________________________________________________________________________

            The church was hot and stuffy. Hot and stuffy and really uncomfortable. Jensen pulled his collar away from his neck and thought about loosening his tie a bit.

            "You okay?" Jared whispered.

            "Do you find it hot in here?"

            "No. Why are you hot?"

            "I'm boiling."

            "Do you want to leave?"

            "No, no I'm fine." Jensen removed his tie and unbuttoned some buttons.

            "Better?"

            "I'm sweat like a whore in church," Jensen mumbled.

            Jared snorted.

            "Not funny."

            "It's really funny."

            "No its not." Jensen squirmed a bit. "Now I have to pee."

            "You went half an hour ago."

            "Yeah, well your baby has decided that I have to go again."

            "Can you wait twenty minutes?"

            "I already feel like my eye balls are swimming."

            "Then we've got to get out of here," Jared said.

            "But the service."

            Jared huffed and sat further back in the pew. "Fine."

            Twenty minutes later Jensen ran from the church and to the bathroom. When he came back out he found Jared sitting down on a bench outside. As Jensen got closer he noticed that Jared had his eyes closed.

            "You okay?" Jensen asked.

            Jared opened his eyes to look at Jensen. "Just praying."

            "Isn't that what church is for?"

            Jared leaned forward. "I needed another moment."

            Jensen nodded.

            "Sometimes I feel like I can't pray for myself in church. Like I should be using that time for others. So I pray for world peace and an end to world hunger."

            "What were you just praying for now?"

            "For you. And Alex of course. That the pregnancy will be smooth and that you both come out of it alive."

            "Never for yourself?"

            Jared moved closer to Jensen. Reaching over he grabbed onto Jensen's hands. "There is no me without you anymore."

            "Jared..."

            "I love you more than anything. Being with you makes me beyond happy. When I pray that you are healthy and safe I am praying that I am too."

            "What about Alex?"

            "Same thing."

            "My therapist would tell you that this isn't healthy behavior."

            Jared shrugged. "Love makes people crazy."

            "I guess it really does."

            "The truth is Jensen, there is no breathing without you. You're it for me. There is nothing more that I want out of this life than you and Alex."

            "Nothing?"

            "Nothing."

            Jensen pulled Jared by the hands closer to him then kissed him. "I love you."

            "I love you too." Jared dropped a hand to Jensen's stomach. "And I love you also."

            "She's moving around."

            "Yeah?"

            "Yeah. I can't wait until you can feel her. So that she can prove to you that we are okay."

            "I believe that you are. Isn't that enough?"

            "Yeah," Jensen whispered kissing Jared again. "That's enough."

            "You hungry?"

            "I'm starving."

            "Good because my mom called and told me she made a giant lunch for us so that we wouldn't have an empty stomach for our trip home."

            Jensen sighed. "I almost don't want to leave. I like spending time with your family."

            "And I like that you like spending time with my family. Unfortunately I have to get back to school."

            "I know, I know." Jensen leaned back on the bench. "I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed."

            "I am looking forward to that doctors appointment you've got coming up in a few weeks."

            "We'll be able to see if I am right about Alex's gender."

            Jared ran a hand down Jensen's stomach. "I can't wait."

            "Neither can I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three week time jump in the next chapter.


	29. Irrational dependency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the bad spacing in the update. I wrote most of it on my iPhone.

The day of Jensen's next ultrasound he woke up alone. He'd been twisting and turning in bed trying to get comfortable again when he nearly fell out of bed. Finally opening his eyes he saw that Jared was gone. Sitting up he looked for the usual note that Jared left when he went out without waking Jensen but didn't find one. Reaching for his phone he check for a text message and didn't find one.   
            "I guess it's just you and me today," he whispered to his fluttering baby.  
            Jensen went about the day normally. He got a few chapters mapped out and two written before taking a break for lunch. He walked around the house cleaning up as much as he could before he got overly tired. Around two he tried calling Jared but got no answer on his phone. Lucky for him Danny was home to take him to his appointment at three so that he didn't have to call a cab.

            The wait for the doctor seemed longer than usual. Most of the time he'd have Jared with him to keep his mind off of how terrified he was. Now that he was alone he felt scared, really, really scared. He had been running a soothing hand over his stomach when the nurse called Jensen back.   
            "Just you today?" The doctor asked as he walked into the room.  
            Jensen nodded.   
            The doctor frowned. "Do you want to wait for the ultrasound?"  
            Jensen ran his hand down his stomach. "No. I just won't find out the gender today."  
            "Okay. Let's get through the medical part of this before we do the ultrasound."  
            They were halfway through the blood drawing when Jensen started to cry. When he had been going through all of this with Jack he had been alone. Every single one of his doctor appointments had been lonely. With this pregnancy he thought he was going to have Jared sitting right next to him. The doctor had just finished the last vial of blood when Jensen stood up.  
            "I need to go," he informed the doctor.  
            "Jensen?" He heard the doctor yell after him as he ran down the hallway and out of the building.  
            Jensen turned his phone off and wandered around town. Somehow he found himself in the park sitting on a park bench. He ran his hand down his stomach. Alex was fluttering around making herself known.  
            "I thought this would be different," he whispered to his stomach. "I thought..."  
            Jensen slumped back in the bench and closed his eyes. He hated how lonely he felt. This codependency that he now had with Jared was ruining him. But at the same time he knew he couldn't live without being with him.   
            Getting to his feet Jensen started wandering again. Eventually he started heading home. When he passed the diner he decided to go inside and get something to eat and use the bathroom before finishing his trek.   
            "He's still not answering," he heard Josh say as he entered the house. "Are you sure he wasn't there?"  
            "I talked to the doctor," Jared said. "He told me he ran out twenty minutes into his appointment."  
            "He's four months pregnant, how far could he have gone?" Josh asked.  
            "We need to fine him," Jared said. "Guys, I need to find him."

            "I'm sure that he is fine Jared. You just need to stop worrying," Danny said.

            "Stop worrying? I can't just stop worrying."  
            "Why weren't you there, Jared?"  
            "I was there! I got there twenty minutes late because my class ran late. Did you really think I would miss something like that? That's my baby! My son or daughter. We were supposed to find out Alex's gender! I... Jensen!"  
            Jensen stepped further into the room. Jared got up from the chair he was sitting in and wrapped his arms around Jensen. He kissed the top of Jensen's head and breathed him in.  
            "Where have you been? Are you okay? Is Alex okay?"  
            "Jared..."  
            Jared dropped to his knees and buried his face in Jensen's stomach.   
            "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I thought I could get there sooner."  
            "I thought you didn't want to be there."  
            Jared looked up at him. "I wouldn't miss something like that. I tried texting you but my professor caught me and took my phone. I tried leaving but I was told I had to stay. I'm sorry."  
            Jensen ran his hand through Jared's hair. "I hate that feeling, Jared. I hate how dependent I am on you."  
            Jared stood again, stepping back so he could look at Jensen. "Jensen, I..."  
            "I went through a whole pregnancy on my own and I was fine. I was alone when I heard Jack's heart beat for the first time. No one was there when I found out I was having a boy. And you know what? I was fine with it. I dealt with it. But now I can't even go through one appointment without you standing next to me."  
            "And that's bad? It's bad that you want to be with me?"   
            "It's unhealthy Jared!"  
            "That's being in a relationship, Jensen! You're supposed to be irrationally attached to me. You're supposed to be upset."  
            "So I am being the irrational one?"  
            "Yes..no... I don't know, Jensen. All I know is that I am the same way."  
            "He was going to call the cops," Josh told him. "We had to convince him not to."  
            "The cops, Jared? Really?"  
            "You're four months pregnant, Jensen and you were missing. What else was I supposed to do?"  
            Jensen shook his head. "I was fine, Jared. I am fine."  
            "Is Alex?"  
            "She's been moving around quite a bit. I think all the walking woke her up."

            "Are you hungry? I could make you something to eat."

            "I'm fine Jared. I stopped at the diner on the way home."

            "Did you walk all the way home?" Danny asked.

            "Yes. I sat around in the park for a while before I started heading home."

            "Why didn't you call? I could have picked you up."

            "I needed some time away."

            "I really am sorry," Jared whispered.

            "I know you are. It's okay."  
            Jared nodded. He kissed Jensen on the forehead. "How far through your appointment did you get?"  
            "Blood drawn. I couldn't bear the thought of being there alone."  
            "Well I set up an appointment for tomorrow so we can go together this time. And I promise I will be there."  
            "Good." Jensen poked Jared in the chest. "Because if you're not I am with holding sex until the end of the pregnancy."  
            Jared laughed uneasily. "I'll be there."  
______________________________________________________________________________  
            The doctor walked into the room and have Jensen a weak smile. "You're not going to run out on me again are you?"  
            Jensen shook his head. "I'm here for the duration."  
            "Good. Now since we got through most of our appointment yesterday we'll just do weight and blood pressure okay?"  
            Jensen stood up and walked to the scale. "Let's do this."  
            The doctor laughed. "Go ahead and get on the scale." Once Jensen was on the scale he moved the weights around until the scale evened out. "You have gained five pounds. Which means you have gained twenty all together."  
            "Is that good?" Jared asked.  
            "Very good."  
            "So I've gained twenty pounds?"  
            "And I want you to gain ten more. I'll be happy with five but ten is my happy place."  
            "Okay."  
            "Go ahead and stepped down so that I can check your blood pressure then on to seeing the baby."  
            Jensen's blood pressure was a tiny bit evaluated but not to the point that the doctor was really worried. Jared on the other hand was. He gave Jensen his best puppy dog pour that Jensen knew was his 'we're dealing with this later' look.  
            "So are you boys ready to see your baby?"  
            "More than ready," Jared said.  
            The doctor wheeled the ultrasound machine over. After Jensen lifted his shirt the doctor squirted some of the cold gel onto his stomach and ran the wand along his stomach.  
            "And there it is," he said after a few seconds. "And it is looking good. It's still on the small size but not to the point that I am concerned anymore."  
            "So everything looks good?"  
            "Everything looks good. Now do you guys want to know the babies gender?"  
            "Yes," they said at the same time.  
            "Okay." The doctor chucked then moved the wand around a bit. "You two are having a baby girl."  
            Jensen laughed and looked up at Jared. "I told you."  
            "You were right," Jared whispered. He kissed Jared then looked up at the screen. "Alexandra Elizabelle  
            "Elizabelle?"  
            "I couldn't choose between Elizabeth and Belle so I decided to combine them."  
            "I like it," Jensen whispered. He kissed Jared again. "I love you."  
            "I love you too."  
            "The baby is measuring good and..." The doctor pressed some buttons and the babies heart beat filled the room. "The heart beat sounds good."  
            "So..."  
            "Everything is good. Perfect in fact."  
            "Really?"  
            "Really," he informed them.   
            Jared laughed happily then kissed Jensen. "She's okay," he whispered, his forehead pressed against Jensen's. "You're both okay."  
            "I really hate breaking your moments but I have other client and..."  
            Jared stood back. "Sorry, sorry."  
            The doctor passed Jensen a towel so that he could clean up. "Just make an appointment with the receptionist on your way out, okay?"  
            "Thank you."  
            "Have a good day," the doctor said as he left the room.  
            Jensen cleaned up then Jared helped him up off the table. Jared swung an arm around Jensen's shoulder and they walked out of the room together.  
            "You happy?" Jensen asked Jared once they were in the car.  
            "Are you kidding me? Of course I am happy. You're both healthy. Nothing can bring me down."  
            Jensen smiled over at Jared. "I'm happy too."  
            "We should..." Loud honking cut Jared off. He looked out the window and slammed on the breaks. "Jensen," he yelled trying to get his body across the seat.   
            If you were to ask Jensen how much time passed he wouldn't be able to tell you. All he knows is that he looked out the window in time to see a car hit the rear side of Jared's car. He looked back over at Jared just in time to see a second car hit his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hangers are fun. Not for you but for me. Sorry.


	30. Cause I won’t give up without a fight

Jensen leg hurts. A lot. But he guesses that is to be expected after being blindsided by not one but TWO cars. He's fine, Alex is fine, but Jared is not. His boyfriend is currently in surgery to have his leg reset.

            "They're not going to let you in his room once he's out," Josh informed him.

            "I'm not leaving until I know he is okay," Jensen told him. He's been staring at the door ever since the nurses told him he needed to sit down. He had been pacing and the pacing made him feel better.

            "Don't even think about getting out of that chair," Josh said as Jensen was about to get to his feet.

            "I can't just sit here," he said. "I need to move. I need to know he is okay."

            "I'm sure he's fine."

            Jensen gave him a dirty look. "I want to be positive not just sure."

            "Jensen..."

            "It's been an hour, how long does it take to reset a leg?"

            "He was unconscious when they brought him in Jensen there might be other injuries."

            "Don't say that. Don't you fucking say that."

            "Jensen..."

            Jensen got to his feet. "I need to pee," he mumbled as he left the room.

            He peed then wandered the halls for a bit. His leg really hurt and he knew he was limping but he couldn't just sit around while Jared was in surgery. He couldn't just sit back when there was a chance he might lose the younger man.

            He'd been wandering around for a while when he found he no longer knew where he was. Back tracking he tried to make his way back to the waiting room but found himself even more lost.

            "I hope he lives," he heard a doctor say. The man was removing several articles of clothing and replacing them with cleaner ones.

            "Me too. I hear his boyfriend is pregnant."

            "Jesus," the first doctor breathed.          

            "Who knew a simple reset would lead to all that? But I heard he spun the car so that he would take the blunt of the second hit to save his boyfriend."

            "That could explain the broken rib and punctured rib."

            "Jensen?"

            Jensen jumped and turned around. Josh stood there with his hands in his pockets.

            "Josh," Jensen whispered. "Please tell me he is okay."

            The two doctors moved closer to Josh and Jensen.

            "Sir are you okay?" The first doctor asked when he saw how distraught Jensen was.

            "I..." Jensen looked between the three men before looking back at Josh. "Josh, is he okay?"

            "He's...Jensen..."

            "No," Jensen whispered. "No, no." He placed a hand on his stomach. "Josh?"

            "Sir you need to calm down," the first doctor said. "You need to breath."

            It wasn't until the doctor told him that he needed to breath that he noticed he wasn't. And damn he was lightheaded. But every time he tried to bring a breath into his lungs it hurt and he found himself choking on it.

            "He's having a panic attack," Josh told the doctors.

            "We need him to calm down. He can in danger himself and his baby."

            "Alex," Jensen whispered. He placed both hands on his stomach and sprayed his finger out.

            "Jensen? Jensen, he's okay. Jared is okay. He's out of surgery and resting well. You'll be able to see him in the morning."

            "Now," Jensen choked out. "I need to see him now."

            "He's not awake Jensen. He's pretty banged up. But when you come to see him tomorrow he might be awake."

            "Josh..." Jensen whispered before passing out.

______________________________________________________________________________

            There was way too much beeping. That was his first thought as he gained consciousness. There was too much beeping and he was sore. When he opened his eyes he had to close them again quickly because it was way too bright. Too much beeping and too bright.

            Now that he was fully awake he realized that he had a splitting headache. Great. He opened his eyes slowly then moved his hand up so that he could kneed his head. A sharp pain made him gasp when his fingers met some gauze that was covering his forehead.

            "Jared?" He whispered looking around.

            That's when his memories came back to him. Jared wasn't there. Jared was injured and in a different room and because they weren't related or married he couldn't see him. But he needed Jared because he was scared. He was scared and sore and he needed Jared to tell him that he was going to be okay. Because Jared was always there to tell him everything was going to be okay when something bad happened.

            "Sir," a nurse said as she rushed into the room. "Sir I need you to calm down."

            "I can't breathe," he told her.

            "You're having another panic attack. I need you to calm down because I can't give you anything since you are pregnant."

            The nurse placed her hand on Jensen's shoulder and helped him through his breathing. Eventually Jensen had his breathing back under control and the nurse had him settled back against the pillow.

            "I need to know about Jared. Jared Padalecki. Is he okay?"

            The nurse pursed her lips and looked over her shoulder. When she looked back at him she looked pained. "I can't tell you sweetie. I'm sorry."

            "But he's my boyfriend," he told her. "He's the father of my baby. I NEED to know how he is."

            She sighed. "I'll try," she said. "But I can't promise anything."

            "Thank you," he whispered.

            When she went to leave Jensen grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards him.

            "Is she okay? My baby, is she okay?"

            "She's fine," she told him. "Your doctor was here when you were out to check. Everything is okay."

            "Thank you."

            The nurse shushed him and removed his hand from her arm. "Go back to sleep," she whispered. "Get some rest."

            Jensen nodded and closed his eyes. He told himself that he wasn't going to fall asleep but after a few minutes of fighting he did.

______________________________________________________________________________

            The next time Jensen woke up he could tell he wasn't alone. Thinking it was one of the nurses he closed his eyes tighter and tried to fall asleep again. He didn't want to be awake without Jared next to him. At least when he was unconscious he could be with the younger man.

            "Jensen?" He heard someone whisper from beside him. No not someone it was Jared.

            Jensen opened his eyes and looked over. Sitting in a wheelchair with his leg in a cast was Jared. The younger man was shirtless with a bandage covering his chest. He had several cuts on his face and a nasty bruise on his shoulder.

            "You look like shit," Jensen joked.

            Jared scooted a little, wincing at the pain, and grabbed onto Jensen's hand. "I heard you tried to check out on me," he said. "You don't get to do that to me. Ever."

            "Yeah well I was freaking out and no one would let me see you. Jesus, Jared I thought..."

            Jared lifted Jensen's hand and pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. "I'm banged up Jensen but I am fine."

            "I overheard the doctors after you left the OR. You shouldn't be out of bed. They were skeptical if you would even make it."

            "I'm fine," he told him. "And I'm not going anywhere. Not when I've got so much to look forward too."

            "Why are you out of bed, Jared? You've got a punctured lung."

            Jared shrugged with one shoulder. "Raise enough hell and someone will listen to you. I screamed my head off for an hour and they let me up just to shut me up."

            "Jesus," Jensen whispered. "You are so stubborn."

            "I woke up and the first thing I am told is that you passed out and banged your head up. I get the right to freak out."

            "Did you really swerve the car so that you can take the blunt of the second hit?"

            "You've got precious cargo. There is no way I was going to let you or my baby get seriously hurt. You didn't survive a bombing just to die in a car crash."

            "Do you know what happened? Why that guy sped through the intersection like that?"

            "His breaks stopped working. He apparently freaked out when he found out you are pregnant and is sending you a fruit basket."

            "What about the second car? The one that hit your side?"

            "Teenage girl who was texting."

            "Is she okay?"

            "I don't know."

            Jensen ran his hand down his stomach. "I hope she is. She might have hurt you but she is still someone's daughter."

            "Thinking like a concerned papa already," Jared said. He leaned forward but hissed and sat back again.

            "You okay?"

            "I just want to kiss you but I can't lean forward."

            Jensen moved so that he sat on the edge of the bed, being careful of all the chords attached to him. He leaned forward and kissed Jared softly on the lips.

            "Better?" He whispered against his lips.

            "Much. Now lay back down before one of the nurses see you."

            Chuckling Jensen laid back down. He looked over at Jared and smiled. "I love you."  
            "I love you too." Jared ran his hand down his stomach and smiled. "She awake?"

            "She's fluttering. It feels nice knowing she's okay."

            "Yeah I know what you mean."

            A younger nurse walked into Jensen's room and gave Jared a look.

            "I've gotta go back, don't I?"

            She nodded her head. "We gave you your time and now you need to get back to your room to recover. Say goodbye to your friend."

            "My boyfriend," Jared corrected.

            "Either way you need to say goodbye."

            "Can you give us one more moment?" Jensen asked.

            The nurse gave him a death glare. "No," she spat. She grabbed onto the back of Jared's wheelchair and started pulling him towards the door.

            "I love you, I love you, I love you," Jared shouted over his shoulder.

            "I love you too," he shouted back.

            A second nurse walked into Jensen's room after Jared left. She checked over his vitals and frowned.

            "What?" Jensen asked beginning to panic.

            Without a word the nurse left. Minutes later she returned with Jared laying in a bed. She situated his into the empty part of the semi private then opened the curtain.

            "What is the meaning of this?" The young nurse asked, stomping her foot.

            "His vitals had been raised all morning until this patient visited him."

            "So?"

            "So, I want him to be able to keep his baby. That means he," she pointed to Jared, "gets to stay close."

            The young nurse sighed heavily. "Fine," she huffed and left the room.

            The older nurse moved back to Jensen and finished checking him over. She smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?"

            "I'm fine," he told her. "But thanks anyways."

            "Okay. Just press your button if either if you need anything."

            "Thank you," Jared shouted.

            "I like this better," Jensen said.

            "Me too. Now I don't have to worry about whether or not you are okay."

            "Why is your nurse so mean?"

            "I have no idea. We know each other from school and everything. She graduated when I was a freshman. She was always so nice to me."

            "Do you think it is because if me?"

            Jared sighed. "Probably. The truth is..."

            "You slept with her?"

            "Yeah. It was only once and it was right before I came out. I don't think she has quite forgiven me."

            "You know you can tell me stuff like that, right? I mean you know my full sexual history."

            "I know it's just with your pregnancy hormones I am afraid to tell you things. But I promise that once you are no longer pregnant and have a one hundred percent clear head I will tell you."

            "You better."

            "I will, I promise."

            "Good."

            "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            "That may have been the angriest declaration of love ever."

             "Sorry I'm just..."

            "Hormonal. I know. But I love you anyways."

            "You should get some rest."

            Jared sighed. "I know. I just want to make sure you are okay."

            "I'm fine. Now get some rest."

            "Okay, okay I will."

            Jensen's waited until he heard Jared's breathing even out before he too fell asleep.


	31. PPD

Jensen was out of the hospital three days after the accident. Jared on the other hand was still expected to spend another week or so in the hospital because of all his injuries. Since they weren't married or family Jensen was only allowed to see Jared during visiting hours and the nurse he used to date always made sure he was out on the hour.   
"You okay?" Josh asked as he drove Jensen home from the hospital.  
Jensen hummed as he ran his hand down his stomach.   
"You sure?"  
"I just miss him is all," he mumbled as he stared at the window. "I don't like sleeping alone."  
"He'll be out soon."  
"I know." Jensen sighed.   
"You been sleeping alright?"  
Jensen shook his head. "Without him around I can't sleep. I've managed to keep the nightmares at bay but its hard to fall asleep."  
"You're adorable."  
"Shut up."  
Josh laughed. "I'm the same way with Danny," he told him.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I always make sure he falls asleep before I do so that I can hear him snoring. It's like a lullaby for me."  
"Jared doesn't snore. It's his heat and touching that helps me sleep. The feeling of him behind me, holding me, reminds me of where I am."  
"And nothing else helps with that?"  
Jensen smiled softly. He ran his hand down his stomach. "Alex has been moving around a lot lately. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I feel her fluttering around and it puts me at ease."  
Josh smiled. "You're going to be a great dad," he told him.   
"Everyone keeps tells me that," Jensen mumbled.  
"You don't think you will?"  
"I think I am going to end up with PPD," he mumbled.  
"Why do you say that?"  
Jensen shrugged. "I'm not lucky enough to not."  
"You're going to be fine," Josh told him. "You're going to have Alex and everything is going to go well."  
"Always with the optimism," Jensen mumbled.  
"We're just trying to always show you the bright side. And even if you did end up with PPD we will get you therapy and you will be fine."  
"I just don't want to look at Alex and not love her."  
"With how much love you feel for this child I highly doubt you could ever stop."  
Jensen sat quietly and just ran his hand over his stomach until they pulled into the driveway of the house. The two men sat in the car for a few minutes. Finally Josh turned to Jensen.  
"We all think you are going to be a good dad because of the way you are with Jack and Kelly and Eban. You are the greatest uncle and I can't picture you being anything but a great dad to your own child."  
Jensen nodded. "I just love her so much already I don't want to lose that feeling."  
"And you never will. Don't worry."  
"You're right. Everything is going to be okay and I need to stop worrying."  
Josh placed a hand on Jensen's shoulder and squeezed lightly. "That's a good boy. Now lets get inside before Danny calls me to yell at me for not being home to help with the kids."  
__________________________  
Jared was sitting up and looking pretty damn good for a man who had a punctured lung when Jensen walked into the room. He was smiling and laughing with a nurse and hasn't noticed that Jensen was there yet. Interested in what he was talking about he waited by the door.  
"I can't wait," he said a dimpled smile on his face. "I've never been this excited about anything in my life."  
"She's your first?" The nurse asked as she checked something that was attached to Jared.  
"Yeah. We had been planning on waiting a little longer but she decided we weren't allowed to."  
"Do you have a name for her?"  
"Alexandra Elizabelle."  
"That is a very pretty name."  
Jared laughed. "She's going to need a pretty name because I just know she's going to be beautiful. No way that she won't be with her other father."  
"You really love him?" She asked. The nurse turned to Jensen and winked.   
"I love him more than anything. He means everything to me."  
"Is that right?" Jensen asked walking into the room. "He must be truly amazing."  
Jared smiled. "He's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."  
"I bet he feels that same way. Maybe even more."  
"Impossible." Jared reached his hand out and pulled Jensen close to him when he took it. "You look like hell."  
"Had a nightmare last night."  
"What?"  
"I had a nightmare."  
"But... I thought..."  
"It wasn't that bad. Just a typical one."  
"What was it about?"  
Jensen shrugged. "You."  
"Me? What happened?"  
"You got really badly hurt in the crash and I lost you."  
Jared pulled Jensen down so that he could place their foreheads together. "I'm okay though," he whispered. "I got hurt but I am not leaving you anytime soon."  
"Promise?"  
"I promise. I've got too much to look forward to."  
"I'm so excited for her," Jensen told him."  
"I am too. I love you and her so much."  
"She's been moving around a lot."  
"Yeah?"  
"I wish you could feel it."  
"I can't wait until I can."  
Jensen straightened up and sat down in the chair behind him. "Did the doctor say when you can go home?"  
"In a few days. They just want to make sure my lung is okay."  
"What about your leg?"  
"I'll probably be on crutches for a little while."  
Jensen nodded. "I think we should get married."  
Jared looked at Jensen for a while without saying a word. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but wasn't able to come up with anything. Finally he just shut his mouth and stared.  
"I know, I know. I am the reason that we aren't already engaged because I didn't want to get married but the more I think about it the more I think we should. I hate not being able to know what is going on with you when you are sick or hurt. I want to be the first person they tell everything to because you are my husband and they have to tell me. And because I love you more than anything and I want to be Mr. Jensen Padalecki with our little Padababbies."  
"Are you asking me to marry you?"  
Jensen stood and pulled out a small box from his pocket. "Yes."  
Jared took the box and opened it. "This is beautiful," he whispered.  
"Is that a yes?"  
"It's a fuck yes," Jared said.   
"Really?"  
Jared tugged Jensen down and kissed him. "Yes really." He placed a hand on Jensen's stomach and stroked it softly. "We should get married before she is born."  
"So we have to plan a wedding in less than three months?"  
"I don't want a big wedding. Just you, me, Josh and Danny and our parents."  
"So you're thinking city hall shot gun wedding?"  
"That sounds perfect to me."  
"You sure?"  
"I don't care where we get married or how many people are there I just care that we are together."  
"So basically you're the greatest person ever?"  
"Basically."  
"So city hall shot gun wedding?"  
"City hall shot gun wedding."  
"I love you Jared Padalecki."  
"And I love you Jensen Ackles."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. I had family visiting then I got sick and my computer is getting fixed so I had to write this on my iPhone. I'll try my hardest to post again soon but I can't make any promises. Just know I haven't given this fic up.


	32. Hovering

"Sit down Jensen," Jared repeated for the fifth time.   
"Are you sure you don't need anything?"  
"What I need is for you to sit down."  
"I'm fine."  
"You're lying and I know it. Now will you please sit down?"  
Jensen sat down on the arm chair near the coach. Jared had just gotten home from the hospital and Jensen had been hovering. He had fluffed Jared's pillow three times, gotten him a blanket, made him a cup of coffee (even though it still made him nausea) and a sandwich. He's been home for ten minutes.  
"You sure you don't need anything?" Jensen asked, making a move to get up.  
"Do. Not. Get. Up." Jared growled.   
"But..."  
"How is your leg feeling?" Jared asked.  
The mention of Jensen's leg made him flinched. Since the accident the dull ache he had been feeling for the past year had become something closer to what he had been feeling after the bombing. Standing, walking, sitting for too long and laying in the wrong position was making his leg hurt. Not that he was sharing this information with anyone. He had a bruised leg while Jared had a broken one and still healing lung and ribs, he could suck it up.  
"I'm fine," he lied.  
Jared sighed. "I can tell when you are lying to me Jensen," he said.  
"No really, everything is fine."  
"I can see you wince whenever you sit or stand. Not to mention the limp in your gait. Do you need to see a doctor about it?"  
"No I do not need to see a doctor."  
"Jen..."  
"Jared I am fine. Besides we've got a wedding to plan."  
Jared smiled. "Yeah we do." He opened his arms and scooted back on the couch. "Come here."  
"I don't want to hurt you."  
"Come on Jen, I haven't held you in my arms in weeks."  
"But your ribs..."  
"I'm fine. But I'd feel even better if I got to cuddle with you."  
Jensen thought about it for a few seconds before giving in. Once he settled himself on the couch Jared wrapped his arms around him and let out a rather content sign. The younger man pressed several kisses to the back of Jensen's neck and shoulder before hooking his chin over his neck.  
"So wedding?" He said.  
"I still like the idea of the small city hall wedding. But I was thinking we could have a reception a little further down the line. That way we can celebrate with our friends."  
"I like the sound of that. When do you want to do it?"  
"Next month? That way you will be off from school and we won't have to schedule around your classes."  
"You're smart."  
Jensen shrugged. "I've had a lot of time to think about this "  
"Still not sleeping well?"  
"You know I can't sleep when you aren't around."  
"Well I am back now. Go ahead and take a nap."  
"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."  
"You won't hurt me."  
"Remember that time I kicked you?"  
Jared laughed softly. "Yeah I remember. But you haven't done it since and I trust you not to now. Just go to sleep Jen."  
Jensen closed his eyes expecting to not fall asleep. When he opened them again the living room was darker and somehow Jared was no longer behind him. After a second of panic he remembered that he hadn't dreamt Jared coming home and tried to sit up.   
"Easy there big guy," Danny said as he entered the room. "Let me help you up."  
Jensen grumbled under his breath that he was fine but let his brother in law help him up anyways.   
"You have any idea where Jared is?" Jensen asked once he was horizontal.  
"Last time I saw him he was in your office making some phone calls. Why didn't you tell us you were getting married?"  
Jensen blushed. "I wanted to wait till Jared was home. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret or anything I just..."  
"Wanted to share the news with your fiancé?"  
Jensen nodded.  
"I'm happy for you two," Danny said giving him a pat on the back. "When is the wedding?"  
"Two weeks from now," Jared said as he hobbled into the room. "I just set up an appointment at city hall and called my parents. All we need are your parents and everything is golden."  
"Where are you crutches?" Jensen asked moving closer to Jared.  
Jared looked over his shoulder and shrugged. "I think I left them in your office."  
"Jared," Jensen sighed. "You need to use your crutches. "  
"This coming from the man who almost always forgot his cane," Danny mumbled.  
"We're not discussing me," Jensen shot back.  
"Hello hormones," Jared whispered.  
"You two are assholes," Jensen said as he stalked out of the room.  
"Jen," Jared called after him. "Come on Jensen I'm sorry."  
Jensen retreated into his office and slammed the door shut. He spotted Jared crutches, grabbed them, opened the door and shoved them at Jared who was waiting outside the door.  
"Jensen...."  
"Use the damn things," he shouted before shutting the door on Jared's face.  
_________________________________________________________________  
Jensen felt foolish. Once again he let his hormones get the best of him and lashed out at Jared. Now he was scared that the younger man would be too angry at him to still be around. He remembered that whenever he and Lydia used to fight she would leave for hours on end before showing up and telling him how awful of a person he was.   
Three hours after the incident Jensen finally emerged from his office. His stomach was growling and Alex had been using his bladder as a punching bag so he really had to pee. After using the bathroom he wandered into the kitchen to find the lights were off. The whole house in fact was quiet. He peaked at the clock and saw that it was after ten o'clock. Jensen sighed heavily and began making himself a sandwich with every intention of eating it and sleeping in the couch.  
When he entered the living room after finishing his sandwich he found that the TV was on. On further inspection he saw that Jared was sprawled out on the couch snoring lightly. Confused, Jensen walked over and lightly shook the younger man.  
"Jared?" He whispered.   
Jared opened his eyes and tried to focus his eyes on Jensen. "Hey," he whispered struggling to get up.  
"It's okay," Jensen said easing Jared back down on the couch. "No need to get up."  
Jared settled himself back down on the couch, leaving enough space for Jensen to lie down next to him.   
"What are you doing down here? Why aren't you in bed?"  
Jared frowned. "I thought you wouldn't want me in bed with you tonight. You were pretty pissed off at me earlier."  
"I was the one who was acting like an idiot so I should be the one sanctioned to the couch."  
"You're four months pregnant you are not sleeping on the couch."  
"And you are healing from an accident so you shouldn't be either."  
They sat in tense silence for a little before Jared cleared his throat.  
"Look Jen, about earlier..."  
"Why are you still here?" Jensen blurted out.  
Jared sat in stunned silence. "What?"  
"Why are you still here?" He repeated.  
"You want me to leave?"  
"No. It's just whenever Lydia and I used to fight..."  
"Jen," Jared said cutting him off. He reached out his hand and took Jensen's into his. "I am not Lydia. I am not going to leave after a fight and blame everything on you. You're pregnant with my baby, we're going to be married in two weeks, and I’m not going to leave just because you get a little hormonal every now and then."  
"So you're staying around because I am incubating your baby and agreed to marry you?"  
"I'm staying around because I love you and I think you are the greatest person who has ever graced this earth."  
"I love you too," Jensen whispered as he sank down onto the couch. "I'm sorry I always compare our relationship to mine and Lydia's. I just don't have anything else to compare it to."  
Jared wrapped an arm around Jensen's waist. "It's okay," he said as he ran his hand up and down Jensen's baby bump. "Has she been giving you problems today?"  
"She was using my bladder as a punching bag earlier but she's quiet right now."  
"I wish I could feel her."  
"You will be able to soon." Jensen leaned a little further back against Jared's chest but not enough to hurt him. "I think that if you had been in my life when I was having Jack I would have kept him."  
"Really?"  
"I didn't want to be a single father at nineteen. I didn't want to be a single parent period. Jack's other father wasn't an option as a co-parent so it would have been just me. Now, with Alex, I've got you so I never have to worry about that."  
"But Lydia...."  
"Lydia was less of an option then Bennett. Besides Jack was already Danny and Josh's by that time."  
Jared moved closer to Jensen, wrapping his body around him. "How is your leg? And I want you to tell me the truth."  
"It hurts a lot. But don't worry about me."  
"I always worry about you."  
"I'll be fine," Jensen reassured him. "I just need to give it some time to heal."  
"I'd feel better if you saw a doctor about it."  
"Jared..."  
"The doctor already suggested bed rest and that was before the accident. I think you need to see someone about it."  
"Fine," Jensen mumbled.  
"Good." Jared kissed the back of his neck. "We should get to bed."  
Jensen untangled himself from Jared and stood up. Once he was stable enough he helped the younger man up off the couch. Jared looped his arm around Jensen's waist and together they hobbled up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate not having a computer because then I have to subject you guys to bad spacing. But I will be going back to edit these once I have my computer back. Also wedding next update!


	33. The wedding

The wedding was held on a rainy day in October. Jensen was mildly glad that they weren't having an all out wedding as he watched the rain roll down the car window. He looked over and watched as Jared squirmed in his seat next to him in the back of the car. With a smile Jensen took the younger mans hand in his.  
"You okay? You're not changing your mind are you?" He asked in half jest. For all his jokes he was still worried that Jared would change his mind.   
Jared smiled over at him. "I'm good. Just excited."  
"Really?"  
Jared leaned over and kissed Jensen. "Really. I've never been this excited in my life."  
"Never?" Jensen asked, running a hand down his stomach. His very large stomach. In the last two weeks his stomach had grown a considerable amount. Which he blames on the partial bed rest his doctor had put him on.  
"Up until this point," Jared reassured him bringing his hand to rest on Jensen's. "I'll get back to you on the updated version in five months."  
"Good answer," Jensen said giving Jared a kiss.  
"How about you? How are you feeling about all of this?"  
Jensen gave Jared a look. "I proposed to YOU. How do you think I feel."  
Jared smiled. He twisted the ring on his finger a few times before looking up at Jensen. "I still wish you had let me give you a ring."  
"You are giving me a ring," Jensen told him. "Besides only one person in the engagement is supposed to have a ring."  
Jared turned away and looked out the window.   
"What's wrong?" Jensen asked placing a hand on Jared's knee.  
"It's nothing," he mumbled.  
"Jared..."  
Jared twisted back with a sad smile. "I'd gotten you this right before the accident."  
"What?"  
Jared lifted his hand and opened it. Sitting in his palm was a gold ring that looked almost identical to his. "I was afraid to ask you because I thought you were going to say no so I kept it to myself. After we found out that we were having a little girl I was going to ask you that night at dinner. Then the crash happened and I never got to ask."  
Jensen picked up the ring and slipped it into his finger. "If I'd known you had a ring for me I would have worn it."  
"Are you sure? I mean in could take it back..."  
Jensen moved his hand away from Jared's reaching one and sat on it. "I am going to wear it."  
Jared smiled. "Okay, good."  
Jensen lifted his hand and looked at the ring. "This is really nice. How did you afford it?"  
Jared shrugged. "Doesn't matter."  
"It matters to me Jay. How did you afford it?"  
"It was my grandfathers," he mumbled.  
"What? Jared, I can't..."  
"Yes, yes you can."  
"What about my wedding ring?"  
Jared twisted and pulled a small box from his pocket. "Did you want to see it now..."  
Jensen nodded his head.  
"Okay." Jared opened the top to the box and held it closer to Jensen. Inside was a black metallic ring with a marble strip in the middle. On closer inspection Jensen noticed that there was writing in the inside.  
"What does it say?" He asked raising his eyes to look at Jared.  
"'Love is too weak a word for what I feel'." Jared looked away for a second then back at Jensen. "It was going to be 'never give up on us' but then I found this one and..."  
Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared. "I love it," he told him.  
"Can I see mine?"  
Jensen sat back and removed he ring box from his pocket. Turning back to Jared he handed it to the younger man. He watched quietly as Jared opened the box and looked at the ring.  
"Jen..."  
"I know, I know, it's not much but..."  
Jared surged forward and kissed Jensen. "This is beautiful," he said. Carefully he removed the ring from the box so that he could inspect it better. It was a simple gold band that almost resembled the engagement ring but it was a little lighter and had a black marble strip in the middle. "I won't give up on us," he whispered with a laugh. "Glad I didn't pick that."  
"So you like it?  
"I love it, Jen. It's perfect."  
Jensen let out a long sigh. "I was worried you wouldn't like it," he admitted.   
"I'd love anything you gave me," he told him resting a hand on Jensen's stomach.  
The car came to a stop and Josh turned to look at Jared and Jensen. "We're here," he told them. "You guys ready for this?"  
"Absolutely," Jared said.  
_________________________________________________________________  
The court house was colder than Jensen expected it to be. When Jared noticed that Jensen was shivering a bit he took off his jacket and slung it over his shoulders. Alex was squirming around in him, reacting to his excitement and it made him smile.  
"What are you smiling about?" Jared asked him.  
"She's moving around a lot. I think she knows how excited I am."  
Jared took Jensen's hand and squeezed it. "I'm excited too."  
"Jensen?" Josh called.  
"Yeah?"  
"They are ready for you."  
Jared got to his feet and helped Jensen up. Jensen's mom rushed over and pulled him into a tight hug.   
"You ready for this baby?" She asked.   
Jensen nodded against her shoulder. "I really love him mom," he admitted.  
Jensen's mom stepped out of their hug and wiped a tear away. "I know you do sweetie. You picked a good one this time."  
Jensen looked over to where Jared was speaking with his own mother. "I know I did."  
_________________________________________________________________  
They waited in the room for twenty minutes before the justice of the peace showed up. The tall man, who Jensen had known since he was a kid, hugged both his parents before wrapping his arms around Jensen.  
"This for real this time?" He joked.  
Jensen nodded and grabbed for Jared's hand. "Yeah, it's for real this time."  
"Good." Judge Jones clapped his hands and turned to look at the people who were gathered in the room. "Everyone ready?"  
There were murmurs of 'yes' and 'let's get this show on the road' that made the Judge laugh. He turned to Jared and Jensen and asked them the same question.  
"Sir you have no idea how ready I am," Jared told him.  
When the judge started talking Jensen could feel his heart pounding. Alex was once again reacting to his excitement and fluttering around inside of him. By the time the judge was asking Jared if he would take Jensen as his husband the older man was crying openly. When it was his turn to repeat and promise he had to take several minutes to stop himself from crying.   
"It's okay," Judge Jones told him, "this happens all the time"  
Jensen nodded and took several steady breaths. After a few moments and nodded and they resumed. Ten minutes later Jared and Jensen exchanged their rings and were pronounced married.  
"You can kiss him," the Judge informed them.  
Jared rushed forward and kissed Jensen. He placed his hand on his stomach and rubbed it softly as they kissed. Alex moved a bit and Jared jumped back.  
"I felt that," he said. He let out a laugh and placed his hands back on Jensen's stomach. "I felt her move." Jared turned to look at his parents and smiled. "I felt her move."  
Sherri laughed indulgently at her son. "That's amazing sweetheart."  
Judge Jones walked over and patted Jared's shoulder. "Welcome to the family."  
"Huh?"  
"He's my dad," Danny stage whispered to him.  
"He is?"  
Judge Jones laughed. "I am so glad I was able to do this for you Jensen."  
"Why didn't anyone tell me you were?" Jensen asked sending an accusing glare at Danny and Josh.  
"We wanted it to be a surprise," Danny said with a shrug.   
"I think it was a very sweet gesture," Jensen's mom piped in.   
"Yeah, it was." Jensen turned to the Judge and shook his hand. "Thank you for doing this."  
"It was my pleasure"  
Jensen turned back to Jared. "I love you," he whispered loud enough for only Jared to hear.  
"I love you too." Jared placed his hands on either side of Jensen's stomach again. After a few seconds Alex kicked against his hand. "I felt her again," he whispered.   
For the rest of the time at the court house Jared had a goofy grin on his face. His hand was always on Jensen's stomach and he made a little excited noise every time he could feel a nudge against his hand. And not for the first time Jensen was glad, over joyed was a better word, that he had the younger man with him for this pregnancy.   
_________________________________________________________________  
Jensen stretched out and turned his head to look at Jared. The younger mans chest was heaving but he had a smile plastered on his face. After a few seconds he turned to look at Jensen.   
"That is my favorite position ever," he informed him.  
Jensen smile widened. "You like it when I ride you?"  
Jared shook his head frantically. "Oh yeah," he said. "There is nothing sexier than that."  
"Even though I look like a whale?"  
Jared frowned. "You don't look like a whale," he told him. He rolled closer to Jensen and buried his face in his shoulder. "You look beautiful." He kissed Jensen shoulder. "You look radiant." Another kiss to the shoulder. "You look gorgeous."  
"You say the invests things to me after sex."  
"Do you want me to tell you more often?" He asked rolling away a bit so he could look at Jensen better. "Do you need me to tell you more how amazing and beautiful and wonderful and gorgeous you are? Because I will Jen. I will tell you it every second of every minute of every hour of every day we are married."  
Jensen smiled softly. "We're married," he whispered. He lifted his hand to look at the rings on his fingers. "YOU married ME."  
"Yeah I did." Jared snorted a laugh and moved closer again. "I feel drunk," he said. "Have I been drinking?"  
"No. But I know how you feel. I am just so happy right now."  
Jared placed a hand on Jensen's stomach and rubbed it gently. "She awake?"  
"Sleeping I think. Her movements just still not too long ago."  
"She was moving while..."  
Jensen nodded. "I was excited so she was too"  
Jared's hand stilled. "Doesn't that feel weird?"  
"Not really. It used to feel weird but now it is just something that goes along with the pregnancy. I used to have to remind myself that she doesn't know what we are doing and just reacting to my feelings but now I have just accepted to."  
Jared's hand started moving again. "I like being able to feel her move."  
"I know what you mean."  
Jared shimmied down the bed a bit and place a kiss to Jensen's stomach. The younger man laid his head down on his stomach and sighed deeply.  
"Is the ultrasound machine still out of the question?"  
Jensen slapped Jared on the back of the head lightly.  
"I'll take that as a yes," he mumbled.


	34. Reception

Although Jensen wanted to wait to have their reception he was surprised to find out Jared already had one planned. So two weeks after his wedding Jensen found himself in a tailored suit heading to his wedding reception.  
"I hate you," he mumbled to Jared as he fiddled with his tie.  
"Stop fussing with that," Jared scolded.  
Jensen sent him a heated look.   
"If looks could kill," Jared gasped jokingly.  
"You're lucky I love you so much."  
Jared took one hand off the steering wheel and grabbed one of Jensen's hands. "I love you too, baby."  
"Baby?"  
"Don't like it? I could call you something else."  
"No I...I actually really like that."  
Jared brushed his thumb over Jensen's knuckle. "Then 'baby' it is."  
Jensen burrowed further down into his seat and sighed. With his free hand he rubbed his belly trying to get Alex to roll away from her spot where she was currently sticking a limb into his ribs. Breathing was kind of painful at the moment.  
"Ow," he whispered.  
"You okay?"   
"She's got a limb or two pressing against my ribs."  
"Do you need me to pull over?"  
Jensen shook his head.   
"Are you sure? We've still got a few minutes drive before we are at the place, can you really deal with it?"  
"I can breath and everything it is just slightly uncomfortable."  
Jared let a long breath before turning on his blinker so that he could pull over. Once he was safely in a parking lot he turned off the car and got out.  
"What are you doing?" Jensen asked when Jared opened his car door.  
"Come on," Jared said as he lifted Jensen out of the car.   
"I hate when you could that," Jensen huffed when Jared placed him back on the ground.  
"Walk or shimmy or whatever to get that limb out of your ribs."  
Jensen took a breath then walked around the car a few times before Alex rolled away. She gave his bladder a quick jab before stilling again.  
"And now I have to pee," he grumbled.  
Jared laughed. "I'll wait here while you pee."  
Jensen gave Jared a kiss on the lips before waddling her way towards the nearest bathroom.  
Ten minutes later the two of them were back on the road again. Alex was awake and making her way around Jensen's stomach, kicking various places. Jensen was leaning back in the car seat, running his hand up and down his stomach with a smile on his face.  
"Are you happy?" Jared asked him.  
"Very much so," he whispered.  
Jensen must have drifted to sleep at some point because he was awoken by Jared shaking him softly. He looked around and found that they were outside of a small lodge. There were rolling hills and high trees behind in with a lake not too far away.   
"It's beautiful here," Jensen whispered.  
Jared smiled over at him. "I was hoping you'd think so."  
Jensen got out of the car and took a deep breath of the crips air. After a few minutes Jared came over and wrapped an arm around Jensen's waist.  
"So did I do good?" Jared whispered against his hair.  
Jensen nodded. He turned towards Jared and wrapped his arms around his neck. "It's beautiful here."  
Jared kissed Jensen's temple. "I wanted this to be special." A brisk breeze picked up causing Jensen to shiver a bit. "Come one let's get inside."  
"Jared?"  
"Yeah baby?"  
"I love you."  
"I love you too."  
The inside of the lodge was warm and packed with people. Two years ago Jensen would have turned around and left the lodge to be away from the sheer amount of people. Now though, now he just attached himself to Jared's side and mingled with the people around them.   
"Look at you," someone called from the doorway of the lodge.   
Jensen turned to look at the doorway and saw Lydia standing there. She was wearing a black dress and an ugly sneer.  
"What are you doing here?" Jeff demanded as he pushed through the crowd.  
"Haven't you ever heard of party crashers?" She slurred.   
"She's drunk. Lets just call her a cab and get her home," Jensen said.   
"No," she shouted. "I am not going anywhere without you. I love you Jensen. We can be together again."  
"Lydia," Jensen sighed. He moved closer to the drunk woman dragging Jared close behind him. "I'm married now."  
"So?"  
"So I love Jared and I am not leaving him."  
"But he's made you..." She looked him up and down and sneered. "Fat."  
"I'm not fat Lydia, I'm pregnant."  
"Pregnant?" She spat.  
"Yes, pregnant." Jensen ran his hand lovingly over his stomach. "We're having a little girl."  
Lydia's face turned bright red and she stormed closer to Jensen. "This should be my baby," she shouted. "How could you do this to me? To us?"  
"You left me Lydia. YOU left ME. I didn't do anything to me or us. You did it all on your own."  
Lydia burst out crying. "I was wrong Jensen. I'm sorry. Please, please take me back."  
Jared moved in front of Jensen so that Lydia couldn't get any closer to him. "Can I take you home?" He asked.  
"Not without Jensen."  
"Jensen is staying here."  
Lydia let out a scream and rushed at Jared. The younger man wrapped his arms around her and spun her so that his back was against his chest, her hands held in between his large hands.   
"Let go of me," she screamed. She struggled a bit but stopped. She turned her head so that she could look at Jared. "Is this why he is staying with you? Because you manhandle him into submission?"  
"What?"  
"You like to hit him? Cause him pain?"  
Jared let go of Lydia like she was physically burning him. "What is wrong with you?"  
Lydia laughed. "Come along Jensen," she said holding a hand out for him. "Let's go home."  
"I'm not going anywhere with you Lydia."  
"Yes you are," she yelled stomping her foot like a child.   
"Ms.?"  
Everyone that had been paying attention to the scene looked up to see a police officer standing behind Lydia. The woman turned around to look at the officer.  
"What?" She screamed at him.  
"Come with me please." The officer held out his hand for her. "I am going to be taking you home."  
Lydia shook her head. She turned to look at Jensen with tears in her eyes. "Do you really not love me anymore?"  
"No Lydia, I really don't love you anymore."  
She shook her head and turned towards the officer. "Okay," she whispered. "Take me home."  
The room was quiet for a few minutes. Jared moved closer to Jensen and wrapped his arms around him as the silence stretch on. Finally he bent down and kissed Jensen on the cheek.  
"You okay?"  
Jensen nodded his head. "I feel bad for her."  
"I do too. But she put herself in the situation she is in. She let you go and now she is going to have to live with it."  
"She called me fat."  
"Well she is clearly crazy," Jared whispered running a hand up and down Jensen's stomach. "You're not fat. You're beautiful."  
Jensen shook his head and buried his head in Jensen's chest. "I think you are the crazy one."  
Jared laughed. The room was slowly starting to gain noise again and music was starting to play. Slowly Jared started to sway slowly to the song that was playing.   
"I love this song," Jensen whispered.  
"I know you do. It's why I picked it."  
"You picked it?"  
"I picked all of the music for."  
"And is it all music that I love?"  
"With a few songs that I love thrown in."  
Jensen looked up at Jared. "And is our song part of that?"  
"Of course."  
Jensen placed his head against Jared's chest again. "Of course it is."  
The two of them continued to sway to the music until Jensen's feet couldn't take it anymore. Eventually Jared led him over to one of the tables and sat him down while he went to find some food for them to eat.  
"Well this has been interesting so far," Danny said as he sat down next to Jensen. He set Kelly down on his lap and smiled. "How are you doing?"  
"My feet hurt."  
"Other than that?"  
"I'm fine. I'm happy. Except for the Lydia moment everything has been perfect."  
Danny looked up and watched as Jared came walking back over. "That would be my cue to leave." H stood up, situating Kelly on his hip. "I'll talk to you later."  
"When was the last time I told you that you are the cutest thing in the world?"  
"Cutest? What happened to me being sexy?"  
Jared sat down, placing the plates down before leaning close to Jensen so that he could kiss him. "You're sexy and cute and beautiful and..."  
"You can stop that now," Jensen mumbled.  
"You like when I do that."  
"You know I do."  
They continued to eat in a comfortable silence. The guests around them moved about the room but none of them came up to them until they were done eating. Once Jensen placed his fork down on his empty plate he was nearly suffocated with the amount of well wishers and worried guests that came up to him. After an hour of it he had to excuse himself so that he could get some fresh air.  
"There you are," Jared whispered into his ear. The younger man snaked his arm around Jensen's waist and pulled him against his back. "What are you doing out here?"  
"I needed some fresh air."  
Jared hummed against the back of his head. He placed a kiss there. "Are you having fun?"  
"You know I am."  
Jared nodded. "But?"  
"No but."  
"Really?"  
Jensen nodded. "I really am enjoying myself. I just got a little overwhelmed for a moment in there."  
"There is a lot of people in there." Jared rubbed a hand up and down Jensen's stomach. "Is she causing you anymore problems?"  
"No. She's been rather good to me all night. She's only sent me to the bathroom four times."  
"Good girl," Jared cooed to his stomach. He sighed heavily. "Only a few more months."  
"Three more months," Jensen confirmed.   
"God, I'm scared."  
"What?"  
Jared pulled away from Jensen. Looking over his shoulder Jensen watched as Jared started to pace a little behind him. When he caught him looking he stilled and moved to stand next to Jensen with his hands draped over the railing.   
"What if I am a bad dad?" He whispered, not looking at Jensen.  
"Jared..."  
"I see you with your niece and nephews and I know you are going to be a good dad. You're a natural with them. But me?" He looked down at his hands. "I've never held a new born before. I've never had to change a newborn. What if I mess up? What if I hurt her?"  
Jensen moved closer to Jared and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're going to be an amazing dad."  
"How do you know?"  
"Because you are an amazing person. You're amazing with Jack and Kelly and Evan. They are only been your niece and nephews for two weeks but they were already that way before hand. And so what if you've never held a newborn before. All of this is going to be trial and error and we're going to figure it out together."  
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"  
"It's been a few minutes," Jensen joked. "And I love you too."  
Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him into his chest. He kissed him in the top of the head and they stood there in each others arms for a while. Eventually though Jeff came out to bring them back in so that they could continue the nights festivities.


	35. Pretzel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shortness of this chapter. I just thought it was cute and I didn't want it to get muddled up in another longer update. I promise to have something longer out soon. Enjoy!

The house felt like it was twenty below when Jared walked in. He was afraid that if he stood in one position for too long he would freeze to death. Rushing to the thermostat he had every intention of turning the heat up when Josh came walking into the hallway from the living room.  
"I would touch that if I were you," he warned Jared.  
"But it's absolutely freezing in here."  
"According to your husband it is unbelievably warm in here."  
"Jared? Is that you?" Jensen called from the living room.  
"Yeah baby, I'm home," Jared called back.  
"Can you come in here, please?"  
Jared shot a look at Jensen. "Am I in trouble?" He asked Josh quietly.  
Josh shrugged.   
"Great," he mumbled.   
Walking into the room he found Jensen laying on the couch in shorts and one of Jared's shirts. A wide smile spread across his face when he saw the younger man and made grabby hands at him.  
"I want a kiss," Jensen pouted when Jared didn't move.  
Laughing, Jared moved closer to Jensen so that he could bend down and kiss him on the lips.  
"How was your day?" He asked settling down next to Jensen.  
Jensen shrugged. "Fine. I've got writers block and Alex has been kicking me in the ribs since twelve. Not to mention I am craving anything and everything that might have mustard in or on it."  
"Mustard?"  
"Don't give me that look," Jensen mumbled.   
"I'm not giving you a look."  
Jensen shifted away from Jared so that he could look at him. "I love you."  
Jared knew he was about to end up in a trap. He froze and looked at his husband. If he asked him what he wanted Jensen would get angry at him. If he said I love you back he would get a look for not knowing what Jensen really wanted.   
"How about I go out and get you a soft pretzel?"  
Jensen's face lit up and he scooted closer to Jared again so that he could kiss him. "You're the greatest husband ever."  
"I know, I know."  
Jensen gave Jared one more kiss before turning away from him to continue whatever he had been doing before he got home. When Jared didn't stand up right away, instead sitting a few minutes longer on the couch to watch Jensen write an outline, Jensen gave him a look.  
"Jared?"  
"Oh, yeah, pretzel," Jared mumbled standing from the couch.  
Twenty minutes later Jared walked back into the freezing cold house in a sweatshirt. With the pretzel in hand he found his way to Jensen and handed him the salty treat that had a giant glob of mustard it a container next to it.  
"Baby?"   
Jensen looked up and his eyes locked onto the pretzel. "I love you!" He cheered reaching for the pretzel.  
"Love you too," Jared said as he passed it to him.  
“How did I end up with such a caring and loving husband?” Jensen asked around a big bite of the pretzel. He broke off a piece and dipped into the glob of mustard. “I mean really,” he continued, “you are like the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.”  
“All of this praise because I got you a salted soft pretzel?”  
Jensen shrugged. “It’s a good pretzel.”  
Jared leaned forward and wiped some mustard off of Jensen’s mouth. He sucked the digit into his mouth. “What?” He asked when he realized Jensen was following his every move closely.   
Jensen shook his head. He put the pretzel down and stalked closer to Jared. “Have I told you have sexy you are?”  
“Wow you can go from hungry to horny really quickly,” Jared teased.  
Jensen pouted. “Are you making fun of me?”  
“I wouldn’t dream of it baby.”   
Jared snaked his hand behind Jensen’s neck and pulled the older man closer. Their lips connected in a sweet kiss that Jensen promptly deepened. With more force than Jared thought he hand he pushed Jared onto his back and straddled him. When he bent down to kiss Jared his belly got in the way.  
“Jared,” he whined.  
Jared lifted up on his elbows and leaned forward as much as he could so that he could kiss Jensen. Although the angle kind of hurt him he knew that Jensen wanted it this way so he adjusted until he was in slightly less pain. They continued to kiss until someone cleared their throat and Jensen sprung away from Jared.  
“There are children in this house,” Josh scolded from the hallway doorway. “If you’re going to be doing that do it in your room.”  
With the mood officially killed Jensen let out an annoyed huff and scrambled off of Jared’s lap. Picking up the pretzel again he took a bite of it while staring daggers at his older brother. Jared flopped back onto the couch willing his erection to go away.


	36. No Sex

If Jared wasn't already considering being a doctor Jensen would have suggested it to him. The younger man had made sure that Jensen was on strict bed rest just like his doctor had told him. Whenever he was home Jensen was not allowed out of bed unless it was to go to the bathroom. This left Jensen extremely bored and left to do nothing but work on his book.

            "I'm bored," Jensen whined when Jared walked into the room.

            The younger man gave Jensen a look before retreating into the en suite. He came back several minutes later dressed in sweat pants and a loose fitting shirt. Looking at him Jensen wished he still had the same libido that he had just a month prior. Now that he stuck in bed all day he can't get himself as aroused as he used to be.

            "What's that look?" Jared asked as he climbed into bed.

            "You look so sexy."

            "Oh yeah?" Jared rolled closer to Jensen. "What do you want to do about it?"

            Jensen moved away from Jared. "Nothing."

            "Nothing?"

            "I just really don't have any sex drive right now. I think it's the bed rest."

            Jared pouted. "Too bad you have to stay on it for the next two months. I'm gonna miss sex."

            Jensen shot his husband a glare. "Well sorry that your daughter is making me lose my libido," he mumbled rolling into his side to give Jared his back.

            "Baby," Jared said placing his hand on Jensen's shoulder.

            Jensen shrugged his hand away.

            "Come on baby turn around."

            "Go away Jared," Jensen mumbled.

            "Come on my beautiful husband," Jared cooed. "Turn around and look at me."

            Jensen turned to look at Jared. The younger man had his patent puppy dog look that always made Jensen turn to goop.

            "I'm sorry," Jared whispered. "I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I love making love to you. But if you don't feel up to it then you don't feel up to it and I will have to learn to deal."

            "I'm sorry I am so moody."

            "No need to be sorry. You're growing our daughter and she is playing with your hormones right, left and center. I have learned to work with it."

            "She's awake. Do you want to feel her?"

            Jared scooted as close to Jensen as he could and placed a hand on his stomach. Right away Alex kicked against his hand. "God I can't get enough of that."

            "I know what you mean."

            "Has she been active all day?"

            "She sleeps a lot. I think it's because she doesn't have any stimulation since I am stuck in bed all day."

            Jared followed the movement around Jensen's stomach and smiled every time his hand was kicked. Eventually he leaned forward and began whispering things to his belly that Jensen couldn't quite make out. It was peaceful and nice and although Jensen was bored out of his mind he was glad he got to have moments like this with his husband.

            "You hungry?" Jared asked after he was done whispering to his stomach. "I was thinking about ordering some food so that we can cuddle in bed until we fall asleep."

            "We could cuddle on the couch," Jensen suggested.

            "You're not getting out of this bed Jensen Ross Padalecki," Jared scolded.

            Jensen's retort dried in his mouth when Jared referred to him as 'Jensen Padalecki'. Every time he is reminded that he is married to the beautiful man in front of him his heart squeezes and he momentarily forgets how to breath. It still seems like a deal sometimes. Like if he closes his eyes he'll be back in that hospital bed mourning the loss of his friends and suffering the ache of his impending divorce.

            "Hey now," Jared whispered swiping his thumb over Jensen's cheek. "No tears, baby."

             Jensen ran his hand over his cheeks and wiped the tears off his face. "Damn hormones," he sobbed lightly.

            "It's okay. Tell me what you were thinking about."

            "I was thinking about how lucky I am to have you," Jensen cried. "You're just so perfect and amazing that sometimes it still feels like a dream."

            "I know how you feel," Jared said. He leaned forward and kissed Jensen on the forehead. "Sometimes when I wake up next to you in bed I have to pinch myself to remember that this is all real."

            Jensen snuggled closer to Jared and cried into the fabric of his t-shirt. By the time the tears subsided Jared's shirt had a wet spot just over his heart.

            "I got snot all over your shirt," Jensen said, hiccupping in between each word.

            Jared cupped the back of Jensen's hand and pulled him close for a kiss. "It's fine," he whispered against him lips. "It'll dry."

            "Jared?"

            "Yeah baby?"

            "I'm hungry."

            Jared laughed and released Jensen. "I'll go order the food and be right back, okay?"

            "Okay."

            Jensen sighed and sprawled out on the bed when Jared left. Reaching over, he pinched his arm just to make sure that it was real. When he didn't wake up a smile crept over his features and he sighed again.

________________________________________________________________________

            "You okay?" Jared called from the bedroom.

            "She doesn't like Chinese," Jensen shouted back in between bouts of sickness.

            "Is this normal? Should you be getting sick this late in the pregnancy?"      

            "I used to get sick all the time with Jack."

            "So it's normal?" Jared asked coming into the bathroom.

            "Perfectly normal," Jensen assured him.

            Jared sat down next to Jensen and ran his hand down his back. "I hate seeing you sick.'

            "It's all part of the wonders of pregnancy."

            "I still hate it," he mumbled against Jensen's shoulder. He kissed the bare skin. "You okay now?"

            "I believe so. I think I'll just hang out next to the toilet for the next little while though."

            Jared pulled Jensen into the v of his spread legs and flushed the toilet. "I guess we'll be hanging out in here until you feel better."

            "You don't have to stay in here with me," Jensen protested.

            "I am not leaving this bathroom until you do."

            "You are very stubborn."

            "I know," Jared said with a shrug. "You never told me what you did today."

            "I did some more outlining for my book."

            "Any real writing?"

            Jensen shook his head. "I've got no inspiration. I've been spending all day in bed the last few weeks so nothing has been coming to me."

            "Anything I can help you with?"

            "Nope. Just something I've gotta suffer through alone."

            Jared kissed Jensen's temple. "Well just inform me if there is anything I can for you."

            "You could let me..."

            "I am not going to let you go off of bed rest until either the doctor says you can or after Alex is born. No sooner."

            Jensen sighed and leaned back against Jared. "Fine," he mumbled. "How is your leg feeling?"

            "It's fine. No real pain. How about yours?"

            "Constantly killing me. I think even if you did let me go down stairs I don't think I could. Re-hurting it and the added weight of the pregnancy is causing it to hurt. A lot."

            "Does it hurt when you are laying in bed?"

            Jensen shook his head. "I think that is the only time it doesn't hurt."

            Jared was quiet for a few minutes. "Maybe we should cancel your upcoming appointment. I don't want you walking around if it just puts you in a lot of pain."

            "I am not missing that appointment. It could be the last one before Alex is born."

            "But she's not due for another month or so. Maybe we can see if we can find a doctor who will make a house call."

            "But I like me doctor," Jensen pouted.

            "If you are in as much pain as you say you are I don't want you hurting yourself more."

            "I'm not made of glass, Jared," Jensen sighed.

            "Right now you might as well be. But we'll worry about this in a few days as your appointment draws closer, okay?"

            "Okay. Now can you help me towards the toilet? I think I am going to puke."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jensen could kiss his doctor. In fact he briefly thought about it when the man walked into his bedroom the day of his appointment with Jared following behind him wheeling in an ultrasound machine. When Jared had called and tried to cancel their appointment his doctor had been adamant that Jensen could  not miss it. After a little bit if a discussion the good doctor agreed to do a home visit.

            "Wow," the doctor remarked when he came to a stop next to Jensen. "Looks like you have put on some weight."

            "Since I can't be as active as I was before I kind of gained some weight," Jensen said rubbing his hands over his stomach. "So far I have gained ten pounds since the beginning of my bed rest."

            The doctor took a chart out of seemingly nowhere and started to look it over. "That would mean you have gained almost thirty pounds. Normally I would suggest cutting back, small means throughout the day, but considering that you weighed so little at the beginning of the pregnancy I am going to let it slid. How has the babies movements been?"

            "She's been really strong. She loves to kick me in the ribs and bladder. She's awake right now."

            The doctor pulled out a measuring tape and began taking measurements. After that he did as many tests as he could with instruments that he pulled out of his bag by his feet. Finally he went over and grabbed the ultrasound machine that Jared left by the door and wheeled it over.

            "Let's see the little ones progress, shall we?"

            Jared, who had been quiet until this point, grabbed Jensen's hand. "Doctor?"

            "Yes Jared?"

            "Is late term sickness normal?"

            Jensen sighed. "Jared..."

            "I just want to make sure."

            "Many pregnant people experience sickness all throughout the pregnancy. Considering Jensen was so sick at the beginning I am not surprised to hear that he is still getting sick now. How frequent is it?"

            "Not at all frequent."

            "Then I am not worried."

            They went silent when the doctor squirted the gel onto Jensen's stomach. He rolled the wand around until finally the grainy image on their daughter appeared. True to Jensen's word Alex was moving around on the screen, even kicking the transmitter while the doctor was taking some measurements.

            "She's a strong little one," the doctor commented.

            "So she's okay?" Jared asked.

            The doctor smiled indulgently at him. Whenever they see the doctor one of them asked if she was oaky. "She's perfect."

            "Am I still set to deliver on my due date?"

            "She's rather large," the doctor muttered as he took another measurement.

            "So?" Jared prompted.

            "So she might come early."

            "How early?"

            "Next three weeks maybe. But she might also decide that she is comfortable in there and not want to come out."

            Jensen looked over at Jared. "So we might be meeting her sooner than excepted?"

            "There is a possibility."

            "I am perfectly fine with that," Jared informed them.

            Jensen took Jared's hand and squeezed. "Me too."


	37. Along time coming

For most of his pregnancy Jensen worshipped his doctor. If he loved Jared he loved his doctor just a tiny bit more. The man was there through the miscarriage of the first pregnancy then helped both Jensen and Jared's minds at ease during this pregnancy. In Jensen's eyes the man could do no wrong. That was before Jensen's due day passed with no sign of him going into labor.  
"Is it safe to enter the room?" Jared called from the hallway. He had been banned from the room several hours ago after making a comment about Jensen's lack of labor.   
Jensen lifted his head from the pillow and looked at the open door. "Is that ice cream in your hand?"  
"You really think I would be stupid enough to poke a bear without some sort of distraction."  
Jensen sniffed and wiped at the tears that suddenly started falling. "Am I really that awful of a person?"  
"Whoa," Jared said rushing into the room. He placed the bowl of ice cream on the table and climbed into the bed. "Where is that coming from?"  
"Have I been unbearable this whole time?"  
"Of course not. You've been totally bearable."  
"But you just said..."  
Jared kissed Jensen. "I was joking baby."  
"I just want her out. I want to hold her and...and... and I just don't want to be pregnant anymore."  
"You don't like being pregnant?"  
Jensen ran his hand up and down his stomach. "I do like being pregnant. What I don't like is being pregnant almost a week past my due date. What happened to her being three weeks early?"  
"She'll come when she's ready."  
"Why can't she just come now," he whined.  
"She's part you."  
"What does that mean?"  
"She's got your stubborn streak."   
Jensen crossed his arms over his stomach. "I am not stubborn."  
"Yes you are. But it is one of the things I love about you."  
"Flatterer," Jensen whispered. "Can I have my ice cream now?"  
Jared laughed and passed the bowl of ice cream over to Jensen. "It's your favorite. Not that I would have risked entering the room with anything but."  
"You are the greatest man ever," Jensen muttered as he shoveled ice cream into his mouth.   
"I talked to the doctor."  
Jensen stopped eating and looked over at Jared. "What? Why?"  
"Sometimes with delayed labor you have to worry about infections. Since you've been two centimeters dilated for a few days..."  
"How do you know I am two centimeters dilated?"  
"I...um...eat your ice cream."  
Jensen pointed his spoon at Jared. "If I didn't love and trust you so much then I would find you creepy."  
"Anyways, the doctor said that if your labor doesn't start up naturally then we have to go in and have you induced."  
"When will we be doing that exactly?"  
"If you don't go into labor as late as Thursday we have to go in."  
"So in two days?"  
"Yup."  
Jensen took another bite of ice cream. "What if I told you I have been feeling cramping all day?"  
"Is it hypothetical or have you really been feeling cramping?"  
Jensen shrugged.  
"This is serious Jen," Jared huffed. "Are you labor or not?"  
"Not. I'm pretty sure they were just Braxton Hicks."  
"Pretty sure?"  
"Positive."  
Jared let out a long, unsteady breath. "Don't scare me like that."  
Just then a wave of pain shot through Jensen causing him to hiss. "Not Braxton Hicks," he panted out. "We're a go."  
"Really?" Jared asked as he jumped out of bed. He scrambled over to Jensen and place a hand on his stomach; the area rippling right as his hand made contact. "Oh yeah, we're a go."  
"Get...Sonofabitch...Get the car," Jensen hissed.  
"But...you...stairs?"  
"Danny."  
"Danny?" Jared repeated.   
"Get him."  
"Oh," Jared shrieked. He ran out of the room only to reappear several moments later. "I forgot your bag."  
"Go!"   
"I'm going, I'm going."  
Jensen panted through a contraction and waited for it to subside. He couldn't believe that he had been in labor this whole time without noticing. As the contraction tapered off Danny walked into the room calmly.  
"I hear we're at a go."  
"Get me out of this bed," Jensen gritted out.  
"Contraction?"  
Jensen shook his head. "I'm in a brief moment in between. I'd really like to get out of here before..."  
"Now you're having a contraction?"  
Jensen nodded his head and grabbed onto Danny's hand. The older man let out a hiss of pain as Jensen squeezed it.  
"They are coming fast," Jensen panted out after the contraction.  
"How long have you been in labor?"  
Jensen shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Just get me to the damn hospital."  
Danny helped Jensen down the stairs and out into the car where an extremely frantic looking Jared sat. When Jared sees Jensen and Danny exiting the house and gets out of the car and runs over to them. He takes Jensen's hand from Danny and leads him over to the car.  
"How you holding up?" He asked as he helped Jensen up.  
"Everything hurts," Jensen whimpered.  
When Jared had Jensen situated he bent down and kissed him on the forehead. "I know," he whispered. "But just think that after all of this we will have our little girl with us."  
"Alex," Jensen sighed, running his hand over his stomach.  
"Yeah."  
Jensen nodded. "What are you waiting for? Let's go have our baby."  
Jared laughed. He kissed Jensen forehead again then straightened up. "That sounds like a great idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to warn you guys that I am in Europe! I've been trying to update but first I had no internet assess in Rome and almost no time to update in Florence. But now I am sitting in a hotel in Barcelona with nothing to do so I thought I'd post this. Sorry it is short. But hey at least we're getting closer to Alex's birth!


	38. And baby makes three

Jared has seen Jensen in various stages of discomfort. After his miscarriage his abdomen was uncomfortable. His leg makes him uncomfortable almost every day. Alex kicking him makes him uncomfortable sometimes. What he has never seen is Jensen in pain. Real, genuine, screaming pain. Now that he is in labor though Jared is experiencing it.

            "Jay," Jensen whimpered into his chest "Hurts."

            Jared ran his hand up and down Jensen's back. "I know baby," he mumbled. "But you are doing so well."

            Jensen grumbled something incoherent right as a contraction hit him. His grip on Jared's shirt tightened, his nails digging into Jared's pec.

            "Ow, ow, fuck, ow," he screamed; the sound muffled in Jared's shirt.

            Jared continued to rub Jensen's back through the contraction and when it was done he kissed his husband on the forehead.

            "They're getting so close together," he commented. When all of this started a few short hours ago Jensen's contractions had been few and far between but the moment his water broke about an hour ago they got closer and closer together. Now they were eight to ten minutes apart and Jensen was in a pain.

            "Yeah and they fucking hurt."

            "You sure you don't want drugs? I don't think you are too far along for them."

            Jensen waved a dismissive hand. "I was in labor with Jack for almost twenty four hours. This is moving along much quicker."

            There was a light knock on the door then it was pushed open to reveal Jensen's doctor. The man was all smiles as he entered the room.

            "Well hello there you two," he said walking closer to Jensen's bed. "How are you doing in here?"

            "Pretty good considering," Jensen said.

            The doctor hummed and walked over to the machine that was reading out Jensen's contractions. He looked them over and hummed again. "You are moving along rather quickly. I think I will take a peek to see where we're at, okay?"

            "Not like I have that much of a choice," Jensen mumbled.

            The doctor chuckled and helped Jensen get his feet into the stirrups. Jared watched as he snapped a pair of gloves on before reaching in between Jensen's legs.

            "Hey Jared?"

            Jared turned away from watching the doctor to look at Jensen. "Yeah?"

            "I know you're practically a doctor but could you not look?"

            Jared nodded and moved to sit down next to Jensen. "No problem."

            "Thank you."

            There was another chuckle from the doctor. "You're an overachiever," he announced as he moved from between Jensen's legs. "You've been here barely three hours and you are already at seven centimeters."

            "Really?"

            "Yes. I think that if you continue at this rate you will be at push in another hour or so."

            "You also told me I was going to have her early," Jensen mumbled.

            "Yes well..."

            "Oh fuck," Jensen shouted as another contraction started.

            "At this point drugs are out right?" Jared asked as Jensen gripped his hand tightly.

            "Unfortunately yes," the doctor said as he wrote some things down in Jensen's chart. "But he is progressing along quick enough that he'll be fine without them."

            "Don't want them anyways," Jensen slurred.

            The doctor patted Jensen's thigh. "I'll be in to check on you in about an hour."

            "Thanks doctor," Jared grunted out as Jensen continued to squeeze his hand.

            "Am I being unbearable?" Jensen asked once his contraction had ebbed.

            "You're being totally bearable," Jared told him as he tried to get the feeling back into his hand.

            "Yeah?"

            "Yes." Jared leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

            Jensen nodded his head. "I'm tired."

            "Try and get some sleep. I'll wake you when the doctor gets back."

            It took almost twenty minutes before Jensen's breathing evened out. Jared sat and watched him as he slept. He saw his husbands stomach ripple with a contraction but when all Jensen did was whimper softly without waking up he breathed a sigh of relief. Even though Jensen had only been in labor for three hours he had still been in a lot of pain so seeing him getting some sleep was putting Jared at ease.

            With Jensen asleep Jared could sit and think about how much his life was about to change. He was about to become a dad. Another human being was about to be brought into the world that he was going to be his responsibility for the next eighteen years. Although he knew that the thought should freak him out he had never been more excited for something in his life. He couldn't wait to hold his little girl in his arms for the first time. The idea of being able to hold the little being that had been kicking his hand for the last few months brought tears to his eyes. He picked up Jensen's hand and held onto it as he silently cried.

            "Jared?" Jensen whispered.

            Jared dropped Jensen's hand and used both of his to wipe at the tears on his face. "Yeah baby?"

            "Are you okay?"

            "I'm fine."

            "Why are you crying?" Jared could hear the panic rising in his husbands voice. "You're not regretting this are you?"

            Jared jumped forward and bent over Jensen. He took the older man's face in his hands and kissed him. "I could never regret this," he told him. "I'm just so excited to meet our little girl."

            "Me too," Jensen whispered. "When will the doctor be back?"

            "Soon. You were only asleep for about half an hour. How are you feeling?"

            "I feel...son of a bitch," Jensen hissed. is hand fisted in Jared's shirt and pulled him close. "You need to get the doctor."

            "Why?"

            "I think something is wrong."

            Jared jumped back away from Jensen and ran out of the room where he collided with Jensen's doctor.

            "Is everything okay?" The doctor asked.

            "Jensen thinks that there is something wrong."

            The doctor nodded and moved in front of Jared. "Let's go check," he said as he lead the younger man back into the room.

            Jensen was on his side when they entered, curled in on himself. He was panting heavily; his face a dark shade of red.

            "Jared," he whined.

            Jared rushed over to his side and took his hand. "I'm here baby," he whispered as he pushed back some of Jensen's hair. "What's wrong?"

            "I don't know. It just really hurts."

            The doctor maneuvered Jensen around so that he was on his back with his feet in the stirrups. "Let's see." The room was silent for a few seconds before the doctor clapped his hands. "Like I said: overachiever. We're at push."

            "What?"

            "Your little one is already crowning," the doctor said. He stood up and removed his ruined gloves. "I will be right back. I just need to get some help in here. Do not push until I get back."

            The doctor left the room only to return several minutes later with three nurses trailing behind him. Each nurse started moving automatically in a well coordinated team. In five minutes everything was ready.

            "Okay Jensen I want you to give me a push on your next contraction."

            Jensen nodded his head. "Okay."

            Jared moved closer to Jensen and grabbed his hand. "You ready for this?"

            "Truthfully?"

            "Yeah."

            "No. But I've got to be I guess."

            "She's almost here. We're almost a full family."

            "I...oh Jesus," Jensen gasped. "Gotta push."

            "Go right ahead," the doctor said.

            Two nurses came over and helped Jensen pull his legs towards his chest. Jared stood by his head whispering encouraging words to him as he pushed through his next contraction. Suddenly Jensen cried out in pain.

            "What's wrong?"

            "My leg," he sobbed. "My leg hurts."

            "Drop his legs," the doctor ordered. "Jensen speak to me. What is wrong?"

            "I don't know. It just hurts."

            "How much? Rate your pain."

            "Eight. It's an eight."

            "Okay." The doctor moved Jensen's legs back into the stirrups. "Your baby is crowning so a few good pushes will be to get her out. I need to get her out before I can check on you."

            Jensen nodded. He tensed. "Need to push."

            Twenty minutes later and Alex was born screaming. She was placed on Jensen's chest and scrubbed down until her skin turned a healthy pink color.

            "Look at her," Jensen said. He reached his hand out so that he could run it over Alex's cheek. "Hello there sweetheart."

            "She's beautiful," Jared whispered. "Look what we made."

            "We have to take her to look her over," a nurse said. "And after you deliver the after birth we want to check your leg over."

            "Can Jared stay with her?" Jensen asked.

            "Of course. Your baby will never be out of either of your sights."

            Jared kissed Jensen on the lips. "I love you so much," he told him.

            "I love you too."

            The nurse lifted Alex off of Jensen's chest and whisked her to the other side of the room with Jared trailing behind them. He watched as the two nurses measured, weighed and pricked her tiny little foot. After announcing that she was eight pounds nine ounces, twenty inches long and looking otherwise healthy the nurse passed her to Jared.  

            "Congratulations," she said as she handed the now quiet baby to Jared. "She's beautiful."

            Now that Alex was in Jared's arms all of the worries bled away. One look at the tiny bundle made him forget about his worries of being a bad father. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure that his little girl got anything and everything she ever wanted.

            He moved back over to Jensen in time to hear that Jensen had managed to strain the repaired muscles in his leg. Fortunately it wasn't a serve injury, unfortunately it was going to hurt him for the time being.

            "Congratulations again," the doctor said as he left the room.

            "How does she look?" Jensen asked as Jared lowered himself gingerly into the chair.

            "Like you."

            "Really?"

            Jared nodded. He peeled the blanket away from Alex's face so that Jensen could see him better. Their little girl was the carbon copy of Jensen and Jared wouldn't have it any other way.        

            "She has your nose," Jensen said.

            "Wanna hold her?"

            Jensen nodded his head frantically and held his arms out. Jared placed Alex in his arms and Jensen automatically brought her to his chest and cradled her. He cooed to her; telling her how much he loved her and how happy he was that she was finally with them. Jared sat back in the chair and smiled as he watched his husband with their daughter. At that moment he was the happiest man in the world.

            "This," he whispered to his family. "Is that greatest moment of my life."


	39. They are a miracle

Jared and Jensen got five hours alone with Alex before they got their first visitors. Jensen had just woken from a nap and was holding Alex when a light knock came at the door. After being granted entrance Danny and Josh entered with a twin on their hip and Jack walking in between them.

            "Hey," Danny said as he entered the room fully. "How are you feeling?"

            Jensen sat up some more in bed. "I feel good considering."

            "And how is the little one?"

            "She's perfect."

            Josh smiled and placed Eben on Jared's lap. "Let me see my little niece."

            Jensen hesitated for a second but passed Alex to Josh. "Careful," he warned as Josh took her.

            "I have held a new born before," Josh mumbled. "Oh my God she is adorable."

            Danny put Kelly in Jared's lap then rushed to Josh's side. "She's beautiful," he said.

            Jared laughed as he situated the twins in his lap. "That seems to be the census."

            "You got some pretty good genes, Jensen."

            "She's got some Jared in her too," Jensen argued, "so I can't take all the credit."

            "Nah baby, she's all you," Jared said.

            "She does have your nose," Danny noted.

            "That's what I said earlier."

            "How did labor go?" Danny asked as he came to sit in Jensen's left side.

            "Really fast. One second I was being admitted to the hospital and the next I was holding her."

            "Were you drugged?"

            "There was no time. I was seven centimeters dilated before the doctor even came to check on me."

            Jack, who had been patiently standing next to the bed, walked over to tug on Josh's leg. "Can I see the baby?" He asked his father.

            "Of course you can buddy," Josh said as he bent down. "This is your little cousin Alex."

            Jack placed his hands on Alex's face and kissed her. The baby fussed a little bit and blinked her eyes open to stare at Jack. She made a little noise then settled deeper into her uncle's arms and yawned.

            "She pretty," Jack told his father.

            Alex opened her eyes again and made a displeased noise. "I think someone is hungry," Josh said as he stood up.

            "She eats almost as much as her papa does," Jensen joked as he took his daughter into his arms. "Jare can you get me...?"

            "A bottle?" Jared asked as he passed a bottle to Jensen. "I got you covered."

            "You're so good to me."

            Jared smiled. "Gotta provide for the family."

            "You're so good to us," he joked as he got Alex to latch onto the bottle.

            "You're a natural with her," Danny said. "Is everything okay?" He tapped on the side of his head.

            "I think so," Jensen whispered looking down at Alex.

            "I told you that you had nothing to worry about," Josh muttered. He lifted Kelly out of Jared's lap when the twins started to fight. "You were born to be a daddy."

            Jensen snorted. "I don't know about that. But thanks."

            Alex's eyes were drooping and eventually the bottle dropped out of her mouth when she wasn't even half way done. Jensen moved her to his shoulder so that he could burp her. He patted her back until she let out a loud burp.

            "What a good burp," he cooed, settling her back into his arms. "You're so much like your papa."

            "Hey," Jared said looking up from Eben. "I feel insulted."

            "You shouldn't. That was a really good burp."

            "Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jared mumbled. He looked back up and smiled. "I love you."

            "I love you too."

            "You make Danny and I look like a bad couple," Josh mumbled. "I mean really."

            "They're still in the honey moon phase," Danny said. "Eventually they will get to where we are."

            Josh smiled. "Nah I think we will be living through the honey moon phase for the rest of our lives."

            Alex squirmed and made a distress noise. Her little hands balled into fists and she screamed. Eventually her face turned bright red as she screamed.

            "Jared...I..."

            Jared swooped down and took Alex from Jensen. He shushed her for a few seconds, rocking her gently. When she didn't stop crying Jared made a distressed noise himself and looked at the other men around him.

            "I...I don't know what to do," he admitted.

            Danny walked over. "Let me see her for a second," he said holding his hands out.

            "Okay," Jared mumbled passing him the screaming baby.

            Danny held Alex for a second before walking over to the make shift changing table. "She's just wet," he informed them.

            Jared nodded. "I'm...I'm going to go get some coffee."

            "Jared?" Jensen called out as his husband rushed out of the room.

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jared was pacing the length of the cafeteria. He knew that people were giving him worried glances but he could focus on them; he couldn't focus on anyone. He couldn't believe how bad of a dad he was. Alex was only a few hours old and already he was failing her.

            "You know when Jack was born I was convinced I was going to break him. I refused to hold him for almost two days before Danny convinced me to."

            Jared turned to look at Josh. The older man was sitting in a chair with a two coffees sitting in front of him. When he noticed Jared looking at him he motioned to the seat across from him.

            "Why you telling me this?" Jared asked as he sat down.

            "Cause I know what you are thinking. Alex is only five hours old Jared, you can't know that you are a bad dad."

            "I couldn't even tell she needed her diaper change. How the fuck I am supposed to know that there is something seriously wrong with her?"

            "Where is the optimism that Jensen is complaining about all the time?"

            "It went out the moment my daughter was born. I don't know if I can do this."

            "So what, you're just going to give up on Jensen? Leave him like Lydia did?"

            "Of course not," Jared shouted at his brother in law.

            Josh shushed Jared. "Then what Jared?"

            "I don't know! I don't know, okay?"

            "You've got to know Jared. You've got to because you've got a newborn baby and a husband who are relying on you now. Can you handle that?"

            "How do you handle it?"

            Josh shrugged. "I'm good at faking it. There were some nights right after Jack was born that I would sit by his crib to make sure he was breathing. When the twins came around I slept in their room for three nights before leaving."

            "I didn't know that," Jared mumbled.

            "Danny promised not to tell anyone. Having kids is scary. But it is also so rewarding. You have no idea. They are little miracles."

            "Is he upset with me?"

            "He's confused. But not upset. You have to remember that this is all new to him too. He wasn't around for when Jack was a baby. Alex is as much his first as she is yours."

            Jared picked up the coffee in front of him and chugged down the slightly cool liquid. He stood up. "I'm going to go back up to him," he told his brother in law.

            "Good choice."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Alex was sleeping in the rollaway cot when Jared came back into the room. When Danny saw him he gathered his children and ducked out of the room to give his brother in laws a moment to themselves. Jared took the seat next to Jensen's bed and scooted it closer to the bed.

            "I freaked out," Jared said. "For a moment there I felt like I couldn't handle all of this. I felt like I was drowning and that I was going to fail her."

            "What made you change your mind?"

            "Your brother talked me down."

            "But you're good now?"

            Jared nodded and took Jensen's hand. "I am still scared shitless but I'm good. Before she was born everything was what if and now those ifs are a reality and I just got overwhelmed for a moment. But I've got you and I know that as long as you are by my side I can do this."

            "If our roles had been reversed earlier I would have been just as freaked out as you were. I didn't know what she needed either. It's just going to be trial and error for the first few months until we can figure this all out."

            Jared lifted Jensen's hand and kissed it. "I know. I won't leave you like that again."

            "Good," Jensen whispered. "Oh and Jared?"

            "Yeah?"

            "Remind me when we get home that I need to get Josh a giant present for helping you out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got angsty really fast on me.


	40. Gotta take a nap

The drive home from the hospital is slow. Really, really slow. Jared is going about ten miles under the speed limit and turns in the road even slower. Jensen is in the back watching as Alex sleeps in her carrier trying not to laugh at Jared.

            "Jared?"

            "Yeah?" Jared mumbled. He's got his hands in the "ten and two" position; his knuckles white.

            "You can go faster."

            Jared shakes his head slowly. "Not going any faster than this."

            "It's going to take us hours to get home if you keep going at this pace. She's going to need a diaper change and several bottles before we can get home."

            "Jensen..."

            "Jared seriously. Go a little faster."

            Jared whined, actually whined, before increasing his speed by five. They were still being passed by almost every car on the road but at least they were moving a little faster.

            "My parents are going to be at the house when we get there," Jared informed him.

            "If we get there," Jensen mumbled.

            "What was that baby?"

            "Nothing."

            Jared laughed lightly. "Anyways, my mom is excited to meet Alex. She had this whole plan where she was going to watch her while we had time alone but I told her that wasn't going to happen. Instead she is just going to watch her while we nap."

            "A nap would be nice. How long until we are home?"

            "Twenty minutes."

            "Twenty minutes? We only live twenty minutes away and we left half hour ago."

            "I'm sorry! But I've got extremely precious cargo in my back seat and I am not risking it."

            Jensen couldn't help the dopey smile that came to his face. Just two days ago Jared was freaking about being a bad father and now he was showing all the signs of being a perfect, protective one. It made Jensen's heart soar and his palms slightly sweaty.

            "Hey Jay?"

            "Yeah Jen?"

            "What would you say to a nice blow job when we get home?"

            "I can do that."

            "No Jared. I mean I want to give you head."

            "Jensen, there's a baby in the car."

            "She doesn't understand what I am saying. She doesn't know that I want to suck you big cock."

            "Jen..." Jared whined.

            "I know I have neglected your needs for the past few months but I'd really, really like to make up for it."

            Jared sped the car up just a tiny bit.

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jared's mom rushed them the moment they entered the house with Alex. She stopped briefly to drop a kiss to Jared's cheek before turning away from him to admire her granddaughter.

            "Oh Jared," she gasped, "she is the cutest baby I have ever seen."

            "Cuter than Jeff's kids?"

            Sherri turned to her son. "If you tell your brother I said that I will skin you. Remember I brought you into this world and I will take you right back out."

            "Please don't," Jensen said as he bent down to take Alex out of her carrier. "I'd really like for him to stay."

            "Of course dear. Now let me get my hands on this precious little girl."

            Jensen handed Sherri her granddaughter and stepped back. Jared snuck around the side so that he could wrap his arm around Jensen's waist.

            "So how's dad?" Jared asked his mother.

            Sherri tore her eyes away from Alex to look at her son. "He's doing well. He wanted to come but..."

            "But traveling makes him nervous. It's fine, Jensen and I will just have to make a trip down there in a few months."

            "We better leave now then. With the way that Jared drives with Alex in the car it might take up months to get there," Jensen joked.

            Jared blushed. "I just want to make sure that you guys get everywhere safe."

            "And you are doing a very good job of it. Although you should know that cops also pull you over for going too slow."

            "Jared's father was the same way when Jeff was born."

            "He wasn't like that for Megan and I?"

            "Not so much. He was used to having a baby in the back of the car by the time you guys came around. In fact he got pulled over for speeding after your little sister was born."

            "Well that's comforting," Jared mumbled.

            Alex made a distressed noise and snapped her eyes open. She took one look at her grandmother and began to cry. Jensen was about to rush forward and take the baby but Jared pulled him back and settled him so that his back was flush against his front.

            "Let my mom take care of her," he whispered into Jensen's ear. "And we can go upstairs."

            "Go, go," Sherri said as she rocked Alex. "I've got it all covered."

            "Okay," Jensen said slowly. "But if you need anything, anything at all, you can wake me up. There should be enough stuff in her diaper bag but if there isn't her nursery is the first door at the top of the stairs. Ours is the one right next door."

            "I've got it Jensen," Sherri said.

            Jared started to drag Jensen towards the stairs. "Thanks again ma," he called over his shoulder.

            "I mean it Sherri," Jensen called. "Anything."

            "Okay," she yelled.

            Jared pulled Jensen up the stairs and into their bedroom. Once the door was shut he pushed Jensen against it and kissed him.

            "I've missed this," he whispered as he trailed kisses down Jensen neck.

            Jensen flipped their position. "I said that I was going to get you off," he mumbled into Jared's ear.

            In a not so fluent motion Jensen dropped to his knees in front of Jared. He could hear the younger man's head hit the door with a 'thunk' as undid Jared's pants and pull the zipper down. When he shimmed the jeans down a bit he found that his husband wasn't wearing anything underneath.

            "How long have you been going commando?" He asked as he stared at the hard flesh in front of him.

            "Only today. If you didn't notice I haven't changed clothes since Alex was born."

            "You could have come home to change."

            Jensen could hear Jared shake his head. "Couldn't leave you two. You might have needed me and I didn't want to be away."

            "What a great husband," Jensen purrs. He ran his hand up and down Jared's thigh. "Whatever will I do to make it up to you?"

            Jared whined and slammed his head back against the door again. Jensen looked up at him as he leaned forward and took his hard length into his mouth. He bobbed his head a few times until he got the whole thing into his mouth and partially down his throat.

            "Fuck," Jared moaned.

            Jensen withdrew until just the head of Jared's cock was in his mouth; he used his right hand to slowly jack Jared off while he used the other one to roll his balls in his hand. Jared was making beautiful noises above Jensen that just spurred him on more.

            "Fuck baby, I'm not going to last long."

            Jensen took the whole of Jared's length again and hummed. Slowly he moved up and down the harden flesh until Jared whimpered again and flooded Jensen's mouth with his release.

            "Come here," Jared whispered huskily.

            Jensen moved up Jared's body and sealed his lips around the younger mans. Jared moaned into the kiss and let his hand wander down Jensen's body until he was cupping his ass.

            "God I wish I could pound into you after that amazing performance," Jared said against Jensen's lips.

            "Only a few more weeks until you can."

              "I can't wait. I'm going to draw the process out until you are begging me to let you come."

            "Promise?"

            "Yeah baby, I promise."


	41. Freedom

Two weeks after Alex was born Jared's final exams came up. In bouts of studying Jared was running around the house trying to help Danny and Josh take care of the twins and Jack while also making sure that Alex was okay. Not to mention his constant attention to Jensen and all his needs as his leg continued to heal after the straining during the birth. When he wasn't helping around the house he was secluded in the guest room the furthest away from all the noise of the children.

            Seeing Jared in such a frenzy had made Jensen feel uneasy. It makes him feel like he has stolen something from him. If Jensen hadn't gotten pregnant when he did and instead when they planned he would still be pregnant and Jared wouldn't be juggling so much at once.

            "Jared?" Jensen said as he pushed the door open.

            Jared looked up from the books that he had spread in front of him and smiled. He pushed his glasses off of his face so that they pushed back his hair. "Hey baby, what's wrong?"

            "Maybe you should get out of here," Jensen said as he opened the door to walk in further. "Stay at a friend's house or something so that you can study in peace."

            Jared made a face and looked back down at his books. "Nah, I wanna stay here. Can't leave you alone with a two week old."

            Jensen crossed his arms over his chest. "I am not alone. I've got help from my brother and Danny. Besides, you're finals are more important."

            "Nothing is more important than my family," Jared snapped.

            "Seriously Jared?"

            "Yes seriously. I've got responsibilities now and I intend to follow through on them."

            "And you can do that after you pass your finals and take one step closer to becoming a doctor," Jensen said as he dropped down next to Jared. "I know my bad luck made it so that we had Alex ahead of schedule but that doesn't mean you have to put your life completely on hold."

            "What?"

            "You should be out partying and having fun with friends. You should be worrying about your finals and which hospital you want to do your residency at and not about taking care a two week old baby and chasing after children. And sometimes I feel like I stole that from you."

            "Stole what from me?"

            "Your freedom. Your ability to do whatever you want. You're still young and should be acting that way not saddled with responsibilities."

            "I'm sorry, what?"

            "You're twenty two years old Jared. You have so much in front of you and..."

            "And I still do. The only difference is now I have someone to stand next to me while I do it."

            "But..."

            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen. "I am happy with my life. I am so fucking happy with my life. I've got an amazing husband and a damn cute kid and I wouldn't trade either of you for anything. Got it?"

            "Nothing?"

            "I had never had a meaningful relationship until you. I had quite a few meaningless hook ups and such but never anyone that I wanted to take home to my mama. Then I met you and I couldn't wait for her to meet you."

            "You wanted me because I was someone you could bring home to your mom?"

            "Jensen," Jared sighed against his cheek. "You were like a drug to me when I first met you. All I ever wanted to do was be around you. You are beautiful and strong and so damn perfect. Why would I want to trade that for something easy?"

            "Because you're young..."

            "So are you. Why aren't you doing all of those things?"

            "I have no interest in doing any of those things. I haven't had any interest in doing anything like that since my accident."

            "That's why I don't want to either."

            "Because of my accident?"

            "Yes," Jared whispered. "I nearly lost you before I ever had you. If you died that day I wouldn't have an amazing husband and damn cute kid. I'd be alone. So I want to cherish every minute I have with you because I almost didn't have any of these minutes."

            Jensen knew he had been defeated in this argument. Every time Jared brought up the possibility of them never have gotten together because of his accident Jensen would concede his side. Tonight, among all of Jared's books, was no different.

            "I still think you should go somewhere else so you can study," Jensen mumbled.

            "I'm fine here. Its far enough away from everything that the noise doesn't bother me."

            "Yeah but..."

            Just then the sound of a baby crying started up on the baby monitor that Jensen didn't realize that Jared had in the room with him. The younger man strung to his feet and made a move to head out of the room.

            "Where are you going?"

            Jared stopped and turned to Jensen. "My baby girl probably wants a bottle and a nice cuddle so I am going to give that to her."

            "But you have to study."

            Jared waved a dismissive hand. "That stuff is easy."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Turned out that stuff was as easy as Jared said it was because he passed with one of the highest grades in the class. When Jensen insisted that he go out to celebrate with his friends Jared laughed at him and kissed him.

            "Why would I want to do that when I have this cute little girl to play with?" Jared asked as he held Alex up.

            Jensen rolled his eyes and took Alex from him. "She's only three weeks old. She's isn't exactly a bunch of fun."

            Jared laughed and sat down next to Jensen. He leaned over so that his face was in front of Alex's. "No but she is the cutest baby in the world," Jared cooed. "Yes she is."

            "I love it when you baby talk," Jensen sighed.

            Jared turned his head to look at Jensen. "Was that sarcasm?"

            "No. I really do like it when you baby talk. I've liked it ever since you started doing it to my stomach when I first got pregnant."

            Jared ran his hand up and down Alex's belly. It is slightly distended at the moment because she just had a bottle so it made her look bigger then she actually was. Following her birth she lost some weight; scaring the shit out of the first time parents. It wasn't until their new pediatrician told them that it was perfectly normal that helped them calm down.

            "I can't wait until her eyes start to change color,"  Jared said as he continued to rub the sleeping babies stomach. "But all the books say six to nine months which is a drag because I want to know now."

            "I hope she has your color eyes. At least then she will have something that is yours."

            "She has my nose," Jared reminded him.

            "Which I am happy for. I swear some people are convinced that I cloned her or something."

            Jared laughed and sat up on the couch, slinging an arm around Jensen's shoulder. "About my graduation..."

            Jensen moved closer to Jared so that he can place Alex down on his lap. "Is this where you tell me you don't want to go?"

            "You know me way too well," Jared said as he placed his head on Jensen's shoulder.

            "Why don't you want to go?" Jensen asked as he ran his hand through Jared's hair. "I thought you'd want to celebrate."

            "Nah. They can just send me the diploma."

            "What about your parents? Don't you think they want to see you graduate and get your diploma?"

            "My mom will be there but my dad won't travel. I just want to stay home that night and spend time with you and our baby girl."

            "We can still do that after you walk across the stage."

            Jared lifted Alex off his lap and settled her into his arms so that he could lay his head in Jensen's lap. "I don't like the idea of my whole family not being there."

            Alex opened her eyes and looked up at Jared. She made a cooing noise before burying closer to his father's chest. After a few minutes she made a distressed noise and began to quietly whimper that escalated into full on screams in seconds.

            "Diaper?" Jensen asked.

            Jared lifted their daughter and smelled her. "Nope."

            "Is she hungry?"

            The younger man ran his pointer finger along Alex's lip and waited for her to latch on. When she didn't he moved his finger and looked at Jensen. "Nope.

            "Maybe she wants to be rocked. Pass her to me so you can get up."

            Jared nodded and passed the baby over. The moment she was in Jensen's arms and settled against her chest her crying stopped.

            "I guess she just wanted her papa," Jared said as he dropped back down onto the couch.

            "I'm sorry."

            "What are you sorry for? I've had cuddle time with you and I can attest for how amazing it is."

            "Yeah but you were enjoying daddy/daughter time and I took that away from you with my magic calming skills."

            Jared snorted. "Magic calming skills?"

            "Well really it's the sound of my heart beating that puts her at ease but I want to believe it is because I am awesome."

            "You are awesome," Jared whispered as he leaned over to kiss Jensen. "Never forget that."

            "How could I when you are reminding me of the fact every chance you get?"

            "I'm a pretty damn good husband, huh?"

            "I best."

______________________________________________________________________________

            In the end Jared ended up going to his graduation. While he was back stage getting ready with all of the other graduates Jared's entire family, including Jeff and his family, came to sit in the seats Jensen had secretly reserved.

            "It's good to finally meet you," Jeff said as he sat down next to Jensen.

            "You too. I'm glad you could make it."

            Jeff shrugged. "Not going to miss this for anything. Was he really not going to walk?"

            "He didn't want to because you guys wouldn't be here. He's going to be so happy that you are here."

            "You didn't tell him did you?" Megan asked. She was leaning forward with Alex settled in her arms.

            "Of course not. He thinks it's just Danny, Josh and I."

            "Good." She sat back and looked down at Alex. "He's so going to cry," she cooed at the baby.

            "You are way too excited by the prospect of seeing your brother cry," Gerry said.

            "It's the truth though," Sherri giggled. "The moment he sees you in the crowd Gerry he will cry."

            "I know," the older man said.

            The lights flashed and the people around them took their seats. As the speeches went on Alex was traded from one person to the other until the baby ended up in Josh's lap. When the names started being called Jensen began to record the proceedings so that by the time they got to "P" the whole thing had been announced.

            "Here he comes," Jeff whispered as he rose to his feet.

            When the man announced Jared's name the whole group exploded in sound. They were so loud that Jared stopped halfway across the stage so that he could squint into the crowd. A giant smile spread across his face and he rushed to the end of the stage so he could grab his diploma, trying to speed up the proceedings.

            After the ceremony Jared bypassed the throwing of the caps in favor of running to his family. He threw himself into his father's arms and held him as tears came to both of their eyes.

            "I'm so glad to see you," he mumbled to his father.

            "You did good, Jared. I am so proud of you."

            Jared sobbed a little harder and cried into his father's shoulder. After a few minutes he removed himself from his father in favor of hugging his older brother and little sister.

            "You did all of this?" Jared asked him later.

            "I knew how much that it meant to you to have them here. I wanted to see you happy on this big day."

            "You are the greatest man in the world," he told him. "I love you so much."

            "You say that now but I've got to warn you of something."

            "What?"

            "They're all staying with us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally posting this to Expanding the Family. I guess that's what you get for writing/posting two stories at the same time.


	42. And so it goes

The house was in absolute disarray. Small children all under the age of seven were running around and screaming. Jared's family filled up the house so perfectly that he wished that they would never leave. If the smile on Jensen's face was anything to go on he felt the same way.

            "This is nice," Jared whispered into Jensen's ear as he settled beside him on the couch.

            "Jack seems to think so."

            The little boy was running around chasing Jeff's two boys. It had started in a game of hide and seek but when the three of them got bored of hiding and seeking they decided that a crude game of tag was a better idea.  Eben had been trying his best to keep up with the other boys but eventually gave up and decided that playing with his twin was a better idea.

            "When I was pregnant with him, before Josh and Danny decided to adopted him, I always wished he would go to a family with lots of kids. Not a foster home but a family like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt."

            "I think everyone wants that for the child they are having adopted."

            "This is better though. Being able to watch him grow. I like this alternative better."

            Jared kissed Jensen on the temple. "Where's Alex?"

            "Your sister has her. I think she is parading her around in front of Henry so that she can convince him to have children."

            Jared groaned. "Just what we need; our daughter being used as bribery."

            Jensen laughed and buried his head in Jared's neck. "I got a call yesterday."

            "Oh yeah? From who?"

            "Lydia."

            Jared sat up ram rod straight and looked over at Jensen. "And?"

            "She wants to meet with me."

            "When?"

            "Next Tuesday."

            "I've got to work next Tuesday."

            "I know. That's why I picked the day."

            Jared moved so that he could look Jensen in the eyes. "You picked the day that you knew I was working to meet with your ex wife?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Why?"

            "She said she wanted to apologize and I've decided to hear her out."

            "Jensen..."

            "Here," Megan said as she shoved a screaming Alex into Jared's arms. "She needs to be changed. She may be adorable but I am so not doing that."

            "Are you kidding me? I'm trying to have a fight with my husband here," Jared complained.

            "You're such an ass sometimes," Jensen growled as he took Alex from Jared. Without looking back he took their daughter and escaped to the quiet of her nursery to change her.

            Jensen settled himself down in the rocking chair by the window and held Alex close to his chest. She made small cooing noises as she looked up at him. After a little while her eyes fell shut and after squishing herself as close to Jensen as she could she fell asleep.

            A light knock on the door had Jensen looking up at the baby to see who was entering. Slowly the door was pushed open to reveal a very remorseful looking Jared.

            "Look..."

            "Let me talk first please?" Jensen said as the younger man shut the door behind him.

            "Okay."

            "She broke my heart; the same heart that you had to put back together. I want to see her because I want to know why she did what she did. I want to know why she has decided that she can just waltz right back into my life after everything."

            "And you can't do that with me there?"

            "No Jared I can't. This is something I need to do on my own."

            Jared sat crossed legged on the floor in front of Jensen. "I'm afraid she'll convince you to leave me," he whispered.

            "What?"          

            "You loved her first. You say you didn't but you were heartbroken when she left you so obviously you felt something for her when you were together. I'm afraid that you'll find that and leave me."

            "Leave you? As if I had that choice."

            "But you do! You do have that choice because we may be married but I can't force you to stay here and continue to be with me if you love someone else."

            "Love someone else? Jared that isn't even possible. The only other person I love more than you is our daughter."

            "Jensen..."

            Jensen stood and placed their sleeping daughter in her crib. He came back over so that he could kneel in front of Jared.

            "I love you and only you. No one is ever, ever going to be able to change that. No matter what she says to me I will always love you. You put me back together when I was broken. You gave me something to live for when I didn't see myself living past a year. Not to mention you gave me the cutest baby alive. You're stuck with me Jared, you might as well get used to it."

            Jared collapsed into Jensen and sobbed. The younger man held onto his shirt and soaked it through with his tears. When he was finally able to stop his crying he kept himself plastered to his husband.

            "She'll try to convince you to leave me again," he whispered into Jensen's shirt.

            "And I'll have Alexandra with me to show her that I have something ten times better at home."

            Jared laughed. "Our baby girl isn't going to like her."

            "She has her papa's judge of character."

            " _So I would chose to be with you as if the choice were mine to make,_ " Jensen whispered.

            Jared closed his eyes and kissed Jensen. " _But you can make decisions too and you can have this heart to break._ "

            "I'd never break your heart."

            "I know baby, I know."

            Jared stood and went to retrieve Alex from her crib. When Jensen was about to argue to leave her there because she was sleeping he was surprised to see their daughter awake.

            "We most have woke her," Jared said. He placed a kiss to Alex's hair and lowered himself down to the floor next to Jensen. "We should go back down stairs."

            "Not yet," Jensen whispered as he ran a hand down Alex's arm. "I want to spend some time with just my family."

            Jared nodded. "I know what you mean. It's hell down there."

            Jensen hit Jared in the shoulder lightly. "It's not hell. It's just..."

            "Loud, disorderly, a disaster area."

            "Family, Jared. Down stairs is what it means to be surrounded by family."

            "And I like that I do but..."

            "But sometimes it is nice to just be away from them."

            Jared nodded.

            "I understand what you mean. I got that way with Josh when he first moved in with me. But when I came home and all I had was Josh..."

            "Having him around became you security blanket."

            Jensen nodded. "He got me out of bed on days when I felt like I couldn't move. He reminded me of things when I forgot about them. He talked me down from panic attacks. He was my savior until you came along."

            "I owe a lot to your brother," Jared whispered. He moved Alex to rest against his shoulder and ran his hand up and down her back. "If it wasn't for him we wouldn't have her."

            A light knock on the door shattered the peaceful moment. After a soft "come in" called out by Jensen the door opened to reveal Josh.

            "You two okay? You've been up here for a long time."

            "We're good."

            "We were just taking a moment to ourselves. Was there something you needed?"

            Josh shook his head. "Just worried is all. I heard you guys were fighting."

            "We had a disagreement about something but we're good now," Jensen reassured his older brother. "It's really nothing to be worried about."

            "Okay."

            When Josh made a moved to leave the room Jensen jumped to his feet and pulled his older brother into a hug.

            "What's this all about?"

            "I...Thanks," Jensen whispered.

            "For what?"    

            "For everything."

            Josh nodded and extracted himself from Jensen. "No need to thank me," he said placing a hand on Jensen's shoulder. "It's just what big brothers do."

            "I know but still, thank you."

            "Well you're welcome." Josh stepped away and made his way back towards the door. "When you two are ready to come down stairs dinner is going to be on the table soon. So I'd suggested you came down before the little monsters ate it all."

            "We'll be right down," Jared called as he got up from the floor.

            "She asleep?"

            Jared peeled the baby away from his shoulder and nodded.

            "Put her back in her crib so she can sleep before she wants a bottle."

            "Good idea."

            After Alex was in her crib and the monitor was turned on Jared stepped away and into Jensen's arms.

            "I'm sorry about earlier," he whispered into Jensen's hair.

            "It's fine."

            "I just I love you so much and I..."

            "Jared, it's fine. Now can we go down stairs? I'm starving."

            Jared laughed. "Yeah baby, we can go down stairs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted by Jensen and Jared: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M30fHgeBPDE  
> This is one of my all time favorite songs sung by one of my favorite bands. Sometimes when I write this story I think of this song.


	43. Scars of our heart

The day of the meeting with Lydia Jared clung to Jensen. The younger man spooned behind him in bed and talked about how maybe he should just call out of work. Jensen hit him playfully and told him he needed to get to work and to stop worrying, to believe that their relationship was strong enough to handle the meeting. After making love to Jensen to solidify the older man's love for him he reluctantly got out of bed and went to work.

            Jensen arrived early to his meeting with Lydia on purpose. He wanted to get a table far enough away from where people could hear them but close enough that someone could come to Jensen's aid if need be. When he found the place to be mostly empty he sighed in relief and took a table that was big enough for six people so he could put some distance between himself and Lydia.   

            Alex was awake and demanding attention by the time Lydia showed up so Jensen had the baby resting against his shoulder. He could tell by the soft cooing noises that his daughter was making that she was surveying the area around her, taking interest in all the colors and sounds.

            "She beautiful," Lydia said as she dropped down into the seat across from Jensen. "What is her name?"

            Jensen jumped when he heard Lydia speak and took Alex down from his shoulder so he could secure her in his arms. The baby made a small sound of protest before nestling further into Jensen's arms and became content with staring at him and blowing spit bubbles. When his eyes met his ex wife's he wondered why he wanted to do this without Jared.

            "Alexandra," Jensen whispered. He cleared his throat and said a little louder, " Alexandra Elizabelle Padalecki."

            "You took his last name?"

            "Of course."

            "Professionally as well?"

            Jensen nodded.

            "Well it is a beautiful name for such a beautiful little girl," she said before taking a sip of coffee. She placed the cup back down. "I bet our children would have been just as beautiful."

            "Lydia..."

            "Let me speak for once," she snapped. Realizing how loud she was she looked around to see if anyone was looking. "Just let me explain myself."

            "Fine," Jensen huffed.

            "I know what I did to you was wrong. You were injured and I left you because I didn't want to deal with it and I realize now how bad that was. But Jensen you have to realize that I was just trying to save myself."

            "Save yourself from what?"

            "I know you were going to leave me the moment you got better. I overheard Josh talking to Danny about it and I knew they were right. You didn't love me, didn't really care about me."

            "I did love you Lydia. I did. I wouldn't have married you of I didn't."

            Lydia shook her head. "No you didn't and I am fine with that now. I've seen the way you look at Jared. That is what love looks like."

            "So you left me alone, injured and scared, because you were trying to save yourself from a divorce? A divorce that you filed even before I had awoken from a coma?"

            "I had actually filed it before then."

            "Are you serious? You were the one that wanted to get married. You were the one that insisted we made it official."

            "Because you loved me then. You looked at me the way you look at Jared."

            "Bullshit. You did it for my money and when you thought the money flow was going to end you left me so that you could ensure you got what you thought you deserved."

            Lydia slumped back in her chair with a shocked look on her face. "You think that is why I married you? For your money?"

            "Well it sure wasn't because you wanted to have my children and spend the rest of your life with me."

            "You really think I am that shallow?"

            "When we discussed children it was always me who was carrying them not you. You knew that I hated being pregnant so you kept suggesting I get pregnant because you knew I wouldn't want to. If I refused then you wouldn't have to worry about sharing the money when you left me."

            "I'm infertile," Lydia whispered.

            "What?"

            "That is why I always pushed for you to get pregnant. It wasn't because I didn't want children with you it's because I couldn't."

            "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

            Lydia shrugged and wiped the tears away. "Because I was afraid if you knew that you would just leave me."

            "I was your husband, I loved you, you could have said something. I had no intention of ever leaving you because I took my vows seriously. ' _Till death_ _do_ _us_ _part'_ _Remember?_ "

            "I..."

            "Vows are a serious thing to me. I wouldn't have taken them if I didn't love you. Just like I only took them because I love Jared."

            "If you loved me so much how come I could never please you in bed? How come I couldn't get you to even be half hard while we were having sex?"

            "Seriously Lydia? What does that have to do with..."

            Alex made a distressed noise which made Jensen look down at her. The babies face was pinched up and she looked extremely unhappy. Before she could start crying Jensen began to rock her gently.

            "She's a fussy baby isn't she?" Lydia asked as she watched Jensen.

            "She's usually not. This conversation must be upsetting her."

            Lydia snorted.

            "What?" Jensen asked looking up at her.

            "You're stalling. Obviously I must be right if you are avoiding my question."

            "You never did really have a maternal bone in your body did you?"

            "Just answer the damn question," she spat.

            "Just because I couldn't get hard during sex didn't mean I didn't love you," Jensen seethed.

            "Then what did it mean? That you weren't attracted to me? What kind of relationship is that?"

            "I was attracted to you. But I couldn't...I can't...I'm a bottom."

            "Oh," Lydia gasped. "We could have done something about that."

            "So we would have lived with me half enjoying sex until you were done so you could stimulate me with something else. What kind of relationship is that?"

            "Us getting a divorce was a smart idea."

            "No, no it wasn't."

            Lydia gaped at him. "What are you saying? That you want to get back together?"

            "Of course not. You broke my heart Lydia. You shattered it into tiny little pieces when you left me. If today is the last time I see you it wouldn't be a hard ship on me. What I am saying is you should have talked to me after you heard my brother and his husband talking. You should have been confident enough in our relationship to know that we would have been fine."

            "What if you met Jared while we were still together?"

            That question gave Jensen pause. For a moment he tried to think about his life if he had been with Lydia when he met Jared. He tried to think of what his reaction would have been, how he would have handled his attraction to Jared.

            "I would have cheated on you," he admitted after a few minutes of silence.

            Lydia nodded and looked away. "I know," she said. "You two were meant to be together and I would have just been the barrier that kept you apart."

            "Lydia..."

            "It's fine," she whispered wiping fresh tears away.

            "No, it's not."

            "Yes, it is. This is better. Us sitting her and speculating whether or not you would have cheated on me with Jared is better then you actually doing it."

            "I really did love you."

            Lydia looked back at him. "Did you really?"

            "Jared said to me last week that if I didn't really love you then I wouldn't have been so heartbroken when you left me. So yes I really did."

            "And now?" Lydia asked, her voice showing how hopeful she was for his answer to be that he still did.

            "And now I love Jared. I have a family with him that I wouldn't trade for anything."

            "He's lucky to have you."

            "No, I'm lucky to have him. He saved me."

            "I could have saved you," she argued.

            "Yeah well I guess we will never know if you could have or not. Just remember that you are the one to blame for that."

            Lydia nodded and stood up. "I should go," she whispered. "I hope you and Jared have a great life together."

            "Take care, okay?"

            She nodded. "You too."

            Jensen watched her go before looking down at Alex. The little girl was now smiling around her fist, kicking her legs around. She looked happy.

            "Your baby was right," Jensen cooed to his daughter. "You really do have a good judge of character."

            Jensen bundled Alex back up and started on their short walk home. The moment he was in the door he was being pushed against it as Jared kissed him.

            "You're supposed to be at work," Jensen gasped.

            "Too many people were scheduled today so I got sent home," Jared said into his neck. "How'd it go?"

            "Surprising well. No one got slapped this time."

            "Good to hear."

            "What are you trying to accomplish right now?"

            Jared stopped trying to suck on Jensen's neck and looked up at his husband. "I just love you so much."

            "And I love you too."

            "Yeah?"

            Jensen brought Jared's face up and kissed him. "Yeah," he whispered. "I totally would have cheated on my wife with you."

            Jared made a face before he smiled. "Well good." He kissed Jensen before drawing back. "Wait, what?"

            "Lydia asked me if I was still with her if I wouldn't have cheated on her with you when I met you. I told her I would have."

            Jared nodded. "So basically in your head we ended up together with Alex anyways?"

            "In my head I always end up with you and Alex."

            "Me too." Jared drew back and took Alex out of her stroller. "I mean who wouldn't want to end up with such a cute baby?"

            "I've got a cute baby and a sexy husband. Why wouldn't I always want that in my life?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kind of sucks because there was so much I wanted to put into it and it kind of got all weird and jumbled. Sorry about that. Hope its still a good read though.


	44. Jumpy

Jared doesn't like to keep things from Jensen. It makes him feel like he is lying to his husband. So when he decided that he wanted to meet Lydia in person for the first time without telling Jensen he felt nervous. Every time Jensen looked at him for too long he was convinced his husband knew what he was thinking.

            "Why are you so damn jumpy?" Jensen asked him one morning. They're in bed with their daughter laying in between them and Jared hasn't been able to look up at Jensen since they brought her into the room.

            "What are you talking about?"

            Jensen placed his hand under Jared's chin and made him look up. "What's wrong?"

            "Nothing," he mumbled. "Everything is okay."         

            "I hate when you lie to me."

            Jared looked away from Jensen. "Seriously, everything is okay. I've just had some stuff on my mind."

            "Is this about Lydia? Are you still feeling insecure about my past relationship with her?"

            "No, no nothing like that. It's just..."

            Alex made a distressed noise making her father's look down at her. When she saw that they were looking at her she cooed and kicked her legs around happily.

            "What a little attention seeker," Jensen cooed.

            With Jensen's attention fully on Alex Jared slipped out of bed and went into the en suite. He got ready quickly then walked back out to the bedroom to see Jensen sitting up against the headboard with Alex. His husband was still cooing softly to their daughter and it gave Jared pause. It also made him feel even worse about not telling Jensen about where he was going.

            "I'm going out for a bit," Jared finally informed Jensen.

            Jensen looked up from Alex and frowned. "Where are you going?"

            "I'm meeting someone for coffee."

            "Who?"

            Jared shrugged into his coat and turned away from Jensen. "An old friend."

            "Jared?" Jensen called after him.       

            Taking a deep breath Jared made himself keep walking or he would lose his nerve. Instead of driving he decided to walk to the coffee shop that he was meeting Lydia at so that he could clear his head of all his guilt.

            Lydia was already there by the time Jared showed up. Having only seen the woman in pictures and in an overly drunken state Jared felt like he misjudge the woman. She was gorgeous. If Jared wasn't gay and whole heartily in love with his husband he thinks he would have chased after her. He can clearly see why Jensen had fallen in love with and married her.

            "You must be Jared," she said standing from her chair. "I'm Lydia."

            "It's nice to meet you," Jared said as he shook the smaller woman's hand.   

            "You are a very large man," Lydia commented as she took her seat. "How tall are you?"

            "Six four." Jared took the seat opposite Lydia and stared at her some more.

            Lydia looked Jared up and down and nodded. "I see why Jensen picked you. You are very attractive."

            "I'd like to think that my husband loves more than just my looks."

            "And you would be correct. Jensen adores you."

            "I'm aware."

            A waitress comes over and takes a drink order from Jared leaving a awkward silence around them when she leaves. The two people at the table stare each other down for a few long moments before Lydia clears he throat.

            "I suppose you are here to tell me to stay away from your husband."

            "If Jensen wants to be friends with you then I am not going to stop him."

            "Then why did you call me?"

            Jared sighed and slumped forward a bit. "What was he like before the accident?"

            Lydia sat up straighter in her chair. "Excuse me?"

            "I don't know what he was like before he got injured."

            "So you want me to tell you about your husband?"

            Jared nodded.

            Lydia went silent for a few minutes before she nodded. "Okay. You know how he is around Alex?"

            Jared nodded again.

            "That was typical, everyday Jensen. He was a kind hearted man who always had a nice thing to say about people. He had this almost dry humor that made just about everyone laugh. But the version of Jensen you have? I'd love to have had part of that in my life."

            "Why?"

            "Jensen wasn't as cautious about everything he did. When things weren't going right Jensen would get drunk instead of dealing with his problems."

            "Jensen was a drunk?"

            "No. He didn't drink enough to be a drunk."

            Jared sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. "Anything else?"

            Lydia shook her head. "I don't know what you want me to say."

            "Would I have loved him?"

            "Is that what this is all about? You're afraid that you won't like all parts of Jensen if he ever goes back to how he was before the accident?"

            Jared snorted. "I doubt that."

            "Are you sure?"

            Jared leaned forward and leveled Lydia with a look that he knew was the reason behind her shiver. "There is nothing that would make me love my husband any less."

            Lydia nodded. "I believe you. Is there anything else you would like to know?"

            "Why do you want him back so much now?"

            Lydia leaned forward and placed her elbows on the table. She cupped her head in her hands and tilted her head. "Why are you so worried?"

            "I'm not. I just want to know what changed."

            "I realized that I don't know what it's like to be alone. Even when Jensen was away I still had Danny and Josh around but now I am alone. I wanted someone to be with."

            "So it has nothing to do with Jensen but everything to do with you being lonely?"

            Lydia sat up and shrugged. "Basically."

            "Then leave him alone. Find someone else to be with and leave my husband alone."

            "I thought you said you wouldn't ban him from seeing me?"

            "I won't but that doesn't mean I want you to harass him. Got it?"

            Lydia nodded and stood up. "I've got it. It was good to meet you Jared.

            Jared watched Lydia leave the restaurant then slumped further down in his chair. After paying for his and Lydia's food he left and started his walk home.

            "Jared? Is that you?" Jensen yelled when Jared walked into the house.

            Jared walked into the living room and found Jensen sprawled out on the couch with Alex on his chest. "Is she being fussy?"

            Jensen nodded. "She won't let me put her down."

            "Has she been crying a lot? Do you think it is colic?" Jared asked as he rushed over to Jensen's side.

            "No I think she's just being clingy. So, where were you?"

            "Went to meet with Lydia."

            "What?"

            Jared sat down in the chair furthest away from Jensen just in case his husband got angry at him. "I wanted to talk to her about some things."

            "Like what?" Jensen asked as he sat up carefully so as to not wake up Alex.

            "I just wanted to know some things about you. Like what you were like before the accident."

            "You could have asked me."

            Jared shook his head. "I didn't want to put you in an awkward spot."

            "Did she tell you about the drinking?"

            "She did."

            "Did she tell you I was an alcoholic?"

            "Nope."

            Jensen nodded. "I never knew how to handle things. I didn't like to fight so I just drank in order to stop everything around me."

            "And now?"

            "I've had enough therapy to know how to deal with it," Jensen said with a self defeating laugh.

            "She asked me if I thought I wouldn't love you if you went back to how you were before the accident."

            "And what did you say?" Jensen asked not looking at Jared.

            Jared got up from his chair and went to kneel beside Jensen. When Jensen continued to just play with the fringe on Alex's little dress Jared cupped his chin and drew his face up.

            "I could never stop loving you," he told the older man.

            "Even if I became emotionally stinted again?"

            "I'll stay with you no matter what."

            "Have I told you how much I love and cherish you?"

            "You have. And I love and cherish you too."

            Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared. "No more talking to my ex wife, okay?"

            "Yeah okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might take some time away from this just because I want to focus on my other story. That doesn't mean I won't come back to it though. So just keep an eye out, okay? =)


	45. Residency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey look I wrote a new chapter.

Residency was putting its toll on Jared. Working over seventy hours a week and trying to help take care of a three month old baby was leaving him completely drained. The problem was it was also leaving Jensen drained too. The moment Jared got home Jensen would tell him to go to bed leaving Jensen to take of Alex completely alone.

            "Are you okay?" Jared asked Jensen one night as he climbed into bed. His husband had large dark circles under his eyes and a pale complexion. "You look awful."

            Jensen waved a dismissive hand. "I'm fine," he slurred.

            "Jensen..." Jared trailed off when he realized his husband was asleep.

            Jared watched Jensen as he slept. His face was pinched up in an uncomfortable grimace even in his sleep, his body rigid and tight. Even as he slept he looked exhausted. That when Jared realized he really seen his daughter in a few days. Sure he has seen her when she first came home, kissing her on the head and telling her he loved her before crashing.

            Instantly Jared felt extremely bad. He'd been leaving Jensen to take care of Alex all by himself. His husband was running himself into the ground trying to make sure that Jared got the rest that he needed, leaving himself to exhausted.

            Alex crying floated through the baby monitor and Jensen bolted upright in bed.

            "I've got it," he muttered.

            Jared lightly pushed Jensen back down. "I've got it," Jared told him as he climbed out of bed.

            "No," Jensen weakly protested. "You need your rest."

            "Not as much as you need yours. Go back to sleep."

            Moving quickly through the hallway so that Alex's cries wouldn't wake anyone else Jared entered the nursery. When Jared pushed open the door Alex's cries quieted down to that of small whimpers.

            "Hey there baby girl," Jared whispered to Alex. He picked her up and pulled her close to him. "What's wrong?" While patting her butt to try quieting her Jared found that she was wet. "Someone needs a diaper change."

            Alex whimpered softly against Jared's shoulder as he moved towards the changing table. Placing her down on the table he worked quickly at getting her onesie off. The baby wiggled and kicked her legs making it a little difficult for Jared to change he diaper. He sighed deeply and tried to push back the tears that were threatening to fall. He shouldn't be this rusty at changing a diaper. It should have come as second nature to him.

            Once she had a clean diaper on Jared changed her into a clean onsie. Picking her up he moved over to the rocking chair. Placing her on his shoulder he started to slowly rock back and forth.

            "I'm sorry," he whispered to her.

            His breath hitched as he kept up a slow rhythm of rocking. Alex cooed softly too him, reaching up one of her chubby hands and grabbing onto his hair. She tug softly, smiling when he hissed.

            "Ouch," he muttered, untangling her fingers from his hair.

            Alex made an unhappy noise and settled her eyes on him. Suddenly a bright smile lit up her face and she waved her hands around. Jared sighed realizing that it was the first time that he had actually seen her smile.

            "God you're so adorable," Jared whispered into her hair, kissing her gently. "And I am a terrible father."

            Jared sat with Alex until she fell asleep on his shoulder. Getting up as gently as possible he kissed her head and placed her back into the crib. After one last look down at her peaceful face he padded out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.

            Jensen was wake when he entered their bedroom. He had the baby monitor in his hand and tears streaking down his face. His breath hitched softly when he saw Jared and began crying harder.

            "Hey," Jared whispered moving over to kneel down next to the bed. "What's wrong?"

            "You're not a terrible father," Jensen told him.

            "You heard me?"

            Jensen nodded. "You're so tired that when you come home at night that I just wanted to make everything easier on you."

            Jared cupped Jensen's face. "I know baby," he whispered. "And I really appreciate it. But I should have been making more of an effort. I mean look how tired you look. It cannot be easy to always be taking care of her alone."

            "Danny helps sometimes."

            "When was the last time you slept all through the night?"

            Jensen shrugged.

            Jared leaned forward and placed his forehead against Jensen's. "Go to sleep. I'll get up with her when she cries."

            "But you have to be up early tomorrow," Jensen protested.

            "I'll be fine. Now go back to sleep."

            Jared takes the baby monitor from Jensen's hand. Moving to the other side of the bed he turned down the volume and placed it next to his pillow when he laid down. The next time Alex cried only Jared would hear it and Jensen wouldn't have to get up.

            Alex woke up only one other time that night. Too bad she woke up two hours before Jared had to get up for work. He grumbled through her bottle and diaper change but still did it just like he promised he would. By the time he had her back to sleep it was a waste of time for him to go back to bed so instead he went to take a shower and get ready for work.

______________________________________________________________________________

            "You look like hell," one of the other residence, Maggie, said to him. "Did you go out and party last night?"

            Jared laughed over his third cup of coffee in the last hour. "I stayed up with my three month old all night."

            Maggie frowned. "You have a kid?"

            "Yeah," Jared mumbled, feeling miserable again. The fact that no one knew he was a father made him feel awful. He should have been shouting it from the rooftops like other fathers did. "A little girl named Alex."

            Maggie's eyes were drawn down to Jared's hand. "You're married?"

            Jared nodded. "Six months. His names Jensen."

            "Why didn't he take care of her?"

            "Because he was exhausted. All he does is take care of her all day and night."

            "So? That's the role of a stay at home parent."

            Jared bristled. "He's not a stay at home parent," he gritted out. "He's an author. Trying to take care of a three month old and finish the draft of his second book while an agent is breathing down your neck isn't exactly easy."

            "You're husband is a author? Anything I might of heard of?"          

            "Probably," Jared mumbled pushing to his feet. "I need to go check on my patient."

            Jared was about to walk out of the room when his phone went off. Looking down he saw Jensen's name flash across the screen.

            "Is everything alright?" Jared rushed into the phone.

            "Hey," Jensen whispered. "You busy?"

            "I've got a minute. Are you and Alex okay?"

            "We're perfect," he reassured him.

            Jared sat down in the closest chair. "Just calling to say 'hi'?"

            "I'm calling to thank you," Jensen told him. "For last night."

            "Why are you thanking me? She's my baby too I should be responsible for some of her care."

            "I know," he sighed. "And I should let you help. I just...Ifeellikeweareaburden."

            "What was that?"

            "I feel like we're a burden," Jensen said a little clearer.

            "A...burden? You feel like a burden?"

            "You're so busy and tired and stressed out and I feel like Alex and I are just in your way. I know you don't feel that way but..."

            "I'm coming home," Jared said getting to his feet.

            "What? No, you can't. You have work to do."

            "Screw work," Jared hissed. "I need to be with you and Alex."

            "Jared..."

            "No! You are not a burden on me. You hear me Jen? You and our daughter are not a burden on me. If anything I am the burden. I'm dead weight. All I do when I am home is sleep when I should be helping you with Alex."

            "You're tired..."

            "So are you. You stay up all night making sure that Alex doesn't wake me. Then you stay with her all day while also trying to finish your book."

            Jensen sighed. "We'll figure this out eventually."      

            "I know. Hey look, I've got to go."

            "Okay. See you when you get home."

            "Jensen?"

            "Yeah?"

            "I love you so damn much. You know that right?"

            "Yeah, I do. I love you too."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Alex is screaming when Jared gets home. Throwing his stuff down he races through the house trying to find out where it is coming from. He finds Jensen and Alex in the office; Jensen pacing back and forth, shushing the baby.

            "She won't stop," Jensen sobbed. "I don't know what is wrong with her."

            Jared rushed forward and took the baby from Jensen. "Sit down," he instructed to his distraught husband.

            "I don't know what's wrong," Jensen told him again. "One second she was fine and now..."

            Jared looked down at his red face baby. For one second he panicked. What if she was sick? Or seriously hurt? But as Alex looked up at him her crying stopped. She looked up at Jared with big cloudy eyes and cooed.

            Jensen laughed. "She just wanted her daddy," he said.

            "Jesus," Jared whispered. "I thought there was something seriously wrong."

            "I did too." Jensen stood and moved closer to Jared. "Being a parent is confusing."

            Jared laughed. "I feel so bad. She was literally crying for me."

            "Screaming, actually."

            "I think I'll quit."

            Jensen looked up at Jared. "Don't you dare. You've worked too hard for it."

            "But my family life is suffering so much."

            "It'll get easier."

            "When? I don't want her to be six and barely know who I am. I want to be a big figure in her life."

            "And you will be," Jensen whispered. "You'll finish residency and then you can do whatever you want. Just get through this."

            Jared looked down at Alex and ran a hand down her head. "Okay. But I am taking care of her at night."

            "Jared..."

            "No. When I get home I will take care of her. She's my child too and I need to help out more."

            Jensen sighed deeply. "Fine. But anything past three and she is all mine."

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen. "Deal."

______________________________________________________________________________

            "My turn," Jensen whispered as Jared was getting up.

            "It's only two," Jared argued.

            "Too bad. Go back to sleep."

            Jared watched Jensen's retreating back and smiled. Rolling over he grabbed the baby monitor and turned up the volume. With a smile on his face he listened to Jensen speak softly to Alex. Once he had her diaper changed Jared heard him move to the rocking chair and start to sing.

            And he sang their song.

            "What?" Jensen whispered when he came back into the room.

            "You sang her our song," Jared said with a big smile on his face.

            Jensen climbed into bed. "Oh shut up."

            Jared pulled Jensen against him. "You have a beautiful singing voice."

            "Whatever," Jensen scoffed.

            "No really," Jared insisted. "It's beautiful."

            "Just go to sleep."

            Jared kissed Jensen on the back of the neck. "I love you."

            "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying guys. For some reason instead of writing for this story I have been writing new ones. Don't worry this one hasn't been abandoned and I will update it every now and then until I think I have a good ending.


	46. Sleeping

Alex's eyes stay blue for the longest time. They're dark, the color of the deepest part of the ocean, and Jensen finds himself getting lost in them. Jared and Jensen resign themselves to having a blue eyed, blonde hair baby girl until one morning she blinks them open to reveal their true color.

            "They're green," Jensen whispered.

            Jared rolled over in bed to look at Jensen. "Huh?"

            "Her eyes, they're green," he repeated.

            Jared frowned and made grabby hands at Alex. "Let me see."

            Jensen walked closer to the bed and placed Alex in Jared's arms. After blinking sleep out of his eyes for a few short seconds Jared looked down at the baby in his arms.

            "Wow," he whispered. "They're green."

            "That's what I said," Jensen joked.

            Jared looked up at Jensen. "When did they turn green?"

            Jensen shrugged.

            "They're absolutely beautiful."

            "Now she looks exactly like me."

            "Hey now," the younger man said transferring Alex down to lay on her stomach on the bed. "She's got MY nose."

            Jensen laughed softly and moved to lay next to Alex on the bed. "How could I forget?"

            "I've got no clue."

            "I wish you didn't have to work tonight," Jensen whispered.

            Jared ran his index finger and middle finger up and down Alex's back. "Me too," he whispered.

            Ever since Jared was moved to night shifts at the hospital Jensen had been having trouble falling asleep. He used to get a solid five hours but now he was getting three if he was lucky. Alex slept more through the night which should have meant so was Jensen but he just couldn't sleep without his husband sleeping next to him.

            "You still having trouble sleeping?" Jared asked him.

            Jensen nodded.

            "You could always go back to taking a form of sleeping medication. Maybe Melatonin?"

            "I don't want to run the risk of not being able to wake up if Alex cries."

            Jared nodded. "I could always ask to be switched back. I don't think it would be that big of a problem."

            "It'll be fine."

            Jared scooped Alex up off the bed and placed her on his chest so that he could scoot closer to Jensen. "I am going to switch," he told him. "I miss being with you at night. I would prefer working days anyways."

            "Are you sure?"

            "I'm positive."

_____________________________________________________________________________

            "There is something different about this baby," Josh said, walking into the kitchen holding Alex.

            "I'll give you three guesses," Jensen told him.

            "I want in on this," Danny said, moving to stand next to Josh.

            "What do we get if we get it right?"

            "I'll babysit your troop while you two go out on a date night."

            "Deal."

            Danny and Josh stare at Alex for so long that the little girl started to squirm. When the cries started they handed her over to Jensen and took the seats across the table from him.

            "Now do we each get three guesses or is it three guesses between the two of us?" Josh asked.

            "Three between the two of you."

            The two older men turned to each other and started talking in hushed tones. Rolling his eyes Jensen turned his attention to Alex. The little six month old had her hand in her mouth, drool running down her chin. When she sees Jensen looking at her she removed her fist and gave him a big gummy grin. With a smile of his own, Jensen leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.

            "It's her eyes!" Josh said suddenly, shocking both Jensen and Alex. "She's got your eyes."

            "And you got it on the first try," Jensen said.

            "Got what on the first try?" Jensen asked, walking into the kitchen. He's wearing dark blue scrubs, his long hair tied back out of his face.

            "Josh and Danny were trying to guess what was different with Alex," Jensen told him, tilting his face up for a kiss.

            Jared walked over and kissed Jensen on the lips then ducked down and kissed Alex on the head. "What did they win for guessing it right?" He asked straightening up.

            "I've got to baby sit the kids for a night so they can go out."

            Jared frowned. "You're going to be home alone with four kids?"

            "Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?"

            "I, uh, no, no."

            "Jared..."

            "Can you guys wait to cash in on your prize until after I am moved back to the day shift?"

            "You don't think I can take care of the kids by myself?"

            "I...Jesus, I've just stuck my foot directly in my mouth. It's not that I don't think you can't take care of them on your own. It's just I'd feel more comfortable being home. In case something happened."

            Jensen stood up from the table, Alex held close to his chest. "So you don't feel comfortable leaving me alone? You don't think I could handle being on my own?"

            "I want to be with you because I like spending time with you alone," Jared said, moving closer to Jensen. "This isn't about me not trusting you or feeling uncomfortable with you being alone with them. It's purely my desire to be home alone with you when there's a possibility that once the kids are asleep that we could..."

            "And we're going to be late," Josh said, standing up from the table. Leaning down he gave Danny a kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

            "Love you," Danny whispered against Josh's lips.

            "I love you too."

            Jared walked closer to Jensen, pulling the older man close to him. "I'm sorry for putting my foot in my mouth," he whispered against Jensen's temple. "I love you and I trust you."

            "I love you too," Jensen whispered.

            "I'll see you tomorrow morning," Jared told him, kissing him firmly on the lips.

            "Have a good night at work."

            Jared gave Jensen another quick kiss on the lips before stepping back. "Goodbye my beautiful baby girl," he said to Alex. "Be good to your papa tonight."

            "When isn't she good?"

            "You're right." Jared kissed Alex on the head before turning to leave.

            "I hate night shifts," Jensen mumbled, sitting down on a chair.

            "I used to hate them too," Danny told him.

            "You like them now?"

            Danny shook his head. "God no," he said with a laugh. "But I've gotten so used to them that they barely faze me. I prefer when he's home at night, safely tucked into bed next to me, but I know that he's at the hospital and that he's safe. Which, I think, is just as great as being here with me."

            Jensen nodded and cuddled Alex close to his chest. The little girl turned slightly in his arms and placed her slobbery hands on his face. She smacked her hands against his cheeks softly, making little cooing noises as she did so.

            "You're right," Jensen said when Alex stopped hitting his face. "I just miss him so damn much during the night."

            "You ever try sleeping in one of his shirts?"

            Jensen shook his head.

            "Try it tonight. Find something that smells like him. Hell sleep with his pillow. Just sleep with as much of his stuff as you can. That's what helps me when Josh works the night shift."

            "I'll try it."

______________________________________________________________________________

            Jared smells really bad. No matter how many times he showered at the hospital he's pretty sure he still smells. Last night's shift was the shift from hell. He was peed on, puked on, verbally harassed, sexually harassed by a handsy drunk man (who was visiting his wife in the hospital), and puke on again. He was on his fourth pair of scrubs by the time that his night was over and those two ended up in the trash.

            His skin is still stinging slightly when he climbs out of Josh's car. The older man is in a better mood then Jared, whistling softly to himself as he twirled his keys on his fingers. Jared wanted to snap at his brother in law and tell him to stop being so cheerful but he didn't want to ruin the man's mood so he left it be.

            The house is still when they walk in. It's only a little past seven so Jared knew he could climb into bed with Jensen and cuddle with him for a bit. Climbing the stairs slowly he made his way to his room. What he was greeted with made him pause.

            Jensen was laying on the far left side of the bed. He was wearing one of Jared's shirts and a pair of boxers with Jared's pillows tucked underneath his head. Jensen's pillows were being under as stoppers for Alex who was laying next to Jensen on the bed, her bright green eyes open and staring at the ceiling.

            Moving as quiet as possible Jared got himself ready for bed. He moved the pillows out of the way and instead used his own body to keep Alex on. The little girl startled slightly but then smiled when she saw Jared.

            "Hey my sweet," Jared whispered to her, moving her closer to him. "You sleep well?"

            The little girl smiled brightly at Jared and cooed.

            "I'll take that as a 'yes'."

            "You smell like peaches," Jensen whispered, opening his eyes. "Why do you smell like peaches?"

            "One of the nurses let me borrow her body wash," Jared told him.

            "Why did you need body wash?"

            "I had a really crappy night last night."

            "You wanna talk about it?"

            Jared shook his head and moved closer to Jensen. "Nah," he whispered. "But I'd like to discuss why you are wearing my clothes and stealing my pillows."

            "I couldn't sleep last night so I took Danny's advice and surrounded myself with your scent."

            "Did it work?"

            Jensen nodded and burrowed further into the bed. "Mhm."

            "I'm glad."

            "Me too," Jensen mumbled.

            "You going back to sleep?"

            Jensen snored softly.

            Jared chuckled and got himself comfortable in bed before he too fell asleep.


	47. Let's add another little one

Jensen had a panic attack when he saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test. Alex was sitting on the bedroom floor next to him, her little foot shoved into her mouth, completely unaware of her papa's distress.

            "What am I going to do?" Jensen whispered.

            Alex turned to Jensen and smiled a big toothy smile. She gargled a bit and crawled closer to Jensen so that she could climb up into his lap.

            Jensen soothed a hand down her tangled curls and kissed the top of her head. "You're daddy is going to be so pissed," he whispered into her hair.

            Alex turned around in Jensen's hold and placed her hands on his face. She talked gibberish to him for a few seconds before slapping her tiny hands against him.

            "You trying to tell papa he's being silly?"      

            The little girl snuggled into Jensen's chest. A few minutes later she fell asleep.

            "Jensen, are you okay in here?" Danny asked, popping his head into the bedroom.

            "No," Jensen whispered, holding the pregnancy test up to him.

            Danny took the test in his hand and gasped. "Jensen this is a positive pregnancy test."

            "I am aware."

            "But...were you two trying?"

            Jensen shook his head. "Alex is still so young and Jared is working so much...this can't be happening. Jared is going to be so upset. What am I supposed to do?"

            "Why would Jared be upset?"

            "We talked extensively about waiting. This wasn't supposed to happen for another two to three years; if it ever happened again at all."

            Danny bent down and cupped Jensen's face. "Jared is not going to be upset," he whispered. "He's going to be shocked and then he is going to be extremely excited. Yes it is a little bit ahead of schedule but Jensen...you're going to have another baby."

            Jensen looked down at where Alex was nestled against him and thought about being pregnant. About how his stomach would slowly start to curve out to the point that Alex could no longer use him as a bed. He thought about the little kicks that the baby would give him every now and then, reminding him that they are safe and happy nestled inside of him.

            "I'm having another baby," he whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek. "I'm having another baby with Jared."

            "Yes, yes you are," Danny said. "You're going to bring another precious, gorgeous little being into the world. How could that not be exciting?"

            "I need to see a doctor," Jensen said suddenly. "I need to make sure it's okay; that it's in the right place. I can't lose another baby."

            "I'll make an appointment and go with you, okay?"

            "What about Jared? Shouldn't he be there?"

            "If you'd prefer Jared going then that's good too."

            Jensen thought it over. "No, no I want to make sure I'm not making a big deal about nothing. I'll tell him after I find out the it's all right."

            Danny straightened up. "Okay. I'll make the appointment then."

            "Thank you," Jensen whispered, cuddling Alex closer to his chest.

            "No need to thank me. I'm already in your servitude for life."

            "And I yours."

            The brothers in law shared a small smile before Danny turned to leave the room.

            Jensen cuddled Alex closer to him. As scary as being pregnant again so soon after Alex was, the idea of having another baby almost outweighed it. He knew that in the long run that having this baby would be great. Or at least he really, really hoped it would be.

______________________________________________________________________________

            The doctor regarded Jensen with a wide smile. She moved the wand around a bit more, showing another angle of the little being that was currently residing in Jensen's womb.

            "You are about six weeks," she said, pressing some buttons on the machine. "Your little peanut looks healthy and is in the right position."

            "So everything is okay?" Jensen asked, biting his bottom lip.

            "Everything looks perfect. Your baby is perfect."

            Jensen let out a breath that he wasn't aware he was holding. He moved his hand down, touching the skin right above where the gel was smeared. His baby, THEIR baby, was okay. Was perfect in fact. He could confidently go home to Jared and tell him that they were expecting another baby.

            "You have to remember though that you are still in the first trimester and that something could still happen," the doctor said breaking him out of his thoughts. "But with the way that the baby looks right now I am confident that you will be just fine."

            "I've had a miscarriage before," he informed her.

            The nurse nodded and rolled towards his medical file. She flipped it open and read it for a few seconds before looking back up at him. "It says here that the baby was in the wrong position and that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. You aren't in any danger with this one as long as you stay healthy."

            "I just wanted to make sure," Jensen whispered, looking away.

            "I get that," the doctor said softly, passing Jensen some paper towels so he could clean up. "You have had two healthy pregnancies and I strongly believe that this one will be as well. No more stressing, okay? It's bad for the baby."

            "I'll...I'll try," Jensen said, sitting up.

            "You'll do better than try. You're going to take it easy and make sure that little peanut comes out as healthy as Alex did." She turned away from Jensen, pressed a few buttons on the ultra sound machine, then turned back. "He is a copy of your ultra sound for you to give to your husband. Don't forget to schedule another appointment with the receptionist on your way out."

            Jensen took the print out and placed it in his pocket. "Thank you," he said softly before getting off of the exam table and walking out into the hallway.

                Danny was sitting in the waiting room, Alex bouncing on his lap. The little girl was laughing, kicking her legs around in her glee. When Danny scooped her up and turned her to see Jensen the little girl stopped laughing, a giant, dimpled smile splitting her face. Jensen's heart squeezed at the sight of his little girl.           

"Was she good for you?" Jensen asked, taking his daughter from his brother in law.

  
            "She started to get a bit upset but the moment I picked her up everything changed,"        

  Danny informed him, getting up from the chair. "So..."

  
            "Seven weeks," Jensen told him. "She said that everything looked really good."

  
            Danny rushed forward and pulled Jensen and Alex into a hug. "I'm so happy for you," he shrieked. "How are you going to tell Jared?"

  
            Jensen struggled out of Danny's hold and readjusted Alex. "I was thinking of putting 'congratulations' on a cake."

  
            "That is a great idea. Maybe little bottles or something to drop hints?"

  
            "That sounds good," Jensen said making his way over to the reception desk to set up his next appointment. The nurse cooed over Alex, telling Jensen just how adorable she thought Alex was. Jensen thanked her and finished setting up his appointment.

  
            "Here," Danny said, passing Jensen Alex's car seat.

  
            Jensen bent down and strapped Alex into the car seat. "I'm still afraid to tell Jared," Jensen whispered as they made their way out of the office.

  
            "Why?"

  
            "What if he doesn't want if?"

  
            Danny placed his hand on Jensen's shoulder and turned him to look at him. "He'll want it. Jared loves you and Alex and any other offspring you two ever have."

  
            "You think?"

  
            "I know."

  
            Jensen looked down at Alex then looked back up at Danny. "Do you want to see?"

  
            Danny nodded his head frantically. "Let me see!"

  
            Jensen snorted a laugh and pulled the ultrasound picture out of his pocket.

  
            "Look at the little peanut," Danny cooed.

  
            Grabbing Danny's hand, Jensen dragged his brother in law through the parking lot as he continued to coo over his new niece or nephew.

  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
            Danny and Josh took all four kids out to dinner that night so that Jensen and Jared could have some time for themselves. They spent the first few hours after Jared got home in their room having slow, passionate sex. Afterward Jensen wormed his way out of the bed so that he could start making dinner.

  
            "Come back to bed," Jared murmured, arms wrapped around Jensen's waist as he stood at the stove.

  
            "We've got to eat," Jensen said as he stirred the soup. "Besides I'm just making soup and sandwiches."

  
            Jared hummed. "You want a beer?" He asked, backing away from Jensen.

  
            "I'm okay," Jensen mumbled.

  
            Jensen heard the fridge open. "Why is there a cake in the fridge? Shit, did I forget someone's birthday?"

  
            "No you didn't forget anyone's birthday."

  
            Jared moved back over to Jensen and slung his arm around his shoulder. "What's the cake for Jen?"

  
            "I...um..."

  
            "Jen?"

  
            Jensen turned off the stove and turned to Jared. "Open the box."

  
            "What about dinner?"

  
            "It's fine. Just take a peak while I dish out the soup."

  
            "Okay..."

  
            Jensen turned around quickly to grab some bowls so that he didn't have to see Jared's expression. He kept his head down as he ladled the soup into the bowls. He can hear Jared taking the box out and placing it on the counter. The lid scrapped against the side of the box as he opened it.

  
            "Seriously?" Jared asked.

  
            "Hmmm?"

  
            "You're...we're...baby?" Jared stammered.

  
            "Um..."

  
            Jared rushed forward and pulled Jensen into his arms. "How far along are you? How long have you known? Have you seen a doctor?"

  
            Jensen laughed. "Seven weeks, about two days, and yes I went earlier."

  
            "And everything is good?"

  
            "The doctor told me that everything is perfect."

  
            Jared stepped back and placed his hands on Jensen's stomach. "Baby number two," he whispered, rubbing his belly soothingly.

  
            "You're happy?"

  
            "Of course. Why did you not think I would be?"

  
            "I just...we didn't plan for this to happen for another two or three years and..."

  
            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen into silence. "When have we done anything that we planned? Alex wasn't supposed to come along as early as she did but everything turned out perfect."

            "Yeah?"

            "Yeah." Jared stepped back from Jensen and grabbed their bowls of soup. "You should probably eat something with this. Now that you are eating for two you've got to make you're getting enough to eat."

            "Of course Doctor Padalecki," Jensen joked.

            Jared placed the bowls down on the table then turned to rush back over to Jensen and pull him into his arms. "I can't believe we're having another baby," he said, lifting Jensen and spinning him around. "This is so exciting."

            "You're such a child," Jensen huffed as he tried to cover up his laughing.

            "But you love me."

            "You bet your ass I do."

            Jared placed Jensen back down again and gave him another kiss. "Come on, let's feed you and our newest addition."

______________________________________________________________________________

            The cake was eaten in their bed, Jared wrapped around Jensen as he spoon fed him piece of it. As Jensen chewed Jared kissed the body parts that he could reach and whispered loving praises to Jensen. The older man will never doubt his loving husband ever again.


	48. Lord only know why I do

              The bump formed quickly, protruding out from his middle when he was just ten weeks along. It frightened Jensen at first, making him think that there was more than one baby inside him, but his doctor reassured him that it was, in fact, just one. Jared couldn’t keep his hands off of it. Every second they were together Jared had his large hands on the bump. The younger man loved to talk to it at night. Their dark room would be filled with his hushed words of love and promises that he was going to protect it at all costs.

            “He turns to goo whenever he sees it,” Jensen told Tom one day while they were at the diner together. “He looks at it like it’s the answer to all his questions.”

            Tom laughed as he continued to bounce Alex on his lap. “He treating your little girl any different?”

            “Looks at her the same way. It’s like he is still in awe of her every day. I have to drag him away from her every night.”

            “Sounds like a great man,” Kathy said as she breezed past them. When she came back around she leaned a hip against their table.

            “How’re you feeling?” Tom asked, hand snaking up to touch Kathy’s stomach.

            “I’m fine,” she said swatting at his hand. “I’m not even showing yet, no need to get all alpha male on me.”

            “Kathy…”

            Alex let out a shout, cutting Tom off. Twisting in the seat he saw Jared walking through the door of the diner. Jensen smiled and jumped up out of his seat and rushed over to his husband.

            “What are you doing here?” He asked after kissing his husband.

            “Got called off,” Jared told him, large hand settling on his bump. “How’re you feeling?”

            “Pretty good,” Jensen said, placing his hand on Jared’s. “Feeling pretty damn good today.”

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the lips. “I’m so glad to hear that,” he whispered.

            Alex shrieked again and pounded her little hands against the table. In baby babble she shouted for her daddy, making grabby hands at the taller man.

            “I hear you,” Jared said turning away from Jensen so that he could scoop up his oldest. “Hey there baby girl. Did you miss your daddy?”

            The resulting noises could only be taken as the affirmative. Jared’s dimples peaked out as he spun around with her daughter in his arms and walked towards Jensen. Once he was at his side he handed Alex to Jensen.

            “I need a photo,” he announced, digging into his pocket to pull out his phone.

            Photos were Jared other new thing. Every chance he got he was pulling out his phone so that he could document some sort of event. Most of the time it was a picture of Alex doing something cute or Jensen’s ever growing belly. Other times it was a picture of Jensen holding Alex.

            “Push the bump out a bit,” Jared said as he fiddled with his phone. “I want it to be noticeable.”

            “I’m basically a whale already, Jared. How much more do you want from me?”

            “Please?” He pouted. “I want all three of you in the photo.”

            Rolling his eyes Jensen curved his back a bit more so that the bump was more noticeable. Jared’s dimpled smiled returned as he quickly took the photo.

            “I’ve got such a beautiful family,” he said.

            Tom got up from his seat and looked at the picture that Jared just took. “You sure do have one hell of a family.”

            “I know.”

            “We’re supposed to be the hormonal ones,” Kathy commented as she walked past Jensen to take care of her tables.

            “Jared?”

            “Yeah babe?”

            “Can I see it?”

            “Oh…oh yeah of course. Here.”

            Jensen took the phone from Jared and looked at the picture. Even in the bad lighting of the diner Jensen could see why Jared loved the picture so much: he was glowing. He actually looked rather good for once. With the way that he was turned none of his scars were visible and Alex had a wide dimpled smile on her face. The bump was on full display and actually looked like a baby bump and not like he had eaten too much at lunch.

            “Good picture, huh?” Jared said as he came to stand next to Jensen.

            “It really is,” Jensen whispered, handing the phone back to Jared. “You can’t even see any of my scars.”

            Jared pulled the picture back up and looked at it closer, zooming into Jensen’s face a little more. Frowning he moved away from Jensen and held the camera back up.

            “One more,” he said.

            “What? Why? That picture is perfect.”

            “It’s not you. Not all of you at least. Come on, one more.”

            “Jared…”

            “Please, Jen, just one more. With the scars.”

            “Why?”

            “Because they’re a part of you. An important part of you.”

            “This is ridiculous,” Jensen mumbled as he posed again. This time he made sure to tilt his head so that the scars on his face could actually be seen.

            “Perfect,” Jared whispered.

            “You are so weird.”

            Jared smiled and walked over to wrap his arms around Jensen with Alex sandwich in between them.

            “I love you,” Jared told Jensen. “Every single part of you.”

            “I love you too.”

***

            Jared doesn’t know where the idea came from. He had never been one for tattoos, always finding them to be a bit unprofessional. As he grew up he thought about how prospective hospitals would look at him. But now that he has a job, has seen the number of doctors and nurses who have ink decorating their skin, he has started to change his tune.

            The thought really implants itself in his mind while staring at Jensen. His husband lives his life with scars littering almost every part of his body; the permanency not of his own doing. Even though Jared knows that some tattoos could never compare to Jensen’s scars he feels like they could show how permanent he is in Jensen’s life, in their children’s lives.

            “You sure about this?” Josh asked as he followed behind Jared into the tattoo parlor. The two of them left right after work, both dragging ass after pulling doubles. “You could always wait until you’re not about to fall over from exhaustion.”

            “I wanna do it today. Wanna surprise Jensen with it when we get home,” Jared mumbled, words slurring from exhaustion. “Besides I’ve gotta cover for someone tomorrow meaning I’ve got no other time.”

            “How can I help you gentleman?” A very perky, bright haired woman said as they entered the shop.

            “I was wondering if you had any opens for this morning,” Jared said, walking over to her desk.

            The woman smiles and looks through her books. “You’re early enough that we have an opening right now. Is that alright with you?”

            “Perfect.”

            “Just sit tight for a moment while I get your artist, alright?”

            “Alright,” Jared said, walking over to where Josh was already sitting down. He placed his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

            “You going to be okay?” Josh asked, setting his hand on Jared’s shoulder.

            “Just hope the artist doesn’t mind me fallin’ asleep in their chair.”

            “Not a problem, sir,” a high pitched voice said.

            Jared looked up to see a very small, dark hair girl standing in front of him. Her arms were covered in different tattoos; she also had scars on her face.

            “Hello,” Jared said, standing up to shake her hand. “Names Jared.”

            “Karen,” she said taking his offered hand. “What can I help you with today?”

            “I’m looking to get two name tattoos over my heart.”

            “Name tattoos, huh? Is it ‘mom’ and ‘dad’?” Karen teased, leading Jared back towards her station.

            “Actually its ‘Jensen’ and ‘Alexandra’. One for my husband and the other for our daughter.”

            “Most be true love if you’re getting his name. Most people steer clear of getting their spouses names tattooed on them.”

            “Its true love,” Jared tells her.

            “With that much fire behind your words I believe you. Go ahead and take a seat while I figure out font. Unless you had any ideas?”

            “I trust you.”

            “Okay,” Karen said leaving Jared alone in the little cubical. His phone beeps in his pocket; Jensen’s text tone.

            _Alex is screaming for you and baby is making me sick. When will you be home?_

            Jared can’t help but smile at the text. Baby. He still can’t believe there is another baby. He’d told Jensen that he wanted to wait for a second baby after Alex was born for Jensen’s health. The truth was Jared didn’t want to wait. He wanted to have as many babies with Jensen as he could; if he could carry them himself he would.

            “How long have you two been together?” Karen asked as she entered the cubical.

            “Little over two years. We met six months after he was discharged from the Army.”

            “Your husband is Army?”

            “Yeah. He doesn’t really like to talk about it much so I don’t know a lot.”

            Karen walked closer and showed Jared the sketches. “This font good?” She asked.

            “Perfect,” Jared whispered.

            “Okay then. Go ahead and take off your shirt so that we can get started.”

            Jared did as he was told and sat back in the seat. He watched as Karen moved around getting everything ready. She moved back over to Jared and shaved his chest before slipping on a new pair of gloves and grabbing the tattoo gun.

            “I was Navy,” Karen said just as she was about to press the gun to his skin. “Enlisted the moment I got out of high school. Convinced my mom and dad that by joining the Navy I would safe. That was until I was attached to an Army unit that was being deployed to Iraq.”

            “Is that how you got the scars?” Jared asked, staring straight ahead and gritting his teeth.

            “Suicide bomber,” she tells him.

            “My husband, Jensen, has the same scars. Road side bomber.”

            “No shit,” Karen whispered, removing the tattoo gun from Jared’s skin.

            “He’s got a bad leg and major scarring on several different parts of his body but he’s good. Carried our daughter for forty one weeks.”

            “Wow. Your husband sound like a bad ass.”

            “I think he is,” Jared said in a hushed tone. “He’s the strongest man I know.”

            “What about you? What do you do?”           

            “I’m in my residency at the hospital. Just got done with a double right before coming here.”

            “Seriously? How are you still awake?”

            “Will power and a pot of coffee. I’ll probably crash the moment I get home.”

            Karen presses the tattoo gun back to Jared’s skin as they lapse into a comfortable silence. Jared tried to focus on anything but the burning pain on his chest.

            “Tell me about your daughter,” Karen said. 

            “She’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Except for my husband that is. She’s a spitting image of him but with my nose. She’ll be seven months in a few days. Will be fifteen months when her little brother or sister is born.”

            “You want a big family?”

            “I’ll want as many children as my husband will give me. If these are the only two he’s willing to give me, then I will be the luckiest man in the world.”

            “You really are in love with him, huh?”

            Jared smiled. “So much that it hurts sometimes.”

            Karen laughed. “Well love is pain. And so are tattoos. Ready to see yours?”

            “Done already?”

            Karen nodded and moved out of the way so that Jared could get out of his seat. Walking over to the full length mirror Jared peered into it to see the tattoo. The skin around it is red with his blood and black with smudge ink but the tattoo was visible. And absolutely amazing.

            “It’s beautiful,” Jared whispered.

            “I’m really glad you like it.”

            “I love it.”

            Karen appeared behind Jared in the mirror. “I need to cover it so that it can have time to heal. You’re gonna want to go and get some scentless soap and lotion in order to clean it. No swimming in for the next few weeks until it heals. Do not pick at the lines when they start to heal, it will ruin the tattoo. And keep it clean. It’s an open wound so it can get infected.”

            Jared laughed as the smaller woman began placing cellophane on his tattoos. “Is it going to hurt?”

            “Only if you’re a baby.”

            “Right. But seriously, will it hurt?”

            “It will feel like a sunburn.”

            “Right, sunburn.”

            “You’ll be fine,” Karen said, giving his shoulder a light punch. “You can put your shirt back on.”

            Jared walked away from the mirror and picked up his discharged shirt. Slipping it on, he hissed in pain as the motion stretch the skin near the tattoo.

            “How much do I owe you?” He asked as he followed Karen out into the main sitting area.

            “One fifty without a tip.”

            “So two twenty?”

            Karen stopped at the desk and turned to Jared. “If you want to tip me seventy bucks then yeah.”

            “I think you deserve every penny,” Jared told her as he pulled out his checkbook.

            Karen smiled. “Your Jensen is a very lucky man.”

            Josh came over and stood next to Jared as he wrote out his check. “Been saying that since the day they met.”

            “Nah,” Jared said, sighing the check and handing it to the girl behind the counter. “I’m the lucky one.”

***

            “Where have you two been?” Danny asked when Josh and Jared finally entered the house. “Your shifts ended like three hours ago.”

            “Jared and I made a quick stop,” Josh told his husband after giving him a kiss.

            “Where?”

            “Jared got a tattoo.”

            “You did?”

            Jared nodded and moved the neck of his shirt down to show the cellophane covered tattoo.

            “Oh! That is so cute,” Danny said, moving closer to get a better look. “Did Jensen know you were doing this?”

            “Nope, it’s a surprise,” Jared said. “Where is he?”

            “Laying down on the couch. Poor thing has been dealing with morning sickness. I’ve been on Alex watch.”

            Jared nodded and made his way into the living room where he found Jensen lying on the couch asleep. He couldn’t help but smile at how peaceful the older man looked.

            “I can feel you staring at me,” Jensen mumbled, opening blurry green eyes. “Where have you been?”

            “I had an appointment,” Jared told him. He walked over to the couch, lifted Jensen’s feet, sat down and placed the older man’s feet in his lap.

            “Is everything okay?” Jensen asked, moving to sit up a bit.

            “Everything is fine,” Jared reassured as he began to massage Jensen’s feet.

            “Then what type of appointment did you have?”

            Jared turned his body and removed his shirt.

            “You…Jared?”

            “I’ve been thinking about getting these for a while,” he whispered, looking down at the tattoo. “I know it seems stupid but I wanted to get something that is as permanent as your scars, only something sweeter. I know they will never measure up to what you have but I wanted them to have a statement.”

            “And what is that statement?”

            Jared got off the couch and squatted down next to Jensen’s head. “That I’m permanent, baby. As long as these two tattoos are on my skin, over my heart, I will be here for you and Alex.” He moved his hand down to cup Jensen’s bump. “And when we find out the gender of this one and name him or her I will get their name too.”

            “Jared…”

            “I know it sounds stupid but…I love you Jensen. I love you more than anything in this world. The only thing that rivals my love for you is the love that I have for Alex and our unborn child.”

            “They’re absolutely beautiful,” Jensen told him placing his hand just under the cellophane.

            “Well they have to be in order to rival the beauty of you and Alex.”

            “You are so cheesy,” Jensen mumbled.

            “Yeah but you love me.”

            “Lord only know why I do. But I do. So, so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I updated. Thank you so, so much for being patient with me on this. Work, school and my extremely limited social life got in the way. But no more excuses. I will try to update every Monday until this story comes to an end.


	49. Chapter 49

Jared started referring to the baby as ‘Jamie’ when Jensen was only fourteen weeks along. According to him the name just seemed to fit for some reason. Jensen couldn’t really argue with him. So the baby becomes Jamie and Alex seemed beyond pleased.

            The little girl doesn’t understand what is happening within her papa; she’s too young for that. The ten month old just barely learned how to scream ‘dada’ and ‘papa’ at the top of her lungs so ‘Jamie’ is still a little too difficult. That doesn’t stop her from smiling so widely whenever she pats Jensen stomach.

            “Is baby ‘Jamie’ in there?” Jensen asked as Alex patted his stomach. “Is your little brother or sister in there?”

            Big dimples form in Alex’s cheeks at Jensen’s words. Whenever they pop out Jensen’s breath catches; they’re so much like her daddy’s that it’s surprising.

            “Babe,” Alex’s said, patting Jensen’s belly again.

            “Yes, Alex there’s a baby in there.”

            Alex crawled forward and collapsed against Jensen’s belly, cuddling as close as she can to him with his stomach in the way. She rested her cheek just above his belly button and sighed.

            The flash of a camera made Jensen look up from his daughter to find his husband in the doorway, camera raised and a big smile in his face.

            “Priceless,” Jared whispered as he came into the room.

            “You know Alex is going to be upset when she’s older.”

            “Why?”

            “Because of all the pictures you’ve taken of me pregnant with Jamie here. You barely took any pictures of me when I was pregnant with her.”

            Jared frowned and looked down at his phone. “You’re right. But at least she’ll be happy to know that I took a lot of her when she was a baby and toddler. Those are the important ones.”

            Jensen smiled up at Jared and lifted Alex so that she was over his head. Jared moved forward and took their daughter into his arms, wincing slightly when the skin around his tattoo stretched.

            “You should have waited to get that new tattoo,” Jensen mumbled.

            “Why?”

            “What if-“

            “Nope,” Jared said cutting Jensen off. Spinning on his heels Jared disappeared into the next room.

            Sighing heavily, Jensen got up off the floor and followed after Jared. He found his husband in the kitchen feeding Alex little pieces of graham crackers.

            “I’m just trying to think logically,” Jensen said.

            “No you’re not. You’re jumping to the worst possible scenario, just like you always do.”

            “Jared-“

            “You’re out of the first trimestor and the doctor has told us repeatedly that little Jamie is okay. The doctor wouldn’t have told us that Jamie was okay if they weren’t.”

            “But what if-“

            “Please with the ‘what if’s’,” Jared growled. “Can’t you just be optimistic for once? Can’t you believe that everything is going to be okay?”

            Jensen moved closer to Alex and ran his hand through her blonde hair. “I’m just afraid to get my hopes up and then something bad happen,” he whispered watching as Alex slobbered all over a piece of cracker.

            “Nothing bad is going to happen,” Jared said as he wrapped an arm around Jensen’s waist. “Jamie is fine.”

            “You’re right,” Jensen told him. “I know you’re right. I’m just being hormonal, that’s all. Jamie is perfectly all right. I just need to believe that.”

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen on the temple. “Thank you,” he whispered.

            Jensen stepped back from Jared. “I’m going to go take a nap,” he said. “Wake me up in an hour?”

            “Of course,” Jared said, scooping Alex up. “I love you.”

            “Love you too.”

***

            Jared’s not sure how he knew something was wrong. All he knew was that he felt almost possessed into getting Jensen up earlier than asked. Maybe it was the conversation he had with Jensen still running around in his head. Maybe it was Alex’s continually asking for her papa. All he knew was that twenty minutes into Jensen’s nap Jared went upstairs to check on his husband.

            Jensen was sitting up on the bed when he entered the room; hand cupping the underside of his bump and tears in his eyes. Jared rushed forward, eyes darting around the room to figure out what could have made his husband cry. That’s when he saw it.

            “Blood,” he whispered, looking down at Jensen’s red stained hand. “Baby is that…”

            “I woke up because I felt s-sticky,” Jensen gasped.

            “We need to get you to the doctor,” Jared said, standing back up. “We need to get you to the E.R.”

            “But Alex…”

            “Danny is home. Danny will watch her while I take you. Can you walk?”

            Jensen nodded his head and slowly, shakily got to his feet. When he stood Jared could see the patch of blood that was staining their fitted sheet.

            “I need to get changed,” Jensen whispered.

            Jared rushed forward and helped his husband into a new pair of underwear and a comfy pair of sweats. After getting him downstairs he found Danny and told him what was going on.

            “God, no,” Danny gasped. “This can’t happen. Not to him.”

            “We don’t know what is happening,” Jared said trying to keep as calm and collected as he could. “Everything could be okay. I’m going to call his doctor on the way to the E.R and everything is going to be okay.”

            “Jared, what-“

            “Everything is going to be okay,” Jared growled. “Jensen and Jamie are fine. They’re fine.”

            “Okay,” Danny whispered.

            Jared nodded and rushed out of the room to where Jensen was standing in the entry way of the house. His husband had found one of his old sweatshirts and it was hanging off of him, engulfing him and covering up the bump.

            “Come on,” Jared said softly, taking Jensen’s arm and leading him out of the house.

            The car ride was silent after Jared made the call. Jensen had his eyes closed, hands resting on either side of the bump. Jared knew he was praying. Hell Jared was praying too.

            “If we lose Jamie…” Jensen whispered when they were almost to the hospital.

            “We’re not losing Jamie,” Jared told him.

            “But if we do…”

            “Jensen…”

            “Jared, please! Just let me say this, okay? If we lose Jamie I don’t want to try again.”

            “You don’t want any more children?”

            Jensen turned his head and didn’t say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a few days late. I took a trip to Disney world Monday-Wednesday and didn't get a chance to write. And I know this is short but I will have a new chapter out soon.


	50. Happy and thriving

Jensen stared down at the ultrasound photo of Jamie and tried not to cry. The baby wasn’t gone; his little Jamie wasn’t dead. He still couldn’t believe that with that much blood that the little fetus was still alive inside him. The doctor told him it was normal; that he was experiencing some cervical changes and that was the reason behind the bleeding. He didn’t believe him until he brought out the ultrasound machine and showed him.

            There was a light knock on the door and Jensen looked up to see his doctor walking into the room. The older man had a smile on his face and a chart in his hand.

            “The baby’s heart rate is stable and everything seems to be perfect still. But I want to keep you a little longer until the bleeding stops. I just want to make sure that you don’t lose too much blood.”

            “Okay.”

            “I’ll come back in and check on you in an hour,” he told him before exiting the room again.

            Jensen looked back down at the ultrasound and smiled. Little Jamie had been moving around during the scan. Jamie had been kicking their feet around and waving their little arms. Jamie was moving around so much that a gender couldn’t be determined on the scan.

            “Hey,” Jared said breaking Jensen out of his thoughts.

            “Hey you,” Jensen whispered. “Where did you disappear to?”

            “Went up a few floors to talk to Josh. I got a text from him right after we arrived at the hospital about how Danny was freaking out and I wanted to tell him that everything is okay in person.”

            Jared came over and sat next to Jensen on the bed. He placed a hand on Jensen’s belly.

            “This is my fault,” Jensen said after a few moments of silence.

            How is this your fault?”

            “I was being so negative about everything. We were being punished of my negativity.”

            “So you’re saying God was trying to tell you to stop being negative by making you believe you lost Jamie?”

            Jensen shrugged. “Maybe not God. I refuse to believe that God is that vindictive and mean. I think it was my bodies way of telling me to stop being so negative.”

            “Does this mean you’re going to be more positive?” Jared asked.

            “I’m going to try. I can’t keep living my life in such a negative way. I have to start believing that good things do happen.”

            Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen on the lips. “I am so glad to hear that,” he whispered against his lips.

            “About what I said in the car...”

            Jared straightened up. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it.”

            “Yes we do, Jared.”

            “I get it, Jensen.”

            “Do you?”

            “Yes, I do. If we lost Jamie that would be two. I completely understand why you would be so unwilling to try again.”

            “I just don’t think I could have taken the heart break again.”

            “I know. I feel the same way.”

            “You do?”

            “Yeah, I do. I don’t know what it is like to go through a miscarriage, how it effects you mentally, but I know how it effects you emotionally. Jensen, I…I felt like I couldn’t physically get out of bed after we lost that baby. I felt so sad, so angry that the idea of facing the world just didn’t seem possible. If we lost Jamie…”

            “It would have been ten times worse because Jamie has a name, a face. The other one didn’t.”

            “I use to dream about that baby; before Alex was born. I don’t know how many times I woke up in the middle of the night crying because of the image my mind conjured up.”

            “Was the baby beautiful?”

            Jared laughed softly and moved to lay down next to Jensen. He took his hand into his. “He was beautiful. He had my eyes and your hair. When he smiled he had these deep dimples, kind of like Alex’s.”

            “He?”

            “My mind always conjured a boy. A little boy who was always running around in tall grass as the sun was setting with you close behind him.”

            Jensen rubbed his belly softly with his free hand. “Maybe you were dreaming of Jamie?”

            Jared’s hand joined Jensen’s. “Maybe.”

***

            When Jensen was finally released from the hospital he was put on temporary bed rest. His doctor promised him it was only for a week or so to make sure that the bleeding didn’t start again. Jensen grumbled a bit but promised that he would listen and take it easy until his next doctor’s appointment in two weeks.

            Before Alex Jensen would have dreaded bed rest. He remembered how much he hated being cooped up in bed while pregnant with his daughter. Now though, now he welcomed it. The idea of being able to just laze around in bed with his daughter didn’t seem like such a chore.

            “Do you think we have everything for a good day in bed?” Jensen asked Alex as he got her comfortable.

            Alex looked around the bed and reached out to grab the stuffed monkey that Jared got for her. She cuddled up close to Jensen and let out a content little sigh.

            “You like cuddling with papa, huh?” he whispered, running his hand through her hair. “Well I enjoy cuddling with you too.”

            Alex opened her eyes and looked up at Jensen with her big, green eyes. “Sofia?” she asked softly.

            “You wanna watch Sofia?” Jensen asked her.

            The little girl nodded.

            “Okay then, Sofia it is.”

            Jensen grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. Going through the recorded list he found the right show and turned it on. As children cartoons go, Sofia the First isn’t really that bad. Jensen knew that he could sit through a few episodes before it got to be too much.

            Three episodes later, Alex was fast asleep. After checking several times to make sure that she was actually asleep Jensen turned off Sofia the First and put on some SpongeBob. Although it was not something he typically put on when Alex was around he knew that the show could put him to sleep relatively quickly and that he could turn it off right before he nodded off to sleep.

            Which is exactly what he did twenty minutes later. Until Jared came into the room.

            “Shit, did I wake you?” His husband whispered.

            “What are you doing home so early?”

            “Pawned my patients off on another doctor so that I could come home and be with you. How are you feeling?”

            “I’m feeling good. Little Jamie is being nice to me and Alex has been an angel as always. How about you?”

            Jared took a deep breath and sat down. “I’m okay. I don’t think the reality of the situation really hit me until earlier this morning. I mean I was freaking out before but this morning…”

            “What? What happened this morning?”

            “I started crying in the break room. Someone asked me how you were doing and I just…God I lost it. It was mortifying. Probably the reason why the other doctor took my patients.”

            Jensen moved closer to Jared and grabbed his hand. “Are you okay now?”

            Jared nodded. “Just think I needed a good cry. I’m feeling so much better now.”

            “You could have talked to me about how you were feeling. Could have mentioned to me yesterday that you were upset.”

            “The thing is: I wasn’t upset. I was fine. I felt perfectly okay until this morning. I guess I just sort of convinced myself into being okay. Convinced myself to be strong for you.”

            “Don’t you ever feel like you have to be strong for me,” Jensen told him. “You’re allowed to feel weak every now and then. I can help you through it just like you helped me through it.”

            Jared sighed, bowing his head. “I know, I know.”

            “I want you to talk to me when you feel upset. I want you to trust that I can be the strong one when you need me to be.”

            Jared lifted his head and smiled. “That therapist of yours is really helping you, huh?”

            Jensen laughed softly. “Yeah, he’s doing a really good job.”

            “Dada?” Alex said groggily.

            “Hey baby girl,” Jared whispered leaning over Jensen and picking up Alex. “You have a good nap?”

            “Yup,” she shrieked happily.

            “You want a snack?”

            “Apples?”

            “You want some apples? Yeah I think I can get that for you. Do you want anything Jensen?”

            “I’m fine for now. I think I’m just going to take a nap.”

            Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen softly on the lips. “I’ll bring something up to you in half an hour, okay?”

            Jensen rearranged himself and got comfortable in bed. “Okay.”

            “And if anything happens I want you to scream for me, okay?”           

            “Okay.”

            Jared leaned down with Alex and they both kissed Jensen on the cheek.

            “Love you, papa,” Alex said.

            “I love you too, baby girl.”

            When Jared straightened up Alex whined. She turned in Jared’s arms and reached out towards Jensen’s belly.

            “’Aime,” she shrieked.

            “What’s wrong, Alex?” Jared asked the struggling girl.

            “’Aime!”

            “I think she wants to give Jamie a kiss,” Jensen said.

            Laughing softly Jared bent down so that Alex was over Jensen’s belly. Alex placed both hands on Jensen’s belly and kissed it loudly.

            “Love you, ‘Aime,” she whispered to his belly before kissing it again.

            “Baby Jamie loves you too,” Jared said as he straightened up.

            Alex giggled and wrapped her arms around Jared’s neck. “Apples?”      

            “Yeah, baby girl, apples.”

            Jensen watched as Jared and Alex left the room. He got himself comfortable in bed again. Rubbing his hands down his belly he could help but smile. His family was healthy and thriving and he couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliff hanger at the end of the last chapter. I'm hoping that I won't add too much more drama but knowing my muse it will happen. Hope you enjoyed.


	51. Trying something new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned this is porn and fluff.

“Jared,” Jensen whined, withering around the bed.

            Jared looked down at Jensen and slowed down the fingers that he had been pumping in and out of his husband. Jensen was making such beautiful noises underneath him and he didn’t want it to stop. He wanted to hear the noises spill from his husbands red lips.

            “Jesus,” Jared said, leaning down to suck a mark into Jensen’s chest. “You are so beautiful like this.”

            Jensen whimpered and pushed down on Jared’s fingers. “Harder,” he panted, his hand gripping tightly to Jared’s arm. “Please, Jared, please.”

            Jared lifted his head; peeking through his bangs at Jensen. “If I go harder you’ll come.”

            “That’s the point,” Jensen hissed.

            “If you come, I come. How is that fun for anyone?”

            Jensen whined and banged his head back on the pillow under his head. “Jared!”

            Jared shushed him with a biting kiss to the lips. “You’ll wake the house with how loud you’re being.”

            Jensen narrowed his eyes and the next thing Jared knew he was on his back looking up at him.

            “Never forget I’m ex-military, Jared,” he growled.

            “What are you going to do?” Jared asked.

            Jensen lifted an eyebrow at Jared’s threat. Leaning down he licked from the base of Jared’s cock to the tip. Slowly Jensen got off the bed and grabbed something from the floor.

            “What are you doing?”

            Jensen looked at Jared and smiled. He had a belt in his hand.

            “You going to whip me with that?”

            He shook his head.

            Jared’s mouth formed an ‘o’. “You’re going to tie me up?”

            He nodded his head.

            “Shit.”

            Still smiling Jensen moved around the bed. Jared stretched his arms over his head and grasped onto the head board so that it was easier for Jensen to tie him up. The knot wasn’t very tight; Jared could get out of it at any time that he wanted.

            “You’re okay with this?” Jensen asked, running a hand through Jared’s hair.

            “Yes.”

            “Sure?”

            Jared nodded.

            “Okay.”

            Jensen climbed back onto the bed and straddled Jared. Slowly, oh so fucking slowly, Jensen jacked Jared’s cock.

            “Jensen,” Jared whined.

            “Not so much fun when you’re on the other side, huh?”

            “Please, Jensen. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

            Jensen shushed him. “Okay, okay. I’ll give you what you want.”

            With that Jensen lifted himself and lowered himself onto Jared’s dick. They let out twin sighs of pleasure when Jared’s cock was finally sheathed inside of Jensen.

            “Feel so good, baby,” Jared sighed, itching to touch.

            Jensen placed his hands on Jared’s chest and lifted himself up until just the tip of his cock was inside of him. He set up a slow pace trying to prolong the experience. Jared fucked up into Jensen, meeting him halfway.

            “Jared,” Jensen scolded.

            “Thought you wanted for this to go quickly,” Jared said.

            Jensen huffed and sped up his pace. “Close,” he whispered.

            “Me too.”

            Jared broke his hands out of the knot and grabbed onto Jensen’s cock, jacking it fast, making Jensen yelp. With his hands free Jared could grab onto Jensen’s hip and guide him in a way so that he could hit his prostate.

            “Jared!” Jensen shouted, coming all over Jared’s chest.

            “Jen,” Jared sighed coming just seconds after.

            Carefully Jensen fell to the side of Jared. Snaking his hand around Jensen’s waist Jared pulled his husband close to him.

            “Where did that come from?” He asked against his temple.

            “Porn?”

            Jared laughed. “Seriously, where did that come from?”

            “Just felt right,” he said with a shrug.

            “Okay. Want to get cleaned up?”

            Jensen whined. “Too tired.”

            Jared sighed and released Jensen so that he could roll off of the bed. He padded into the bathroom, grabbed a wash cloth, soaked it in warm water, and made his way back into the bedroom. Jensen was laying in the same place, hand smoothing up and down his bump.

            “How’re you feeling?” Jared asked him as he approached the bed.

            Jensen lifted his eyes to look at Jared. “Good.”

            “Yeah?”

            Jensen nodded.

            Jared bent down to clean Jensen up. “You feeling okay?”

            “I’m so good, Jared. I can’t even explain it. I’m so incredibly happy.”

            Jared’s hand stopped. “Seriously?”

            Jensen nodded, hand lifting to caress Jared’s face. “Seriously. I love you so much.”

            “I love you too,” Jared said, leaning down to kiss him.

            “I should be able to feel Jamie move soon.”

            “I know,” Jared said, dopy smile on his face. “And then we’ll be able to find out Jamie’s gender.”

            “I want Jamie to be a boy,” Jensen confessed.

            “Me too,” Jared told him. “But I will be happy as long as he or she is healthy.”

            “A little girl wouldn’t be terrible either. Alex is just a joy, I’d love to have another.”

            Jared moved around so that his face was pressed against Jensen’s belly. “Love you Jamie,” he whispered. “Can’t wait until you’re big enough to come out into the world. I want you to promise that you will stay right in there until you’re ready. Got it?”

            “Jack and Alex did so I think Jamie will as well.”

            “They better.”

            “I want another afterwards,” Jensen said.

            “Really?”

            “I mean like way, way after but yeah, I want another.”

            Jared rushed up the bed and kissed Jensen hard on the lips. “Me too,” he said in between kisses. “I want so many babies with you.”

            “Good because I want at least four.”

            “Oh God, a man after my own heart,” he swooned.

            Jensen laughed and kissed Jared. “You think you can go for a round too.”

            “You kidding me? With how horny you make me I could muster up a round three.”

            “Good,” Jensen purred, running a hand down Jared’s back. “Because there are other things I want to try tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of my WIPs are going to start being updated as much as possible. It's weird because I had myself convinced that I already posted this. lol


	52. And the fourth addition to the family is...

 

            Jamie is a little boy. Or at least that is what the doctor told Jared and Jensen during their last ultrasound. He warned them that he might be wrong, that the little one was moving around a lot and he could have been mistaken.

            “We will know for sure at your next ultrasound,” the doctor told him as he handed him a paper towel to clean his belly. “But I am almost positive you’re carrying a little boy.”

            Jensen smiled as he whipped the gel off. “We’ll take it. My brother and his husband have a lot of baby clothes laying around from their twins so either way we are covered.”

            “I just want to warn you of something,” the doctor stated making Jensen hold his breath.

            Jared gripped Jensen’s hand tightly. “Is he okay?”

            “He’s doing great. He’s just very big. He is measuring way out of his percentile for a baby that is only five months along. This isn’t unexpected from a little boy with two daddies as big as you two are. But if he continues to grow at this rate I would feel much more comfortable delivering him early.”

            “How early?” Jensen asked.

            “I’m thinking thirty six weeks. But that is only if he continues to grow in this rate. There is always a possibility that he might plateau closer to thirty weeks.”

            “Is inducing early the best decision for the baby and Jensen?” Jared asked, hand still gripping Jensen’s tightly.

            “Speaking doctor to doctor I believe it will be the safest option for your husband and baby. With how big I am projecting him to be we could run into quite a few complication with we try to aim for full term.”

            “Okay,” Jensen whispered, placing a hand on his stomach. “Whatever is the safest option for little Jamie.”

            “Whatever is the safest option for the both of you,” Jared corrected, kissing Jensen softly.

            “We’ll keep an eye on the baby’s weight from now on. Make sure to set up another appointment with the receptionist on the way out.”

            “This is all your fault,” Jensen said later as they were getting in the car.

            “My fault? Why?”

            “If you weren’t so freakishly big we wouldn’t be running into this problem. I bet if I had a shorter husband there wouldn’t be a possibility of me having a giant baby.”

            Jared shrugged. “I’d rather him be larger than too small.”

            Jensen sighed and looked down at the ultrasound that proudly exclaimed “I’m a boy!” at the top. “We’re right. I’m just afraid that I might have to get a c section.”

            “Well that is the point of the early induction. That way we won’t have to worry about that having to happen.”

            Jensen reached across the console and grabbed Jared’s hand. “You’re amazing you know that, right? I love your optimistic brain so much.”

           “Like I’ve always said: one of us has to be optimistic in this relationship.”

            “God I love you.”

            “I love you too, baby.”

***

            “Another boy?” Jack asked looking at the ultrasound. “Are you sure that’s even a baby?”

            “Yes Jack that is a baby,” Danny said, taking the picture from him.

            Jack looked at Alex, Eben, and Kelly. “Okay…”

            “’Aime,” Alex yelled, placing her hand on Jensen’s stomach.

            Jensen pulled Alex into his shrinking lap and kissed the top of her head “That’s right Alex. You’re little brother is in there.”

            “How is everything going by the way?” Danny asked as he tried to braid Kelly’s hair.

            “Because of my freakishly large husband my baby is on the large side. He is going to be so large in fact that they are already talking about inducing me early.”

            “How early?”

            “Thirty six weeks. My doctor is afraid that if they let him stay in for term that something might go wrong.”

            “That’s how long Kelly and Eben were carried for and they came out perfectly healthy. In fact if you remember the doctors said that they were some of the largest twins he’d even delivered.”

            “I know,” Jensen whispered, looking down at Alex snuggled against him. “I’m just afraid. But what else is new, right?”

            Danny walked over and sat down next to Jensen. “If the doctor says it good then it’s good. She wouldn’t be suggesting it unless it was one hundred percent necessary.”

            Jensen nodded and smoothed back some of Alex’s hair from her face. She made a happy little sigh and moved so that she was half on Jensen and half off of him.

            “I think it’s time for someone’s nap,” Jensen said as he lifted Alex into his arms and stood up.       

            Danny looked over at his twins and laughed when he saw them dozing on the floor. “I think you’re right.”

            Jensen gave Danny a smile before making his way up the stairs to his and Jared’s bedroom. Quietly he pushed open the door and crept in so as to not wake Jared. After working two double in a row Jared finally got a few days off and was spending them sleeping. The longest he’d been awake was for Jensen’s doctor’s appointment.

            “Everything okay?” Jared mumbled sleepily.

            “Didn’t mean to wake you,” Jensen whispered, frozen in place.

            “I’m a much lighter sleepier now. I woke up to the sound of you walking up the stairs.”

            “Sorry. I just thought maybe you’d like a little company.”

            Jared lifted his head off the pillow a little bit and smiled. “She ready for a nap?”

            “She’s being really cuddly today and I thought you’d want to cash in on it even though you’re napping.”

            “Give her here,” Jared said, sitting up in bed. When Jensen passed Alex over to him he laid back down with her cradled to his chest.

            “I’m gonna let you get back to sleep,” Jensen said, backing out of the room.

            “Jensen?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Thank you.”

            “For what?”

            “For making me the happiest man in the world. For allowing me to love you and be the father to our beautiful little baby girl and our soon to be handsome little boy.”

            “No need to thank me.”

            Jared looked up at Jensen. “I will always thank you for all of this.”

            Jensen rolled his eyes trying to cover up the fact that he was crying. “Stop being so sappy.”

            “Can’t help it,” Jared whispered, head back on the pillow and eyes closed again, “you make me sappy.”

            Jensen back out of the room and shut the door behind him. Turning around he placed his back against the door and his head in his hands.

            “You okay?” Danny asked as he stepped out of the twin’s room.

            “Yeah,” Jensen said, lifting his head and wiping tears from his eyes. “I just can’t get over how amazing my husband is.”

            “Did sleepy Jared confess his gratitude again?”       

            Jensen gave a watery laugh. “He did. It doesn’t matter how many times he does that it always makes me cry.”

            Danny walked over and placed a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “He’s a good man.”

            Jensen nodded his head. “He certainly is.”

           

           

           

           

 


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cracks knuckles* Lets do this!

As Jensen entered his sixth month he began to feel heavier. His stomach was ten times bigger now with Jamie then it had been when he was six months with Alex. He wasn't in pain he just felt extremely weighed down. He found that getting up took a lot of effort; he was also now making loud grunting noises everyone he attempted to stand. Most of the time he couldn't even get up without someone assisting him.

  
“You look tired,” Danny said as he entered the kitchen.

  
“I am,” Jensen admitted, shifting Alex to his other hip.

  
“You want me to hold her?”

  
Jensen shook his head. “I'm good.”

  
“You sure? Isn't she over the weight of what you're allowed to lift?”

  
Jensen scowled. “No,” he huffed turning his back on his brother in law. He stirred the pot of soup he was making. “My daughter is not too heavily for me to hold.”

  
“I didn't mean any offense,” Danny mumbled. He moved forward and placed a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “I know Jamie is putting a lot of strain on you and I just want to help out.”

  
“I know,” Jensen whispered, voice cracking as he tried to hold back tears. “It was never this hard with Alex. Sure I had some issues towards the end of the pregnancy but it was never this bad. First there was the bleeding and then there is the whole size thing. I feel like a house and I know I look like one and…”

  
“Hey,” Danny said quietly, cutting Jensen off. Gently he spun Jensen around and took Alex from him. After placing her in her high chair he moved back over to Jensen.

  
“First of all you do not look like a house. You look absolutely stunning. You are practically glowing. Second of all, how long have you been keeping all of this in? Does Jared know about how're feeling?”

  
“No.”

  
“Why not?”

  
“I don't want to be a burden. He's so busy with work and I don't want him to be worried about me all the time.”

  
“You're not a burden. Jared loves you too much to ever think of you as a burden.”

  
“I know that, I do, I just… He keeps talking about taking time off so that he can help me with Alex so that I am not so tired but I don't want him to lose all that time. He's worked so long his whole life to get to this point and I don't want to be the reason he slows down.”

  
“You are carrying what is quite possibly a eleven pound baby while also taking care of a eight month old baby. No one would fault you if you asked for a little help."

  
“You take care of twin one year olds no problem.”

  
Danny bust out laughing. “I look like I have no problems? Thank God. Jensen I lock myself in the bathroom at least twice a day to get away from my children. And when Jack’s home? I pawn his siblings off on him. If he was ten years older I'd be placing those two babies in his arms and going to have a drink on days he doesn't have school.”

  
“You always seem so put together,” Jensen whispered.

  
“That's because I've got your brother. On his days off he get to sleep until Jack comes home and then he is on child duty. We have a balance that you and Jared do not have. One that you two could have if you just let him help you.”

  
Jensen ran his hand over his belly. “I never learn,” he whispered. “I always try to take on too much. He asks he everyday if there is anything he can do to lighten my load and I tell him I'm fine. He offers to take care of Alex so that I can nap and I tell him to nap instead.”

  
“Do you need a nap?”

  
“Kind of. But Jared’s not home until seven and Alex already went down for a nap so I can't really take one.”

  
“I'll watch pipsqueak while you nap.”

  
“You've got the twins…”

  
“I've got it covered. Go upstairs and get some sleep. I'll come and get you in an hour so that you can help me make dinner.”  
“Are you sure?”

  
“Positive.”

  
Jensen nodded. Walking over to Alex he gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead before heading out of the kitchen. Once up the stairs and in his bedroom he stripped out of his jeans and crawled under the covers. He was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

  
***

  
The sound of plates being placed on a table and silverware clinking woke Jensen up. With blurring eyes he looked at the clock and was shocked to find that it was already six forty; he'd been asleep for almost three hours. With some struggle he managed to hoist himself out of bed and pulled on some pants before making his way back down stairs.

  
“She's bathed and just waiting for dinner,” Danny informed him when his feet hit the landing.

“I thought you or Jared would like the honor of doing that.”

  
“Why didn't you wake me up? You mush have hand your hands full.”

  
“Was a piece of cake. Eben and Kelly were angels all day and so was little Alex. Plus Jack helped me take care of them when he got home from school.”

  
“I helped bathe them,” Jack announced proudly as he bounced Kelly on hip lap. “Alex splashes water all over the counter and Papa and I. I think she might have gotten bubbles on the ceiling.”

  
“Was my baby girl a little devil while getting her bath?” Jensen cooed at Alex. “She always did love splashing water everywhere.”

  
“Jack was the same,” Danny said. “I was afraid to bathe him in the tub cause I thought he was gonna cause mold to form in the bathroom.”

  
“Do you think that's cause we're siblings?” Jack asked.

  
Danny and Jensen shared a look. Jack had become comfortable asking questions like that when Alex turned five months old. Every time Danny or Josh told a story about Jack as a baby and Jensen was able to relate it to Alex Jack would ask if it had anything to do with them being related. To Jack Alex was his cousin AND his half sister and he was perfectly okay with it.

  
“I doubt it. I think you two both love the water,” Danny told him.

  
“But our eyes and our hair are the same cause we're related, right?”

  
“Yup,” Jensen for what was probably the hundredth time.

  
Jack nodded, happy with his uncle Jen and his papas answer.

  
“He may not see you as a papa but he sees that little girl as his sister,” Danny said to Jensen when Jack’s attention was fully back on Kelly.

  
“Do you think that is a problem?”

  
Danny shook his head. “I think it's sweet. Jack just has so much love to give and he wants to spread it around to everyone. He’ll probably be the same with Jamie.”

  
“Kids his age are not going to understand. I feel like we're gonna be doing a lot of damage control in a few years.”

  
“Probably. At least his comfortable with it.”

  
“I'm glad you're comfortable with it.”

  
“We were gonna have to tell him sooner or later. I still hate that it happened the way it did but I'm happy it happened.”

  
“Me too. I think if we'd waited it wouldn't have gone as smoothly.”

  
“I would have hated us all if we waited until he was a teenager. At least now he gets to grow up with the knowledge instead of being blindsided with it later.”

  
“Papa.”

  
“Yes Jack?”

  
“I think Kelly needs a diaper change. She smells bad.”

  
Danny laughed and rushed over to retrieve the toddler from his eldest.

  
“My, my,” he said, holding Kelly an arms length away. “Someone sure is stinky.”

  
“Stinky!” Eben shouted for his spot in the couch next to Jack.

  
“Yeah stinky!” Jack agreed.

  
“’nky!” Alex parroted.

  
Jack cooed at her from the couch. Jensen couldn't help but smile at how perfect his life was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter kind of blows I know but I wanted to try and get something up for this fic. It is NOT abandoned, it's just taken a back seat to my crazy, crazy life. (Also because of Without the light which seems to just be a no brainier to me for some reason).


	54. Chapter 54

“Do you want a backrub?”

            “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Jared asked as he rolled his shoulder.

            Jensen rolled his eyes and moved to kneel behind Jared on the bed. “I’m pregnant, not dying. I don’t always need backrubs.”

            “I’m fine, seriously. Don’t worry about it babe.”

            Jensen dug his fingers into Jared’s lower back and smirked when Jared let out a moan. The younger man had been working nonstop, picking up as many shifts as he could so that he could take time off for when Jamie was born.

            “Doesn’t sound like you are fine,” Jensen whispered against his neck.

            “You play dirty,” he moaned.

            “All I did was touch your back and you practically melted into goo. Why didn’t you want me to massage your back?”

            “Supposed to be providing for you. Can’t be looking weak in front of my pregnant husband.”

            “You’ve worked almost one hundred hours in the last two weeks. You are providing for me and you look far from weak. But you’re running yourself ragged and I’m starting to worry.”

            “No need to worry. I’m fine.”

            “You barely sleep. You barely eat. You’ve lost a lot of weight in the last month. What is going on?”

            “Nothing,” Jared hissed, getting up off the bed. “I’m _fine._ ”

            Jensen moved so that he was sitting cross legged on the bed. “Jared…”

            “Get off my back,” Jared said. “There is nothing wrong, okay?”

            “Okay,” Jensen conceded. “Sorry.”

            Jared huffed out a breath and stomped out of the room.

            “Everything alright?” Josh asked, leaning against the door frame.

            “I don’t think so,” Jensen mumbled. “There’s something wrong with Jared and he won’t tell me what it is.”

            “He hasn’t told you?”

            “Told me what?”

            Josh sighed and moved into the room. “I really shouldn’t be telling you this,” he mumbled, moving to sit on the bed with his brother. “There’s a hospital upstate that needs doctors and Jared was suggested. They want Jared to move up there to finish his residency and then want him to stay on.”

            “Why didn’t he tell me?”

            Josh shrugged.

            Jensen pushed up off the bed. “I’m going to go talk to him.”

            He finds Jared in the study, head bent and hands clasped tightly on his lap. His hair is in his face but Jensen can tell he’s been crying. As smoothly as he can Jensen entered the room and moved to kneel in front of his husband.

            “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, hands moving to rest on Jared’s knees.

            “Can’t trust your brother with a secret,” Jared mumbled.

            “Why is it a secret? Why not just tell me?”

            “I haven’t made up my mind yet?”

            “Why not? This is a great opportunity for you. They’re offering to let you finish your residency AND give you a job. This is a good thing.”

            “What about you?”

            “What about me? I go where you go. We’re family Jared, you’re my husband, if this is a good thing then we’ve got to take advantage of it.”

            “Your friends are here, your family. I don’t want to take you away from it.”

            “I’m a big boy I can make new friends. And as long as I’ve got you and Alex and Jamie I’ll be fine. Besides, Josh told me it was upstate. It’s close to your family, right?”

            “About an hour away.”

            Jensen moves up a bit so that he can be closer to Jared. “Then I will be near family. And I can always travel down here to see Josh and Danny and my friends.”

            “What about Jack? How is he going to feel about this?”

            “He’ll understand. It’ll be okay.”

            Jared surged forward and kissed Jensen. He pulled him up onto his lap and held him as close as he could as he kissed him.

            “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered against his lips. “You’re too good for me.”

            “You do deserve me and I’m not too good for you.”

            “You’re willing to move away from everyone you know just so that I can better my career.”

            “Did you really think that I wouldn’t want you to go? That I would tell you that we had to stay here?”

            “I just felt like a selfish bastard. You’ve got everything here and I wanted you to pack up and leave it all. Just didn’t feel right.”

            Jensen rolled his eyes and kissed Jared. “I would be the selfish bastard if I told you we couldn’t go. Do you know when you need to be up there?”

            “As soon as possible? They really didn’t give me a timeline.”

            Jensen nodded. “Did you want to head up by yourself and scout the location? See if you can find us a house?”

            “What about you and Alex?”

            “We’ll follow you up later. I just…”

            “Want to have Jamie with your doctor?”

            “Yeah. Not that I don’t think I can find one up there I am just so comfortable with my doctor and I don’t want to have to find someone else.”

            “I understand. But I kind of wanted to be there when Jamie is born. I don’t know if I’ll be back in time for it.”

            Jensen leaned his head against Jared’s shoulder. “I could…I could suck it up. I’m sure you could help me find a good doctor.”

            “No,” Jared said. “I’m not going to take you away from your family and friends and your doctor. I’ll go up and find a place for us to stay and you and Alex can follow me up once Jamie is born. I’ll probably be able to get back in time for the birth since we know when you’re going in.”

            “You’re going to miss all of my remaining appointments.”

            “I know,” the younger man sighed. “But this is for the best. I want to have a place to bring you home to.”

            “This is a good thing. This is a really, really good thing. It’s gonna be scary but as long as I have you I’ve got all I need.”

            “Cheesy,” Jared mumbled against Jensen’s cheek. “But you’re right. All I need is you and our babies. Everything else is just extra.”


	55. Chapter 55

Jared hates his apartment. It was too small, too white, and too quiet. The realtor told him that the walls were made extra thick so that no sound from the other apartments could bleed in and at first he thought that that could be a plus. At first he thought that having nothing to wake him up early before his shift would be great. Two days into being in the apartment he realized it sucked. It was too quiet. There was no sound of running feet and high pitched squeals. No one was crying or whispering softly outside his bedroom door. There was no life in the apartment.

            “I hate this apartment,” he told Jensen.

            Jensen frowned. “You told me a few days ago that it was nice. What happened?”

            “It’s too quiet.”

            “It’s too quiet?”

            “Yeah. The walls are sound proof so I can’t hear my neighbors.”

            “You’re upset because you can’t hear your neighbors?”

            “There is zero life in this apartment, Jen. There is no one here to wake me up with kisses or a diaper change. No annoying brothers willing to jump on the bed and scare the shit out of me. There’s no you, no Alex, nobody.”

            “So what you’re saying that you are lonely.”

            “Extremely so.”

            “I knew I should have gone up with you. I still can. I can pack something for Alex and I right now and be up there in a few hours.”

            “How are you going to get up here? You still don’t have clearance to drive.”

            “I’ll get a cab. Or an Uber. If you need us up there Jared, I’ll come up there no matter how much I have to spend.”

             “What about your doctor? Your appointments? What are you going to do about those?”

            “I’ll find a new doctor.”

            “No,” Jared said firmly.

            “No?”

            “You’re staying right where you are. You are going to have Jamie down there and then you three are going to head up this way afterwards. I don’t want you anywhere near this town until you’ve got our second baby out of you. I’m a grown man, I can deal with the silence.”

            “And I’m a grown man who can deal with some change. Honestly it’ll probably be good for me. I have to get out of my comfort zone.”

            “Not right now you don’t. We’ve created a giant monster and he’s currently taking residence in your uterus. Until that giant monster is out of you I want you to be comfortable.”

            “I’m more comfortable with you around.”

            Jared softened a bit. “I know but this is about your health. And I personally will feel better if you stay there. I work so much that I wouldn’t be able to help you as much as I want to and you’ll be left to take care of Alex all by yourself.”

            “I’m going to be taking care of the two of them by myself once Jamie is here.”

            “That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve made a new friend.”

            “I’m not interested in polygamy Jared.”

            “Trust me baby you’re it for me so don’t ever worry about that. No I met someone while out shopping when I first moved up here. We had some stuff in common and he’s been a really big help with me getting used to the area.”

            “Stuff in common, huh? Is he another doctor?”

            “No. He’s an Army vet.”

            “Okay? So he’s got a military background too. Sounds like someone I’d get along with more than you would.”

            “You’re more of what we have in common really.”

            “What?”

            “Dude I’ve been sitting over here for like twenty minutes. Can I show my face now?”

            The new voice made Jensen sit up straighter in his chair. “Hang on. Is that…”

            “Hey buddy,” Chris said as he shoved his face next to Jared’s. “Long time no see.”

            “Chris? What the hell man why didn’t you tell me you were home?”

            “Haven’t told anyone. Except for my parents of course. I needed a fresh start, time to get my head on straight and I needed to do it away from everything that reminded me of war.”

            “You’re good now though?”

            “For the most part. Some days are still harder than others but I’m working through it. My therapist tells me I’m ‘ahead of the game’.”

            “That’s great to hear man. I’m so glad you came home mostly unscathed. I know how shitty the head issues can be.”

            “Would have preferred getting shot to be honest. At least then I’d have a physical scar to show and not just a bottle of anti-depressants and anxiety medication.”

            “Having the injury really isn’t all that great either,” Jensen mumbled.  

            Chris sighed. “I know. But you’re looking good. Extremely healthy. Anyone tell you pregnancy suits you?”

            “Just about every single person who has ever seen him,” Jared said.

            “Yes, yes I glow and look like I should have rainbows shoot out my mouth when I smile.”

            Chris laughed. “It’s true man. You look good.”

            “Still not interested in polygamy.”

            Chris faked a pout but couldn’t help throw his head back in laughter. “Well that’s good cause I’m still not gay. Or at least I don’t think I am. Maybe I just haven’t met the right guy yet. Never know.”

            “You are the most forward thinking guy I’ve ever met,” Jared commented.

            Chris shrugged. “Life isn’t black and white. There’s some other colors thrown in there and if you can’t accept that then your part of a dying breed.”

            “And this is why I love this man.”

            “I’m starting to understand.”

            “I can’t wait till you get up here Jensen. It’s gonna be great. I was starting to get lonely before your giant of a husband almost ran me over with his cart.”

            “The wheel was broken and the cart was going rogue. I didn’t mean to run over your foot.”

            “Can you believe this guy? Rogue cart my ass. He was mad at me because I just picked up the last box of powdered donuts. I’m pretty sure if I didn’t befriend him he was gonna follow me home and steal them while I wasn’t there.”

            “Really Jared? You ran home over because of donuts?”

            “The wheel was broken!”

            “Sure…” Crying from the other room drew Jensen’s attention away from the screen. “Hang on Alex is awake from her nap. Let me go get her before she works herself into a fit.”

            Jared watched Jensen walk away and turned to Chris. “Dude you get to meet Alex. You’re absolutely gonna love this little girl. She’s the absolute best.”

            “You’re just a little biased don’t you think?”

            “Nah man Alex has all of Jensen’s good qualities. She’s an angel.”

            Jensen sat back down in the chair on the other side of the screen and adjusted Alex so that she was looking at the computer. “Look Alex, it’s papa.”

            Alex shrieked and hit her hands against the keyboard.

            “Hey baby girl,” Jared said, leaning forward so he could be closer to the screen. “There’s my little girl. How are you doing?”

            “Dada,” Alex screamed, hands reach towards the screen.”

            “Wow,” Chris whispered. “That is the cutest baby I have ever seen.”

            “I told you so,” Jared said, elbowing Chris.

            “I mean seriously? Both of you are absolutely gorgeous and you make cute kids? I thought pretty people’s babies are supposed to be ugly.”

            “Only the poor unfortunate souls who aren’t lucky enough to marry someone as beautiful as Jensen.”

            “Jared, shut up,” Jensen said blushing.

            “You guys are sickening. Has anyone ever told you that?”

            “Yup. And we’re even worse when we’re together.”

            “Oh great. Something to look forward to.”

            Jensen laughed. “I’ve gotta go. Alex needs lunch and I agreed to watch the kids tonight so Josh and Danny could have a night out. I’ll talk to you later.”

            “I love you so much,” Jared told him.

            “I love you too.”

            “And I love both of you,” Chris said, blowing a kiss at the screen.

            “Still not interested,” Jensen said before ending the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think I'm winding down on this fic. I love it and the characters but I just don't have as much as I would like for it and I don't want it to sit here as unfinished. Maybe two or three chapters left. And hey, maybe a squeal somewhere down the line.

**Author's Note:**

> I really, really, really like this story but I don't know if it works well as a fic so I'd really like to know what you guys think about it as one. I know it isn't a very big sample but from what I have so far what do you think?


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